Last week, Georgetown sophomore Charley Cooper made national news with a job listing for a personal assistant. He's 20-years old and apparently the whole college affair all too much for him to handle on his own.

According to Vox Populi, the Georgetown Voice's blog, the original as went something like this:

As my PA you will receive an email once a day by 9:00 am with a task list for that day and a time estimate for each task. Important tasks will be bolded on the list and must be done that day (even though everything on the list should theoretically be finished on a daily basis) …

PA example tasks -Organize closet -make bed -Drop off / pick up dry cleaning -Drop me off / pick me up from work -Do laundry -Fill up gas tank -bring car for servicing -schedule appointment for haircut -Pay parking tickets -manage electronic accounts -shopping and running errands -other random tasks.

Needless to say, Georgetown is not in the Ivy League. (And neither is Mr. Cooper.) But when a student does something so god-awful douchey that the Washington Post reports on it, something must be done.

Everyone's favorite Yale student, Aleksey "So Sexy" Veyner, might've done something like this. And Mike Kopko definitely started DormAid, a service that offered maid services to Harvard dorm rooms and pissed off pretty much the entire school. But Georgetown should know better, right?

After the jump, a couple of reasons why not.

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When not beating out Iowa City for the best college town, Ithaca can get a little dull during its down time. That might explain why a bunch of frat bros have created a new drinking game, now unfortunately available on YouTube. Produced by a vague "Society," the video borderline Chef Tony infomercial details "Russian Roulette," which consists of a frisbee, Solo cups, and Cornellians too sober to simply play beer pong or Kings (yes, we're also wondering why everyone isn't just piss drunk 24/7 in Ithaca).

After the jump, learn the rules!

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Hey prospective college students! Are you struggling to decide which college is the right one for you? Well have no fear, because USA Today has come to your rescue with their brief write-up of some researcher's rankings of the nation's best college towns.

The college town is one of the most important factors for prospective students in making their college decision. After all, in a typical freshman's week of studying, crying, and having sex (not necessarily in that order), he or she has a massive two hours of free time to spend in the town. And when that student is in said town, it must contain the resources necessary to allow the student to fulfill his or her important tasks of running to Wegmans and buying pot (not necessarily in that order). Determining suitable college towns is not something to be taken lightly. That is why dozens of researchers and statisticians spent months laboring to identify the towns with the most optimal sketchy bar-to-student ratios.

And in the end, Ithaca came out on top! This is truly a great day for Cornell (and to a lesser and more communications-based extent, Ithaca College). Take that Columbia and Harvard! Ithaca truly is gorges, just like your mom.

Oh, and about those quotation marks in the title. First, Ithaca technically was the best college town in America. This article was written back in the beginning of September--well before the great Pig Microbe Armageddon of 2009. We didn't know about this article until now because, well, it was in USA Today and we haven't stayed in any hotels in the past month.

Secondly, a "college town" is defined in this instance as a metropolitan area with a population of under 250,000 people. There were four categories in total, with the other four consisting of metropolitan areas with over 250,000 people, over 1 million people, and over 2.5 million people. In that last category, New York was number 1 and Boston was number 3. So Columbia and Harvard may not necessarily agree to "taking that".

Finally, the towns Ithaca beat in its category include State College, Ames, and Iowa City. This competitive situation is known in economic game theory as the "guy with one leg versus the three guys with no legs in the Tour de France" condition.

Okay, so maybe its not so great a ranking for Ithaca. Cornell recognizes this, as they didn't even mention the article on their website. Though that may be due to this ranking's lack of wizarding movie tie-ins.

A student at the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences has been the first to die of complications of swine flu in the recent outbreak on Cornell's campus. Warren Schor '11 of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity passed away at the Cayuga Medical Center. He was 20 years old.

Although approximately 450 students have presented flu-like symptoms, a representative of the Cornell Flu Line stated in a phone interview yesterday that so far only two students had been conclusively diagnosed with H1N1. Vice President of Communications Tommy Bruce now reports that number at 520. Neighboring Ithaca College has reported at least 18 students are symptomatic.

The Cornell Sun reports that, at the behest of Gannett Health Services, the Inter-Fraternity Council had instated a weeklong moratorium on social events to help prevent the spread of the disease. But, due to a flood of flu-related visits, Gannett also has stopped scheduling routine appointments, so they may just be canceling frat parties to avoid the standard Sunday morning rush for Plan B.

