The other night I was watching TV while drunk and stumbled across something called the Fast Money MBA Challenge on CNBC. I immediately decided I was imagining things. IvyGate has since received confirmation that this program does actually exist, and we're not quite sure how to handle it.

The Challenge, which debuted August 1 and will run through August 22, pits teams of MBA candidates from eight of the nation's top business schools against each other in College Bowl-ish duels. Dylan Ratigan, host of CNBC's usual Fast Money shit-off, runs the special with predictably douchey swagger.

The eight b-schools in competition are MIT (Sloan), Texas, Columbia, NYU (Stern), Chicago, UCLA (Anderson), Dartmouth (Tuck) and Yale. (Click on the picture to enlarge the bracket). Wharton and Harvard probably fancy themselves above this, but we think they're just scared little hobbit-bitches who are afraid to put their reps on the line.

And as the Challenge has demonstrated, even the mightiest can pull a Nasdaq-circa-2000. In the first round, number-one seed MIT lost to icky state school yokels Texas, and permanent safety school Chicago fell hard to UCLA. Whether the game is basketball or stock quotes, MIT and Chicago will always be intercollegiate competition ne'er-do-wells.

Watch the clip below for a taste of the Challenge that a) demonstrates to a tee why people hate corporations and b) solidifies wiseacre Dylan Ratigan's status as the most grating television personality in the world today. It's Columbia versus NYU, a match that Ratigan cleverly dubs the "Subway Series." Columbia wins, as the bracket shows, effectively renewing its right to treat NYU like shit for another few years.

--JIM NEWELL

According to an article in Sunday's New York Times, schools once institutionalized as safeties for Ivy aspirants are becoming first choices themselves due to higher application rates. It's a pretty no-fucking-shit argument, but the Times goes further and offers the kids this juicy morsel:

If you want an intellectually rigorous, urban campus, the University of Chicago may be a fallback for the University of Pennsylvania. If you fell in love with Columbia for its international studies program, consider Georgetown as a safety."

Whosawhatsitnow? I thought Chicago and Georgetown were like, hard to get into and stuff. Didn't U.S. News & World Report rank Chicago and Columbia as a tie for ninth in 2007? Isn't Georgetown ranked sixteenth for selectivity, six spots above Cornell? Sounds like this "world report" should read the Times' naughty little secret: any Ivy League wannabe can get into Georgetown and Chicago. How ignorant we all were before this tell-all!

Read the Times, you bright-eyed 16-year-old Ivy gropers. The old standby safeties may be competitive now, but you'll always have stinky Georgetown and Chicago to land on. Lying liars like U.S. News might rank them as top-tier, but, um, do you see an "Ivy" in the names of their leagues? If you can't get into those "schools," then stop masquerading as a student and go to voky.

And don't say the Times might be wrong. When has the Times ever been wrong about serious issues in recent years?

If you hadn't caught onto the sarcasm, hopefully that last sentence cleared it up. It's not that I hate the Times. I enjoy Frank Rich's columns instantly confirming my predetermined views as much as the next guy. But describing Chicago and G'town as safety schools for anyone is like saying that I have job prospects. I know only one person who ever got into Georgetown but 3.5 who got into Princeton. Does the Times want no one to go to college, like heartbroken Colin Hanks in Orange County? Find some real safety schools. We can't all be like that girl who refused to read Romeo & Juliet:

--JIM NEWELL