So there was some sort of Hollywood reach-around festival last night called The Oscars. The Ivy League was there for some awards, most of which it lost. Here’s a quick round-up of the only categories anyone really cared about:

Best Picture: The Social Network was all the rage late last year. Everyone was fascinated by the movie’s depiction of Harvard students as amoral, antisocial, type-A assholes. It was pretty accurate. Unfortunately for Team Zuckerberg, if there’s anything that trumps the Academy’s attraction to all things elite, it’s British-tinged WASP envy. So, in the end, The King’s Speech — otherwise known as Stutter Island — won the prize. We’re still probably going to find some way to blame this on the Winklevii, though.

Best Director: Harvard alumnus Darren Aronofksy — the Black Swan director with both the most pretentious film style and name in modern history — likewise lost to the British, this time TKS director Tom Hooper. Again, psychotic lesbian ballerinas take a back-seat to Oscar’s big boner for the Windsors.

Best Actor: MacArthur Genius and Yale Ph.D. candidate James Franco, the most important artist of our time, lost in the Best Actor category to an Englishman, Colin Firth. This after hosting the show — totally stoned, by the way — whilst not caring one bit about the quality of his emcee skillz. Pretty sweet gig. In the big scheme of things, we’re not sure if he’s a winner or loser.

Best Actress: Harvard alumna Natalie Portman did win though. (Because there was no Best Actress candidate from TKS, maybe?) She ran away with the coveted Best Actress prize that basically everyone knew was hers from a month back. And this time she didn’t cackle like a pregnant banshee. Which was good.

Best Original Screenplay: Remember that adorable old screenwriter purporting to have suffered a stutter in his early years? And how he walked away with the trophy for his work on The King’s Speech? Yeah, well apparently he went to Cornell. And apparently while he was there, he spent his time raging against “curfews, parietals, and strict party rules,” according to MetaEzra. Badass.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin — not an Ivy grad — won Best Adapted Screenplay for The Social Network. It was basically a consolation prize. By all accounts, Team Zuckerberg done got whooped something good. Dark day for the Ivies.