Princeton Alum Fired From Penn For Making Fun Of Applicant Essays

Woman Laughing at Comp.jpgShocker: Of the 31,127 students who applied to the University of Pennsylvania last year, some were not “Penn material.” And thanks to one brave Princetonian, we now know who wasn’t up to par.

The Daily Pennsylvanian reports that former admissions officer Nadirah Foley, Princeton Class of 2011, was fired by the university late last year after she was discovered mocking applicants’ essays on Facebook. According to The DP, Foley also shared these essays over College Confidential, prompting responses such as “This loses my respect for UPenn and for the general admissions process SOOO much.” Everyone in the admissions department must be devestated.

Here are some of the students who proved worthy of Foley’s scorn:

  • A student who had “long and deep” connections to Penn because he had been circumcised at the school’s Hillel.
  • A student who overcame his fear of going to the bathroom in the great outdoors.
  • A student who thought Penn was near the beach.

Winklevoss Twins Now Shilling For Pistachio Nuts

Congratulations, gentlemen. You’ve officially jumped the shark.

Facebook is Turning Us All Into Post-Postmodern Monsters

Good writing is just as noteworthy as bad writing — moreso even! — so it’s worth singling out every once in a while. And, since we spent the better part of Friday shitting on a Cornell Sun columnist, we figured now was as good a time as ever to highlight another writer from the same paper.

Nathan Tailleur wrote an enjoyable (if heavy-handed) deconstruction of social relations in the Facebook era for yesterday’s edition of the Sun. The takeaway, if I’m interpreting correctly, is that the more navel-gazing and passive interacting we do on social media sites, the more we’re actually punching ourselves in the metaphysical face, or something. Maybe?

As soon as we question the authenticity of experiences we were comfortable having, we expose ourselves to apparently different, but essentially identical issues — only this time they’re about the authenticity of our worries about authenticity. We’re running from context. The reader-author relationship of this very article is a recursive example of this phenomenon — as your eyes pass from word to word in this article, you lay down another layer. You’re waiting for a misstep. You’re looking for truth. You’re constructing and devouring me and I’m constructing and devouring you and down is up and we want to throw a punch but we’re worried we’re going to hit ourselves and we’re all so fucking tangled in the complexity of it all that even if we could stand on two solid legs and stop punching ourselves in the fists there’s no guarantee that the post-postmodern drain hole in the corner of the room will liberate us and we’re all just sooo goddamn tired.

I think this is also what happens to people when they try to read “Finnegans Wake?”

(h/t MetaEzra)

Winklevoss Twins Fire Back in Quarrel Everyone Else Already Forgot; Also Suffer Another Legal Setback

It’s tough to tell if the Winklevoss twins are losing more often these days in the court of law or the court of public opinion. Their remixed lawsuit against Facebook was thrown out of court on Friday when “Facebook had successfully argued that the claims made by the founders of ConnectU had already been dismissed by the courts.” AKA the Winklevosses already complained about this alleged instant message coverup, and no one cared.

After former Harvard President Larry Summers insinuated last week that the two were “assholes” for wearing jackets and ties in an afternoon meeting, the Winklevosses felt compelled to fire back in an e-mail to Summers’ successor, Drew Gilpin Faust. Angry e-mails to university presidents are almost always a good decision.

The Winklevosses (and Divya Narendra, that poor, perpetually forgotten third wheel of the Facebook Creation Myth) called Summers “tactfully challenged,” claimed to find it “deeply disturbing that a professor of this university openly admits to making character judgments of students based on their appearance,” and explained that “ironically, our choice of attire that day was made out of respect and deference to the office of the President.” They also explain that they sent Summers a “polite and rather un-swaggering email” before the meeting, as if swaggering e-mails are the norm.

I don’t really get what these two three are seeking to gain by staying in the public eye any longer. They already have their big cashmoney settlement, and their portrayal in The Social Network (combined with nearly every detail of their not-so-sad sob story) ensures that populist sentiment will never, ever be on their side. Whatever the reasoning, schadenfreude blog nation thanks you, Winklevosses, for your ongoing theatrics.

Larry Summers on the Attack! Says the Winklevii Are “Assholes”

Remember that scene in “The Social Network” when the Winklevoss twins met with then-Harvard President Larry Summers to complain about what a weasel Mark Zuckerberg was? They walked into his office, all like, “Make him give us our Facebook back!” And Summers, in turn, doled out some verbal evisceration. It was pretty great, and caused us to (grudgingly) appreciate Larry Summers a little bit more, even if it was just a movie.

Well, now real-life Larry Summers is shitting on the Winklevii too!

