Of course none of that has to do with Ivy League sports, so let’s hurry up and get to the countdown. Here’s the previous roundup if you want to know where the schools ranked last week. But if you read that, you’re living in the past. Things are different now man, so get with the program. Start living in the now. After all, tomorrow is just your future yesterday.

1. Columbia

Holds (insanely huge) bragging rights (for decades to come) over: Princeton

Columbia football hasn’t had a winning record in the Ivy League since Rocko’s Modern Life was on TV. Princeton is only 3 years removed from winning the league title. And even though the two schools were picked to finish 5th and 6th in the Ancient Eight this year, not even the Mayans could have predicted the 38-0 scoreline the Lions laid on the Tigers–a level of destruction not seen outside of Roland Emmerich movies. (Coincidently 38-0 is the range your IQ needs to be in for you to enjoy a Roland Emmerich movie.) In the league opener for both schools, Columbia left New Jersey with their largest margin of victory since 1972 and their first in-league road shutout since 1961. Lions quarterback Millicent “The Magnificent” Olawale ran for a touchdown and threw for two more, while cornerback Jared Morine had a 51-yard pick six.

One might say that calling this game utter destruction is an exaggeration since the stats are actually very close and the game only got out of hand in the fourth quarter where the Lions scored three of their five touchdowns. And to that we say shut up Princeton Athletic Department’s writeup of the game, because none of that matters. What’s important is that Princeton, traditionally near the top of the Ivy League in almost all sports, was completely blown out by the “perennial pushover” Columbia Lions. It was a such a humiliating loss that in order for the Daily Princetonian to find a silver lining, they had to reach back to 1890–you know, before the forward pass was legal. This is the event that will bring Princeton and its fans down a peg for years to come. So remember fellow Ivy Leaguers, the next time the Princeton band shows up at your school for a game and starts acting like the dickweeds they are, just walk up and politely remind them about the day their beloved Tigers lost 38-0 to Columbia at home. There is no comeback.

The rest of the schools follow the jump.

2. Penn

Holds bragging rights over: Dartmouth

If it wasn’t for Columbia’s epic performance, the Quakers would most likely have been number 1 this week. In Saturday’s other Ivy League football contest, Penn topped Dartmouth 30-24 in Hanover for their first win of 2009. With the wet conditions and their starting quarterback injured, the Quakers adopted the strategy of It’s the Running Game, Stupid (IRGS) to a tune of 288 yards on the ground. Elsewhere, Penn women’s soccer pipped both Cornell and Army, women’s volleyball swept Princeton, and women’s golf won the ECAC title. Huh, that was a very quick collegiate women’s golf season. We didn’t even know it started.

3. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Columbia

After two weeks of near misses, Bears football finally picked up their first win of the season, 28-20 over Rhode Island to win the Governor’s Cup. Wide receiver Buddy Farnham is the second-most popular person on campus this week (it’s impossible to be number one anymore) after an epic performance of 274 all-purpose yards and two touchdown catches that has earned him various accolades. Meanwhile, Brown’s men’s and women’s soccer teams beat Columbia this weekend. But all of those sports are now going to have to take a backseat because the big game on campus has kicked off its schedule. That’s right, it’s equestrian season! Woooooo! We can’t wait to hear what the equestrian hooligans have come up with this year. “Is that your horse or did you put a saddle on your mom!” Ah, fans.

4. Dartmouth

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

Okay, we’ll admit we haven’t been too open to reporting on the sport of rugby in the past. In fact, we seem to recall pissing off the entire Dartmouth rugby team. In most cases when we anger a person or group for something we wrote here in the IvySports Roundup, we don’t give two shits. However, this is something we actually feel bad about. As such, the IvySports Roundup is going to retract its previous comment about college rugby only being made up of athletes not good enough to make the football team. In addition, we’re putting the powerhouse of Ivy League rugby in the final top-half slot in this week’s rankings, despite how much their football team sucks.

What made us change our minds? It turns out that 2009 marks the first year that the Ivy League’s rugby clubs are playing each other in a league format. Despite our reservations about including what are essentially student clubs on the same level as mock trial and quiz bowl amongst the other IvySports, we cannot deny that an Eight Colleges Championship is totally awesome. And the Big Green are the rulers of the new league, outscoring their opponents 264-11 so far this season, including a 31-0 shutout of previously unbeaten Harvard. What do you think of that, Wales? We don’t see you doing that shit.

5. Harvard

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Crimson football won their 800th game in program history with a 28-14 victory over Lehigh. Third-string running back Cheng “Jai” Ho made the most of his start with a 132 yard, two touchdown performance while the Harvard defense forced five turnovers, including two interceptions by Collin “Spelling?” Zych. Also, Harvard’s 8th-ranked men’s soccer team beat Yale 1-0 on a golden goal (because college soccer has dumb rules). With such good results, the Crimson should be higher on the rankings. However we just can’t get over that awful Hermione Granger opening line in The Crimson’s write up of last week’s football game. It’s just that bad. [shudder]

6. Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

Things didn’t go so well for Bulldog football as they fell to Lafayette 31-14 for their second straight home loss. As was the case all over the east coast this weekend, the weather sucked and thus made losing doubly depressing. Two bright spots on the weekend for Yale were field hockey knocking off the previously unbeaten Big Red in overtime 1-0 and women’s volleyball sweeping Brown. In addition, all the crappy weather means that Yale’s super sailing teams have a chance to shine. Yay wind!

7. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Columbia

It was not a good weekend for the Big Red as two previously unbeaten teams lost. In addition to the aforementioned field hockey loss, Cornell’s then-”others receiving votes” football team were dealt a Finger Lakes bitch-slap in a 45-23 loss to Colgate. Women’s volleyball did sweep Columbia. Oh, and also…

8. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: 38-0

Enough said.

See you next week.

For those new to the IvySports Roundup, here’s how it works: Each week we rank the eight Ivy League schools based on the performance of their athletics teams over the prior weekend, thereby making it just as legitimate as any other college ranking. In addition, we list which colleges have bragging rights over their Ivy rivals. This is a helpful guide for students who want to know where to direct their taunting Facebook messages. Please note that even schools towards the bottom of the rankings may still have bragging rights over colleges above them. That’s because there are many Ivy sporting results to boast about, although some are more legitimate than others. And since we’re in the fall sports season, no sport is more important to the rankings than Ivy League football–even though all the schools have been eliminated from the playoffs since 1978. Sorry college soccer, but having your game clock count down instead of up puts you behind field hockey in terms of importance.

And with that, onto the rankings, starting with the school that had the most painful end to the 2008-09 season.

1. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Over the past decade, the quality of Big Red football has run the gamut from “meh” to “bluh”, and this season was expected to fall somewhere in that range. We have no idea why they’ve been so consistently mediocre. Landing top recruits should be easy when you’re located in the best college town in America*. But while Cornell may still find themselves in the bottom half of the standings in November, for now they sit alone at the top. Two weeks in and the Big Red are the only team out of the eight to have a perfect 2-0 record. Cornell followed up an opening game win over Bucknell with a 14-12 victory at Yale. The Red were close to losing their lead late in the annual Hogwarts Bowl after the Bulldogs scored a touchdown with no time remaining. But the two-point conversion failed and Cornell survived for the road win. (Oddly, the Yale Athletics’ video highlights of the game omits this key final play. Hey don’t be bitter, hockey season’s just around the corner.) Both these successes have earned the Big Red 14 points in the latest FCS poll, which Cornell Athletics considers big news for some reason. “Yay! People think we’re slightly better than Alabama A&M!”

Also this game was broadcast live on Versus, so an audience of 10 people got to see Cornell’s win. We are joking of course. With the dispute with DirecTV, it’s closer to 6 people.

The rest of the schools follow the jump.

2. Harvard

Holds bragging rights over: Brown

The Crimson started their Ancient Eight run off right last week, holding off Brown at home 24-21 to win the 109th game between the two. Though the Bears recovered a late onside kick, the Crimson defense managed to stop the drive at the 25 yard line. Harvard’s Harvardly-named QB Collier Winters was named the Ivy League offensive player of the week after throwing for two touchdowns and rushing for another in last Friday’s game. His performance kept the crowd engaged in the contest, which allowed The Harvard Voice to easily stalk Emma Watson.

Despite Cornell’s current success, Harvard is still the big favorite to win the Ivy League football title and the no trip to the playoffs that comes with it. The Crimson have more votes than Cornell in the latest FCS poll despite an opening game loss to a ranked Holy Cross team. The only reason Harvard isn’t tops in this week’s IvySports Roundup is due to this unfortunate lede in the Harvard Crimson’s report on the game:

Perhaps with the real Hermione Granger sitting on their side of the field, the Brown Bears could have borrowed her Time-Turner to reconsider their final play call. But in the muggle world, the Bears will have to live with their decision[.]

50 points from Gryffindor.

3. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Tasked to defend the honor of the Ivy League on Saturday against its annoying rival, the Patriot League, The Tigers delivered a 17-14 victory over Lehigh. Princeton linebacker Steven Cody returned an interception 77 yards for a touchdown and had 11 tackles against the Mountain Hawks. Meanwhile, the 7th-ranked Tigers field hockey picked up their 2nd Ivy win and 7th overall in a 5-2 victory over Yale.

Far more interesting than any of that is Tiger football’s opening game of the season against The Citadel. You may recall last year’s game between the two schools in Charleston. Okay, you don’t remember the game at all, but you do remember how the Princeton band pissed off the cadets, first by “scrambling” though the Citadel’s “Avenue of Remembrance” and then by being gigantic cocks themselves. The band members were reportedly taunted and roughed up by cadets, resulting in an outpouring of Schadenfraude from the rest of the Ivy League.

This year’s game between the two schools in Princeton was ripe with anticipation for another band geek beatdown. Unfortunately, either military training or a university order kept almost all cadets from making the trip north, and the more mature Bulldog fan contingent was much more respectful during the band’s not-at-all respectful halftime show. The Citadel ended up crushing the Tigers 38-7, so that’s something. But it’s really unfortunate that Notre Dame receiver Golden Tate doesn’t play for The Citadel.

