Everybody knows that the whole point of attending an Ivy League university is so you can eventually snag that cushy investment banking job in New York City, or use it as a stepping stone to get into a Top 14 law school and live happily ever after. In fact, this is the predetermined career path for 98% of Ivy League graduates.*

Sadly, last week we were dismayed to find out that eight Ivy League students had their names announced at the 2011 Major League Baseball Draft. Instead of living the good life, these young men will be forced to spend countless hours commuting around the country while earning minimum starting salaries. The majority of their work will consist of avoiding getting hit by rock-hard, spherical objects whizzing by their heads at 95 miles per hour. Lastly, forced to toil in the Minor Leagues for years, the only likely way they will reach the Majors is if they inject themselves with steroids, human growth hormone, and other dangerous bodily substances.

Here is the list of the victims who will be facing this terrifying reality:

8th Round, 264th pick, Texas Rangers – Kyle Hendricks (Dartmouth, Jr., RHP)

22nd Round, 683rd pick, San Diego Padres – Matt Colantonio (Brown, Sr., C)

23rd Round, 708th pick, Colorado Rockies – Brook Hart (Yale, Sr., LHP)

29th Round, 901st pick, Philadelphia Phillies – Paul Cusick (Penn, Sr., RHP)

35th Round, 1,066th pick, Oakland Athletics – Max Perlman (Harvard, Sr., RHP)

47th Round, 1,433rd pick, San Diego Padres – Vince Vioro (Penn, Sr., RHP)

49th Round, 1,481st pick, Milwaukee Brewers – Gant Elmore (Yale, Sr., INF)

49th Round, 1,492nd pick, Boston Red Sox – Jadd Schmeltzer (Cornell, Sr., RHP)

In all seriousness, though, congrats to these guys for pretty much living the dream (read: my dream). *Sigh* … Sometimes life is not fair.

*Not intended to be a factual statement.

• Columbia: Columbia beats Princeton in volleyball
• Harvard: Harvard beats Columbia in football
• Brown: Men’s soccer beats Yale
• Penn: Penn beats Princeton in football, breaks 116 year-old record
• Yale: Yale beats Harvard and Dartmouth in volleyball
• Dartmouth: Women’s soccer beat Cornell
• Cornell: Cornell  beats Dartmouth in field hockey

Ooooooh merciful heavens! Ne’er since the demiurge unloosened its diluvial umbrage hath anybody quite so ably — MADE. IT. RAIN.

This video has been circulating around the Internet in earnest of late. Maybe its no “Boom Goes the Dynamite,” but it still makes us smile all the same.

The alley-oop actually dates back to the 2006-2007 season, when the Quakers faced off against Florida Gulf Coast in its regular season opener. The play’s executor was Ibrahim Jaaber, a 6’2” point/shooting guard who played college hoops in Philly from ’03 to ’07 and wracked up consecutive Ivy League Player of the Year awards in his junior and senior seasons. He’s also the Ancient Eight’s all-time steals leader with 303 takeaways and a two-time AP All-American honorable mention.

Jaaber, ever the showboat, dropped the dunk in question with 37 seconds left in the game, which his team won by a score of 97-74.

Penn went on to win the Ivies that year and scored an NCAA tournament berth. It was the last time the team wasn’t terrible. Jaaber graduated and the Quaker’s might as well have replaced him with this guy. Their record is 29-58 since.

Mr. Jaaber expatriated and now plays pro ball in Bulgaria, where he is a naturalized citizen. He tells anyone who asks that he played for Penn State. (We would imagine.) Meanwhile, Penn basketball fans no doubt wake up in cold sweats thinking back to a time when they wouldn’t lose to Phillips Exeter’s JV squad.

Much thanks to our Harvard tipster and BostonBarstool.com for unearthing.

