• Columbia: "'Rooster’s breakfast' is Slovenian slang for 'early morning sex.'"
• Columbia: Madonna Constantine demonstrates inability to cut losses.
• Harvard: Oh Harvard kids, so goddamn worldly.
• Yale: Would you believe these kids and their hats?
• Princeton: Construction workers go overboard trying to take Princeton's gobs of money.
• Dartmouth: "An officer assigned to detail a Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority event at Everything But Anchovies arrested an underage male who brought liquor in a cup to the event." Gin and anchovies -- busted.
• Penn: Hillary Clinton owes everyone money.

What's this? A college newspaper endorsing Hillary Clinton? Over-educated youth voters that don't want Barack Obama to be their new bicycle? Did they not see the video of the hot girl jiggling her breasts at the Illinois senator? Did they miss the memo about Will.I.Am? As upwardly-mobile 18- to 22-year-olds, Penn, it is your utmost stereotypic duty to endorse the handsome Columbia grad with the baritone voice, not the angry Wellesley lady with the funny-uncle husband!

Clinton's camp was so excited to have the support of a single person under the age of 60, they penned a  "MUST READ" press release about it. DP's ed board writes,

Obama's charisma far outshines Hillary's... But choosing the president of the United States is too important a decision to make based on hope alone. After finishing his term in the Senate and better showing us what he can do for the American people, Obama could one day be a remarkable president.

Is this a "pay your dues" argument? The whole point of being an entitled 21C Ivy Leaguer is not paying your dues: You either invent a website and make a billion bucks in a week, or you shuffle lazily through uninspiring office jobs and whine about underutilization. Don't worry, it's nothing that can't be cured with a little Ritalin.

Clinging to their guns in economically depressed North West Philly, it is not surprising that Penn has grown bitter. Nonetheless, they have broken the sacred covenant of Ivory Tower Elitism, and for that, Penn is hereby voted off Ivy Island. We endorse Penn State to take their place. When you squint, the names are almost the same, and outsiders are always mixing the two up, anyway. It'll be just like "The Parent Trap," but with elaborate mascots and no Lindsay Lohan remake.

A recent Huffington Post article has uncovered a piece of truly startling news: your professors are giving crazy amounts of money to Democrats, and just about none to Republicans (it’s 86%-14%, to be exact). Most people will shrug it off, but we’re hoping this will galvanize the like 27 Ivy League celebrants of Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week to go on a hunger strike.

Ivy League professors have given $470,000 this election cycle, which is significantly less than just about every special interest group ever. Obama has taken in $205K from this very important lobby; Hillary has received $147,000. Even Mitt has got in the game, amassing $33,000. If only BYU was in the Ivy League!

Poor conservatives! They’re really struggling these days, what with control of the White House, the Supreme Court, and until recently, Congress. At least the liberals still have their Ivory Tower.

After the jump: the HuffPo’s article in full.

Read the rest of this entry »

Last week, IvyGate jumped onto the Hillary Rodham college sexcapades pile after a letter she wrote in 1967 said she "met a boy from Dartmouth and spent a Saturday night in Hanover." Turns out this Green was Robert Reich, Dartmouth '68 and the first Secretary of Labor for Bill Clinton, with whom he became friends as a Rhodes Scholar.

Reich, now a professor at Berkeley, is also an avid Blogger, and over a series of months has been dropping information about his date with Rodham. Let the New York Times' Caucus blog summarize:

Mr. Reich recalled that because both he and Ms. Rodham were student class presidents, he proposed a "presidential summit" date. They went to see Michelangelo Antonioni's film "Blowup."

"She wanted a lot of butter on her popcorn," Mr. Reich said on his blog. "A lot of butter. Significant? You be the judge."

OK, I will: He totally hit it.

His description of the encounter sounds like thinly veiled code he learned from Bill Clinton at Oxford. Imagine Clinton calling Monica Lewinsky back in the day for a "presidential summit" where they start off with "Blowup" before he "butters her popcorn."

The verdict stands: Dartmouth, you studs!

--JIM NEWELL 

Sex in the champagne room? Not for elite college students, according to a recent study. Apparently, libido's a lot lower in the upper ranks. Intelligence and sexual drive just simply don't mix.

Yeah, yeah, knew that, thanks IvyGate. But what if I told you that...

ZERO percent of Wellesley Studio Art majors are virgins?

That's right. Not. A. Single. One. That's, like, a whole 20 percent from the next closest major, those randy-ass kids in the Anthropology department. You paying attention, Crimson?

Wait, no you're not, 'cause 59 percent of you are virgins. And neither are Princeton kids, for that matter -- you're at 56 percent.

Apparently there are a whole lot of people too busy watching Sex and the City and Entourage episodes to, you know, um, actually get down to it. But fear not! Those liberal arts kids are turning the tables, and the sexin' is happening somewhere in isolation in Tiny Collegetown, USA. The contrasting Wellesley by-major breakdown below:

As someone in the IvyGate office mentioned, "Studio art girls PUT. OUT."

Not only does this confirm every stereotype in existence about art-school girlfriends -- um, and liberal arts colleges (which includes you, Brown), and undeclared majors, and students in the hard sciences (yes, I said hard, get your mind out of the gutter for Christ's sake) -- but that lends so much more insight into Newell's previous post about a certain presidential hopeful.

Ugh. What was Hillary's major again? Political science? Nevermind, that explains everything.

Nevertheless, there are all sorts of shockers in this data treasure trove: Neuroscience comes in third? Philosophy is only middling? Computer science comes in fifth, at 40 percent virgins?

Jesus lord. On that note, what the hell's going on over at MIT? (Actually, nothing -- according to the full study, only 65 percent of MIT GRADUATE students have had sex. Oy.)

Maybe some explanation, courtesy of a University of Texas study:

Another idea, consistent with popular media portrayals of geeks and nerds (males at least), is that intelligent people actually want to have sex, but are simply less likely or unable to obtain willing partners because they are disproportionately viewed as unattractive or undesirable as partners.

To bring it full-circle, classic insight from the Harvard Independent into the evolutionary psychology of Harvard dating:

Let's take the typical Harvard girl and give her the same complementary attributes, and what you have is the ubiquitous problem of the "H-Bomb." Whether you realized this or not, your acceptance into Harvard eliminated 99.99% of the world's male population from being your potential love interest. Societal "standards" have deemed that you should date an Ivy-leaguer. And yes, I realize that it's like some sick, twisted perpetuation of social Darwinism. There are slim pickings, dears, when you look at your pool of candidates. On top of the fact that you have been sucked into the cult of Ivy-cest, the "lower" Ivy males are scared of you like none other. You attend the school they were rejected from.

So what does this all mean? I don't know, I majored in journalism and I haven't had my coffee yet. But I swear, they must be putting something in the water up there.

So Ivy women, speak up! Surprised? E-mail ivygate.guest@gmail.com with your stories and we might compile them into one big anonymous list of sexual anecdotes proving or disproving our little theory. It'll be like a digital Tom Wolfe novel, all on your RSS feed.

Oh, and by the way? Extrapolated, it also means there's are 50-50 even odds on Diane Sawyer's status while she was there as an English major.

Yeah. Exactly. -- ANDREW NUSCA