4. Columbia

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

Here the rankings get tougher because none of the other five schools’ football teams won last week. We’ve decided to go with the Lions at number 4 thanks to a couple of weekend beatdowns of the Big Red. On Friday, women’s soccer handled Cornell and won 1-0 in Ithaca. Then on Saturday, women’s volleyball beat the Red in straight sets and followed it up with a 3-1 win over Hartford. Those two wins gave Lady Lions volleyball a 9-4 record for their best start since 2000. Also, unlike three Ivy League schools, Columbia actually has won a football game this season–even if it was only against Fordham.

5. Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Princeton

The Bulldogs won only one Ivy League game last week out of the three they played–a 2-0 victory over Princeton in women’s soccer. But outside of the Ivies, Yale was on fire. Women’s soccer also shutout Quinnipiac last week, in addition to field hockey’s win over Hofstra, and volleyball’s sweeps of CCSU, Quinnipiac, and Binghamton.

Speaking of women’s sports, this weekend sees many Breast Cancer Awareness Month promotions in all of athletics, from Yale to the NFL. It’s all for a good cause, but all sports fans should be aware that the nation is on Pink Jersey Alert 5.

6. Dartmouth

Holds bragging rights over: Brown

The Big Green were understandably stomped in football by 6th-ranked New Hampshire a week after getting understandably stomped by Colgate. They weren’t too shabby in the other sports, though. Women’s soccer won their Ivy opener against Brown 3-1, field hockey breezed through Rhode Island with two wins, and volleyball swept Harvard. Unfortunately for the Green, men’s soccer were upset by Hartwick 2-0 and dropped out of the rankings. Dartmouth could have pulled out the victory in stoppage time, but unfortunately for them, they were playing college soccer. American collegiate soccer doesn’t have injury time. It’s too French.

7. Penn

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

The Quakers suffered a tough loss in football against Lafayette–rallying from 17-0 down only to lose in overtime 20-17. Unfortunately, that leaves the Ivy League with only a 4-3 lead on the Patriot League this season. DAMMIT WE ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEM GUYS!

Anywho, moving to Ivy League matchups, Penn topped Harvard in field hockey 4-1. However, they lost to Lafayette two days later OH COME ON PEOPLE! We’re not going to get John Feinstein to write a book about us with performances like that!

8. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Columbia in a week

Brown’s men’s soccer team is ranked 23rd in the country and will compete with Harvard and Dartmouth for the Ivy title. However, the team’s performance could not move Brown up the IvySports rankings as their most recent games consisted of three consecutive draws. And you’ve got to feel bad for the Bears football team who lost both their games so far by a combined 4 points. Men’s water polo’s doing okay, so that’s something. Maybe.

Well that wraps up this week’s rankings. We’ll see you again next week. But before we go, we should mention this weekend’s premier Ivy League football game on Versus. It’s 0-2 Penn at 0-2 Dartmouth. Would you still prefer to watch Wisconsin at Minnesota on ESPN? Yes, yes you would.

Congratulations Louis Leblanc. By being a French-Canadian hockey phenom and a Harvard student, you are officially the most loathsome hockey player ever.

Meanwhile, with Cornell a few seconds away from their first national championship in lacrosse since 1977, Princeton’s men’s lacrosse team was looking to start a dynasty next year. Although the Tigers lost to Cornell in the quarterfinals this year, Hall of Fame coach Bill Tierney had everything set up to dominate the Ivy League and possibly the national stage. Princeton boasted the top freshman defenseman and goalie in the country in Chad Weidmaier and Tyler Fiorito, respectively. Tierney was sure to add to the 14 Ivy titles and maybe even the six NCAA titles he won in his 22 years with the Tigers. Things were looking bright for the Ancient Eight.

And then, the Fail Pandas appeared.

Something happened to Cornell head coach Jeff Tambroni. With his tired team struggling to clear the ball and a fresher Syracuse playing desperation defense, Tambroni did not use his team’s final timeout. We have thought long and hard about why a head coach–with his team seconds away from their first national championship in over 30 years–would not call timeout to retain possession and give his exhausted players a rest. Here’s what we’ve come up with:

• Timeouts are for pussies.
• Coaches that call timeouts don’t really coach for Cornell, according to Ann Coulter.
• He was preparing for his post-game interview with Erin Andrews by thinking of cold showers and Janet Reno.
• Every unused timeout in the national championship game gets you free corn nuggets with every purchase of a deep dish pizza at The Nines.
• He was thinking about that “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” song from 30 Rock and cracking up.
• Because that’s exactly what they’re expecting you to do.

Feel free to submit your own suggestions.

Anyway, whatever the reason, Jeff Tambroni did not call the timeout. And so:

While We Were Out, Part II: Massive Ivy Lacrosse Fail

Damn you Fail Pandas! Big Red midfielder Max Seibald did win the Tewaaraton Trophy–lacrosse’s version of the Heisman–becoming the first ever Cornell player to receive the award. Unfortunately, it only gets you 30% off on an order of corn nuggets.

