Joining a business fraternity can be a good way to get on Wall Street. But it looks like the initiates of one Cornell chapter took their valuable connections too far. In doing so, they’ve continued a cherished Wall Street tradition: undermining democracy.

Two members (including a senior officer) and a freshman pledge of Cornell’s Delta Sigma Pi, a “professional business fraternity” which hosts events like “So You Want to Work on Wall Street”, appear to have significantly compromised the integrity of the university’s Student Assembly election process, according to a report published in The Cornell Daily Sun. Reporter Jeff Stein obtained internal SA correspondence indicating that University Assembly representative Melissa Lukasi­ewicz ’14 gave freshman SA representative E.J. Yeterian ’15 several sheets of signatures endorsing Lukasiewicz, which Yeterian then forged so that the signatures appeared to endorse herself.

Apparently Yeterian hadn’t collected enough signatures for her own run by the SA’s deadline, so she accepted Lukasiewicz’s signature sheets, crossed out Lukasiewicz’s name at the top of each, and wrote in her own. According to several Sun commenters, Yeterian is currently pledging Delta Sigma Pi, which would explain why Lukasiewicz, an active member of DSP, was comfortable providing Yeterian with the signatures. (Over the weekend we emailed Yeterian, along with the entire executive committee, to verify her pledge status. We’ll update if/when we hear back.)

The Student Assembly’s “Campaign Ethics” says that no candidate may “pressure or force other students to vote or campaign for them under any circumstances.”

Yeterian’s brazenness (did she just really cross Lukasiewicz’s name out?) suggests that she didn’t understand the fraudulence of using attempting to use signatures intended to endorse someone else. Lukasiewicz’s participation, however, is pretty surprising. As the chair of the University Assembly’s Executive Committee, she probably undoubtedly knew that you don’t just give away your signatures to someone who doesn’t have enough. Even if Especially if that person happens to be pledging your Wall Street-feeding fraternity.

Indeed, DSP’s executive committee comprises employees and interns of Bank of America-Merrill Lynch, UBS (New York and Tokyo), JPMorgan Chase, Credit Suisse, Morgan Stanley, Morgan Stanley Smith Barney (really), and Barclays Capital.

The person who makes this foolish incident approach Twilight Zone-esque levels of absurdity is Adam Raveret ’12 , the Student Assembly’s Director of Elections and DSP’s VP of Community Service, who has allowed Yeterian to continue in the election:

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The school that everyone assumes is in the Ivy League before you casually explain to them that, in fact, it isn’t, has made news… Well, only through another tangential misassociation with the Ivy League, but still! Apparently, Stanford professors are smart enough to tell us not to worry about driving around in Japanese flaming death machines, but not to spot a flagrant fakester: that is, Adam Wheeler, whom they admitted as a transfer  for the 2010-2011 academic year.

Smooth move, especially after ‘Wheasler’ had already been expelled from Bowdoin and Harvard, the latter heavily featured on his transcript. Nor did they seem to notice the overwhelming smell of bullshit emanating from his obviously-faked resume before firing off the thick-envelope. Perhaps our parallel-universe California brethren aren’t so different after all. Although, their mascot is a god damn tree. What’s the deal with that?

But here’s the best part: Seems as if Stanford still isn’t sure whether or not to let the guy in. Speaking to the Crimson, Lisa Lapin, Stanford’s PR lady, is taking an innocent-until-proven-so-obviously-guilty attitude:

Whenever the university becomes aware of a possible misrepresentation of facts in an application for admission, Stanford will investigate. If at any point the university concludes that an applicant has misrepresented their credentials, we will revoke an offer of admission.

Maybe, just maybe, after talking his way out of those 20 felony charges, Wheeler will end up in sunny NorCal, working on his tan and being asked what the Ivy League is like. (Also, “suckling on the teat of disdain.”)

We also gather that his academic interests might have changed a bit from “Armenian critical topographies.” He also applied to Williams College’s seaport maritime studies program.

Arr!!!

At this point, we should just start a program at Harvard for people who cheated their way in; these are the future leaders of America, people. If you think a little jail time is going to keep this Jim Halpert look-alike out of a corner office on Wall Street, you must be working at the White House on finance reform.

Adam Wheeler managed to transfer to Harvard as a sophomore, in itself an impressive feat, but made more impressive by the fact that he blatantly fabricated his entire academic career to get in. He told Harvard that he had scored a 1600 on his SATs, attended Phillips Academy and then MIT before deciding to transfer, all the while posting straight-A averages. Apparently, even applicants are above reproach on Harvard Yard, and nobody bothered to check the veracity of any of these claims (making me wonder why I ever had to take the SATs, let alone do well on them), and Wheeler was on course to graduate this year with a degree in English.

So where did he go wrong? The bastard got greedy and applied for Rhodes and Fulbright Scholarships, which necessitated that professors briefly read his CV before writing him the requisite fluff pieces. One of these professors actually looked at his resume, realized that it was really similar bio to another professor’s at Harvard, and blew the whistle. That fake MIT degree comes in handy though, as Wheeler has to be able to count up to twenty, which is the number of indictments he is being slapped with. He’s probably going to do jail time for stealing financial aid money to fund his education spree. For a kid so smart, it seems sort of stupid to blow $45,000+ for two years of skunky beer and pulling all-nighters in the library.

Regardless, now that this kid is on the radar, he’s going to go far. He got into the Ivy League the real fucking way—he picked himself up from his bootstraps, and without the help of Mommy, Daddy and Kaplan SAT review. While he might not have the degree to prove it, Adam Wheeler probably learned more getting into college than most students learn in four years spent there legitimately, so good for him; plus, a story about how you cheated your way into Harvard is always more interesting than a story about how you earned your way into Harvard, so he’s got that going for him, too. Little victories.

Like a real life version of Leonardo DiCaprio’s insufferable character in the insufferable movie Catch Me if You Can, the insufferable Adam Wheeler has burst onto the scene, making Aleksey Vayner seem like small potatoes and Goldman look good.

Wheeler fabricated grades, rec letters and — *nostalgia bomb* — published books in a mad Ivory Tower infiltration scheme. Shooting for the big leagues, he BS-ed his way into Rhodes and Fulbright scholarship applications as well as thousands of dollars in Harvard grant money (endowment stewardship FTW).

It gets worse. Unlike his affirmative-acted and last-name-legacized peers, Wheeler definitely doesn’t deserve to be at Harvard at all; he made up his high school credentials too.

Now the Big Liar On Campus has to contend with 20 criminal charges and will probably have to fabricate a pretty good legal degree. Wheeler’s story — a testament to the analytical prowess of admissions offices and scholarship committees coast-to-coast — is currently lighting up the internets, with comment pages boiling over with anti-Ivy vitriol.

On our part, we’ll cover the story as it develops. So far, we’ve got an alleged tale of his expulsion from Bowdoin of all places, for academic dishonesty, and the fact that many people think he’s hot.

Readers: some of you must have known the guy. Give us the scoop, anonymity guaranteed.