We admit that we stopped watching America’s Next Top Model once “smizing” became a regular word in Tyra’s vocabulary. But we know a hot expressionless mermaid when we see one–and thanks to our tipster, we see Jane Randall, the Princeton junior who made it to Season 15’s final four before getting booted off.
And we also see her totally bonkers interview with David Walter from Princeton’s University Press Club, which was posted online this past Monday and is living proof that you should not talk to models.
America’s Next Top Model alumnus Victoria Marshman will soon be joining the shadowy legions of secrecy, if her participation in secret society pre-tap night is any indicator. Unless, of course, she wanders campus with a rainbow-striped bedsheet wrapped around her derriere on a regular basis, in which we apologize for the spreading vile, false rumors. That’s Tory in the back, with the bike helment on it.
The race to be Tyra Banks’ Favorite Sex Toy — occasionally known as “America’s Next Top Model” — includes its third Ivy Leaguer this season, Cornell grad Katarzyna. I’d tell you more, but after last semester’s intense reality tv coverage, I’m incapable of witnessing a video confessional without breaking into hives.
Luckily, we have a new reality tv correspondent this semester: Victoria Marshman, Yale ’09 and Top Model contestant of yore! That’s right, after being the object of our obsessive scrutiny last fall, Tory is crossing over to the blog side so she can obsessively scrutinize ANTM’s newest Token Smart Girl. Or, as Tory says, “have an excuse to throw things at the TV again on Wednesday nights.” And that, children, is the circle of life.
So check back on Thursday morning for our first Model vs. Model recap. As far as we know, this is the first time a Top Model has aimed the mighty pen back at the show! Then again, not too many ANTM contestants have been literate before.
UPDATE: Frowns all around. The CW put the kibosh on our dastardly plans, perhaps because last time Tory talked to us, we uncovered Tyra Banks’ controlling side and the purposeful physical deprivation of Top Model contestants. Our Girl Tory apologizes, and so do we.
Last week saw the sad demise of Victoria M, Yale ’09, from America’s Next Top Model. Eliminated for her “prickly” disposition while posing as a cactus, Tory left the show and returned to life as a History major. In an exclusive phone interview, everyone’s favorite failed model gave IvyGate juicy details from her life as television star.
After the jump, Yale’s Hottest Skinny Chick dishes on castmates, crazed fans, the quality of Tyra Banks’ boobs… and re-tells a scene Lady Banks didn’t want viewers to see (hint: it involves Tyra siccing her bodyguards on a tiny, defenseless Tory)
“Noooo!” my cry of horror echoed through the Brown Hall courtyard, Princeton NJ, across the state limits and to New Haven, CT where Victoria Marshman, Yale ’09, is likely receiving condolences from her extensive fan base of body dysmorphic 13-year-old girls. Tory, the Ivy League’s Great Hot Hope, has been eliminated from America’s Next Top Model! Tyra Banks, I am going to smother you in your sleep with one of your hideous wigs.
Dressed as a cactus for a plant-themed shoot, Tory proved too “prickly” for the Top Model judges’ taste (photos coming ASAP!). Despite high-quality pictures in episodes 2 and 3, Tory’s bad attitude and sass at the judge’s table was our leggy friend’s downfall. She’ll just have to settle for “the top history program at Yale.” The above picture is from the anti-smoking campaign of episode 2. See the dead fetus doll in her arms? That’s what smoke-induced stillbirth looks like. Which is to say, HOT.
Twelve anorexic chicks strapped on and rigged up for a couture evening gown rock-climbing challenge on America’s Next Top Model episode 3. And Our Girl Tory (Victoria Marshman, Yale ’09) is still in the running!
“I got into the top history program at Yale, so…” begins everyone’s favorite Yalie in her required weekly Y-Bomb. (Notice how I dropped three in the process of even saying that? I’m “modeling” myself after Tory!) Then she kind of babbled about her shitty runway walk, but by that point I was too entranced by the boniness of her elbows to pay attention.
