Apparently GoCrossCampus, that super complicated internet Ivy League war-game thingee, still exists and is thriving or something. We’d update you on how everyone is doing, but that’d require understanding how it works. Luckily, Kurt Hugo Schneider (the Yalie behind the genius known as “Watch YTV“), has an explanation, and it’s in his usual catchy music video form, featuring songstress sweetheart Meg Martinez and yet another pidgin-speaking emasculated Asian male for cheap laughs.

v

I’d question the logic behind the Asian-bash-for-giggles thing (Anger regarding academic competitiveness? Redirected sexual anxieties from overeager college kids?), but that’d be even more complicated than the rules to GoCrossCampus, so, meh. If only GoCrossCampus actually had the power to inspire choreographed fight scenes with musically talented dweeb-chic boys in scenic locations all over campus — then I’d take the time to figure it out. In the meantime, I’ll just watch the movie.

Enough talk, enough lists, enough comparison of real-world accomplishments. It’s time to settle once and for all whether Cornell or Brown is the greatest school in America. There’s only one logical way such a thing could be done: a massive internet strategy war-game thing.

What are the rules, you ask? Well, we have no clue and refuse to spend even a minute learning them. Apparently it’s like Risk or something. Here’s some random text from their website I copied and pasted without reading.

GXC is a locally social online game.
Every residential college, dorm, or group makes up a team, and anyone in one of those groups can be a player.

You control a piece, your suitemate controls a piece, that girl down the hall controls a piece.
Your pieces, or armies, can take over territory: your quad, your bench, your dining hall - but you, as a team, have to agree on a plan and gather enough forces for a successful attack. If you can’t organize yourselves, how will you ever conquer…your entire campus?

Register for battle right now. Hie thee thither.

Some predictions: Yale does really well in the beginning, but Harvard wins in the end. Princeton, Brown, and Dartmouth get crushed early on. Cornell does better than anyone would have thought.