We get it: Dorm bathrooms are kinda gross, and not terrible attractive places to spend time. But is it really so hard to tinkle and flush in the appropriate receptacle? Yes, answered Dartmouth last week, in a group e-mail searching for tips on the identity of the mysterious person soiling the laundry room by night.

This week, the story of the phantom pisser moves to Cornell, where a group e-mail to residents of Founder Hall details the "big health concern" posed by those who pee in bottles and leave them in public spaces. But isn't urine supposed to be sterile or something? In which case this is not a "big health concern," so much as a massive gross-out.

Pee-plexing e-mail after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

We were willing to overlook the Prince's decision to publish an exegetical piece on copraphagic viral video phenom "2 Girls 1 Cup," but then yesterday's article on violations of "no pet" dorm policies contained this:

Emily said her kittens have also created odor-related woes, especially when they had digestive infections that caused them to defecate often....

"A little known fact about young kittens [is that] until [they are] about three to four weeks [old], they are incapable of stimulating their own waste-passing," she said. "In order for them to urinate or have a bowel movement, the mother usually licks their rear ends. When they are orphaned, a human has to rub their tushies to get them to go to the bathroom, or they will literally explode because of their own waste."

Congratulations to newly-anointed editors Jonathan Zebrowski and Yao Wang. You just ruined kittens for an entire generation of Princetonians.

At Brown eggs aren't the only thing you might find sizzling in a dorm kitchen. And at Yale sometimes the showers aren't so clean. At Dartmouth, however, they just piss in the laundry-room.

So we learn from an email sent out to, "residents of Ripley Woodward Smith," containing news of a "serious health risk." Apparently someone has urinated in a wastebacket in the laundry room. "More than once."

Proietti writes, "it is difficult to believe the person doing this is one of those living in this community." Is it? Maybe it's that quiet kid? Some kind of fraternity deal? Or could it just be drunken coincidence?

After the jump -- the email that started it all!

Read the rest of this entry »

A 750-word memo hit Pennypacker's listserv today, announcing that the scabies infestation that forced the Harvard dorm's entire student population to bathe in medicated creams, call-of-shame all sex partners, and fumigate all clothing and sheets is most definitely gone... because it probably wasn't scabies, at all! The University Health Services-authored email explains,

It's difficult to say definitively whether the original three students ultimately had scabies or not. Our best diagnosis at the time was that they did, and, given this diagnosis, it would have been risky not to treat the entire dormitory. Four days later, Dr. Michael Alpert, an entomologist from the Harvard School of Public Health came to Pennypacker and talked to three symptomatic individuals and concluded that scabies was unlikely, given the rapid clearing. He speculated that the causative bug could have been mosquitoes.

It took four days for UHS to realize this, and twelve to make the information publicly available? Because it only took us two. And they say we don't care about the Crimsons!

Harvard officials' rambling explanation after the jump. 

Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday our inbox was at capacity with rumors that Harvard's Kirkland House had caught the creepy-crawlies from scabies-infested Pennypacker. Unable to confirm the icky allegation, we resisted rumor-mongering. But then the rumor took a turn so good, it was worth publishing unconfirmed!

After the alleged incident of scabies in Kirkland, University Health Services (UHS) realized it had made a misdiagnosis. So there was neither scabies in Kirkland nor in Pennypacker. This will appear in the Crimson this morning I believe. So the whole commotion with creams, cleaning crews, local news stations and much much more was for nothing.

For the first time in our lives, we're watching the Gimpy Crimp with excited anticipation. 

As if dorm life weren't humiliating enough already, a freshman dorm at Harvard has contracted a group case of scabies, a parasitic disease involving skin-burrowing mites usually confined to livestock, 19-C covered wagons, and Oregon Trail.

Today at 2:30 residents of Pennypacker Hall congregated on the first floor of their building to receive medicated cream and instructions on the eradication of the skin-borne (read: sex-related) infections.

Treatment involves application of Permethrin cream for at least eight hours, followed by rigorous showering and the fumigation of all clothing and bed linens, courtesy of Environmental Health and Services.

In a letter to Pennypacker residents, adminstrators warn that scabies treatment is not terribly precise, or fast-acting:

Please be aware that the process of treating everyone and making sure the building is clean may take a while, so your patience will be much appreciated. Additionally, itchiness may continue for a few weeks until the mites and eggs have been removed from your skin with its natural turnover. It is vital that persons with whom you have had close personal contact be treated, even if they do not have symptoms. 

Basically, the infected frosh have creepy-crawlies spawning beneath their skin, and cannot do anything except wait for said creepy-crawlies to die off ("natural turnover" means the carcasses will just kind of float around infected students' bodies until the they disentegratre and get, like, sweated out), try not to itch, and -- oh yeah -- stop having sex.

Not that anyone will knowingly hook up with a Pennypacker ever again.

After the jump: The Pennypacker scabies letter in full, pictures of forlorn freshmen receiving treatment and feeling generally disgusted with themselves, and scans of Harvard's official hand-outs on the topic -- all courtesy of our man on the ground, P-pack resident Idriss Fofana.

Read the rest of this entry »

We always like hearing from readers, but this one takes the cake. Cake made in a dorm kitchen that Brown kids have recently had sex in.

