Penn grad Zachary Michaelson lands on the cover of Trader Monthly‘s “Top 30 Under 30” edition this month (link goes to companion website, Trader Daily).  Which is cool for Zach, but pretty sucky for Trader Monthly, seeing how their cover boy was already out of his job at Fortress Investment by the issue’s debut.

Actually, it’s not that cool for Zach, either.  (Did you really think he’d get off so easily?) Now he’s the laughingstock of Wall Street blog DealBreaker, where former co-workers are dishing on how “totally full of it” the alleged wunderkind was.  Some claim Michaelson never even held the position “portfolio manager.”  Then again, his CNBC interview billed him “global portfolio manager specializing correlation modeling seeking trades that are at once global, macro, and relative value,” so the two-word title is a sin of omission, if anything.  DealBreaker readers have already christened Zach the next Aleksey Vayner.  Impossible is nothing?  Or a ridiculously ill-timed job loss, paired with the modicum of tool-itude we have come to expect from basically everyone on Wall Street — especially the young hot ones?

We were inclined towards the latter and willing to give Zach a break.  But then one of his Kappa Sigma brothers from Penn wrote in:

He was… kicked out of the house for trying to start a fight with his roommate with a hammer because his roommate was smoking in the room.  When his roommate pushed him away, Michaelson called the police.  He also threatened to expose violations by the House if we didn’t let him live in the chapter house.

Silly boy — homoerotic frat fights are for paddles, not hammers!  Sources conflict as to whether Michaelson was kicked out, or quit as soon as he realized he could not secure the 5 (out of about 40) votes necessary to maintain house residency.  We’re still wondering how assault with a deadly weapon and the threat of blackmail amounted to the support of a single Kappa Sig (apparently there were three).

View Michaelson’s CNBC interview and more “Top 30 Under 30″ tidbits, after the jump.

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They say 80 percent of success is just showing up, but in the age of the hacker, it might be closer to 100. According to Yale officials in the Yale Daily News, the social security numbers for more than 10,000 current and former students, faculty and staff were compromised last month following the theft of two university computers.

In case you were wondering, the computers were stolen from the Yale College Dean’s Office — hey, did someone forget to lock the door? — on July 17. Apparently the ‘puters were password-protected, but we’re hedging our bets that the password is “h@rv@rd$uck$01” or something. Yale says the computers were probably stolen to be sold, as if the computers in university administrative offices are worth far more than the MacBook Pros and the Dell XPS laptops that students regularly leave lying around campus.

Um, yeah. Oh, and the kicker?

“The lost files had not been maintained for any purpose,” Yale spokesman Tom Conroy said in the Yale Daily News, “but were overlooked in the University’s efforts at reducing the amount of personal information it holds.”

Um, nice work, guys. Spring cleaning ended months ago. Of course, Yale sent out letters warning individuals to check bank and credit reports, but chances are whoever made off with the numbers — which probably includes Aleksey Vayner‘s and suddenly justifies the theft — is already high-tailin’ it for the border…or Cambridge. (Or Princeton?) – ANDREW NUSCA

From the elevation-challenged lands of Topeka, Kansas comes this morning’s jolt of intolerance, thanks to the Westboro Baptist Church (homepage: godhatesfags.com). Seems the anti-everything bretheren are up in arms over the “perverts,” “fags” and “dykes” emerging from far-flung Cornell, and they’ve decided to head toward Ithaca to forgive transgressions, er, I mean spread the joyous Word in honor (persecution?) of Cornell’s LGBT Resource Center and general allowance of gay pride.

According to the release, the anti-religious group will be out in full force this Thursday at the ungodly (ha!) hour of 8:30 a.m. in an undisclosed location, all thanks to the First Amendment. The text, in all of it’s Samuel L. Jackson-as-Jules Winnfield-esque glory:

This is a seat of higher learning in America, an Ivy League no less, which is filled with perverts running things, and they are trying to make fags and dykes out of all of their students. They, like the rest of America, have taught and CONTINUE to teach full-blown rebellion, to teach their sons and daughters to be snakes just like they themselves are and their father the Devil. Matthew 23:33- Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? John 8:44- Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. Jesus Christ called them poisonous snakes! He is not a wimp, and He is going to continue to bereave you of your children until he finally executes the Judgment upon you as he did the Sodomites (Genesis 19) and countless other nations (the Canaanites, the Benjamites, the Philistines, Pompeii, Egypt). America is doomed! She shall be laid desolate! The siege is coming!

