You can label Lena Chen according to sex toy references all day long, but now she's going for something new: Donna Reed. The Ivy League's semi-retired sex blogger and current domestic goddess wannabe recently wrote about her new foray into the culinary arts in a "postcard from abroad" for the Harvard Crimson. Forgoing her typical narcissism for an apron-clad version, she writes:

I started cooking last year after I moved off-campus to live with my boyfriend, who has an actual kitchen and uses it to make exactly three varieties of salad. When I decided that it was time for us to incorporate heat into our kitchen regimen, my mother saw it as a long-awaited opportunity to instruct me in Chinese cooking.

In retribution for the New York Times calling her a "small Asian woman who ate every crumb of everything," Lena goes on to elaborate about acquiring the Chinese ingredients for her feast in a town of "exactly three Asian people." (She's evidently the go-to Geisha Girl even without the sex blog.) Turns out Germany isn't the best place to find bamboo shoots.

This all comes in  the midst of Elle's venture for self-improvement, which includes the regular shameless flaunting and calling everyone else fat.

But wait! Apparently, that orgasm isn't the only thing she's faked. Before the end, Chen admits to her guests that she found the recipe from a BBC cookbook, not dearest mommy. A-plus for effort on her final mother-daughter Lifetime-special moment:

I suppose my two-course Chinese feast turned out not to be much of a feast, or particularly Chinese, for that matter. But I think my mother would have nonetheless been proud.

Thanks for warming the cold, empty space where our hearts should be. Now bring us some steak, woman!