Being a female at Penn has never been harder. On top of your average undergrad milieu of date rape and roofies, the ladies of Phila also have to worry about wife-killing professors, penis-wagging cops, and now, panty-sniffing stalkers.

Penn ‘08 Diexia Wang is out on a $200,000 bail for stalking half a dozen undergrad ladies and running off with their underpants and “high-end purses,” the latter of which is slightly baffling since we assume lady-stalking means he is straight? Maybe Mr. Wang needed the designer accoutrements for toting around his growing coterie of stolen a-cooter-ments.

De Wang’s Panty Party came to its dramatic end when Mr. Wang snuck into the room of a female resident of Harold C. Meyer Hall using a stolen dorm key (which is legitimately creepy, so I’ll refrain from using a pun for a second). The victim’s roommate probably received the shock of her life upon witnessing a strange male enter the room with a key (and maybe a Louis Vuitton purse in the crook of his arm), and called the cops. Wang was charged with burglary, criminal trespassing, harassment, stalking, and theft.

News coverage of Wang-gate is worth watching, if only to witness the effect of anchorman gravitas on the word “panties.” As for commentary, we think the blonde who giggled and rolled her eyes at the camera said it best:

Ohmigod. That is SO. WEIRD. …I’m glad I live NOT on campus. [emphasis hers; capitalized rendering ours]

Excuse me, I have to go padlock my top dresser drawer, now.

Rafael Robb, Penn professor of Economics, pleaded guilty yesterday to beating his wife, Ellen Gregory Robb, to death with a metal chin-up bar last year. Robb’s plea agreement is for voluntary manslaughter, down from the first-degree murder charge for which he stood trial. Though voluntary manslaughter usually carries a prison sentence of 4.5 to 7 years, DA Bruce Castor says he will seek 10 to 20 for Robb.

Fox News correspondent Rick Leventhal, who met Robb in January, describes the professor’s crime and confession:

Ellen was bludgeoned so badly investigators initially thought she’d been blasted at close range with a shotgun or rifle. The DA was prepared to introduce testimony from experts suggesting this was an “enraged blitz attack” by someone who knew the victim and was trying to “wipe her face off the map.” … He admitted staging evidence of a break-in at the house and disposing of the weapon and bloody clothes in a dumpster in Chinatown.

Chilling as the crime was, Robb’s proclaimed rationale was perhaps strangest: During an argument about a holiday trip Ellen would be taking with the couple’s daughter, Olivia, Rafael grew enraged at the suggestion that the girl would miss school. “At one point,” he testified, “Ellen pushed me. … I just lost it.”

So this was over an elementary school girl’s attendance record? We wonder how the professor dealt with the half-empty lecture halls that populate undergraduate Economics. To the Penn students and economists in the audience: WTF was this guy’s deal?

Official word from Penn’s Division of Public Safety: The uniformed individual who gave new meaning to “packing heat” when he exposed himself to a female student was not some rando who stole a uniform (as was previously guessed), but an actual officer on the payroll of Allied Barton (the mercenary squad that staffs 80+ weapons-wielding positions for Penn).  Allied guards fill street patrols and walking escort positions.  Which means, the security guard who walked you back from the library the night you were out studying late, and you asked for an escort because it was dark and scary and you were afraid a creepy pervert might jump out and wave his penis at you? Guard and perv were one and the same, this time.

While we anxiously await details on the offending guard (like how many inches and how does it hang), get a load of Public Safety’s official memo on the incident and measures they are now taking to ensure the “walking escort” service doesn’t become that kind of escort service. After the jump.

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Penn is a some kinda hotbed for crime. Did you know that?! Yes, we’re sure your moms told you if you ever considered applying to Penn. What these caring mothers do not know, however, is that Penn employs an elite squad of ex-Navy SEALS random hobos through the private security firm Allied. These guards protect Penn from the evils of drunk boys, and my, do they reign with iron fists! And all these poor souls ask for in return? Oh, a pat on the back, a reminiscing of times past, a 2-out-of-3 Rock, Paper, Scissors session. Not much. Maybe some pussy:

Hey all,

About an hour ago my roommate had a little incident that I thought you should all be aware of, since Public Safety sucks.

[She] was on her way home from rehearsal and an Allied guard on 38th and Chestnut offered to walk her home.  She figured she might has well have someone walk her since there have been a lot of robberies and such and our neighborhood lately.  When she got to the door of our house she thanked him for walking her and went to get her keys.  He said, “Miss…” and she turned around and he was holding his penis out at her.

Indeed, such was the tale of a Penn undergraduate female. Such a tease! Fortunately, when she filed the complaint, justice was served, served more, and then served yet again: The security office told her “some of their uniforms are ‘missing,’ so it might not actually be a security guard. Lovely.” Yeah, the girl should’ve recognized that he wasn’t legit given his neon blue pajamas with sparkles spelling “iz not security, iz hornee.”

Silly Penn isn’t just pretending this never happened, and Penn’s Vice President for Public Safety, Maureen Rush, has sent out a public safety alert to the entire Penn community. Check it out after the jump, and remember: It’s about penises. 

Correction: The VP for Public Safety’s memo to the Penn community after the jump is in response to something far more grave, which we absolutely don’t think is funny.

