I’m a bit of a scrooge when it comes to college a cappella. I can’t really explain it — something about the silly costumes, choreography and bubbly enthusiasm just, well, gets to me.

How thrilled I was, then, to get a fresh perspective, when the Indo-Asian News Service’s first-hand account of a Yale Whiffenpoofs concert showed up in my news alerts.

The self-described “uninitiated” reporter, who attended the American Embassy’s 4th of July celebration in New Delhi, delivers some inspiring reporting:

The Whiffenpoofs stood in a semi-circle and sang mostly in old-fashioned harmony using their voices and finger-taps as rhythm beats. The concert was interspersed with wisecracks and jokes about the fabled rivalry between Yale and its high-brow adversary, the Harvard University.

Indeed, as I read the article, I realized I had vastly underappreciated a cappella, especially this particular group. Not only did the Whiffenpoofs finger-tap their own rhythm beats, they even managed to slip in that classic jab about how many the Harvard University students it takes to screw in a lightbulb. It must have been quite a performance.

The article continues:

The songs were simple melodies about everyday life of college gentlemen-of the pubs, the beers, girls and contemporary global issues. For instance, ‘Gentlemen rankers’, one of the Whiffenpoof’s early compositions talks about the ‘godforsaken troops in her majesty, the empress of England’s service during the world war in the colonies’.

This, however, made me upset at the Whiffenpoofs. Contemporary global issues like the empress of England’s troops in the colonies are too sensitive right now to be sung about. God save the Empress!

After the jump, the article in full.

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Penn’s Chord on Blues, our favorite a cappella group ever, have graciously decided to respond to the great distinction they’ve earned on these pages:

We would like to thank the employees of IvyGate, and all of its readers for voting for us. We never imagined that our group would receive such an awesome honor. We definitely deserved it. Admittedly, a few members of Chord on Blues did vote for us, but we won by such a landslide that it made no difference.

To those groups who dared oppose us we say, step it up. Even your combined badness paled in comparison to our  one performance. We’ll be back again next year and if the quality of your performance has not declined we will surely kick your ass again just as easily as we did this year. I mean c’mon guys (and girls) we put no effort into that performance and we absolutely destroyed you. Good luck, you need it.

Thanks again, and if you are in the Philadelphia area in late March or early April be sure to check out our show. Tickets are $7 on the walk $8 at the door.

Rock on, Chords! 

Let’s be honest: There’s no way Penn’s Chord on Blues can lose this tournament. Including them was necessary, but it also spoiled the curve, as it were. We want to make these finals interesting, however, so we’re going to… hmm… “tweak” the rules:

The Worst A Cappella Group in the Ivy League Tournament Finals

Penn’s Chord on Blues vs. **THE COMBINED BADNESS** of Cornell’s Absolute A Cappella and Dartmouth’s Cords

When: Right now through Monday at noon

Where: After the jump

It’s the only way. 

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Welcome to the semifinals, dearest IvyGate readers! All of the groups have been introduced, and half of them have been destroyed forever. In the final two first round matches yesterday, the #7 Princeton Roaring 20 upset the #2 Brown Jabberwocks, 64% to 36%. It was a shocking rebuke to what we thought was an algebraically infallible seeding system — we put a whole four minutes into picking the bracket Monday afternoon, you people! *Tears.* Anyway, in yesterday’s other match and the closest to date, #3 Absolute A Cappella (Cornell) edged off #6 Living Water (Yale), 58% to 42%. It appears from the comments that Living Water presented a quandary for voters — they were competent, but they also kept singing about the blood of Christ. And as we all know, Jesus gets no love on Halloween.

Semis, after the jump. 

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Welcome to Day Two! Day One featured two landslides, with #1, Penn’s Chord on Blues, trouncing #8, Harvard’s Fallen Angels by like 70 percent. Dartmouth’s Cords (#4) also steamrolled the competition and beat Columbia’s Nonsequitur (#5) by like 70 percent too. Thanks for playing, Harvard and Columbia!

But let us celebrate not! We must trudge forth with today’s matches, however aurally painful that becomes. One of today’s contestants will introduce two thus-far overlooked a cappella tropes: white rapping and beatboxing. LOTS of both.

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Since our declaration of war on Sex and the Ivy a cappella Tuesday, we’ve received enough delicious YouTube submissions to feed a third-world country. But we want to feed AMERICA, so send more! These videos are obnoxiously easy to find; just search anything in Google Video, like “hey” or “bum bum” or something, and at least the first 37 videos will be of Ivy League a cappella troupes being stupid.

Missed the original post? Too lazy to click the link? Understandable. Quick catch-up: IvyGate is holding an 8-team “Worst A Capella Group in the Ivy League” tournament all next week. Competitors will be chosen based on one embarrassing/poorly edited YouTube submission of a performance, and we’re not ashamed to use these single clips as qualifiers for a group’s universal shittiness. So please send all YouTube video links to ivygate@gmail.com by TOMORROW EVENING.

Here’s a sample from one of the submissions we received. Showing it now has no bearing on whether it will make the tournament or not, it’s just… well hopefully you’ll understand why we’re holding the tournament after watching. This one gets REALLY good around 1:12:

Wait till you see another group’s “Ducktales” video!

Hal, Jacob and Maureen are making me post something to keep my cushy “Contributing Editor” title, so (a) fuck them and (b) let’s have a tournament requiring MANY posts!

[RANT ALERT: Skip the next paragraph to get to tournament details, if you so please].

We have voiced our (my) dislike for a cappella groups on this site before, but allow us to explain further. If you go to an Ivy League university, you’re more than aware of these mostly talentless schmucks, because you probably have lived with at last one — I know I did. Each school has like 75 billion of them, and they all have wretchedly unpunny names like “The Penny Loafers” (Penn) or, of course, “The Bear Necessities” (Brown). About once a semester, your friends in a cappella groups force you to see their pathetic little concerts during time that you could spend better by doing, I don’t know, anything else. Some bizarre video — usually made on iMovie by a chimpanzee — always introduces each troupe. Then comes the opening song, which almost always is by Journey, Bon Jovi or Queen (for lady groups, Sarah McLachlan or Alanis Morisette). The “best” groups have two people that can sing, the other members just go “BUM BUM BUM BUM” in the background. ‘Cause, you know, “BUM BUM BUM BUM” is definitely an improvement on an original song’s use of instruments. Then they have an after party where they continue to sing, to sing, to sing…

Only mockery in tournament form can properly destroy them. So by this Friday, submit nominations (YouTube videos) to ivygate@gmail.com. We will wade through the submitted videos over the weekend and select (probably) the eight worst, so there will (probably) be one for each school. Then all of next week we will hold head-to-head matches to determine the winner based on your votes. SUBMIT NOMINATIONS NOW YOU LOVELY PEOPLE!

Let’s make them stop singing — together. 

Last Monday, we posted an invitation to “The Masquerade,” a formal Yale party which sought the company of an elite group of freshmen. Directives to meet at “NINE THIRTY POST MERIDIEM” and to “TELL NO ONE AND DO NOT BE LATE” usually signify a hoax, but this was at Yale, one of the one places in the world that such pretentious secrecy can be taken in earnest.

As our commenters noted, however, “The Masquerade” was a prank — an annual one to boot. Certain freshmen Casper-aspirants — as determined by Facebook pretentiousness – would show only to find an upperclassmen society called the Pundits getting nakey-like. But this year, according to a source, very few went due to an anonymous e-mail dispersed to freshmen warning them of the Pundits’ penisy intentions.

The Pundits planned another of their usual pranks for Wednesday night, this one involving a cappella recruits (hate them so much…) and their stupid Tap Night. The invitation read as follows:

“Your musical talent has come to the attention of a very select group of singers. You are poised to join the ranks of the best musicians to pass through Yale’s gates. Congratulations. Please be at the Nathan hale statue on old campus promptly at 10 pm. Be in formal dress. All the singing groups will be notified of your location, to ensure that you will be tapped by the group of your choice. Tonight will be an evening to remember. Ad Harmoniam Perpetuandam, TTS [Top Tap Society]“

The same anonymous informer of “The Masquerade” e-mailed freshmen about the Pundits plans again:

“They will take you to some hard-to-find location and give you food and drink.  Meanwhile, they will play pranks on the singing group(s) that wish to tap you.”

Ooooh! Does this mean they surgically remove each of their larynxes? Where can I sign up??

Hmmph. What should we make of this anonymous informer — is he a hero, a buzzkill or just a Pundits reject? Or better yet, a Pundits mole…

After the jump, the anonymous informer’s latest e-mail to stupid a cappella wannabes.

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Hal, Jacob and I are still new on the job, so what better time to get to know each other better! In an effort to increase transparency, I’m going to run through a quick demonstration of how we kill time on slow news days, such as today. Then it’s your turn to tell us something personal about you, then we’re BFFAE.

Content is always only a few keystrokes away. Follow this simple formula to be an asshole blogger:

1. Find something that is irritating and ubiquitous in the Ivy League. A capella!

2. What Ivy League school have you not written much about? Brown!

3. Find the point where (1) and (2) might intersect. YouTube!

4. Since every answer to (3) is YouTube, search (1) + (2) and click on one of the first four videos. “a capella brown,” e.g.

5. Post result of (4) to IvyGate. Spin that shit:

I really, really hate a capella. Now you know something about me!

Some a cappella groups are at their best when they’re not singing. That’s not to say the Cornell Hangovers, a sub-group of the Cornell Glee Club, can’t make the sun shine and the bras unclasp with their dulcet tones. (You can judge for yourself here.) All we know is, if stardom eludes them, they can always fall back on careers making intro films for other a cappella groups.

Of course, it’s nearly impossible to make a bad film with the X-Men animated series theme song at your back. (Click that link, by the way. You won’t regret it)