A couple weeks later, it was Princeton to get hit with the Fail Bamboo. Coach Bill Tierney–who won six national championships with the Tigers, two by superior timeout-calling–announced he was leaving Princeton after 22 years. Tierney said, “[I received] an opportunity that I never thought would come my way.” That opportunity is the head coach position at the University of Denver.

Though Ivy League coaches leaving for other schools is nothing new, lacrosse is one of the few sports the Ivy League is aces in. Bill Tierney is leaving a lacrosse superpower he created for a university 1,800 miles away from the nearest east coast prep school. He must really miss the weekly poker games with Joe Scott. And Tuesday, the Tigers got another slap in the face when Tierney’s top assistant David Metzbower turned down the head coach’s job and decided to leave the program.

Damn you Fail Pandas! Why can’t you ever pick on the rowing teams?

After this past weekend’s EAWRC Sprints, we’ve officially reached the end of the Ivy League athletics season. As such, this is the penultimate IvySports Roundup of the school year with the last one coming in a couple weeks when Dartmouth is eliminated in the NCAA D-1 baseball regionals. And since there were so few contests on which to base a complete rank order this week, this is an abbreviated Roundup. Just a top three plus last. And off we go:

1. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Princeton

Obvious choice for number one this week. In Saturday’s IvyCoChampionsLacrossigeddon at Hofstra, the Big Red stifled the Tigers 6-4 to advance to the national semifinals in Foxborough. It’s Cornell’s second trip to the Final Four in the last three years. If you saw the game on television, then you are one of the seven people in the country to get ESPNU. Also, you would have seen a defensive struggle in which the difference was Cornell hauling in 39 (!) ground balls to Princeton’s 19. Leading the Big Red with two goals was senior Rocco Romero, who will now have to miss hearing convocation speaker David Plouffe in order to play in a packed Gillette Stadium against Virginia on ESPN2. You have to feel sorry for him.

It was not all sunshine and ass-kickings for Big Red teams, however. Despite being seeded as “not the worst” team in their regional bracket, Cornell softball went two and done, including a defeat to 27-loss Sacred Heart. Making up for that disappointment was men’s and women’s track, who finished best out of the Ivy schools at the IC4A and ECAC Championships. Granted, they only finished fifth and tenth overall, but have you ever seen SUNY-Albany’s track teams? They’re known as the Blur of the Mohawk-Hudson River Confluence. You’ve got no chance at beating them if you’re from the tri-state area.

More after the jump.

2. Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Radcliffe

The last Ivy League title of the year goes to the Elis, whose women’s crew team won the Eastern Sprints title for the third time in five years. The Lady Bulldogs just pipped Radcliffe in the Grand Final, winning by less than a second. Yale also won the team points title, the unfortunately named Willing Cup. It’s unfortunately named because unlike other Ivy League rowing titles, we can’t easily transform it into a stupid joke. Sure, we could go with “Coalition of the Willing Cup,” but that’s so 2003.

Yale’s win was actually a bit of a surprise, as they were seeded second behind two-time defending NCAA champ Brown. Some attributed the Elis’ victory to having angels on their side. Or more specifically, Dark Angels. [rimshot]

3. Penn

Holds bragging rights over: Princeton

After years of searching, Penn has finally found something they are better than Duke in. The Quakers women’s lacrosse team topped Duke in overtime 10-9 to advance to their third consecutive Final Four. It wasn’t easy, as Penn blew a 7-2 halftime lead by allowing seven straight Blue Devil goals. The Quakers would rally t0 score the final three goals of the game–including the OT winner from Becca Edwards–to earn the right to lose to face Northwestern on Friday just two hours away from home. The game winner was also Edwards’ 100th career point, which earns her a $20 credit at the Trump Taj Mahal.

8. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: Brown

It was not hard to tell which school would finish last this week. On top of the men’s lacrosse woes, women’s lacrosse was pounded by Northwestern 16-9. The only reason for the Tigers’ bragging rights over Brown was women’s crew finishing third in the Eastern Sprints Grand Final, three seconds ahead of the top-seeded Bears. Actually…

8. 7. Princeton

8. Brown

There, that’s better. See you in a couple weeks.

This week’s rankings takes into account the events of the past two weekends, in which seven Ivy League titles were decided. Two schools tied for the most titles in the last fortnight with 2.5 each. After factoring in the intangibles–such as which school’s band can we piss off with the minimum amount of effort–the choice for number one was clear.

1. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

The Tools–I mean Tigers–had a very successful weekend. Both men’s lightweight crew and women’s track won Ancient Eight titles. The latter team won their first outdoor track league title in 11 years and ended Cornell’s seven year reign. Meanwhile, men’s lacrosse–who won a share of the Ivy championship last week with their win over Brown–breezed past UMass 10-7 in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Not to be outdone, women’s lacrosse pounded Georgetown 15-9 in their first round game.