In an interview at Fortune magazine’s Brainstorm Tech conference today, Summers confirmed that the film’s portrayal of the meeting was pretty spot-on. He then added this gem:

One of the things you learn as a college president is that if an undergraduate is wearing a tie and jacket on Thursday afternoon at three o’clock, there are two possibilities. One is that they’re looking for a job and have an interview; the other is that they are an asshole. This was the latter case.

Sure, you could (rightly) complain that Summers calling anybody an asshole is a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. But, what with the Winklevoss twins continuing to drag out their insane, self-destructive, totally hopeless court battle against Facebook, we’re inclined to appreciate Summer’s verbal joust, rather than get stuck up in the irony of it. So, bravo, Mr. Summers. (Video after the jump)

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Yale Undergrad Develops Ultimate Procrastination Tool

People like to give our generation a lot of grief. “Kids these days are lazy, apathetic, self-obsessed blowhards!” they tell us.

Well, these old people cannot be more wrong. Millenials may be the brightest generation yet; everywhere you look there are dreamers, creators, thinkers, and doers. Just take a look at this new website, Hardlywork.in, which was recently developed by a 20-year-old computer science major at Yale University. This ingenious site converts your Facebook newsfeed into a real, legitimate-looking Excel document, making it the perfect tool to use at your boring summer internship. Thanks to Hardlywork.in, we no longer have to worry about doing all the stuff that I talked about three sentences ago!

I think Peter Gibbons from Office Space put it best when he said, “It’s not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It’s about all of us.”

Thank you, Yale. Thank you.

Winklevoss Twins Finally End Facebook Lawsuit … PSYCHE!

On Thursday, people all around the country were rejoicing over the news that our long national Facebook lawsuit nightmare had reached its culmination. “IT’S OVER!” I yelled, after reading this Reuters article. “Good God, it’s finally over!”

I was fully prepared to write an IvyGate post about how we should all feel sorry for the Winklevoss twins. They only walked away from the lawsuit with $65 million in Facebook stock (which has since ballooned to $100 million) and became household names thanks to an Oscar-winning film. Plus, their deltoid muscles are disproportionately large. It must suck to have such intimidating shoulders.

Then, on Friday, the major news outlets backtracked on their story and were all like, “Whoops, JK, the complete opposite of what we said is true.

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The Ivy League’s newest Freshies talk about, well how they should talk on the Interwebs

With less than a week until Christmas, new admits and high school seniors have filled the interwebs with endless chatter and unbridled enthusiasm about their potential futures. Of course, planning a meet-up in the city or venting about a supplement essay are sentiments that you should express to innately awkward, type-A  strangers. Perfect idea.

In this chatter, some students have actually considered us here at IvyGate when deciding how to talk about things like, well — how much they will actually enjoy spending time in the library. Trust me, your relationship to the school’s library will always be a awe then hate then love then resentment then nostalgia and then acceptance.
 
A forum on Brown’s College Confidential  said this when encouraging others to join the official Facebook group.  Apparently, they fail to realize what you write on the Internet, even on Facebook, can potentially be read by everyone, even IvyGate:
If you all wait for the official group, it will be much harder for current Brown students to stalk you and for Ivygate to repost your ridiculous messages. Which would be unfortunate.
Another gem from this College Confidential forum is:
I wouldn’t worry much about current students stalking you. I’d be worrying much more about people who didn’t get in joining the group and trolling like they did on yaybrown.

Yes, trolls are something that you should be warry wary of. Most of these wart-like creatures will do far more than write “Yay brown!” However, you’ll most likely just come across what some might label as “that guy.”

Nevertheless, we encourage all of you to send us what you see cropping out of these Propsie/Freshie blogs and Facebook groups to our tipline. Anonymity is guaranteed.

Although we tease these future college students, it is truly out of love.  Just think us as your Holden Caulfields wishing we were still filling out Facebook roommate surveys. Upperclassmen, just admit it, we all did it. I have to admit that I jumped around uncontrollably out of excitement on many occasions before my first semester. Prospies and Freshies: embrace it, you’ll never have a free pass to do such ridiculous things ever again in the future.

Gratitude, Brought to You by IvyGate

Thanksgiving! Who doesn’t love Thanksgiving? Granted, most of us only love it because of the bigass thirty-pound turkey and the family-size pumpkin pie, and the whole “giving thanks” part is just something our weird relatives make us do before we chow ourselves into a collective tryptophan coma. Yeah, yeah, thanks, whatever, let’s eat.

IvyGate, obviously, is above such frivolity. Pie? Bah. On behalf of dear old IG, your dear editors thought they’d let you know a few things they’re thankful for this year.

Peter

  • The continued and emblematic egomania of the Ivy League – otherwise I’d be out of a job, y’know?
  • My gloriously and unremittingly facetious co-editors Eve and Constance, who could snark the living hell out of a pineapple if they so chose.
  • A traffic-free ride on the Long Island Expressway this evening … Ha. Ha Ha.
  • The turkey and Doritos I will continue to down until I can’t breathe. (How many Four Lokos does it take to counteract all that tryptophan, I wonder?)

Constance

  • Being able to fly home and see my family in the 14th most dangerous city in America.
  • Going back and re-watching every Thanksgiving-related Friends and West Wing episode.
  • No one groped me going through airport security.
  • No one will ever mention Columbia’s “Social Experiment” ever again.
  • The Tea Party for completely misunderstanding the concept/term of socialism, and thus making me chuckle.
  • While I’m glad to live in a capitalist society today, I’m pretty sure the pilgrims did not almost destroy America with their socialism.
  • HuffPost and Gawker for spreading the IvyGate message and validating our existence.
  • Musical admissions videos of any kind.

Eve

  • Four Loko may be working its way toward Class A contraband status, but it’s still perfectly legal to gorge oneself on cake soaked in rum during the holidays.
  • Spam emails sent to our university accounts requesting our passwords, student IDs, social security numbers, favorite flavors of jam, and the five things we would bring with us to a desert island. Here’s a particularly tender one I found in my inbox the other day:

Dear Sir/Mar

We the Yale.Edu has place in noticed that scammed have been sending you different type message In other for you to send them your user name and password that there problem you facing in your account.

Kindly forward to us your real Net id and password in other to enable us change your account setting as we ave done to the log in page.

Your response we await

Yale

  • Oh, and while we’re on the subject, IG is really grateful for the penis enhancement emails that keep popping up on the  tipline. How did they know???
  • Facebook users who change their names to something that in no way resembles what’s on their birth certificates. Because you think you know who your friends are, and then you discover that your sister’s middle name is actually “GuitarHeroBitchessss.”
  • You marvelous commenters. We love that you’ll go to the trouble of registering on IvyGate for the sole purpose of writing, “This site suuuuucks.” Keep it up, guys!

Happy Thanksgiving! Until next week, homies.

This was certainly true for Dershowitz and von Bulow, at least in the beginning. Dershowitz initially believed that von Bulow was guilty, and the cryptic gentleman with manicured nails and prim Wagnerian tastes didn’t exactly scream “not guilty.” So Dershowitz didn’t

Princeton Declares War on Hummus, Campus Is like WTF

Leave it to the Ivy League to turn a chickpea spread into a point of political outrage. Princeton’s Undergraduate Student Government has decided that Sabra Hummus–you know, the stuff that can single-handedly turn your dorm-room grubfest into a classy cocktail party–should no longer be sold in university stores. Why? Because Sabra is apparently sending free hummus to Israeli military outfits that have been accused of human rights violations.

Let us quickly interject to say: oh, come on. It’s HUMMUS, people. You’re living on a college campus surrounded by NGO pamphlets and FreeRice.com, and this is the most egregious ethical evil you could find? If you’re really that bored, go picket American Apparel or something. Leave the late-night snacks alone.

At any rate, the Princeton Student Government should really know better than to mess with (a) students with strong opinions about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and (b) vegans. If you stand still for long enough, both types will start eying you hungrily. Either that, or they’ll start a Facebook group to take you down, which is exactly what the creators of the “Save the Hummus!–Vote Against the Sabra Hummus Boycott” group have done. As of this morning, the group had over 1600 members.

IvyGate contacted the group founders for comment, and they put us off until tomorrow (expect an update then). But behold a slice of their Facebook page, which includes a long list of reasons why a Sabra boycott is totally effing stupid:

…we think it absurd to suggest that supporting a company that sends care packages to Israeli soldiers is indirect support for war crimes.

5. Context is critical here. This boycott unfairly targets Israel. We’re not seeing an attempt, for example, to boycott products which somehow support the Saudi government despite its truly widespread human rights abuses. And even were the student body to deem boycotts targeted at Israeli goods to be acceptable, where would this stop? Would we boycott Microsoft, Intel, Victoria’s Secret, and other mainstream companies based heavily in Israel? Surely the student body is not willing to take this misguided effort to its logical conclusion.

Ha, like Princeton could ever boycott Victoria’s Secret. Infallible logic right there.

Frankly, both of these groups could probably benefit from a few horse tranquilizers. But since the fat’s in the fire at this point, we’re more interested to see whether people start flinging carrots and pita at each other. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Update: We’ve added the link to the anti-hummus Facebook page, for all you folks who like to play fair. With any luck, there will soon be an anti-anti-hummus and a pro-anti-hummus page as well (nothing makes a shitshow like a few good Facebook factions).