Penn is a some kinda hotbed for crime. Did you know that?! Yes, we're sure your moms told you if you ever considered applying to Penn. What these caring mothers do not know, however, is that Penn employs an elite squad of ex-Navy SEALS random hobos through the private security firm Allied. These guards protect Penn from the evils of drunk boys, and my, do they reign with iron fists! And all these poor souls ask for in return? Oh, a pat on the back, a reminiscing of times past, a 2-out-of-3 Rock, Paper, Scissors session. Not much. Maybe some pussy:

Hey all,

About an hour ago my roommate had a little incident that I thought you should all be aware of, since Public Safety sucks.

[She] was on her way home from rehearsal and an Allied guard on 38th and Chestnut offered to walk her home.  She figured she might has well have someone walk her since there have been a lot of robberies and such and our neighborhood lately.  When she got to the door of our house she thanked him for walking her and went to get her keys.  He said, "Miss..." and she turned around and he was holding his penis out at her.

Indeed, such was the tale of a Penn undergraduate female. Such a tease! Fortunately, when she filed the complaint, justice was served, served more, and then served yet again: The security office told her "some of their uniforms are 'missing,' so it might not actually be a security guard. Lovely." Yeah, the girl should've recognized that he wasn't legit given his neon blue pajamas with sparkles spelling "iz not security, iz hornee."

Silly Penn isn't just pretending this never happened, and Penn's Vice President for Public Safety, Maureen Rush, has sent out a public safety alert to the entire Penn community. Check it out after the jump, and remember: It's about penises. 

Correction: The VP for Public Safety's memo to the Penn community after the jump is in response to something far more grave, which we absolutely don't think is funny.

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Today the D is publishing the fourth and final installment of Alex Howe's (D '08) insane story of actually being punished for commiting real crimes. Last time we saw Alex, the other inmates were joking that they were going to rape him. Or were they just joking about joking?

In case you missed them, here are the first, second, and third installments. 

Uh-oh, prison-gossip!

One fellow seemed at least a little retarded; the law has no shelter for the kind-of handicapped. He arrived a few days after I did, accompanied by an instant rumor: that he had joined our ranks for making love to a dog. Supposedly he had an accomplice, who was also with us, who had held the unhappy animal in place. The thing was, both of these luminaries claimed to have been the spotter, an apparent defense of character which struck me as equivalent to explaining that the canine tryst was not consummated, but "we did everything else." In jail, as in life, at least you aren't the guy who screwed a dog.

True that. 

After the jump -- more prison-wisdom.

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Great news -- today The D is carrying the third installment from Alex Howe's (D '08) epic tale of irresponsible behavior and dangerous intoxication. Last week he blacked out, burglarized a grocery store, and was charged with a felony. This week he goes to jail. Here are some quotes:

Not going into a coma became even more difficult when I heard a chorus of shouts from the inmates all around me.

"Hey, it's the new guy! We're gonna gang-rape him!"

"It's a new guy! I'm gonna f*ck him in the asshole!"

"Hey! A new guy! I'm gonna make him give me a blowjob!"

 

Listening to the conversations around me, I often felt like I was in Rap World: denunciations of "snitches" and "rats" were commonplace.

After the jump -- the third installment (1 2) in the series. And there's more to come!

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The D is like the little Ivy Daily that could. First, there was their peerless police blotter, then the whole cunnilingus affair, and now comes this thrilling narrative of crime and redemption sans redemption.

Technically, we already linked to Alex Howe's (D '08) article in Ragtime last week, but it was so good we decided it deserved a post of its own. Here's a representative excerpt from what I am calling a tour de force of drunken travelogue:

"On my way out, I saw two things I liked and took them with me: two bottles of $9.95 red wine and the Sunday New York Times. After I found the back door and fumblingly unlocked it, I stumbled into the New Hampshire night with wine in each hand and the Times in my armpit, bleeding onto my nicest clothes."

Bravissimo! We eagerly look forward to the next installment. 

After the jump -- the article in full.

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All is not calm under the Princeton Snowglobe. It seems the unruly skateboard punks in Palmer Square, pissed at the world because their dad works at a hedge fund, have some competition in the petty nuisance department.

The Prince is reporting on the arrest of three gang members believed to be responsible for the recent epidemic of -- gasp! -- laptop thefts. And by epidemic I mean exactly six laptops have been stolen from unlocked rooms over a period of a month. Three of which were pranks. Down these mean streets.

According to the Prince, the three are believed to belong to the gang Mara Salvatrucha. Here's some background info on that gang, courtesy of the Prince:

Newsweek called MS-13 the "most dangerous gang in America," and the FBI described the gang as an "extremely violent, fast-spreading street gang that has tentacles in more than 40 U.S. states and 10 different nations across two continents."

I'm going to jump to the conclusion that Princeton is home to the lamest MS-13 tentacle across 40 U.S. states, 10 different nations, and two continents. Way to break into the unlocked dorm room racket, guys. There's a candy store on Nassau Street, are you going to rob that too?

After the jump -- the full article.

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Does anyone remember Alexander Atkind, the Cornell student ('06) who last March kicked the shit out of his roommate's dog and then poured bleach on the poor thing? Well, he's finally doing time. On Tuesday, Atkind pleaded guilty to animal cruelty and was sentenced  to 6 months in the Big House.

I know what you're thinking: beating the crap out of a dog named Princess is mad fucked up, but to throw an Ivy League student in jail?  Couldn't they just give him like a zillion years of probation and have his parents pay a fine like they usually do?  You're almost thinking, poor kid.

