It’s about that time of the year when your pants are fitting a little tighter and couples, making you snarl: Valentine’s pre-week, and if you’re lucky, Sex Week as well. Slushy snowy nonsense keeps you indoors, and your achy breaky heart’s asking you to look for love in all the wrong places. What options have you got? Facebook? Umm…Grandma’s on that, now. Craigslist? Not, unless you want to be brutally axe-murdered. How about their twisted, nymphomaniac grandchild: a new site, just for lonely collegiates like yourself?

Well, why not? Guess it’s about time for a techno-regime change; young, bored college students need to redefine what’s already been defined. Myspace failed where Facebook triumphed. And now, e-Harmony’s been bested by this new, perky young thing, fresh to the Interwebs. Her name’s GoodCrush, and she’s on the prowl, eating away the last three minutes you have after Facebook-ing, Twitter-ing, Digging, Myspace-ing, Masturba… – taking long showers etc.

If your inbox hasn’t already been thoroughly molested by GoodCrush’s prying hands, then sorry… guess you’re not attractive. (Or just not the Yale student body president.) Either way, the love notices are as sex-starved as…well, as all the Ivies themselves. Take these Shakespeareans, for example:

Your beauty is so radiant it’s like you have eight legs. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

You were wearing an argyle sweater. You’re descended from Xerxes.

You’re short and Asian and always so well-dressed…I love that you use a pink ruler to draw your graphs when taking notes….any chance you’d want to hold my ruler and lie tangent to my production possibilities frontier?

Hot. If people weren’t so busy being awkward stalkers, who knows how many children would be running around on campuses? The smell of love’s in the air, and GoodCrush is cooking up a feral pheromone stew. Or maybe that’s just the smell of lube, SAE. Either Cupid’s shooting blanks or college kids have finally realized that mystery is sexy (do me, Sherlock).

So how does it work? Crush on anyone (literally) by typing their e-mail into a precarious “crush list.” They’ll get your anonymous note and – ta-da! More confusion. They sign-up and are forced to find you by “matching” your crush. Sound like a romantic disaster? Yup: In every way possible. But it’ll get you laid, right? This Valentine’s, don’t sit alone in your room with Mr. Vibes, a Fleshlight, or your best friend: Jergens. Get out there. GoodCrush…and then smash!

Or, maybe just get trashed. Love is overrated.

Sonia Dara, H’12, graces the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this year — posing in a glamorous paisley bikini and, if you’re looking at her jewelry, nice jewelry I guess.

“I converted to an economics degree [...] that would allow me, if I wanted to, to integrate modeling [the fashion kind, not the observing-graphs kind] into it,” the academically inclined Dara says in the video available at SI’s site, in which she dances with a sari and poses with “local women” in traditional garb. Too bad Dara didn’t go to Columbia and thus hasn’t heard of Edward Said! He would have THINGS to SAY.

Facebook espionage after the jump!

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When it rains, it pours. Dartmouth better brace itself for a real, non-lame student uprising. In the few hours since the sting operation announcement, Dartmouth chat board boredatbaker.com has exploded with anti-police vitriol and mobilization schemes. Check it out: the posts are flooding in as we write. Some highlights:

like if this shit is enforced, it’s over. dartmouth social life as we know it is over.

a frat brother needs to apply to be a sting agent to infiltrate the operation, learn the rules, and see how its done

FUCK THE PO-LICE. I forsee a student uprising so big it’ll make the 7 years war look like a bar fight. And I bet Chief Nick Giaccone can barely hide his boner when talking about the proposed ’sting operation.’ Seriously dude youre up against a bunch of drunk teenagers not the mafia.

I GOT PEANUT BUTTER ON MY DICK!!!!!!!!!

Mature dialogue indeed. Then again, lots of posters are reminding us that the traditional Dartmouth shitshow Winter Carnival is coming up. Great timing, popo.

In the meantime, the Facebook group “Students Against Hanover Police Alcohol Policy” has shot up to 655 980 1792 members (42% of the undergraduate population), and is gaining by the second. The group puts two-and-two together:

This would, in effect, close down the frats into strictly members only events, and there would cease to be open parties or even open front doors on any night of the week.

Finally, Dartmouthians internet-over are resorting to the ultimate trump card: Police Chief Nicholas Giaccone’s contact info, lovingly reproduced below.

PoliceChief@hanovernh.org, Nicholas Giaccone, Barnard Road, Grantham NH, 603 863 8375

Do with that what you will, Dartmouth, and keep checking back here for continued coverage. Thanks for the tips. We’re with you in spirit; though, for now, not “spirits.” We don’t want to end up in jail.

