Having already checked "most intensely elitist document ever to grace the Ivy League" off its to-do list, Princeton now brings you "douchiest party flier this side of the Milky Way." Spotted on campus: A flier promoting a Linkin Park concert at Princeton's Cottage Club. (click to enlarge)

Now, the event alone would constitute a fearsome level of douchebaggery. (If you don't understand why, may we suggest watching this cache of Dragon Ball Z clips set to Linkin Park music, followed by this video of Princeton kids dancing.) But, did they really substitute crucifixes for the t's? And are those really lacrosse sticks bedazzling the bottom corners? On any other week we'd give them the benefit of the doubt— there must be some level of self awareness to this, right? self-loathing irony? clipartsy joke?— but between this week's hopelessly pathetic student elections and other tragic losses, we've lost all faith in the Princeton Man and his ability to do, well, anything without falling all over himself.

UPDATE: It was a prank! Hallelujah, there's hope for Princeton after all, so long as someone forcibly removed from campus all the sad kids who actually attempted to attend this concert, at the sad eating club where such a prank is actually feasible. Princeton, you continue to be a farcical embarrassment, in all the right and most delighted ways.

So you think you're pretty awesome. You are, like, the greatest thing that's ever happened to Harvard. You effected lasting change during your time there, and you want to make sure, at the tender age of 23, that your legacy will be remembered. So what do you do? Why, you create an "award" in honor of your greatness and name it after yourself!

Aaron Chadbourne, Harvard '06 and now a first-year at Harvard Law School, felt that his myriad accomplishments as an undergraduate were being overlooked. I mean, Aaron Chadbourne changed Harvard! Aaron Chadbourne is a legend! So Aaron Chadbourne decided to create the Aaron Chadbourne Student Advocacy Award to honor Harvard undergrads most similar to Aaron Chadbourne. Chadbourne sent out an email detailing his latest accomplishment - the Aaron Chadbourne Award - to the Harvard UC list:

Nominate a Student Representative for the 2008 Aaron D. Chadbourne Student Advocacy Award:

Aaron Chadbourne has established an annual award to recognize a student who has made a positive and lasting impact on Harvard, for the benefit of the student body, by forging and leveraging relationships with Harvard administrators and faculty members.This award shall be given annually to a junior or a senior at Harvard College who has served as an Undergraduate Council-appointed representative to one of Harvard's administrative or student-faculty committees or in a similar capacity on a board or committee at Harvard that works closely with faculty and administrators.

An honorary award may also be given to a faculty member or administrator who promotes student representation and participation in decision-making at the College and University and who serves as an advocate for student interests at Harvard. 

Many originally thought the Chadbourne Award was an April Fool's joke. The Crimson has a pretty good take:

Originally questioned as an April Fool's joke over the UC general e-mail list, the self-titled award was announced under a blurry panorama centered on Lowell House, where Chadbourne lived as an undergraduate, and was accompanied by a paragraph detailing Chadbourne's involvement in student government. While at Harvard, Chadbourne was a UC representative for three terms and served as chair of the Student Affairs Committee (SAC) in 2005."

After the jump: the Aaron Chadbourne Award proves D.O.A.

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John Fitzgerald Page, latest internet celebrity douchebag, has written a note for his not-so-adoring public. What does it say?

First, Page tells us in no uncertain terms that he is not like Hitler or Osama. Then things get a little weird:

I cannot fight an overwhelming army of bloggers.  My future grandkids will be able to read about this on the internet 50 years from now."

Touché! We can only dream that Page's "future" grandkids - as opposed to the tykes he has running around now - will be looking at IvyGate in half a century, marveling at our wit and wisdom. This is assuming, of course, that he actually finds someone on Match.com willing to impregnate herself with his Grade-D semen.

Then comes our favorite part, the "I'm-not-as-bad-as-Vayner" excuse:

All of the facts on this website are true.  I am not Alexsey Vayner, there are no videos on here of me hitting tennis balls at 200 mph!"

Maybe we're going soft, but we sort of feel just a little bit bad for the guy. 

(Note: the original file name for the above picture - taken directly from the "Fitness" section of Page's website - is "Howyalikemenow500.jpg." It seems he's a douche even in his more private, file-naming moments.)

After the jump: the note in full.

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Gawker and Dealbreaker are writing about the sad saga of John Fitzgerald Page, Wharton '88 and Ivy League douchebag extraordinaire. This is usually our territory, so we feel a bit jealous/remiss in bringing you sloppy seconds.

As it were, these are excellent sloppy seconds. Here is an excerpt from an email Page sent to a potential Match.com date:

So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!" 

The 36-year-old Wharton graduate currently lives in Atlanta, where, if his website is to be believed, he banks/models/personal trains/acts/beats Vayner's records for personal development etc.

Our favorite part is the Napoleon Dynamite-like "Skills" section, in which Page describes some other things he's incredible at:

Soccer (State Championship Game), Bowling & Archery (State Championship Match), Baseball, Skiing, Swimming, Weightlifting (Bench & Leg Press/Squat over 1200 lbs. combined), Golf (Hole in One), Volleyball, Football, Billiards, Softball

DIALECTS & ACCENTS: English, Southern, New Yorker, Aristocrat, British, Irish, Australian, French, Indian."

Our only consolation in getting scooped by Gawker on our own beat is knowing that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of Ivy League douchebags we have yet to reveal!