But Princeton’s place atop the rankings this week (and their holding of bragging rights over Cornell) is mainly due to the accomplishments of one particular alumnus. Three weeks ago, Princeton grad George Parros fought Cornell grad Douglas Murray in Southern California. No, it wasn’t a battle between agents for the right to represent Susan Boyle. It was in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Playoff series between Parros’ Ducks and Murray’s Sharks, and we never gave the fight its due. Based on the video, we see it as a close decision win for Parros, whose team would go on to win the series. And that’s why the Tools are number one…for now.

Find out why after the jump.

2. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Dartmouth

When it comes to NCAA sports where the number of teams in the championship tournament is sufficient to dub the event as “Madness,” Ivy League schools don’t usually get much respect in seeding. However, Cornell’s softball team managed to defy the odds. Last week, the Lady Red beat Dartmouth in a three-game series for the Ivy League title and automatic tournament berth. On Sunday, the softball tournament committee must have been impressed with Cornell’s school record 42 wins because they gave the Red the equivalent of a 3 seed in their four-team regional in Amherst. This means that Cornell is not the worst team in their bracket! Amazing.

Other Cornell teams with successful fortnights are men’s track and men’s lacrosse. The latter team held off Hobart last week in a rivalry game so old that when they first played, Hobart didn’t admit women. Then on Saturday, the Big Red topped the Hofstra Multiple Lions 11-8 in the first round of the tournament. This sets up a quarterfinal matchup between #5 Cornell and #4 Princeton in Hempstead, NY for a spot in the Final Four in Foxborough. The two teams shared the Ivy League title this year, but the Big Red beat the Tigers in Ithaca. Cornell vs. Princeton is a showdown for the ages. It’s right up there with the other great battles like Ali vs. Frazier, Giants vs. Dodgers, Stuffing vs. Potatoes, and Cornell Law Professor vs. Elitist Spreads.

3. Dartmouth

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

While the Ithacans got some bragging rights over the Big Green for their softball victory, Dartmouth took them right back in baseball. In the New England, Mid-Atlantic, and Part of Upstate New York Series, Dartmouth won the Ivy championship over Cornell with a 10-0 stomping in the deciding game. It’s the Big Green’s first conference  title in baseball in 22 years.

Also, we were chastised by a commenter for not mentioning a Dartmouth league championship in the last IvySports Roundup. So here it is: Some Dartmouth students who played football in high school but weren’t good enough to make the college team yet still wanted to play a sport beat a bunch of students in the same boat from other schools to win a title so unofficial that neither the Ivy League’s official website nor the Dartmouth’s athletic department website mention it or the sport. There. Satisfied?

4. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

Brown’s men’s lacrosse team suffered some great emotional swings over the last few weeks. Coming off their upset of Cornell, the Bears failed in their bid to clinch the Ivy League’s automatic bid when they lost at Princeton. Yet despite the loss, they still made the NCAA Tournament field. Then in their first round game at #8 Johns Hopkins, the Bears rallied from trailing most of the game to tie it at 11 with 8 seconds to go. Then the Blue Jays won in sudden death overtime. And to make things even worse, they had to go to Baltimore for this. The good news for Brown sports fans was the men’s heavyweight crew, who came from behind to beat Harvard for the Ivy League title.

5. Penn

Holds bragging territorial rights over: Other Philadelphia Colleges

The Quakers’ women’s lacrosse team cut it closer than they would have liked in their NCAA Tournament first round match against Fairfield, but they pulled through for the 10-8 victory. Next up for #4 Penn is a quarterfinal match against the 5 seed Duke. The Quakers will host the game at Vidas Field in an attempt to trick the Blue Devils into thinking they’re actually playing Drexel.

6. Harvard

Holds Thinks they hold bragging rights over: Princeton

Harvard’s athletics department website proudly proclaims the Crimson lightweight crew team as the winners of the Jope Cup, given to the “league team champion at the EARC Sprints.” The official Ivy League website, however, says that Princeton is the champion. In actuality, the Jope Cup is given to the team with the most total points in the varsity, second varsity, and freshman races. This year, that team was Harvard despite finishing second to the Tigers in the varsity race i.e. the only race that matters. So the Jope Cup is almost the perfect name for the this trophy. It just needs to change one letter.

7 (tie). Columbia and Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Yale and Columbia

Just waiting for the NCAA men’s golf regionals/women’s Eastern Sprints to start.

This weekend in Ancient Eight athletics was a difficult one to determine a rank order for, as nearly every school did very well in some sports and very horribly in others. So the plan was to add extra emphasis to this weekend’s NFL Draft. The Draft is one of the few occasions when names of Ivy League athletes may be listed in proximity to names of athletes from Texas Tech and Oregon. Being drafted is about the greatest accomplishment an Ivy League football player can achieve outside of winning the conference title and earning the right to not play in the national tournament.

Alas for the second year in a row, no Ivy Leaguers were selected, thus denying Chris Berman a segue to remind everyone that he went to Brown. This sudden drought in the League’s production of marginal professional athletes is a depressing one, as the Ivies had produced five draft picks between 2004 and 2007. More upsetting is that in order to determine number 1 in this week’s IvySports rankings, we must go to a tiebreaker: the last school to have a player selected in the NFL Draft.

1. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

While Linebacker Zak DeOssie’s selection in the 4th Round of the 2007 NFL Draft by the Giants gives Brown the number one spot this week, they had a pretty good April weekend in 2009 as well. In men’s lacrosse, the Bears shocked second-ranked Cornell 11-9 to ruin the Big Red’s hopes of an outright Ivy League title. The win also bumps Brown back into the NCAA Tournament discussion after their upset loss to Penn a few weeks ago. Senior goalie Jordan Burke of Yuppie, Maryland led the Bears with 18 saves and was named Ivy League Player of the Week. Brown now controls their own destiny in the battle for the Ivy League’s automatic bid, as a win at Princeton on Saturday will send the Bears to the tournament for the first time since 1997.

The other schools–plus more fun Ivy League/NFL Draft facts–after the jump.

2. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard and Yale

This weekend was a major one for the Big Three, as H, Y, and P’s lightweight crew teams battled for the Bobcat Goldthwait Cup. This year’s battle for the Police Academy 2-4 Trophy was especially meaningful as Princeton, Harvard, and Yale were ranked 1st, 2nd, and 4th respectively, and the Tigers and Crimson were both undefeated. In the end, it was Princeton who won the contentious varsity eights race by 5 seconds ahead of the Crimson and 10 ahead of the Elis. The win certainly takes the sting out of going yet another year since the Tigers’ last NFL Draft pick in 2001 (Dennis Norman). And with women’s crew also finding success this weekend, it’s clear that Princeton professor Robert George was only trying to ensure good weather conditions for the Tigers’ races.

3. Dartmouth

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

The Big Green-Crimson weekend softball series was one of the more exciting events on the weekend that went unnoticed because it’s women playing sports in the Ivy League. Nevertheless, there was major drama as Dartmouth entered the weekend with a one-game lead over Harvard in the North Division. The drama escalated as the Crimson swept the Saturday doubleheader to take a one-game lead of their own. But the Lady Green would not be denied as they rallied to sweep Sunday’s doubleheader and clinch the division. Top that Bulls-Celtics series! Dartmouth baseball also won their division–The Rolfe–which is beneficial for the school as it diverts attention from lacrosse, rowing, pretty much all other spring sports, and not having a football player drafted since Casey Cramer in 2004.

4. Columbia

Holds bragging rights over: Penn

The Lions continued their dominance in men’s country club sports this weekend when the golf team rallied from three strokes down to pip Penn for their second straight Ivy League title. Columbia clinched the victory when freshman Brendan Doyle made par on the final hole while the Quakers’ Scotty “3 Putty” Williams made bogey. The top individual finisher for the Lions was sophomore Clark Granum who finished the three round tournament with a +1 213–a good score on the Atlantic City Country Club’s tough par 70.667 course.

And since I can’t work this in even minimally smoothly into the previous paragraph, the Lions last NFL Draft pick was Marcellus Wiley, who was taken by the Bills in the second round in 1997.

5. Harvard

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Like Columbia’s men’s golf team, the Harvard women’s golf team also managed to overcome the Atlantic City smells to win their second-straight Ivy League title. Crimson freshman Christine Cho finished tied for fourth in the individual standings and was named the Ivy League Rookie of the Year. That victory, combined with heavyweight crew winning the Douglas Adams Golden Bail of Prosperity should allow Harvard fans to continue to overlook the fact that they haven’t had a player drafted since Ryan Fitzpatrick in 2005.

6. Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Radcliffe

It was a mixed weekend for the Elis in their top Spring sport of rowing. Their Second-ranked women’s crew team topped Radcliffe for the Neko Case Cup. And while the lightweight varsity eight boat failed to beat Princeton and Harvard (see above), the entire Yale team did win the Vogel Cup for having the most points in the meet. So the Bulldogs can feel proud of the fact that they have the best not-as-good rowers out of the Big Three. Hey, anything to ignore the fact that they haven’t had a football player picked since Nate Lawrie in 2004.

7. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Dartmouth

The whole weekend was a dour one for the Big Red after the loss to Brown in lacrosse. Amongst the highlights for Cornell sports was baseball’s late rally in game two of Sunday’s doubleheader at Princeton. The win gave the Big Red a split in the four-game weekend series with the Tigers as the two teams ended up tied for the Ivy League Gehrig Division title at *sigh* 10-10, making the Gehrig Division the NL West of the Ivy League. The two teams will meet in a one-game playoff Wednesday at Cornell to determine which team will lose to Dartmouth for the Ivy League title. Seeing your school lose a title game in any sport is about as painful as seeing one of your school’s players drafted by the Raiders, something Cornell fans had to suffer through in 2006 when Al Davis’ skin suit picked Kevin Boothe.

8. Penn

Holds bragging rights over: Columbia

In what little good news there was for the Quakers over the weekend, both baseball and softball won weekend series against the Lions. The Penn Relays were also held this weekend, as track stars from all over the continent came to Philadelphia to soundly destroy the Ivy League athletes. And men’s basketball handed out their end-of-season awards, as Tyler Bernardini, Kevin Egee, Zack Rosen, and Rob Belcore all took home honors. One notable name missing from the honorees was sophomore guard Harrison Gaines. I wonder why he didn’t win anything? Oh, right. That’s among the most awkward things to happen to Penn athletics since 2002 3rd round pick Jeff Hatch’s career.

1. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Princeton

After last week’s Princeton domination, it didn’t take long for the Tigers to fall back to earth. Most notably among the earth-falling is Princeton’s men’s lacrosse team, who after earning their first number 1 ranking since 2001 last week, lost to the fourth-ranked Big Red 10-7. With the win, Cornell clinched a share of the Ivy League title for the seventh straight year and will have a chance to win it outright next week at Brown. Other Cornell sports teams having good weekends include softball, who won the Ivy South Division title; women’s lacrosse, who won at Yale; and Evan Starkman, who won the first week’s event on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel 2.

2. Penn

Holds bragging rights over: Brown

While there’s still room for shake-ups in the race for the Ivy men’s lacrosse title, the women’s title is all wrapped up. The Quakers pounded Brown 14-4 to solidify their third-straight Ancient Eight title and third-straight undefeated Ancient Eight campaign. Next weekend, Penn travels to Evanston to lose to No. 1 Northwestern. The game is a preparation for the upcoming NCAA Tournament, where Penn is the favorite to lose to Northwestern in the finals.

The rest follow the jump.

3. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: Columbia

Although many were happy to see Princeton’s men’s lacrosse team lose–and by “many”, we mean anyone who has ever around the Princeton band for 10 minutes or more–the Tigers still had a successful weekend overall. Women’s tennis swept Columbia to clinch their first Ivy League title and tournament berth since 2000. Women’s golf beat most of the conference at Colubmia’s Roar-EE (Because they’re the Lions! Pun!) Invitational. And men’s lightweights breezed past Penn to retain the Evan Rachel Wood-Darrell Hammond trophy.

4. Columbia

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

After spending the last few weeks at the bottom of the rankings, the Lions get a well-earned boost to the top half as men’s tennis shut out Princeton to seal the Ivy League title. It’s the Lions’ second conference title in three seasons and the seventh in head coach Bid Goswami’s career. The coach credited his success to focusing his recruiting towards athletes with first names as weird as his. In other positive news for the Lions, women’s lacrosse topped Harvard 11-10 to pick up its first Ivy win since–get this–2005! It is also Columbia’s second Ivy win–get this too–ever! Kudos for perseverance, I guess.

5. Dartmouth

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Big Green baseball went off on Yale Sunday by scoring 30 runs in a doubleheader sweep. The wins keep Dartmouth two games free of Brown in the Ivy League’s Rolfe Division with four conference games to go. Meanwhile, Dartmouth’s men’s and women’s track teams both won the Dartmouth Outdoor Invitational thanks to the strategy of inviting Tufts, Middlebury, and RPI to make up half the field.

6. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

Bears baseball swept all four games against Harvard this weekend, while women’s water polo topped the Crimson in double overtime. Also, the Bears equestrian team advanced to nationals in thrilling fashion when another team was disqualified, apparently for intentional whispering.

7. Harvard

Holds bragging rights over: Brown

Crimson softball knocked Brown for 23 runs on Sunday to move only a game behind Dartmouth in the Ivy League North Division. Harvard meets the Green for four games next weekend to decide the champion. One Harvard team that wasn’t so successful this weekend was men’s volleyball, whose loss to Rutgers-Newark cost them the outright EIVA Hay Division title. The result is shocking, as who knew there was even a Rutgers-Newark?

8. Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Styx

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me…

1. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: ALL!

Men’s lacrosse beat Harvard. Women’s lacrosse crushed Harvard. Softball swept all four games against Columbia. Men’s tennis swept the weekend. Women’s tennis swept the weekend. Lightweight crew beat Cornell. Women’s track beat Yale and Penn. The only Tigers sports team to lose a game to an Ivy foe this weekend was the baseball team–and they still won the other three games against Columbia. Oh, and their men’s lacrosse team is now number one in the nation. AND, their admission rate is the lowest, too! Wait, it isn’t? Woo-hoo! They didn’t win everything!

2. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Penn

The Big Red softball team maintained first place in the Ivy League South Division by sweeping the Quakers in two doubleheaders. In addition, both Cornell lacrosse teams won their games and equestrian won the Ivy title. But in the most unexpected result of the weekend, the Big Red women’s gymnastics team won the USAG Collegiate National Team Title, tying with Bridgeport atop the standings. Granted it is often said that a tie is like kissing one’s sister, but because we’re talking about women’s gymnasts here, that sounds pretty hot.

The rest of the schools that weren’t as successful as Princeton after the jump.

3. Penn

Holds bragging rights over: Brown

Penn’s spring sports teams may not be very good outside of women’s lacrosse, but they sure pulled some upsets this weekend. First, baseball won “a” game against Cornell on Saturday, improving their Ivy League record to 1-a lot. But the really shocking result came in men’s lacrosse, where the Quakers beat 11th-ranked Brown 7-6 in Providence. The win gave the Quakers a positive end to their Ivy League campaign while severely damaging the Bears’ Ivy title and NCAA playoff hopes. To give you an example of how big that upset is, it’s like Penn beating anyone in men’s basketball with Glen Miller as coach. I know, astounding.