• Harvard: Harvard scientists reveal that people who wear shoes while running might feel different than “a man who was wearing only duct tape around his socks.”
• Dartmouth: Columnist provides “Sweat-iquette” for the gym, doesn’t mention duct tape but does insist that you “don’t strut in front of the mirrors, rotating slowly like a rotisserie turkey to savor every angle of your streamlined physique.”
• Cornell: Students pass on the Grammys, “I mean, you could make an album of farts and get nominated today.”
• Yale: Mayor toots over Yale.
• Penn: Public Safety officials steal opportunities from thieves.
• Princeton: Students at Princeton above caring when their shit gets stolen, no need for Public Safety.
• Columbia: Students discover new-fangled technolotricks of Facebook, “people expect a level of publicity or cyber ‘pda.’”
• Brown: Headline reads, “Prof’s book tells the story of a cat’s eerie sixth sense.” Prof in talks to turn this masterpiece into an Andrew Lloyd Weber musical.

Yale–already suffering from budget cuts, application-malaise, and high-schooler homophobia–may finally be throwing in the towel: that is, canceling its subscription to left-wing-propaganda-rag its favorite newspaper, the New York Times.

For several years now, newsy Elis could begin their day munching on Lucky Charms and catching up on Dowd-ravings, provided pro-bono in dining halls by the Yale administration. However, the Yale College Council recently poked its nose into the issue, and decided that, since they themselves–too busy faux-politicking and planning their reelection campaigns–don’t have time for the Times, neither does the rest of Yale. They recommended either cutting the number of subscriptions, giving students free access to the online version, or–heaven forfend!–scrapping it altogether. Some wise Yalie words:

“It’d be a sign,” Julian Reid ’13 said. “They [would be] restricting our access to knowledge.”

Yup. Uppity, over-caffeinated Yalies responded exactly as expected. Charlie Jaeger ‘12–self-proclaimed internet kingpin, Yale FML infiltrator, ‘Saybrook Blog’ and ‘Overheard in Saybrook’ founder, and, as of a day ago, Facebook Fan of the New York Times–quickly started a Facebook group in protest: “Keep the New York Times in Yale’s Dining Halls.” As of writing, it has a whopping 812 members. (For some perspective, the Facebook group “YALE HAITI RELIEF” has 13 members.)

Meanwhile, Charlie’s new Facebook friend Ben Stango ‘11, head of the Yale College Democrats, started an online petition, which currently has 206 signatures. It roasts the YCC quite enjoyably:

President Levin is considering eliminating the copies of the New York Times placed outside of our dining halls. The Yale College Council, the body charged with representing our interests, voted last week to support only buying the New York Times on Sunday without surveying the student body’s desires. Yale aims to produce an informed and well educated student body–these actions threaten that goal.

Boom goes the dynamite. We’re really hoping that the NY Times controversy results in an epic YCC-coup (Imperator Stango, we’re looking at you). Maybe wishful thinking, expecially considering that, well, most Yalies really don’t care. Thanks Yale Daily News for actually polling people before heading angrily to teh internetz:

Here’s an idea: What if we pay for all the upset kiddies’ NYTs by hiking their tuition? I mean, I’m a Wall Street Journal fan, so no biggie. President Levin, I know you’re busy dealing with the ire of the student body, but what do you think?:

“Levin, who is in Switzerland this week, was not available for comment.”

At a time of crisis, where’s a Prez when you need him??? We hope, at least, that he’s enjoying his fondue and milk-maidens while his university battles it out over a newspaper that won’t exist in 10 years anyway.

The following screen grab arrived in the IvyGate tips box recently, with this commentary: “Yalies discuss the participants of the Naked Run that occurs at the end of Reading Week in Bass Library.  All men.  On Facebook.  Publicly.”

Neato discussion, guys. Our turn!

I’m of two minds here. On the one hand, the application of multivariate statistics to observed penis sizes at the Ivy League schools seems a worthy scholarly endeavor, and would probably break all IvyGate comment records. (Laura likes this!) On the other hand, while I can’t be certain, this Facebook thread reads like a peanut gallery commenting on the action, as opposed to chatter by people who had actually participated in the naked run themselves. And that is something I cannot condone.

Either you’re in or you’re out, guys! Either strip down and join in the craziness — the cathartic release at finals time, the thrill that comes from wondering if the goofy kid jiggling next to you will be a goddamn United States senator some day — or stay out of it! Consider yourselves on notice. I blurred out your names (don’t dime these guys out in the comments, please, readers) but Yale probably knows who you are. And next run, we’ll be watching.