It started when we posted an item Friday about freshman Brunonians' forniculinary use of hall common space. Within hours we heard from commenter "railedinthekitchen," laying claim that she had been the co-ed who put the "easy" in Easy Mac. That was quickly followed by "friendofrailedinthekitchen," who wrote: "i am sitting next to railedinthekitchen as i type this and I LOVE IT!!! well done. to think i was sleeping only feet away as this happened." This was the Mount Everest of IvyGate commenting as far as we were concerned -- and that was BEFORE "familypride" joined the thread, informing everyone that railedinthekitchen had "a proud sissy in upstate New York." (Somewhere, a father with one daughter at Brown and another upstate is breaking into a cold sweat.)

But friends, that was nothing compared to the email thread playing out in our inbox -- railedinthekitchen had, praise Josiah Carberry, included an actual address with her claim to infamy, and she indulged our OMG-peppered inquiries. Here is her personal account of the melon balling.

arright here's the scoop:

no it was not my boyfriend.  it was some random guy who i've been calling Ben for two weeks because i can never remember his actual name.  it was last saturday night... well technically sunday morning and yeah, obviously, it was good for me.  basically what happened is a bunch of people were chilling in my room and my roommate whom i love and adore kicked me out so we were wreaking havoc in the hallway and were scolded by our RC.  So we were switching locations and somehow me and Guy went to the kitchen to hook up because, let's face it, bathroom hookups are so last semester.  and at some point a girl who lives next to me walked in and was like OH MY GOD and ran into the hallway and announced it.  and after that the rumors spread around to the RC's who apparently decided to take action via email.  and yeah, i know you're wondering... we did keep going after the girl walked in.  and that email includes the longest run-on sentence ever.

And here we thought Emeril was the only one who went "Bam!" in the kitchen.

Ivy Leaguers: Is there anywhere they won't have sex?

Students at Brown, unimpressed by the rigid conventions of Yalies' recent fondness for romps in the hall showers, have taken the exhibitionist tack to creative new locations: the kitchens of freshman dorm Perkins. We've said it before and we'll say it again: this is what happens when you let kids design their own curricula.

Here's the stern email from a beleaguered grad student in (bless you, Brown) ethnomusicology. It doesn't explicitly mention sex, but our tipster notes that an RA would be unlikely to encourage smoking pot in "your room with the door shut, at the discretion of your roommate" -- plus, that second helpful link goes to Brown's page on healthy relationships, preventing STDs (tip: avoid sinks), etc.

Can't wait to see where exasperated academics scold students for having semipublic sex next!

From: First-year Residential Unit XX List
Sent: Thu 2/15/2007 4:05 PM
To: [redacted]
Subject: Perkins wide memo

Dear Perkinsonians,
I have been made aware that there has been some activity taking place in Perkins' kitchens that is inappropriate for public spaces. Not only does this negatively affect the comfort of our community, but it is also a hygiene and safety concern.  An appropriate place for certain activities would be your room with the door shut, at the discretion of your roommate.  Those who disrespect the community and the public spaces within it will be brought to the attention of administration.

For those with questions or concerns regarding health and safety issues, please refer to the Health Services and Health Education websites, links are below.  The Health Education site offers some good advice on a wide array of topics.

Health Services http://www.brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/index.htm
Health Education http://www.brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/

Best,

[redacted]
Graduate Student, Ethnomusicology
Community Director, Perkins 22
Brown University

UPDATE: Greatest IvyGate development ever: The girl in the kitchen writes in with her side of the story.

Being the master of an undergraduate college at Yale is normally a cushy appointment. You get to host master's teas with Philip Seymour Hoffman and other celebs/talented people; liberally fund nude pictorial calendars; and generally be the "cool professor" who has lots of personal interaction with students.

Sometimes, though, you have to be the law. A Yale tipster shares this bulletin from Prof. Jon Holloway, master of Calhoun College:

From: Jonathan Holloway
To: All Calhoun Students
Sent: Tuesday, January 30, 2007 9:10 AM
Subject: Showers Stalls are for Showering

OK, well THIS is the most awkward college-wide e-mail I've ever had to send....

The college showers are to be used by individuals for hygenic purposes only. They are not to be used by couples engaged in intimate activity--especially that kind of activity that leaves the showers in a decidedly less hygenic state.

Several times since the start of the spring term some Hounies have come across a couple having the time of their lives in a shower stall. Last night the shower flooded and the bathroom could not be used for over 90 minutes. To the as yet unidentified couple, this may be pleasureable and exciting for you but it is a violation of community standards. Please stop.

I really don't want to explore this matter any further as I respect your individual privacy. But such continued brazen public displays of affection will only invite public embarrassment. I beg of you, let's not go there.

JH

This is obvs our favorite reader tip in a long, long time. The fact that a man with a Ph.D. has to police students doing the excitement in the hall shower -- wait, scratch that, is threatening indiscreet students with public embarrassment ... we're betting this didn't come up when Yale offered Holloway the job.

Compute the eight corresponding Eigenvectors in n-space? No problem. Decontextualize Baudrillard's main thesis of radical semiurgy? Piece of cake. Create an actual piece of cake? You know, like chocolate? Ridiculously difficult.

"The only recipe I have the patience to follow is on the back of a Styrofoam cup of noodles: pour hot water, stir, enjoy. Pretty pathetic for a senior at Yale," says Adriane Quinlan, writing about a Washington, D.C. kitchen boot camp in yesterday's Post. Fellow culinary moron Ben Schneider, a junior at Penn, "is a chicken lover who has never actually stared its flesh in the face. He pokes it curiously, as if it could somehow be resuscitated, coddled back to life."

We've long said that the cure for thinking highly of the Ivy League is attending one of its schools. But this -- wait for it! -- takes the cake. [Ed.: Rimshot! We'll be here all week, folks. Tip your waitresses.]