And then you're like, no.

After the jump: why they should throw away the key.

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Someone's got it out for the Cornell chapter of Delta Kappa Epsilon, which goes by "Deke" to avoid confusion with a popular homophobic term. Their "Gray Stone Castle" at 13 South Avenue was first targeted July 30, according to the Cornell University Police crime log:

Criminal Mischief: Officer dispatched to take a report regarding an unknown individual(s) throwing a rock through a ground floor window. Value: $400.00"

Those Cornell P.D. flatfoots know a serial case when they see one. Those ground floor Dekes were about as safe as me and Nusca on the comment boards. It was only a matter of time before the perp would follow up. The hit came August 6, and this time with heavy artillery:

Criminal Mischief: Officer dispatched to take a report regarding an unknown individual(s) throwing a package of frozen chicken through a ground floor window. Value: $400.00

When I was in college it would take several days of starvation and malnourishment to get me inside the grocery store, so this would be awesome. The unknown individual will surely strike again, but now his Deke targets will be well fed. Fair trade.

Any of you other Ithacans know what this shit is about? Ivygate.guest@gmail.com wants to know. Thanks to our tipper for doing all of the work for this post.

--JIM NEWELL

The University of Pennsylvania appears helpless to stop a surge in assaults and robberies by several bands of tweens on campus in the last month. WPVI ABC local news tells us "the hunt is on" for a group of children as young as 9 years of age "terrorizing residents, on and around the University of Pennsylvania campus." The kids are "targeting Penn students and staff" and that there have been as many as ten incidents around the campus in the last few weeks.

They strike in groups of three to eight, according to a Penn security alert, and some may be up to 13 years old (gasp!). Luckily, the Philadelphia Daily News reports that patrols have been stepped up, including covert operations, while security cameras and footage are being monitored. Can someone explain what these "covert ops" might be? Are they sending grade schoolers to infiltrate these vicious gangs? Undercover officers dressed as students intended to lure them out of hiding?

Two boys have been arrested so far, but the remaining groups are still at large. Good to know the sharp team of police and University security officers can handle themselves against some tough West Philadelphia criminals.

In a related tots-on-trikes robbery story, two nights ago a pair of 14-16 year olds on bicycles robbed a Yale graduate student at gunpoint. On the bizarre summer crime meter, I give one point to Yale for David Smith's weapon stash and one to Penn for the munchkin gangs. With a good heat wave, Penn could easily pull ahead, but where are the other ivies?

If you have more information about these dangerous criminals, or any tips in general, send them in to ivygate.guest@gmail.com

 --SAM JACKSON

Originally, this post was supposed to be a round-up of ALL the Ivy police blotters, but that goal had to be abandoned for several reasons. Some schools -- for instance, those located in real cities -- have serious amounts of serious crime. Others choose not to publish their campus police blotters online, or at least in a way not easily browsable by lazy guest-editors trolling for scandal (thanks for nothing, Brown). However, the principal reason is this: Dartmouth's police blotter puts all the other blotters to shame as the second-rate chronicles of petty theft and mild inebriation they are.

Hanover Police responded to a 9-1-1 emergency call when a 14-year-old female Hanover resident awoke to find a 21-year-old Dartmouth student beside her in bed. The student entered the unlocked private family residence and proceeded to the second floor where he entered the girl's room. The subject allegedly removed his pants and climbed into bed with her. The intruder fled the scene after realizing the family had contacted the police. Alcohol was a factor in the event, according to Hanover Police.

Combine the following: an insular college-town atmosphere, a predominantly Greek social-scene, a culture of binge-drinking without real consequences, and an overzealous if basically good-humoured police force. Throw in a few local crazies and teenage delinquents from Hanover High, and what you have is essentially a perfect storm of alcohol-driven anecdote.

Hanover Police responded to a call from Chi Gamma Epsilon fraternity where an arm-wrestling bout ended in a traumatic injury. An individual suffered a broken arm and was transported away by ambulance.

Somewhere in the Hanover Police Department there is an unrecognized genius with a knack for vignette and an eye for details.

Hanover Police Chief Nicholas Giaccone observed a male leave Stinson's Village Store with four cases of Keystone Light beer and turn them over to a 20-year-old female Dartmouth student. The male then proceeded to load her car with three five-liter bladders of Franzia Chardonnay, three five-liter bladders of Franzia Merlot, eight bottles of Mirassou Merlot, eight bottles of Turning Leaf Pinot Grigio and one case of Brut Andre Champagne, valued together at $365. After the student drove out of the parking lot, police arrested her for the illegal transporting of alcoholic beverages.

Every once in a while the helpful staff at the D publishes a compilation from the police blotter. This is a compilation from those compilations. Enjoy.

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Long before Lord Elgin, people -- particularly male people -- have been stealing statues for the sake of stealing statues. There's something deeply satisfying about it, some kind of primitive martial attraction which goes against the grain of our sedate modern culture.

So it is not without a spirit of history and destiny that the Cornell Daily Sun reports the theft of a "six foot long, three foot high plaster of paris replica of an original statue of Sleeping Ariadne" along with its subsequent discovery in an off-campus fraternity house. Fraternities, of course, are the modern keepers of the statue-stealing flame.

According to the Sun, the statue weighs 350-pounds (too zaftig for Theseus to handle?) and is worth between $5,000 and $20,000.

A tipster has informed us that the statue was discovered in the Theta Delt house. If you know something about this, please speak up.

--HAL PARKER