Do you ever feel like the admissions committee just got it wrong? That you really are more of a Princetonian than an East Tennessee State Universitian? A new Facebook application called “Which Ivy League School Are You?” can clear everything in just 10 multiple choice questions.

This specific quiz application, now over 51,000 users strong, exists alongside those soothsaying exercises like “Which Disney princess are u?” and “ARE YOU GOOD IN BED?” but we’re sure this is the real deal. Written by a graduate of both Harvard and Columbia (and NYU), the questions might as well ask what your favorite brand of socks is or which Golden Girls character have you thought about during sex.

But really. What are the criteria? One wall poster from India also wants to know “How reliable is it?” So being the mad scientists we are, we devised a rigorous experiment, put on lab coats, and got out our electric orb that makes your hair stand up.

After tooling around with this for about 5 minutes, we think we’ve got it solved. Answer “Money” to question 8, “Clubbing” to question 5, and “I’m flawless” to number 10. You’ll be a Harvardian every time.

Check out a few screen shots after the jump. And to answer those hanging questions: Thorlo and Blanche.

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Ssshhhh, the Winklevoss twins don’t want you to know this: The uber-bros recently received $65 million from Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in a confidential settlement ending the lawsuit over who really, really started Facebook. But the Brothers Winklevoss aren’t satisfied; they want the verdict overturned. Why, you ask? Probably because they were paid largely in Zuckerberg Bucks (a.k.a. Facebook stock). According to Valleywag:

ConnectU’s settlement was issued in common shares. And an appraisal Facebook conducted to value the shares it issued to employees valued the company at $3.7 billion, or $8.88 a share — making the stock part of ConnectU’s payment only worth $11 million, and the total $31 million.

Only $31 million? Oh, but it gets worse. From Valleywag:

An informal market for Facebook stock exists, though it’s not publicly traded. Vulture investors are offering to buy shares for as little as $2.50 apiece. At that price, the company as a whole is worth $1.3 billion. That’s less than Yahoo reportedly bid for the company in 2006.

With share price falling, what’s a young Zuckerprince to do? After the jump, predictions for Facebook’s grim future. Read the rest of this entry »

Everyone has those moments where your mom gets a screen name or your high school frenemy pokes you and you think, Man, technology is the worst. Along those lines, did you know that the terrorists use social networking sites too? True story! It appears that Al Qaeda has been distributing training manuals with instructions for would-be terrorists on how to use digital platforms to accomplish their, erm, goals.

Columbia will use any excuse to throw a capital-S Summit, so in a few weeks the Law School will host Facebook, Google, YouTube, MTV, Howcast, Access 360 Media and the U.S. State Department to discuss the “best ways to use digital media to promote freedom and justice, counter violence, extremism, and oppression”:

These young leaders will form a new group, the Alliance of Youth Movements, which will produce a field manual for youth empowerment. The field manual will stand in stark contrast to the Al Qaeda manual on the basics of terrorism, found by Coalition Forces in Iraq… [It] will form the cornerstone of a much larger online “hub,” where emerging youth organizations can access and share “how-to” guides and tips on using social-networking and other technologies to further their causes.

The Howcast press release doesn’t provide details on what exactly in the terrorism manual requires an in-kind response, but the forum was specifically inspired by an anti-FARC Facebook group that helped organize millions of Colombians to demonstrate against the guerrilla organization. Whoopi Goldberg, Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz and MSNBC’s Luke Russert are scheduled to speak. Read the rest of this entry »

The notoriously internetly-inept Aaron Sorkin, writer behind Studio 60 and The West Wing, recently confirmed rumors that he is working on a screenplay for Producer Scott Rudin and Sony Pictures about how Facebook was invented. In case you don’t have enough friends on Facebook already, Sorkin (or his assistant, or hapless recent-college-grad intern or whoever) has set up a Facebook page and group! Go on, tell him your most embarrassing Facebook stories–they might wind up in the movie.

Or maybe they won’t–rumors abound that Sorkin’s Facebook movie is actually an adaption of a forthcoming book called Face Off by none other than Bringing Down The House author Ben Mezrich. According to 02138, sources “close to the deal” report that Sony and Rudin optioned Mezrich’s forthcoming book, which purportedly sold for a staggering seven-figures over the summer.

Guess we’ll have to wait and see what’s really going on here. But, the really pressing question is, who do you guys think should play Mark Zuckerberg in the movie?