With the contortionist powers of a Russian gymnast, Our Girl Tory twisted herself into “model pretzel” with startling aplomb, even from her death-defying perch atop an indoor climbing wall in the middle of some trashy mall in the Valley. Is the CW having budget issues, or what? Nevertheless, big sad eyes and gangly limbs secured Tory’s continued role in the competition… prolonging her rocky climb to the top… still in the game to be Tyra Banks’ Favorite Sex Toy! — er, America’s Next Top Model! *
* See premiere recap for more on Tyra Banks’ spanking fetish, which gives a whole new meaning to show slogan “I wanna be on top.”
ANTM episode 2 opens with Yale ’09 Victoria Marshman. Tyra Banks voices over: “This season we have a Yale student with brains and beauty.” Hunchback computer-programmer Heather has been branded as “stunning beauty struggling with a disability,” assuaging my premiere-episode fear that she would be a threat to Tory’s status as Token Smart Girl. Since molestation victim Marvita was eliminated in prelims, six-year foster care veteran Lisa takes over the hard-knock role: “I’ve seen every kind of hurt.” Plus, she’s an exotic dancer with a heart of gold, which is so Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Instant underdog status!
The girls arrive in LA and Mr. J announces the season’s theme: environmentalism. Yawn. The girls board a biodiesel bus pimped out with grass and other weird outdoor shit. “Weird outdoor shit” must be the design-world companion to “environmentalism” because the mansion is decorated that way, too, with shrubbery and strange plants creeping from every corner. Of course, the real theme of every ANTM cycle is “Tyra Banks,” and blown-up images of the Amazonian host’s airbrushed, pore-free face plaster virtually every flat surface. We move to the bedroom and discover that the girls will be sleeping in ONE BIG ROOM this year. Budget issues? Or a dastardly plot to induce lights-out melodrama and scantily-clad pillow fights?
Settling in to view the much-anticipated premiere of America’s Next Top Model cycle 9 (featuring Yale ’09 Victoria Marshman), I went to pre-pop my popcorn to avoid the snack-induced tardiness of yesterday’s Beauty & the Geekpremiere recap. But the co-op down the hall was locked! The communalist chefs of Brown Hall must be on to my appliance-abusing ways. Maybe because I write about it on the internet.
ANTM cycle 9 begins with a bang: The girls are going to the Caribbean! Requisite shots of screaming girls with tears of joy streaming down their faces, then cut to sunny San Juan and a busload of skinny chicks, faces wrapped in black satin eyemasks. Is ANTM going SM this year? They disembark and Miss J. Alexander, Tyra Banks’ gender-bending black male runway coach, is wearing sailor whites. Surprise! The semi-final cut will occur on a cruise boat! The girls freak out; apparently they don’t realize that cruise boats are less Titanic more shuffle-board and all-you-can-eat-buffet these days. Boats are so 20th century.
As part of New Haven’s continuing beautification program, Yale hottie, Victoria Marshman ’09, will appear on the coming season of America’s Next Top Model.
TYRA BANKS: I want to tear the Ivy League apart.
IVYGATE: Not on our watch. Unless, of course, dear Victoria turns out to be a raging bitch.
According to a rather credulous Yale Daily News article, Marshman “filled out the 15-page application… on the spur of the moment.” Beautiful, elfish Victoria apparently claims to have no interest in fashion (we suppose the same can’t be said about fame). The implication being that she’s down to Earth, not so into this “modeling thing.” For the sake of all our entertainment: God, we hope not.
One thing’s for sure: we can’t wait to root for/against her.
Victoria has deactivated Facebook, Ivygate’s only credible source, so we’re at a total loss for further information. Got a juicy tidbit about Victoria? Any photos? Please? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
UPDATED:Here is a picture from what appears to be her high-school yearbook.
A fellow Yalie tells us that,'”she had sort of a goofy, nerd-girl thing going on, and reminded me a little of millie from “freaks and geeks.”‘
IvyGate has been featured in the New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, Boston Globe, New York Observer, Newsweek, New Yorker, and other publications, as well as NBC, MSNBC, Fox News, Drudge Report, Gawker, The Huffington Post, Wonkette, Jezebel, The Awl, and many more. Most are horrified.