Confused yet? Yeah, I am too, and I actually tried to stay awake in Sunday School. To add fuel to the fire, the date on this tour of love comes after the previous day’s stop at a New York high school to picket the memorial of five deceased cheerleaders, or “raised-for-the-Devil, American whores.” All because the school was “promoting sodomy among students” through a diversity club. Talk about not catching a break.

With a history of making waves on Scarborough Country and Hannity & Colmes and protesting at services for killed Iraq vets and Virginia Tech students — oh, and reportedly saying the Holocaust was “miniscule” — it’s sure to be a tailgatin’ good time. Hell, when FOX News calls you “radical,” it’s gotta count for something. Word has it that a counter-protest among the Big Red ranks is in the works, so to any Cornellians with a nice view from the ivory tower, be sure to send along the visual goods at ivygate.guest@gmail.com.

Oh, and Aleksey Vayner has nothing to do with this. We just need to get our irrelevant potshots in early. – ANDREW NUSCA

We’ve often wondered what might have become of Aleksey Vayner had he never made his hit film “Impossible Is Nothing.” Where would he be in five years? What levels of success would he have achieved?

We’re pretty sure the answer has arrived in the form of Timothy Ferriss, Princeton ’00. Currently a “guest lecturer” at Princeton (sounds a little misleading to us; he’s not in the official directory), Ferriss has honed self-help guruship down to an art — he’s good-looking, well spoken, and he knows you initially assume he’s a fraud. His new book, The 4-Hour Workweek, explains how to work very little (check e-mail twice a day, outsource all your work to Asians for $5 an hour) and still live your dreams. Among the dreams Ferriss has already lived: Motorcycling across China. Dancing tango in Argentina (and on Regis and Kelly). Kickboxing. Skiing in the Andes. Gaining 34 pounds of muscle in 4 weeks. In other words, impossible is nothing.

The book already seems to be taking off. It’s currently ranked in Amazon’s top 10. The site’s reviewers have given it five stars, nearly across the board.

And that’s where it gets weird. The Amazon comments are absurdly positive. Frighteningly positive. Eyebrow-raisingly positive. Just look at the slew of reviews left all on the same day, April 24:

C. Ashenden, April 24: I don’t give away compliments easily but I guarantee that this book will change your life. Don’t wait.

Brian Page, April 24: I’m not a reviewer of books. In fact, this is the only one I’ve ever commented on. So as the first person to review The 4-Hour Workweek, I’m going to make a prediction. Remember, I called it first. This book WILL be a best-seller.

Sherwood Forlee, April 24: Because of this book, I would have to say that my dreams will soon become reality.

Matt, April 24: I don’t know Tim, nor do I have any financial connection to this book. … I have never written a review on Amazon before, but this book compelled me to write my first. I highly recommend you get it, and I guarantee it will get you thinking about making changes in your life.

Lindsay, April 24: I have always been a little wary of books focused arond life-improvement, but “The 4-Hour Work Week” book strikes the perfect balance between practical guidebook with real-world suggestions for how to maximize the work/life balance (something everyone needs to learn to do) and inspirational encouragement that yes, the life you want is just around the corner.

Michelle Bartakova, April 24: I believe this book is going to be a bestseller, will inspire many, and I would go as far as to say it will save lives. … The revolution has began…. If this review sounds little bit over the top, well it is and so is the book. This is my first review on amazon, and who knows my next one might be written by my virtual assistant:)

(Hilarious commenter exchange on that last one is here.) When a tipster pointed out the unbroken slew of over-the-top raves to us, we saw this comment among them:

Smells fishy!, April 26, 2007
Reviewer: cyan (Sydney, Australia)
There are 18 reviews beneath me. Every single one was written on the same day. This is the only review of every single reviewer bar one. I wonder what the odds are of 18 individuals who never review on Amazon logging onto the site on the same day and giving the book 5 stars?

Even more fishily, that last comment is now gone. We have to agree, it’s hard to see more than a dozen glowing, similarly-argued raves spontaneously cropping up all at the same time — from people who have never before reviewed another title. If indeed Ferriss had a hand in arranging them, that’s not necessarily wrong — just really off-putting, really douchey, really … Aleksey.

Dear all 17,432 people who emailed us about Michael Cera‘s Aleksey Vayner spoof video: Yes, thank you, we saw it. No doubt by this point you have too — maybe at Dealbreaker, or Gawker, or — wait, really? — The New York Times. We’ll share the Arrested Development star’s homage here anyway, as what struck us as kind of eh at first reveals some great touches on second viewing, like how the watercolor Cera paints at 1:48 is already framed and behind glass.