After the jump, the administration's response: a lesson in hygiene.

UPDATE: Some have questioned whether it's appropriate to have jokes in the same post that acknowledges a death. No element of this post mocks the deceased or those grieving—in fact, any humor is directed at the administration and their lack of response that precluded the student's death. However, since we wrote most the post before the death, then updated it afterwards, the tone may now be off. It's our policy never to take down posts, but as a concession we've added a more somber picture and adjusted some language.

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Yesterday, the Cornell Sun published a photo of a severed pig's head on the Arts Quad, displayed in all its rotten glory along with a sign proclaiming, "Maybe it's the beast, maybe it's just us."

According to Dear Uncle Ezra, a campus-related advice blog and Cornell's own stand-in Carrie Bradshaw, the slaughtered head may have been a fraternity's collegiate reference to Slope Day, Cornell's drunken end-of-the-year party. It might also be a literary reference to Lord of the Flies. (Too stupid to create their own reputation so they had to steal Dartmouth's and Brown's? We thought as much.) Uncle Ezra went on to elaborate on the accused frat members:

Perhaps, deep inside, they truly crave the common sense authority that members of a mainstream society have and yet they have been denied by this godless institution where apparently "adult" students behave within a supposed institution of higher-learning as if it was merely high school with no rules.... I would hope that, in the future ... other students at Cornell would see past some silly fraternity idiocy and be more disgusted by the deplorable self-poisoning and immorality occurring around the fraternity's fitting choice of symbolism...

Come on, Uncle Ezra, cut them some slack. How else are Cornellians going to allude to Hogsmeade in order to hang onto the one piece of good publicity in a decade?

Brown is the douchiest school in the country, according to GQ. Princeton is number three. Harvard is number four. Does this seem wrong? Keep reading, Deep Springs grads. It gets worse.

Just before the station wagon left the IvyGate garage, GQ published a "heavily researched, possibly stereotyped, but still accurate guide" to the nation's 25 Douchiest Colleges. In their own words, the GQ editors observe the inherent paradox of the douche:

The question isn't whether you're a douche bag when you go to college. We were all kind of douche bags when we went to college, if we're going to be honest about it. No, the question for America's youth is: What kind of douche bag do you aspire to be?

Gottseidank Yalies, Dartmutts, and Columbians, you're off the hook. Harvardians, Princetonians, and Brunonians are not so lucky. Cornell, Penn: honorable mentions don't always need mentioning.

After the jump, what's wrong with the list, and what you can do about it.

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The first book in the Harry Potter series--Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone--was released in the United States in 1998. (Yes, it was that long ago.) Over the next 11 years, the millions of children who first read the book back in the 20th century would all grow up and go to college. And one common action all of these kids took was to evaluate how much the university they attend is like Hogwarts. Well here to finally settle the dispute of which American universities would be most likely to have a chamber of secrets is college admissions counselor Katherine Cohen. Ms. Cohen has toured many colleges over the years and has compiled a list of the five best suited for wizardry. Unsurprisingly, some Ivy League universities made the list. Perhaps surprisingly, only two Ivies made the list.

Cornell University, Ithaca, NY
Located on 745 acres overlooking Cayuga Lake in upstate New York, this research university is fairly removed from the hustle and bustle of Manhattan (as Hogwarts is from London). Cornell's West Campus residential community, appropriately called "The Gothics," along with the War Memorial, Risley Residential College, and the Law Library, are gothic masterpieces. There's big school spirit here, too. Ice hockey, lacrosse and football games bring out huge crowds. Like competitors in the Triwizard Challenge, Cornellians wear their red scarves when they compete against their Ivy League rivals.

...

Yale University, New Haven, CT
As the third-oldest college in America, this might be as close to Hogwarts as one can get. The campus is full of towers, courtyards, arches and balconies, and boasts some of the country's most breathtaking gothic architecture. Like Hogwarts, the Yale campus conceals many nooks and crannies. For example, under Sterling Library there's a tunnel that leads to another library, part of Yale's large underground network of unseen passageways, some of which remain locked or forgotten. Yale's secret societies (such as Skull and Bones which has been made famous by Hollywood) may remind Rowling fans of Dumbledore's Army. A defining feature of this Ivy League institution is its twelve residential colleges. Like the infamous sorting hat, the administration places incoming students in one of twelve residential colleges, where loyalties and rivalries abound.

