Putting Emma Watson To Bed (The Brown Story, We Mean)

emma-watsonBack in October, the world’s favorite young hot witch was seen touring the top Ivy League schools. But in April, Emma shocked the Ivy nation by opting to attend Brown over Harvard and Yale. Naturally this sparked a great reaction, mostly from IvyGate commenters who could not believe that someone actually chose Brown instead of settling for it–much less someone as internationally famous as Emma Watson. The three questions being tossed around were:

     1. She’s not actually going to Brown, right?

     2. Harvard and/or Yale must have rejected her, correct?

     3. Holy fuck, why is she going to Brown?

Three months later, these questions can be finally put to rest. With Half-Blood Prince coming out this month, the Harry Potter kids are on the interview circuit. Daniel Radcliffe took a break from being nude to say this to The Guardian about his co-star:

[Emma Watson's] very clever. Do you know her GCSE results?” His eyes boggle: “I was thrilled with mine – seven Bs, two As and an A*. I think Emma got three As and seven A*s – she’s incredibly academic, it’s frightening. Me and Rupert [Grint] to all intents and purposes dropped out of school. And she’s going to Brown.”

Not much reading between the lines needed there. Although Watson may have used the Imperius Curse on Radcliffe to keep him from revealing that she’s going to Tufts. Read the rest of this entry »

Emma Watson Going to Yale, Incompetent Scottish Mag Says

emma_watson1The List, a Scottish arts and entertainment magazine, has reported that Emma Watson is a “University nerd” headed for Yale come September rather than Brown, as originally reported. Confused? Watson probably is too.

Maybe the bleary-eyed author accidentally clicked on a faux-Twitter posting where a pseudo-Watson said she had accepted Yale’s offer. I mean, New Haven? Really? Who would fall for that?

People Magazine has failed to confirm the story. A recent piece on Hermione’s recent grown-up Interview led with “It’s no secret Emma Watson – a.k.a. Hermione Granger in Harry Potter’s world – wants a degree from an American college, preferably an Ivy League school like Brown.” (Emphasis added.) Smooth, very smooth, People.

Our inside sources say that barring a drastic change of plans, the prize prefrosh is “assumed” to be coming, fulfilling every Brunonian dream of finally meeting their bookish childhood idol.

As of April 14th, Watson, who recently turned 19, blogged that she still hadn’t decided where to go. But it looks like she will be pursuing higher education in the fall, unlike her co-star Daniel Radcliffe (he who famously overexposed himself, with a horse) who set eating clubbers’ panties aflame with rumors that he would be attending Princeton. Only that never happened.

We have one last question: did she get rejected from Harvard? Because she definitely visited.

No “Sex” for a Year. Gay Romance Novel Must Suffice.

Sure, Harvard students may not have much actual sex.  But they certainly like to think about it!  From sex bloggers to sex magazines to actually buying sex services, the good old ivy is crawling with horny yet mostly virginal overachievers.

The latest addition to this slew of slutty scholars is a certain Lesley R. Winters, whoever she is.  You see, Lesley R. Winters is merely the name behind last semester’s awkwardly titillating literary phenomenon on campus.  The actual writers of The Stableboy have chosen to remain anonymous.  (tips!)

The Stableboy is a steamy farce of a Victorian and oft-times-homosexual romance novel.  Part One was published in five installments in The Arts section, and is to be continued after the summer.  The basic plot is something along these lines: there is an unhappily married couple, the woman is dissatisfied; the man is a sleazy lush.  The new stableboy on their property is a hot young thing that manages to catch the lady’s eye…and then her husband’s.  Budding romance – and budding homosexuality – ensue in a prose that’s so self-consciously imaginative, sensual and innuendoed that reading it (or listening to it being read to you by The Crimson’s new audio option/robot voice) is pure, indulgent fun.

Here’s what I mean, from the fifth installation:

The yellow firmament above the vast courtyard was assuming an ominous gray. The play of moisture and heat in the air made the supple boughs wag. The tumultuous wind tore violently at her hair and thrust its cold cruel fingers through the laces of her bodice.

Then came the rains, first in scattered drops that teased her skin with their heated lightness, then in a warm torrent that laved her arms and head and parted the shirt from her bosom and thrust its tongue into her bare-stript heart. She struggled, gasping, in the direction of the stables.

When she came into the stable, she was thoroughly wet. She was unraveled.The mares and steeds were pawing restlessly at the ground in their stalls. “Stable Boy!” she called. There was no answer.

An instant later The Stable Boy strode through the door. He was soaked from the rain, and as he entered he pulled off his shirt in one fluid motion and tossed it to the ground. In the gray light of the stable, drops of rainwater could be seen sliding between the Olympian muscles of his shoulders and back.

“Why don’t you take off that dress?” he suggested coolly, his biceps bulging as he raked his fingers through his darkened curls.

With the recent news that our favorite sex blogger will be taking the next year off, let’s be glad that more Harvard students have decided to hop onto the media bandwagon of impossibly lewd prose.

After the jump, a link to The Crimson’s audio version of The Stableboy for your listening pleasure, and more pictures of Harry Potter’s Daniel Radcliffe trying to be a sexy stableboy and failing/succeeding miserably. Just cause the pictures are too good not to post.

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