It’s week 2 of the IvySports Roundup, and what a week it was. The IOC’s choice for host of the 2016 Olympics made Brazil’s president cry and real Americans happy. TV ratings for certain shows skyrocketed due to imagined nudity and sex with employees. And Ithaca was invaded by yet another rapidly-spreading infection, although this one was much more delicious.

Of course none of that has to do with Ivy League sports, so let’s hurry up and get to the countdown. Here’s the previous roundup if you want to know where the schools ranked last week. But if you read that, you’re living in the past. Things are different now man, so get with the program. Start living in the now. After all, tomorrow is just your future yesterday.

1. Columbia

Holds (insanely huge) bragging rights (for decades to come) over: Princeton

Columbia football hasn’t had a winning record in the Ivy League since Rocko’s Modern Life was on TV. Princeton is only 3 years removed from winning the league title. And even though the two schools were picked to finish 5th and 6th in the Ancient Eight this year, not even the Mayans could have predicted the 38-0 scoreline the Lions laid on the Tigers–a level of destruction not seen outside of Roland Emmerich movies. (Coincidently 38-0 is the range your IQ needs to be in for you to enjoy a Roland Emmerich movie.) In the league opener for both schools, Columbia left New Jersey with their largest margin of victory since 1972 and their first in-league road shutout since 1961. Lions quarterback Millicent “The Magnificent” Olawale ran for a touchdown and threw for two more, while cornerback Jared Morine had a 51-yard pick six.

One might say that calling this game utter destruction is an exaggeration since the stats are actually very close and the game only got out of hand in the fourth quarter where the Lions scored three of their five touchdowns. And to that we say shut up Princeton Athletic Department’s writeup of the game, because none of that matters. What’s important is that Princeton, traditionally near the top of the Ivy League in almost all sports, was completely blown out by the “perennial pushover” Columbia Lions. It was a such a humiliating loss that in order for the Daily Princetonian to find a silver lining, they had to reach back to 1890–you know, before the forward pass was legal. This is the event that will bring Princeton and its fans down a peg for years to come. So remember fellow Ivy Leaguers, the next time the Princeton band shows up at your school for a game and starts acting like the dickweeds they are, just walk up and politely remind them about the day their beloved Tigers lost 38-0 to Columbia at home. There is no comeback.

The rest of the schools follow the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Ivy League sports may have been taking place for a month now, but the season doesn’t really count unless the IvySports Roundup is there to sort it all out. That is why all Ivy League games before February 2009 never really happened. We decided to wait until this week to commence with the Roundup because we wanted some head-to-head Ancient Eight contests to help make our intricate rankings system more robust. Also, TV Land had a M*A*S*H marathon and we have priorities.

For those new to the IvySports Roundup, here’s how it works: Each week we rank the eight Ivy League schools based on the performance of their athletics teams over the prior weekend, thereby making it just as legitimate as any other college ranking. In addition, we list which colleges have bragging rights over their Ivy rivals. This is a helpful guide for students who want to know where to direct their taunting Facebook messages. Please note that even schools towards the bottom of the rankings may still have bragging rights over colleges above them. That’s because there are many Ivy sporting results to boast about, although some are more legitimate than others. And since we’re in the fall sports season, no sport is more important to the rankings than Ivy League football–even though all the schools have been eliminated from the playoffs since 1978. Sorry college soccer, but having your game clock count down instead of up puts you behind field hockey in terms of importance.

And with that, onto the rankings, starting with the school that had the most painful end to the 2008-09 season.

1. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Over the past decade, the quality of Big Red football has run the gamut from “meh” to “bluh”, and this season was expected to fall somewhere in that range. We have no idea why they’ve been so consistently mediocre. Landing top recruits should be easy when you’re located in the best college town in America*. But while Cornell may still find themselves in the bottom half of the standings in November, for now they sit alone at the top. Two weeks in and the Big Red are the only team out of the eight to have a perfect 2-0 record. Cornell followed up an opening game win over Bucknell with a 14-12 victory at Yale. The Red were close to losing their lead late in the annual Hogwarts Bowl after the Bulldogs scored a touchdown with no time remaining. But the two-point conversion failed and Cornell survived for the road win. (Oddly, the Yale Athletics’ video highlights of the game omits this key final play. Hey don’t be bitter, hockey season’s just around the corner.) Both these successes have earned the Big Red 14 points in the latest FCS poll, which Cornell Athletics considers big news for some reason. “Yay! People think we’re slightly better than Alabama A&M!”

Also this game was broadcast live on Versus, so an audience of 10 people got to see Cornell’s win. We are joking of course. With the dispute with DirecTV, it’s closer to 6 people.

The rest of the schools follow the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

This is Louis Leblanc. He’s from Kirkland, Quebec. Last season, he played for the Omaha Lancers of the USHL. On Friday, he was selected by the Montreal Canadiens in the first round of the NHL Draft. That made thousands of Québécois very happy and subsequently irritating. But Leblanc isn’t going to suit up for the Habs just yet because next year he’ll be attending Harvard University and playing for the Crimson men’s ice hockey team.

Congratulations Louis Leblanc. By being a French-Canadian hockey phenom and a Harvard student, you are officially the most loathsome hockey player ever.

Sometime around 3 p.m. on Monday, May 25th, the Ivy League was about to take over the men’s lacrosse world. Cornell had pulled off a shocking upset of top seed Virginia two days earlier in the national semifinals, and they were leading no. 2 Syracuse in the national championship game. The Orange had closed the gap from three goals to one in the final four minutes of the game, but with less than thirty seconds to go, the Big Red had the ball.

Meanwhile, with Cornell a few seconds away from their first national championship in lacrosse since 1977, Princeton’s men’s lacrosse team was looking to start a dynasty next year. Although the Tigers lost to Cornell in the quarterfinals this year, Hall of Fame coach Bill Tierney had everything set up to dominate the Ivy League and possibly the national stage. Princeton boasted the top freshman defenseman and goalie in the country in Chad Weidmaier and Tyler Fiorito, respectively. Tierney was sure to add to the 14 Ivy titles and maybe even the six NCAA titles he won in his 22 years with the Tigers. Things were looking bright for the Ancient Eight.

And then, the Fail Pandas appeared.

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It’s time once again for the IvySports Roundup: The place where we recap all the official Ivy League sports of the previous weekend. That’s right, for all the official Ivy League teams that had contests, we’ve got them covered. You won’t find any of those lame unofficial club teams here, like mock trial, quiz bowl, or rugby. It’s all the real deal.

After this past weekend’s EAWRC Sprints, we’ve officially reached the end of the Ivy League athletics season. As such, this is the penultimate IvySports Roundup of the school year with the last one coming in a couple weeks when Dartmouth is eliminated in the NCAA D-1 baseball regionals. And since there were so few contests on which to base a complete rank order this week, this is an abbreviated Roundup. Just a top three plus last. And off we go:

1. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Princeton

Obvious choice for number one this week. In Saturday’s IvyCoChampionsLacrossigeddon at Hofstra, the Big Red stifled the Tigers 6-4 to advance to the national semifinals in Foxborough. It’s Cornell’s second trip to the Final Four in the last three years. If you saw the game on television, then you are one of the seven people in the country to get ESPNU. Also, you would have seen a defensive struggle in which the difference was Cornell hauling in 39 (!) ground balls to Princeton’s 19. Leading the Big Red with two goals was senior Rocco Romero, who will now have to miss hearing convocation speaker David Plouffe in order to play in a packed Gillette Stadium against Virginia on ESPN2. You have to feel sorry for him.

It was not all sunshine and ass-kickings for Big Red teams, however. Despite being seeded as “not the worst” team in their regional bracket, Cornell softball went two and done, including a defeat to 27-loss Sacred Heart. Making up for that disappointment was men’s and women’s track, who finished best out of the Ivy schools at the IC4A and ECAC Championships. Granted, they only finished fifth and tenth overall, but have you ever seen SUNY-Albany‘s track teams? They’re known as the Blur of the Mohawk-Hudson River Confluence. You’ve got no chance at beating them if you’re from the tri-state area.

More after the jump.

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As you probably didn’t notice, the IvySports Roundup did not run last week. That is not to say that no important Ivy League sports took place on the first weekend in May. Quite the opposite in fact, as Ivy League titles were decided in men’s lacrosse, baseball, and softball. And that’s in addition to Ancient Eight alumni actually doing well in pro sports. However, as last week was the beginning of study week for most students, we felt that we should honor the occasion by partaking in the great study week tradition of slacking off. But there are no excuses this week as the Roundup is back, and there’s a lot of catching up to do since last time.

This week’s rankings takes into account the events of the past two weekends, in which seven Ivy League titles were decided. Two schools tied for the most titles in the last fortnight with 2.5 each. After factoring in the intangibles–such as which school’s band can we piss off with the minimum amount of effort–the choice for number one was clear.

1. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

The Tools–I mean Tigers–had a very successful weekend. Both men’s lightweight crew and women’s track won Ancient Eight titles. The latter team won their first outdoor track league title in 11 years and ended Cornell’s seven year reign. Meanwhile, men’s lacrosse–who won a share of the Ivy championship last week with their win over Brown–breezed past UMass 10-7 in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Not to be outdone, women’s lacrosse pounded Georgetown 15-9 in their first round game.

But Princeton’s place atop the rankings this week (and their holding of bragging rights over Cornell) is mainly due to the accomplishments of one particular alumnus. Three weeks ago, Princeton grad George Parros fought Cornell grad Douglas Murray in Southern California. No, it wasn’t a battle between agents for the right to represent Susan Boyle. It was in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Playoff series between Parros’ Ducks and Murray’s Sharks, and we never gave the fight its due. Based on the video, we see it as a close decision win for Parros, whose team would go on to win the series. And that’s why the Tools are number one…for now.

Find out why after the jump.

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Apologies for the IvySports Roundup being a day late this week, but [insert Swine Flu excuse/joke here].

This weekend in Ancient Eight athletics was a difficult one to determine a rank order for, as nearly every school did very well in some sports and very horribly in others. So the plan was to add extra emphasis to this weekend’s NFL Draft. The Draft is one of the few occasions when names of Ivy League athletes may be listed in proximity to names of athletes from Texas Tech and Oregon. Being drafted is about the greatest accomplishment an Ivy League football player can achieve outside of winning the conference title and earning the right to not play in the national tournament.

Alas for the second year in a row, no Ivy Leaguers were selected, thus denying Chris Berman a segue to remind everyone that he went to Brown. This sudden drought in the League’s production of marginal professional athletes is a depressing one, as the Ivies had produced five draft picks between 2004 and 2007. More upsetting is that in order to determine number 1 in this week’s IvySports rankings, we must go to a tiebreaker: the last school to have a player selected in the NFL Draft.

1. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

While Linebacker Zak DeOssie’s selection in the 4th Round of the 2007 NFL Draft by the Giants gives Brown the number one spot this week, they had a pretty good April weekend in 2009 as well. In men’s lacrosse, the Bears shocked second-ranked Cornell 11-9 to ruin the Big Red’s hopes of an outright Ivy League title. The win also bumps Brown back into the NCAA Tournament discussion after their upset loss to Penn a few weeks ago. Senior goalie Jordan Burke of Yuppie, Maryland led the Bears with 18 saves and was named Ivy League Player of the Week. Brown now controls their own destiny in the battle for the Ivy League’s automatic bid, as a win at Princeton on Saturday will send the Bears to the tournament for the first time since 1997.

The other schools–plus more fun Ivy League/NFL Draft facts–after the jump.

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