But first, may we issue a polite “deez nuts” to the cowards at YouTube? Cera’s “Impossible Is the Opposite of Possible,” produced for a McSweeney’s event, is currently a “Featured Video” on the YouTube home page, racking up all kinds of honors and 315,000-plus views as of this posting. So, YouTube is happy to jump on the Aleksey Bandwagon now, when all the legal heat is off? You’ll recall that back in October, down in the Aleksey Vayner trenches, they hung us out to dry. Chad Hurley, Steve Chen: We’ll get you for this. But first, we have to have some copies of keys made:

When it comes to fixing public education, ideas abound. Standardized testing. Charter schools. KIPP-like behavioral reform. But these supposed solutions pale when set against the latest pedagogical theory to hit America’s public schools: “Impossible is Nothing.”

We know, we know, it’s dead. Which is probably why one first-year Teach for America corps member thought it safe to turn would-be i-banker Aleksey Vayner’s ubiquitous maxim (well, technically Adidas had it first) into classroom philosophy. A poster in a New York TFA office reads as follows, according to a tipster:

NYC Corps Members are Building the Movement

Sean Reidy, TFA ’06, 7th grade math, Bronx

Sean is building the movement by investing his students in his class motto, “Impossible is nothing.” Students believe they can and will succeed in math class. They dress up on test days and have learned what it means to dress for success. Almost two thirds of Seans’ seventh grade students joined the Mathletes, an after school club where students can compete against each other in challenging math questions.

For the record: Anything remotely connected to Vayner that also involves “dress up” is highly suspect. But who knows, maybe Vayner will get the last laugh after patching up our nation’s troubled education system. Whether that happens before or after the inevitable daytime talk show “Aleksey!”, we can’t say.

When Harvard’s Pforzheimer House announced it was throwing an official Aleksey Vayner-themed party last week, we assumed it would be a 495-lb. blast. People could come in karate robes, or Under Armour and dance pants; gently serve tennis balls at 140 miles an hour; there could even be a little table in the back for plagiarizing books about the Holocaust. Picture it: 2 a.m., hundreds of “Impossible is Nothing” acolytes swilling Aleksey Ale and Vayner Vodka Tonics, ballroom dancing to the beat of “Solamente Tu Amor” and “The Way of the Sword” — what could go wrong?

Alas, as the above photo shows, the event was rather under-attended. In fairness, it was up against Winthrop House’s “Country Clubbin’: A Harvard-Yale ‘Tea Partay’.” More depressing pics after the jump; either this means Alekseygate has officially gotten old (should we cancel our Christmas benefit gala for Youth Empowerment Strategies?), or it’s just the usual case of Harvard kids unable to have fun when it’s handed to them on a platter.

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Props to the Yale Herald for being the first college publication to get an interview with Aleksey Vayner. Too bad they left their spine on the mantelpiece next to their keys that day. Here’s a snippet:

YH: One endeavor your résumé mentions is Vayner Capital Management, a business that you reportedly created. Could you describe this business?

AV: We’re a limited liability corporation, based in New York.

YH: Is that all you can say about it on the record?

AV: Yes.

Now that, folks, is what we call a follow-up question. The piece is so hard-hitting the byline is blank; no one on staff seems to want to take credit for it. Keep on sluggin’, guys.

You know, in all the stuff we’ve written about Aleksey Vayner, we’ve never actually used the word “douchebag.” Well, we’re getting pretty close to using that term right now. Only we’re not talking about Aleksey.

Daro Mott and Marcelino Pantoja (Yale ’06, above) sent the book query below to the Wiliam Morris mega-agency. G’head, read it, we’ll wait.

From: “Mott, Daro” [redacted]
To: “Suzanne Gluck” [redacted]
CC: “Marcelino Pantoja” [redacted]
Re: Query: Aleksey Vayner, a Memoir

October 25, 2006
Suzanne Gluck
William Morris Agency
1325 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY  10019

Dear Ms. Suzanne Gluck:

We would like to preface our query letter with a short paragraph about ourselves. My name is Daro Mott and I graduated from Yale University in May of 2006; I currently live and work in Louisville, Kentucky. My co-author’s name is Marcelino Pantoja; he lives and works in Tracy, California and he also graduated from Yale this previous spring. We are budding writers and intend to produce a memoir regarding our puzzling friend, Aleksey Vayner, whom we met as undergraduates at Yale.

