Attention Elis: You may have already won the Swine Flu Clearinghouse! According to the Yale University Health Services, at least four patients are currently being treated for influenza A and awaiting test results from the Connecticut Department of Health, AKA Swine Flu Central.

While other schools seem to be sticking to the Cover Your Cough handbook, Yale looks like they might actually be taking this shit seriously. Because kids are dying. In Mexico. Accordingly, the Yale administration has put a stop on all funding to go to Mexico based on a campus-wide email that made it into our tip box. (Don't worry, students are going to go anyways. Chiapas is crazy this time of year.)

In an unexpectedly extreme move, Dartmouth is actually pulling kids out of Mexico. It looks like the 11 study abroaders at the Dartmouth Language School Abroad program in Cholula might not learn the subjunctive case after all. Hopefully they got in on the hot sauce manufactured there. You know, the one with the wooden top. IvyGate favorite, that is.

After the jump, a school-by-school report of the biggest health scare in the United States that doesn't really seem all that scary. But it's always fun seeing surgical masks in the street.

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This is how the world used to be for us ladies:  If you went to Health Services, no matter your complaint, you were invariably given a pregnancy test.  Of course, what with the recent update at Brown’s Health Services, a friendly visit might go a little more like this: Here is a pregnancy test, we hope that sex was worth it.  Now, would you like us to help you achieve orgasm next time?

That’s right, according to an article in the Brown Daily Herald, it seems that Brown’s Health Services have undertaken a new cause: Ladies Must Finally Achieve Orgasm (LMFAO) --and no, it's not really called this.  We're just messin' with you.  You can thank all the girls who actually went to health services because they couldn’t come for this.

More to moan about, after the jump:

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