Ms. Cohen lists "physical appearance, residential community, academic rigor, extracurricular opportunities, and unique traditions" as her criteria for wizarding universities. Oddly, having actual Hogwarts wizards as students is not included. While Ms. Cohen does appear to have all her facts in order (Cornell's Risley Hall is known for its annual Harry Potter night), she should apologize to Dumbledore's Army for comparing them to Skull and Bones. Read the rest of this entry »

Q: U Penn has a vet school? A: Not for long.

The School of Veterinary Medicine was founded when "West Philadelphia was still the countryside." You know, before Will Smith got there and ruined everything. The Pennsylvania government just cut $10 million of the vet school's funding from the state due to that whole recession thing.  Amounting to about 8.5 percent of the total budget, it's the second cut in six months. All these cuts come despite the fact the Government Accountability Office has noted a decline in the number of vets trained in caring for "food animals," and the rise in animal-to-human disease transmission. Now they'll never find the cure for Lena Chen's "swine flu."

This is such bad news that the staff of The Daily Pennsylvanian wrote an editorial demanding the state save the vet school. The staff blames Pennsylvania Governor and UPenn Trustee Ed "The Thing" Rendell for the cuts, accusing him of the mortal sins of favoring state schools and hating cows. An erstwhile Hillary Clinton supporter, this is the first time the latter argument has been made about Rendell.

While the Pennsylvanian staff is writing editorials, the vet students are writing letters to the state capital. It is likely the University's "government affairs office" will make more headway.

Remember wingnut and condiment expert William Jacobson? Back in May, he wrote a post on his blog attacking President Obama for asking for "a spicy...or Dijon mustard" on his hamburger. This Harvard-educated lawyer accused Obama of elitism--because nothing's more elitist than inquiring about a product produced by Kraft. Jacobson's post sparked laughter in the entire political blogosphere, causing him to link to all the people laughing at him, resulting in more laughing and more linking until the entire internet imploded. The end.

Oh, and he's got a faculty job at Cornell.

Since "Colonel Mustard" first earned his nickname, he has continued to write more wacky posts about how Sotomayor is racist, Hillary is disappeared, Wonkette is Trig's real mother, and so on. But it is Jacobson's post from last Friday that really demonstrates the peak insane form he showed in early May. It is titled "If Palin Were President Now" and it is every bit as magical as you would expect.

By speculating what would happen if Alaska's Point Guard were the current Commander in Chief, Jacobson is operating under the assumption that John McCain won in November and died soon after. Of course John McCain is still alive in real life, meaning Sarah Palin would still be VP and have all the time she wants to shop in Georgetown. I don't know why Jacobson thinks McCain would have died in the past eight months. Maybe he's confusing him with Ed McMahon.

Because this is just speculation, Jacobson can write whatever he wants without any sort of proof or justification or logic. He can say that in her first six months as President, Sarah Palin would have fixed the economy, reduced the national deficit, sent Optimus Prime to kill Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and won the Boston Marathon--even if all of it only could have happened in Jacobson's recurring wet dream. And when people take him to task, he doesn't have to explain himself. After all, it's just speculation. Just like when TMZ claims Diana Ross is the father of Michael Jackson's kids.

William Jacobson, if you are reading this, please realize how much embarrassment you are bringing to the university that employs you. Not because of your political beliefs, but because of your failure at simple reasoning. You say that if Sarah Palin were President now, the country would be in much better shape. That is simply untrue. You failed to realize that Sarah Palin would never be President now, because she would have quit last week.

Given the insanely high costs of tuition these days, college students have certain expectations of their academic institutions. These expectations include good concerts, at least one place on campus that sells crepes, and cops that aren't complete buzzkills. Most importantly, students expect their college to keep their personal information safe. So when a Cornell-owned computer containing the names and Social Security numbers of thousands of Cornellians was stolen, it was clear that somebody focused too much on the crepes. On Tuesday afternoon, Cornell sent this e-mail to over 45,000 current and former students and faculty in order to say "our bad".

Dear Current or Former Member of the Cornell Community: 

Last week, we learned that a Cornell-owned computer that was stolen earlier this month contained your name and Social Security Number. Please accept our most sincere apologies for this unfortunate event. 

In order to inform you of this situation as quickly as possible, we are sending you this email in advance of a formal notification via U.S. mail. 

Hooray! We're all fucked!

The entire e-mail after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »