Students at Cornell took advantage of last week’s blizzard to host the second annual (and massively hyperbolic) “Epic Snowball Fight.” Throngs of students packed into the school’s Arts Quad to do wintry battle and, perhaps, erect a snow penis or two. (Natch.) But what could we realistically expect from the proceedings? Last year’s inaugural rumpus, you may or may not remember, was punctuated by a girl jumping off the library roof and breaking her leg. So clearly the bar was set pretty high.
Thankfully, we can report that this year’s fracas lived up to — nay, exceeded — expectations. Well, not the fight itself, per se, so much as the insane overreaction it engendered from those champions of justice and defenders of the peace, the Cornell University Police Department. Several cop cars filed onto the Arts Quad to break the fight up, even apprehending one student for accidentally lobbing a snowball at their feet. All in a days work, ma’am.
Even those developments, however, are relatively milquetoast. What we really love is the opening paragraph from the Cornell Sun article on the events:
The Cornell University Police Department shut down the second annual “Epic Snowball Fight on the Arts Quad” Wednesday, apprehending a student, confiscating tin shields and knocking over a six-foot snow penis.
We salute you, Jeff Stein, for crafting such an exceptional lede: it draws in the reader by clearly and succinctly articulating the drama of the proceedings, and packs the extra punch of a largely irrelevant reference to big icy snow-balls. There’s nothing else to add here, really, except to suggest this may be our favorite lede in the mostly excruciating history of college journalism.
If you know anything more about the snow penis, send the intel our way. And, if you send photographic evidence of the police grappling with said frost-dong, we would love you forever and ever.
For a visual recap of the fight and the subsequent shakedown, here’s a YouTube video uploaded by a Cornellian at the scene of the crime: