For those who don’t remember, Vayner was the 2006 Yalie whose blustery and lie-filled video resume (“Impossible is Nothing”), fake charity, hedge-fund, and holocaust memoir took the Internet by storm after we dug up all sorts of hilarity. Good times… He threatened to sue us, leading to a highly-publicized online battle. Thanks for that, man. And since public self-promotion worked so well for you the first time, I’m sure this 4chan-style conference is a great idea, and that you’ll be taken very seriously. According to their website, ROFLCON is

Another two days and two nights of the most epic internet culture conference ever assembled. Informed commentators suggest that this may be the most important gathering of humanity since the fall of the tower of Babel. And yes, we’re still looking to get Goatse.

At least Goatse was up-front about where he stood. At the conference, Aleksey will be

discussing what he’s been up to since those fateful months, the issues around privacy online and crisis management, and recounting and reflecting on the experience of being swept up in the middle of the memetic storm.

Did somebody say “comeback”??? Aleksey, the only way you could get more IvyGate-y would be by marrying Lena Chen.

We’ll start with Pi Phi’s, a heady docudrama entitled “Pi Phi Girl,” which explores–through the lens of Gossip Girl, Mad-Libs, and mid-90’s pop hits–what it truly means to wear the Pi Phi crown. Feast your eyes:

“Right now… let’s see… I, gosh, I have a meeting with President Levin right now, he wants me to help him with this multi-billion dollar fundraising campaign. It’s superrr intense.”

Next we move onto Theta’s more overtly satirical “The T.A.” Some nerd/jock jokes… a bad Snooki impression… etc, yawn, etc… and OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THEY’RE CONJURING MAGIC ENERGY BALLS AND SHOOTING THEM AT AN EVIL COW! PLEASE SEE 4:21 IMMEDIATELY:

The time has come for you guys to make your energy balls. Take out your hands and place them in front of you, and think happy thoughts, and it will just come naturally. Don’t force it, Snooki, don’t force it! Think what you love!

After a few moments of speechlessness, we’re comfortable declaring a (totally objective) winner: Pi Phi all the way, baby. Not only have these young ladies provided us with great material in the past (“Heels. PRETTY HEELS.”), but their Rush video hits all the right notes: Snarky Rumpus editors, child brainwashing, Southern accents, sophomores I’ve been in section with, fur, sequins, an awkward unintentional flashing at 5:04, and of course, a “hey guys I heard you were stressed so I bought some cake and Diet Coke!!!!”? Check!

The cute slideshow at the end definitely seals the deal. At the risk of incineration at the hands of Theta’s energy balls, we’re confident in declaring: PPL 4eva guyz!

A few days ago, The New York Times reported that “Odd Man Out” – which delves into the particulars of “playing with racist, steroids-taking teammates, pitching for a profane, unbalanced manager and observing obscene behavior and speech” – contains evidence of “wide-ranging errors and misquotations”:

Several times in the book, which he devotes mostly to the antics of libidinous teammates and his manic manager, Tom Kotchman, McCarthy directly quotes people stating incorrect facts about their own lives and tells detailed (and mostly unflattering) stories about teammates who were in fact not on his team at the time. The book’s more outrageous scenes could not be independently corroborated or disproved; several teammates who were present said in interviews that they were exaggerated or simply untrue.

Is there a listing for “selective hearing” in the DSM-IV? More after the jump.

McCarthy recounts game sequences and player performances that were substantially different from what actually happened, including his own games. One scene describes Tony Reagins, the Angels’ director of player development, telling McCarthy that his contract is being restructured with incentive clauses. But a copy of McCarthy’s original contract, signed a week earlier, before he met Reagins, already included those clauses.

Embellishing scenes and conversations that cannot be proven is unethical but savvy; but lying about records? That’s just sloppy.

Aleksey Vayner is not, for example, the sort of guy you would expect to update his blog with pathetic little posts entitled “Best Way to Fight Fat!”  Well, maybe.  Like, if the best way to fight fat was to buy his nonexistent book, Millionaire’s Blueprint To Success.

But this?

Basically, if you are successful at losing weight, you’ll burn fewer calories per day then [sic.] someone of the same weight but who was not overweight and did not diet to shed pounds. This is one of many reasons you find it easier to gain weight (and then some) after you have just lost some weight.

Aleksey Vayner, is this who you really are?  A guy who blogs about fitness? Please God, no.

We at IvyGate are hoping that Aleksey has an ulterior motive for filling his blog with posts more boring than our course readers.  Because the other alternative is almost too frightening: Does Vayner think we care about bacteria that prevent cavities?  Does he think he can redeem his epic douchebaggery and infamous megalomania with boring-ass blog posts?  Has the man, the legend, the asshat known as Aleksey Vayner just…given up?

We never thought we’d say this, but Aleksey Vayner, you disappoint us.

I heard from a friend who knew him before his stupendous rise to tool-dome [sic] via video that he’s married. No details except the waif like…blonde in is [sic] facebook picture is apparently the lucky lady.

There you have it. Vayner has not yet reponded to Ivygate’s request for comment. Could it be that the attractive blonde in the above facebook picture is Mrs. Vayner? If true, this is easily Vayner’s greatest accomplishment.

Aleksey Vayner — batshit megalomaniac, irrepressible fabulist, and mighty douchebag of legend — is baaaack. And he’s learned nothing. If you visit his website directly (www.alekseyvayner.com), there’s nothing to see, but click the directory “test,” and you’re granted access to the innermost scheming of Vayner’s non-existent soul. It appears to be a terrible rough draft of something possibly even more terrible.

What do you do after you become an internet phenom, subject to interweb-wide flogging and public humiliation? If you’re Vayner, you proceed as though basically nothing has happened. You insist on the genius of the “Impossible is Nothing” video by disregarding the “mockery” from the “the kids in the bloggosphere [sic]” and claiming the just fruits of “international publicity” for having “created a marketing peace [yes, that's another sic] of himself.” 

The website’s main point is ostensibly to promote Vayner’s (theoretically) forthcoming book Millionaires’ Blueprint to Success (remember his previously forthcoming book? His Holocaust memoir?). Suspiciously, the cover is almost an exact copy of the similarly titled Secrets of the Millionaire’s Mind by T. Harv Eker. I’m sure the contents are totally different though. Is this kid retarded?

Also, a tipster notes certain design similarities between Vayner’s website and Tim Ferriss’s website, mutual douchebaggery aside (check out the buttons). Of course much of the website is unfinished — “Comming soon [sic]” is plastered all over the place. Is this website fake? It could be, but we don’t think so. The site’s frequent and amusing deficiencies of language are consistent with Vayner’s poor grasp of English. It’s just over-the-top enough to be Vayner and just restrained enough to hint at lessons still unlearned. It’s also registered in his name.

After the jump — choice excerpts from Vayner’s totally modest and not-obviously-made-up life-story (“Aleksey Vayner’s story is one of discipline and perseverance thought the hardships of immigration”), a damning cover comparison between Millionaires’ Blueprint to Success and Secrets of the Millionaire’s Mind, and a few screen-shots for good measure.

Here are the respective covers of The Millionaires’ Blueprint to Success and Secrets of the Millionaire’s Mind. Are they the same? You be the judge. (Nah, just kidding, I’m the judge, and they’re almost identical!)

From Aleksey’s self-ghostwritten biography:

Aleksey Vayner first received international publicity as a student at Yale University when he created a marketing peace of himself – a video, titled Impossible is Nothing, where he summed up his view on ’success’ and showcased some of his athletic pursuits. He received his share of mockery from kids in the bloggosphere, but more notably, was featured in NY Times, interviewed by Yale herald, and appeared on MsNBC News and 20/20. CBS News’ The Early Show segment on video resumes, Video Resumes Get The Job Done, credited Aleksey Vayner for opening people’s eyes to the idea, “creating a more powerful, authentic method to connect with a potential employer,” and potentially making the 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper an “endangered species.”

Yeah that’s the ticket — “creating a more, powerful, authentic method” to embarass yourself in front of tens of millions of people…

The early years:

The youngest of three siblings, Aleksey is born in Tashkent, Uzbekistan to Ph.D. parents. His father, abusive to the family, indulges in hobbies that included professional rock climbing, Olympic-level swimming, and skiing. “From a very early age I followed suit, climbing a lot, and spending winters skiing – training under his friend who was even better at skiing,” says Aleksey. The abuse of the father does not last, and to cope with the impending divorce Aleksey’s mother proceeds to occupy his mind and time with every extra-curricular activity possible; soccer, swimming, ping-pong, skiing, martial arts, tennis – you name it; Aleksey sticks with the later three. His tennis coach suggests he plays a soccer goalie because Aleksey cannot run.”

This stuff about the “abuse of the father” is extremely interesting (both grammatically and psychologically), as is his mother’s attempt to occupy young Aleksey with a overwhelming range of activities in order to “cope with the impending divorce.” Is this the root of Vayner’s pathology? Is his insecurity over an absent father the cause of his obsessional compulsion to create a mythology around himself? — around his de facto bastardy? Is his father’s lack of validation why Aleksey is continually driven to secure it from others, going to outlandish lengths to do so (video, resume, book, website)? Hey Dad, look at me, you can come back now (?).

On coming to America: 

Leaving Tashkent we each had a bag of clothing, but mine was stolen out of our cabin on our way to Moscow,” explains Aleksey. Furnishing their subbasement room, clothing and feeding himself from the garbage heaps marked his new life in America. “I remember the first New Year we had in the U.S. We had 4 large ripe oranges on the table that my mom found on the site of a street – nothing else. A series of events and humiliation that I felt for my mom and sis as the result of such poverty made me vow that we will never experience such financial strain ever again. Obsessed with the lifestyle of the affluent businessmen and professional athletes, Aleksey begins to study in detail what they do and how they do it.”

What the hell? Four large ripe oranges? Food from a garbage heap? A “subbasement”? Is that even a thing? Also, isn’t this basically the plot of Gone With the Wind with a little Great Gatsby thrown in for good measure?

Some Yale memories:

Aleksey Vayner is recruited to Ivy Leagues, of which he chooses Yale University. During freshman year he recalls nearly failing introductory macroeconomics because he was up for 3 days developing a high probability derivative strategy based off of the Black-Scholles options pricing model. “It was crazy, I could really create options spreads to hit the wings of the bell, and take profits with an average probability of 96%!”

Yeah, that sounds really crazy. Can someone who knows economics tell us if this is BS?

The present:

While at Yale University Aleksey picked up ballroom dancing and weight lifting, but maintained his focus on his core sports, and his extracurricular studies of investment management and personal development. By graduation he has competed in ballroom, leg pressed 1650lbs, bench pressed 520lbs, started 3 businesses and a non-profit organization. Aleksey Vayner is a registered investment advisor with Securities and Exchange Commission. He is pending Certified Financial Planner and Certified Financial Analyst certifications. Aleksey is a member of USTA, ISBDF, ADFPF, SCIP, National Association of Public Speakers, and National Writers Association.”

Questions? Comments? Aleksey’s a busy man, but feel free:

Before contacting me, please check out my blog. It is likely that your question has been answered in one of the entries. If that is not the case, you can send an email to askaleksey@alekseyvayner.com. The more constructive the inquiry, the more likely it is to be forwarded to me directly by the site administrator. I can’t always respond to questions personally (though at times I do)…let alone in a timely fashion -but a frequently asked question is likely to appear in my blog entry.

Unfortunately, as he’s already a millionaire and an insane person, Aleksey probably doesn’t have time for you.

Here’s a screenshot of his homepage, here’s one of his (auto)biography, and here’s his very special contact info. The last lists Christian P. Stueben as the contact for inquiries regarding the video “Impossible is Nothing.” Is this Aleksey’s agent? High-powered lawyer? Not exactly. According to FindLaw, Christian P. Stueben is a personal-injury attorney based in Fort Lee, NJ.

He’s been shopping his new resume (take a look) around to various NYC-funds, and has even gone to a couple interviews. According to Dealbreaker, he came off as “personable, chatty, and laid back.” Of course he also claimed to have been about to go pro in tennis…at the US Open…until his doubles-partner broke his wrist two hours before his first match. Drat! Those preternatural coincidences can be a real bitch. (You know, it’s not even funny any more; it’s just sad.)

Looking at his resume, we can see what Aleksey has been doing with his time off from Yale. He completed some certs — RIA, CFA (help! what are these?) — from online shop Boston Institute of Finance, and is living currently in Kips Bay, an area of Manhattan about which we know literally nothing.

