Barely legal hottie Emma Watson (aka Hermione Granger, aka Harry Potter's First Boner, in the movies about the kid whose penis is now available for public viewing on Broadway) toured Harvard yesterday and is now wandering the street of New Haven, according to students who spotted her this morning:

Saw her walking around with one of the head tour guides, and now she's in the admissions office having an interview. Once I muster the courage (read: creepyness), I'll take pictures from the bushes or save her from being run over by a bus or something.

In the absence of Miss Watson, Harvard has been entertaining a handful of other celebrities. An operative informs us:

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are currently at Harvard as well. Rumor has it that one of Demi's daughters is looking to apply. And also JoJo was here like two weekends ago I'm just learning. As opposed to Emma and Demi's daughter, she came just to party (allegedly) and was sighted at a couple final clubs.

Eh, who cares about Rumer or Bristol or whoeverthehell Ashton is awkwardly fathering these days. Let's obsess about Hermione Granger a little more. Since Emma's Grand College Tour appears to be heading south, we predict a Columbia appearance tomorrow (plus partying in NYC for the weekend?) and Princeton next week. Squeal!

Budding paparazzi, get your shutters ready. Next time, we want pictures.

You may recall from Jacob Savage's "Drinking on Facebook 101," one of my favorite posts evarr, how '11s across the League are creating groups to demonstrate their mad drinking skillz, which sometimes reach five Smirnoff Ices in a single night. The standard bearer for this bacchanalian revelry was the Columbia group "Screw the U - Columbia '11 works hard but parties harder!!" That's right, two exclamation points, bitch. 

Given the First Rule of Facebook Groups -- for every eccentric group there is an equal and opposite eccentric group -- there was no way these chug-a-lugs would exist in a vacuum. With that, allow me to introduce "Columbia '11 Works Hard, Stays Indoors, And Does Not Party At All."

I don't feel like a jerk describing them as geeks, because they'd be the first to admit it. And while their philistine adversaries have some dizzyingly funny discussion board topics, like "Mary Jane" and "The thin line between drunk and tipsy," these more traditional Columbia types have "Orientation Iliad Discussion Party" and "Attracted to Dorkiness."

After the jump, riveting tales of supergalactic love and temperance.

But first, as funny as these groups are, I'm a little worried about the Columbia '11s. It's still a month or so before their college experience starts, and many have already cordoned themselves into one-dimensional identities. Isn't it odd that some of the country's brightest kids have self-dichotomized -- at the college level, no less -- into bingers vs. squares? I thought the point of college was discovering nuances and not having to choose between the Screech or A.C. Slater camps. We should emulate Zack Morris: a friend to all of earth's creatures, a lover of Kelly Kapowski.

Meh. Nerd sex, after the jump. 

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I'm not writing about Harry Potter just because it's a national obsession: there are some very clear Ivy ties. For example, the Daily Princetonian reported back in January that Daniel Radcliffe was going to be Princeton '11. Wait, that was the joke issue? Honestly, I have a very straightforward motivation in promoting Harry Potter--it fosters in children an interest in witchcraft and the occult, and with that in mind, it helps me in my Hell-borne quest to subvert Christian morality and destroy the fabric of American society. Duh.

No, the real connection comes from the way students all over have a tendency to associate the 'magic of Hogwarts' with their own schools.

Yale has a particular obsession: when not complaining about Hermione being too attractive, the Yale Daily News passes the time debating which residential colleges are most like Gryffindor and whether Larry Summers is Voldemort incarnate. On Facebook, the story is no different. Yale has spawned "Yale is Hogwarts, Harvard is Azkaban," and "I Chose Yale Because it is Like Hogwarts" --265 and 448 members at writing, respectively.

Harvard's response? "Harvard is Hogwarts, Yale is Azkaban"... 4 members. Back in 2001 the Crimson observed that quite a few Harvard students found HP "very harvardish," or that Hogwarts was "Harvard plus magic." "The childish nature of the Harry Potter series appears to be a strong pull," wrote G.M. Sheehan. The debate is since settled; Scholastic's first reader (Arthur Levine, Brown '84) in charge of Harry Potter noted at a Master's Tea that Yale was "the closest thing you can get to Hogwarts in the United States." At least Harry and the Potters are playing in Harvard Hogwarts Square on opening night.

But don't fight about which school is Hogwarts--don't you see? No one school is, they all are! It's magic.

Send tips, but not spoilers, to ivygate.guest@gmail.com. Fun campus Harry Potter stories are welcome!

--SAM JACKSON