"Beauty and the Geek," the CW's most reliable source for social schadenfreude and the only place on television where you can ogle fake titties and test your knowledge of Star Wars allusions, features two Ivy dweeblets this season: Penn '06 Will Frank and Princeton astrophysics grad student Joshua Green.

Though Will's comp sci geek-cred is nothing to sneer at, neither he nor any of the other geeks hold a candle to the unadultered nerditude of Joshua, a stoop-shouldered fan of type 2 quasars whose physical presence is that of a pale, curled fetus.

"He's not even real," muses beauty queen Shalandra during a talent segment in which Joshua's talent consisted of calling his mother and getting her to talk her baby up on speaker phone. While I have suspicions about some of the contestants' genuineness (example: Josh's bio features a reasonably shapely bicep, clear evidence that his loserhood is contrived, or--even worse--ironic), Joshua appears to be the real deal. Then again, it's hard to get an accurate read through the shade of his transitions lenses. With a penchant for squinting romantically into middle distances and folding his knobby limbs into pretzel-like contortions, Joshua alternates between baffling obliviousness and aww-worthy moments of dopey clarity, like when he speculates that the beauties' attention is "because they think I'm pathetic and need help... And I do."

Our covert GS operatives say Joshua, a fan of "jumping around to random beats," is available for public viewing most Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday nights at Princeton's D-Bar. That's "Debasement Bar" to the uninitiated. And yes, it is literally in de basement of de graduate college here.

Novices to celebrity, Will and Joshua's Facebook profiles contained their phone numbers and home addresses at press time. Ladies, get your speed dials ready! Joshua's profile contains links to his personal website, LiveJournal (where we learn that Mr. Green recently traded his calculator watch for a radio-calibrated Casio), and MySpace, which includes the following riddle:

I can think of four distinct letters with the property that, of their 24 permutations, six are normal English words.  Can you do the same?

GEEK!  NERD!  LOVE! I'm officially on Team Joshua.

This is the first entry of my Beauty & the Geek series, which will last as long as Will and Joshua stay on the show.