In our book, we reveal the most intriguing and entertaining Ivy League persona of today: Aleksey Vayner.

The story of Aleksey Vayner is both sensational and seemingly apocryphal. On the one hand, Aleksey and his family, penniless, emigrated from Uzbekistan to the United States; at eighteen, he gained admission to Yale University as a tennis recruit. On the other hand, Aleksey Vayner sexed up his accomplishments one time too many: recently, he single handedly became the laughing stock on Wall Street after sending an eleven page résumé and
promotional video to UBS AG, the world’s largest asset wealth manager.

On October 9, 2006, the New York Sun went to press on Aleksey. Within the span of a week, the Wall Street Journal, the Dow Jones News Wire, Fox News, US News and World Report, London Times, Daily Mail, Forbes, the Yale Daily News, Market Watch, the New Yorker and dozens of other national and international media ran articles on Aleksey. The New York Times, the Today Show and other media picked up the story the following week. Following suit, Aleksey Vayner was featured on Inside Edition and MSNBC early this week. Blogs can’t get enough. Yale students scream Vaynergate. Public interest is skyrocketing!  Why?

Aleksey lifts 495 lbs of steel, clocks a tennis serve at 140mph, whirls around a ballroom dance floor with a gorgeous dancer, shatters six bricks with a karate chop, pulls off fantastic stunts with skis-he choreographs all this information and more in his promotional video. Moreover, Aleksey boasts of being the CEO of Vayner Capital Management, a partner in a mega real-estate development firm, a professional athlete and the founder of Youth Empowerment Strategies (YES), a non-profit. He even claims to have self-published a book on the Holocaust from the perspective of female survivors!  Aleksey has chutzpah!

But Wall Street erupted with laughter. And they have not stopped. Aleksey is being bombarded with requests for interviews. The calls have not stopped. Wall Street circulated Aleksey’s video and résumé because, Aleksey, whether we like it or not, is simply entertaining.

In the light of this, his cadre of friends proposes to write a book about Aleksey situated in Yale University where we first met him. As his closest friends and recent graduates of Yale, we have personal access to him; in other words, we are self-anointed experts of Aleksey.

In his memoir, we detail the reality that is Aleksey with a flavor made possible from having tasted the “inside scoop.” We raise interesting issues and get down to bottom of life at Yale with Aleksey Vayner. We will answer soul searching questions: Who is he? What does he want out of this gift of life? What is folklore, what is reality? Did the allure of Wall Street make a zany guy even zanier? Is he a typical Ivy Leaguer? Is Aleksey Vayner legitimate or is he an imposter? We know the truth.

We look forward to speaking with you.

Respectfully Submitted,

Daro Mott
Marcelino Pantoja

Choo choo! All aboard! The Aleksey Vayner gravy train is leaving the station! Good to know that even during these tough times, Aleksey’s “closest friends” are standing by him … ready to cash in on his fame.

Seriously, though — most intriguing Ivy League persona? The New York Sun as catalyst? “What is folklore, what is reality?” Sign us up, you “budding writers,” for the “flavor made possible from having tasted the ‘inside scoop’” on your “puzzling,” “zany” friend.

Yale Daily News reporter Tom Kaplan is our new hero. Only a freshman, he’s penned a piece about Aleksey Vayner with actual (gasp) reporting! Unlike the toothless Times, credulous MSNBC, or effortlessly spun New York Post, Kaplan’s piece moves the ball, noting that the president of Charity Navigator has asked New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer to investigate Vayner’s fake charity.

Also — and this is pure sugarcane — it’s apparently Academic Integrity Awareness Week at Yale now, but deans are stonewalling on whether they’re looking into Vayner’s several plagiarisms.

Kaplan’s piece is a serious take, but the last two sentences are the funniest thing we’ve read all week:

Vayner’s attempt to stand out in his application appears to have backfired, although advertising executive Donny Deutsch said on MSNBC he would hire Vayner immediately for his creative genius. Director of Undergraduate Career Services Philip Jones declined to comment on whether Vayner’s strategy is a sound one.

But with Halloween less than a week away, some Yalies in need of an outfit may have found inspiration of their own in the Vayner scandal: some students said that “Aleksey Vayner” will likely be a popular costume on campus this year.

One Metro North ticket to New Haven for Oct. 31, please! If we come out there, will someone throw a party?