Who cares about blockbuster Harry Potter flicks and the cover of British Vogue? All Emma Watson wants is to be a normal Brown student — so much so, in fact, that she’ll burst into epic Hollywood tears if you ask her for an autograph.
This isn’t the first time she’s alerted the media about her urgent, newsworthy quest to live like the rest of us. Someone should really tell Emma that being “normal” at a place like Brown is a bit like being the Mr. Goodbar in a bag of Hershey’s Minis. Sure, you kind of fit in, but nobody really likes you that much.
But more importantly, we feel for this lost soul, awash in misery and Burberry, so desperate to lead that magical life where you have to hold your own umbrella and wash your beer-stained pants with Woolite in a dingy dorm bathroom. So in the spirit of helping Emma Watson lead a normal life, we’d like to send out a special message to her:
Dear Emma Watson,
First of all, your pleas for a typical teenage wasteland will fall on deaf ears when you invite 100 people to your birthday party and forbid them from posting anything on Facebook. As though Facebook weren’t the second-most-important lifeblood of the normal college student (PBR is #1).
If you keep this up, the only people who will want to hang out with you are:
(A) Artsy weirdos who’d prefer to draw their subjects using Cray-Pas made out of repurposed organic coffee grounds. (Actually, you’ll probably find plenty of these at Brown);
(B) Equally camera-shy upper-crusties who look offensively good in skinny jeans but have never seen or read Harry Potter or Elle Girl, and therefore will have little to say to you;
(C) James Miller, the dean of admissions at Brown; and
(D) a cinderblock, because it doesn’t give two shits about being on Facebook either.
(On the flipside, if your dorm’s really normal, you could always use your new friend Cindy Block to prop up your three-legged cot, or hide that hole in the wall where you once saw a mouse.)
Another bit of advice: if you want to be a normal college student, stop dating Spanish rock stars and wearing your hair like Mia Farrow from Rosemary’s Baby. Looking clean and well-rested doesn’t help your case either.
Finally, it seems safe to say that normal students don’t typically pose like matronly angels on the cover of British Vogue and then gab to the interviewers about how badly they just want to be like regular folks. Whining to a world-renowned publication about how much you want to be normal only makes you abnormal.
Meanwhile, whining to a snarky blog about how annoying Ivy League people are could potentially make you awesome. (Hey Emma, maybe you should write for us!)
Seriously. We only want what’s best for you.
Your Biggest Fans,
The IvyGate Team