Sometimes bloggers can get a little too eager for their own good. It’s almost too easy: you nab a seemingly grade-A scoop, you rehash the details with a few world-weary ellipses, you post the whole thing alongside a picture on which you’ve drawn a few crude arrows and the words “F U Hipsters”–and then you find out that the whole thing was made up, and those damn hipsters have won again. (F U HIPSTERS.)
Yeah. Not like that’s ever happened to us or anything. But it happened to Gawker today! The blog picked up what it thought was a legit story from Columbia’s Morningside Post, about a professor who refused to accept a late student’s homework despite the fact that she’d been mugged on the way to class. The muggers, according to the story, were far more merciful than the douchebag professor:
“They started to run away with my bag but I screamed and begged them to let me have my Statistics homework,” Ms. Watkins reported. “I told them they could have my wallet, my iPhone, anything- just not the homework.”
In a moment of charity, one of the muggers apparently reached into Ms. Watkins’ purse and retrieved her homework assignment, laying it neatly on the sidewalk next to where the incident occurred.
“Even though my ankle hurt really badly and I couldn’t really walk very well, I knew that Professor Thurman would have been really angry if I tried to turn the homework in late. So I hobbled to the SIPA building as fast as I could. I thought because I was only two minutes late he’d be lenient. I thought wrong.”
Gawker, to its credit, was reasonably skeptical. Kind of.
The asshole professor part is much easier to believe than the polite muggers part. Regardless of the truth of the matter, the lesson is clear: if she’d stayed within the fortress-like confines of her private security-patrolled Ivy League campus rather than setting foot on a public thoroughfare infested with race-card-playing ruffians, this never would have happened. Lesson learned.
Of course, the real “lesson learned” here is not to believe everything you read on the Morningside Post. Those hooligans will post anything. (They’ve since clarified on their website that the post was satirical, in light of “questions from concerned readers.”)
In other news, what’s up with this Professor Thurman guy (who’s real, by the way)? We know he didn’t actually refuse to accept a mugging victim’s late homework, but the fact that he might have means we’d still like to scope him out. And maybe borrow his Identity of Terror for a couple hours. Because at the end of the day, Gawker-in-error still retains a shred of reason: Columbia students really shouldn’t ever leave the house.