“Every non-sage is mad” – Cicero
A “bizarre…incident” took place last week that proved at least some Cornell kids are on the search for higher knowledge this summer. On July 22nd, The Ithaca Voice reported that a marijuana pipe was found on campus by a custodian (or, as the police report phrased it, “drug paraphernalia”) (yes, they sent a Cornell police officer to investigate an abandoned pipe). The newsworthy–and hilarious–part of the story lies where the offending item was found: Cornell’s Sage Chapel. Given the evidence, we really can’t be sure that the kids weren’t just burning some incense in a linguistically appropriate location.
Janelle Hanson, an official with Cornell United Religious Workers, claims the incident is the first of its kind that she’s seen in her three years overseeing the chapel. She also expressed mystification as to how or why the pipe could have ended up there, and conjectured that “maybe they were just walking by and accidentally set it down when they were praying,” a response that makes us wonder if everyone’s trolling everyone here.
A Cornell police report deemed the case “closed,” which we feel was a sage decision on the part of the university. There should never be shame in communing with a higher power, especially in the search for some sage wisdom. We congratulate the unknown students for finding a far more ingenious place to search for divine inspiration than the tired rooftop/park/hotboxed dorm room. Who says you can’t reach new highs and execute clever wordplay? Although if they’d been smoking salvia, we’d be on a whole new plane of pun.
Sage has been used throughout history for warding off evil, snake bites, and increasing women’s fertility. It has also been lauded for its healing properties since the Middle Ages. The herb was sometimes referred to as “S. salvatrix,” or sage the savior.
Random facts about sage via Wikipedia
We’re about a month away from the official move-in date for the Yale College Class of 2018 and many of them are sitting at home pondering deep questions like “how big will my room be?” and “will I make friends?” Entering college is apparently the most terrifying experiencing one can go through—and Yale’s official guide for incoming students is no longer enough. Yale18 has all the answers you never needed and should not be looking for under any circumstances. Created by two members of the Class of 2017 and one from 2018 (what are you doing you haven’t even arrived on campus yet), Yale18 is basically a compilation of past “guides to freshman year,” an absurd Google Doc template to figure out where each one of your roommates is traveling from, and some links to free shit.
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The current issue of the New Republic features former Yale professor William Deresiewicz going on for 4000 words deriding the Ivy League and other “elite” schools. This is not unusual: Deresiewicz has done this before and probably will do so again (there’s freedom in not getting tenure, it seems). But with a solid clickbait headline, the article made the rounds on social media and we decided to address some of the fallacies and paradoxes presented in his TNR arguments. Join us.
ORFE Professor John Mulvey, who has been at Princeton since 1978, got a little too involved in the local community. You know those lawn signs proprietors put outside your house after doing work there? Mulvey’s allegedly been stealing them — 21 of them, valued at $471 total.
A recent Harper Poll showed what we’ve always known to be true: no one respects UPenn.
When Pennsylvanians were asked which of the major in-state universities they respect most, 24% picked Penn State, versus UPenn at 17% (tied with Carnegie Mellon for second-most respected).
Meanwhile, the DP attempted to get readers to send in pictures of their Independence Days using hashtag “#DPIndependenceDay”. It seems to be going well.
[Image via Harper Polling]
Today we’d like to throwback to 2010, when some benevolent Yalies traveled to South Africa for spring break to participate in Jamie Lachman’s, Y’98, “Clowns Without Borders South Africa.”
“We remove our [clown] noses, only to transfer them to the plush animal-shaped neck pillows we bought on impulse while waiting for our flight.
… We eleven Yalies could have built that teacher a new school and more with the combined cost of our plane tickets to South Africa. We hoped our trip amounted to more than simple self-indulgence, but sometimes we had trouble remembering why.”
[Notably, in the three days since this was tipped to us, the page was taken down, but archives preserved this pixel-y image. If you have pictures to share in future #tbts, email us at email@example.com]
This week at #AspenIdeas, former Harvard hall co-master (and current Yale Child Study Center lecturer) Erika Christakis talked about how Harvard students aren’t dating. A bunch of non-college students on the panel then set about debating why college students aren’t conforming to their standards and telling us how, once again, us dumb millennials are doing something wrong.
Tired of letting old people speak for us, IvyGate came up with a list of the real reasons Harvard students aren’t dating in the “traditional” sense:
- There’s no grade inflation in first impressions.
- Chances of ending up in someone’s tell-all memoirs a few years down the road are too high.
- You assholes keep telling us millennials aren’t serious enough so we’re focusing on serious things like class and shit instead of dates.
- Still waiting on line at a final club.
- That emo phase in middle school really drained us.
- Storing up on care-free sex while the school still pays for birth control.
- Only understand “romantic” in literary terms.
- The Cambridge Panera is always too crowded for dates.
- Can’t figure out if “having it all” means having a husband or having lots of casual sex.
- Rebelling against helicopter moms.
- The Winklevoss twins do not look like Armie Hammer in real life.
But the real reason Harvard kids aren’t going on dates? They’re too used to thinking once you get in you don’t have to expend any more effort.
Depending on your opinion, people have either been (a) getting their panties in a twist or (b) expressing some legitimate concerns over Facebook’s sinister-sounding “emotional contagion” research project, news of which hit the Internet in full force yesterday.
The week-long study, conducted in January 2012, selectively altered the news feeds of about 70,000 Facebook users by skewing the news, photos, and statuses they saw to either an overly positive or overly negative angle. And as various media outlets have frantically reported, turns out we are influenced by other people’s moods and the type of information we receive. Crazy.
While Facebook itself collected the data, the results of the study were analyzed by scientists at Cornell – and before the world could even point an accusing finger towards Ithaca, a well-timed press release from Cornell’s Media Relations Office was quick to shout, “don’t look at us, bro.”
tl;dr of the release: Cornell’s Professor Hancock only had access to the research results, so you don’t need to worry about the school keeping your alcohol-fueled depressive statuses in a database somewhere, waiting to be revealed Snowden-style. The decision was also made to not consult the Human Research Protection Program because Hancock “was not directly engaged in human research”; or, we’re all just meaningless numbers in the end.
Cornell: even when they try to reassure you, they somehow make you feel worse.
The New York Post and the New York Times have recently regaled us with delightful anecdotes about what Ivy League rejects and non-rejects did to gain admission into the school(s) of their dreams. College consultants are nothing new but the industry has reached such a level of absurdity that it seems like satire.
See Jill Tipograph, who runs “Everything Summer,” a combination travel agency/college consulting firm that helps parents figure out
which Third World Country should host their offspring for a few weeks a personalized summer itinerary for pre-college teens who need application essay material–for $300/hour. We wonder what Tipograph would have to say about the Yale applicant mentioned in the Times article, who forewent exotic travels in favor of a more… domestic experience:
“[Her essay] mentioned a French teacher she greatly admired. She described their one-on-one conversation at the end of a school day. And then, this detail: During their talk, when an urge to go to the bathroom could no longer be denied, she decided not to interrupt the teacher or exit the room. She simply urinated on herself.”
Would Everything Summer encourage this sort of behavior? What if you urinate on yourself and, AT THE SAME TIME, you’re climbing the Great Wall of China? God, we miss the days when you could just donate a blank check and be done with it (but, you know, the One Percent just isn’t what it used to be).
Essay ideas after the jump
This week, New York Magazine did a feature on the delicious DC summer interns, one of our favorite subsets of students. Of the 10 interns profiled, half of them (from our sleuthing) are Ivy Leaguers, hailing exclusively from Yale and Harvard — though this post in the very earnest “Yale in Washington Summer 2014” group may have had something to do with that slant:
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