He also claims to have authored a book, Millionaires’ Blueprint to Success, whose anticipated publication date is Summer ‘08, which means some yet unknown guest-editor will be reviewing it probably

Know something about this?

For this Sunday’s Washington Post, IvyGate founders/editors emeriti/slavedrivers Nick Summers and Chris Beam have penned an op-ed both wistful and erotic. As the screen grab shows, we’ve got a title confirmed, “Going Home Alone,” but the tracklist has yet to leak. It will appear in the Post’s Outlook section — the poor man’s Week In Review — awkwardly near George Will’s weekly socio-political history lesson. Then they’ll discuss the article in a washingtonpost.com session Monday at noon ET. All this is to say that by Monday around 1 p.m., we’ll know Nick and Chris’ sexual histories very well.

Check into IvyGate Sunday for the official op-ed reception. This means we’ll sloppily post the op-ed, and Nick and Chris probably won’t answer your questions. Instead they’ll sit back and watch as commenters somehow start debating whether Barnard is part of Columbia within half an hour. “Well tut tut and fiddle-dee-fum,” they’ll muse, a bittersweet raspiness cloaking their aged voices. “How we do miss the commenters at IvyGate.”

And if that’s not enough, we’ll try to post more hot pictures of Casper (by popular demand) with Nick and Chris’ op-ed. Nothing has ever been as important as this upcoming blockbuster post. Eh, maybe this.

Actually, it’s not that cool for Zach, either.  (Did you really think he’d get off so easily?) Now he’s the laughingstock of Wall Street blog DealBreaker, where former co-workers are dishing on how “totally full of it” the alleged wunderkind was.  Some claim Michaelson never even held the position “portfolio manager.”  Then again, his CNBC interview billed him “global portfolio manager specializing correlation modeling seeking trades that are at once global, macro, and relative value,” so the two-word title is a sin of omission, if anything.  DealBreaker readers have already christened Zach the next Aleksey Vayner.  Impossible is nothing?  Or a ridiculously ill-timed job loss, paired with the modicum of tool-itude we have come to expect from basically everyone on Wall Street — especially the young hot ones?

We were inclined towards the latter and willing to give Zach a break.  But then one of his Kappa Sigma brothers from Penn wrote in:

He was… kicked out of the house for trying to start a fight with his roommate with a hammer because his roommate was smoking in the room.  When his roommate pushed him away, Michaelson called the police.  He also threatened to expose violations by the House if we didn’t let him live in the chapter house.

Silly boy — homoerotic frat fights are for paddles, not hammers!  Sources conflict as to whether Michaelson was kicked out, or quit as soon as he realized he could not secure the 5 (out of about 40) votes necessary to maintain house residency.  We’re still wondering how assault with a deadly weapon and the threat of blackmail amounted to the support of a single Kappa Sig (apparently there were three).

View Michaelson’s CNBC interview and more “Top 30 Under 30″ tidbits, after the jump.

Michaelson on CNBC:

And in Trader Monthly’s companion website, Trader Daily:

(Drawbridge Relative Value Fund is part of Fortress Investment. We hear there’s also a Dungeons & Dragons Hybrid Hedge Fund and Princess Toadstool Macro Exchange.) –MAUREEN O’CONNOR

In case you were wondering, the computers were stolen from the Yale College Dean’s Office — hey, did someone forget to lock the door? — on July 17. Apparently the ‘puters were password-protected, but we’re hedging our bets that the password is “h@rv@rd$uck$01” or something. Yale says the computers were probably stolen to be sold, as if the computers in university administrative offices are worth far more than the MacBook Pros and the Dell XPS laptops that students regularly leave lying around campus.

Um, yeah. Oh, and the kicker?

“The lost files had not been maintained for any purpose,” Yale spokesman Tom Conroy said in the Yale Daily News, “but were overlooked in the University’s efforts at reducing the amount of personal information it holds.”

Um, nice work, guys. Spring cleaning ended months ago. Of course, Yale sent out letters warning individuals to check bank and credit reports, but chances are whoever made off with the numbers — which probably includes Aleksey Vayner’s and suddenly justifies the theft — is already high-tailin’ it for the border…or Cambridge. (Or Princeton?) – ANDREW NUSCA