4. Dartmouth

Holds bragging rights over: Brown

Both baseball and softball took 3 out of 4 games against the Bears this weekend as baseball retained their commanding lead in the Ivy League’s Rolfe (seriously) division. The coaches attributed the weekend success to a cunning move in which they re-name the school the Dartmouth Pastel Green and get a +10 Easter bonus.

5. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

It wasn’t all bad news for the Bears this weekend. Women’s water polo edged Harvard on Saturday while women’s track finished 87 points ahead of the Crimson at the Brown Invitational. In other good news for Brown, women’s tennis routed the C’s, men’s track won their meet, and co-ed quiddich landed a major recruit.

6. Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

Softball swept the Crimson in the doubleheader on Sunday. In the second game, McKynlee Westman had two hits as she confused the Harvard pitcher with her first name.

7. Harvard

Holds bragging rights over: McGill

Three former Harvard women’s ice hockey players helped lead the United States to gold over Canada at the 2009 World Championship in Finland this weekend. Former Crimson (or “Cirmson”) standout Caitlin Cahow scored two goals, including one assisted by fellow Harvard alum Julie Chu, to pace the U.S. in the 4-1 victory. In other accomplishments for Harvard athletes, men’s volleyball co-captain Brady Weissbourd was named the EIVA Hay Division Player of the Week and set a new standard for looking awkward while jumping.

8. Columbia

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Beat the Bulldogs in men’s tennis. Also beat the Bulldogs in women’s lacrosse. Only one of them actually is Yale, but with a little imagination, we can make Columbia’s weekend seem more impressive. Okay, no we can’t.

Anyway, on to the rankings.

1. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

Brown was one of two schools to see both their lacrosse teams win this weekend. The 9th-ranked men’s lacrosse team beat Yale for their eighth straight victory, while the women’s team beat Columbia. But the most impressive performance by a Brown team came courtesy of women’s water polo. On Friday, the Polo Bears upset Hartwick College, which is somehow a women’s water polo power. The team would then play three more games in the next 24 hours, winning all of them including an 11-10 pipping of Harvard. By halftime of the third match, Brown’s medical trainers were put on finger-pruning alert 6.

2. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Princeton’s fifth-ranked men’s lacrosse team had a high-profile win this weekend, topping defending champion Syracuse at Giants Stadium. The win over the Orange gave Princeton student publications the opportunity to write ample New York Post-style headlines, like “Orange Crushed” or “Tigers Have The Juice.” Much to our chagrin, they passed up the opportunity. Nor was any creative headline writing attempted for the story on the women’s lacrosse team’s win over Yale, despite the fact the Tigers’ high scorer was named Lizzy Drumm. And pun Jesus wept.

The rest after the jump.

3. Harvard

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

Crimson baseball had a nice weekend, sweeping Cornell on Saturday and outlasting Princeton in a 17-inning marathon on Sunday. The star of the weekend for Harvard was outfielder Tom Stark-Babich, who had two walk-off hits. Notable in Stark-Babich’s profile is that he played for Great Britain’s national team in at the European Baseball Championships. Not a lot is known about how baseball is played in the United Kingdom, but we suspect it would look something like this:

4. Dartmouth

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

In a more competitive version of color war, the Big Green topped the Big Red in women’s lacrosse and swept them in baseball. Also notable for Dartmouth is Emily Daly’s school record-breaking toss in the hammer throw at Princeton’s Sam Howell Invitational. You can tell Daly is devoted to her sport because when it came time to take profile pictures for Dartmouth’s athletics website, she clearly refused to interrupt her throwing practice to pose.

5. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

In a much-anticipated Ivy League lacrosse matchup, the third-ranked Big Red rallied to beat the 13th-ranked Crimson, 13-12. It’s also possible that Cornell beat Harvard in lightweight men’s rowing as well, but it’s hard to tell. At Saturday’s Mathews-Leonard Cup in Philadelphia, the Big Red beat Harvard in three of five races. However, the Crimson won the varsity-8 race, which is the most important one. But apparently they weren’t actually “racing” due to harsh conditions on the Schuylkill River, so they basically just took turns rowing. And Harvard would have won the 3rd varsity-8 race, but their boat got tangled up in a clump of streamers left over from the Mummer’s Parade. Rowing is very confusing. They don’t have to deal with this in the Big Ten.

6. Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Penn

The Elis swept Penn in baseball and beat the Quakers in both men’s and women’s tennis as well. Lightweight rowing also beat MIT to win the Joy Cup, earning them the right to talk like Ren & Stimpy for another year.

7. Penn

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

The Quakers’ women’s lacrosse team crushed Harvard on Saturday to remain undefeated. Also having a good week is men’s golf, as they get to play at Rehoboth Beach Monday. The event features three rounds, with the first being regular stroke play, the second being mini-golf, and the third being the Gravitron. If necessary, there will be a tiebreaker in Tekken Tag.

8. Columbia

Holds bragging rights over: Dartmouth

They’ll always have tennis.