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Today the D is publishing the fourth and final installment of Alex Howe’s (D ‘08) insane story of actually being punished for commiting real crimes. Last time we saw Alex, the other inmates were joking that they were going to rape him. Or were they just joking about joking?

In case you missed them, here are the first, second, and third installments. 

Uh-oh, prison-gossip!

One fellow seemed at least a little retarded; the law has no shelter for the kind-of handicapped. He arrived a few days after I did, accompanied by an instant rumor: that he had joined our ranks for making love to a dog. Supposedly he had an accomplice, who was also with us, who had held the unhappy animal in place. The thing was, both of these luminaries claimed to have been the spotter, an apparent defense of character which struck me as equivalent to explaining that the canine tryst was not consummated, but “we did everything else.” In jail, as in life, at least you aren’t the guy who screwed a dog.

True that. 

After the jump — more prison-wisdom.

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Great news — today The D is carrying the third installment from Alex Howe’s (D ‘08) epic tale of irresponsible behavior and dangerous intoxication. Last week he blacked out, burglarized a grocery store, and was charged with a felony. This week he goes to jail. Here are some quotes:

Not going into a coma became even more difficult when I heard a chorus of shouts from the inmates all around me.

“Hey, it’s the new guy! We’re gonna gang-rape him!”

“It’s a new guy! I’m gonna f*ck him in the asshole!”

“Hey! A new guy! I’m gonna make him give me a blowjob!”

 

Listening to the conversations around me, I often felt like I was in Rap World: denunciations of “snitches” and “rats” were commonplace.

After the jump — the third installment (1 2) in the series. And there’s more to come!

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The D is like the little Ivy Daily that could. First, there was their peerless police blotter, then the whole cunnilingus affair, and now comes this thrilling narrative of crime and redemption sans redemption.

Technically, we already linked to Alex Howe’s (D ‘08) article in Ragtime last week, but it was so good we decided it deserved a post of its own. Here’s a representative excerpt from what I am calling a tour de force of drunken travelogue:

“On my way out, I saw two things I liked and took them with me: two bottles of $9.95 red wine and the Sunday New York Times. After I found the back door and fumblingly unlocked it, I stumbled into the New Hampshire night with wine in each hand and the Times in my armpit, bleeding onto my nicest clothes.”

Bravissimo! We eagerly look forward to the next installment. 

After the jump — the article in full.

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All is not calm under the Princeton Snowglobe. It seems the unruly skateboard punks in Palmer Square, pissed at the world because their dad works at a hedge fund, have some competition in the petty nuisance department.

The Prince is reporting on the arrest of three gang members believed to be responsible for the recent epidemic of — gasp! — laptop thefts. And by epidemic I mean exactly six laptops have been stolen from unlocked rooms over a period of a month. Three of which were pranks. Down these mean streets.

According to the Prince, the three are believed to belong to the gang Mara Salvatrucha. Here’s some background info on that gang, courtesy of the Prince:

Newsweek called MS-13 the “most dangerous gang in America,” and the FBI described the gang as an “extremely violent, fast-spreading street gang that has tentacles in more than 40 U.S. states and 10 different nations across two continents.”

I’m going to jump to the conclusion that Princeton is home to the lamest MS-13 tentacle across 40 U.S. states, 10 different nations, and two continents. Way to break into the unlocked dorm room racket, guys. There’s a candy store on Nassau Street, are you going to rob that too?

After the jump — the full article.

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Does anyone remember Alexander Atkind, the Cornell student (’06) who last March kicked the shit out of his roommate’s dog and then poured bleach on the poor thing? Well, he’s finally doing time. On Tuesday, Atkind pleaded guilty to animal cruelty and was sentenced  to 6 months in the Big House.

I know what you’re thinking: beating the crap out of a dog named Princess is mad fucked up, but to throw an Ivy League student in jail?  Couldn’t they just give him like a zillion years of probation and have his parents pay a fine like they usually do?  You’re almost thinking, poor kid.

And then you’re like, no.

After the jump: why they should throw away the key.

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Someone’s got it out for the Cornell chapter of Delta Kappa Epsilon, which goes by “Deke” to avoid confusion with a popular homophobic term. Their “Gray Stone Castle” at 13 South Avenue was first targeted July 30, according to the Cornell University Police crime log:

Criminal Mischief: Officer dispatched to take a report regarding an unknown individual(s) throwing a rock through a ground floor window. Value: $400.00″

Those Cornell P.D. flatfoots know a serial case when they see one. Those ground floor Dekes were about as safe as me and Nusca on the comment boards. It was only a matter of time before the perp would follow up. The hit came August 6, and this time with heavy artillery:

Criminal Mischief: Officer dispatched to take a report regarding an unknown individual(s) throwing a package of frozen chicken through a ground floor window. Value: $400.00

When I was in college it would take several days of starvation and malnourishment to get me inside the grocery store, so this would be awesome. The unknown individual will surely strike again, but now his Deke targets will be well fed. Fair trade.

Any of you other Ithacans know what this shit is about? Ivygate.guest@gmail.com wants to know. Thanks to our tipper for doing all of the work for this post.

–JIM NEWELL