The real reasons Harvard kids don’t date

This week at #AspenIdeas, former Harvard hall co-master (and current Yale Child Study Center lecturer) Erika Christakis talked about how Harvard students aren’t dating. A bunch of non-college students on the panel then set about debating why college students aren’t conforming to their standards and telling us how, once again, us dumb millennials are doing something wrong.

Tired of letting old people speak for us, IvyGate came up with a list of the real reasons Harvard students aren’t dating in the “traditional” sense:

  • There’s no grade inflation in first impressions.
  • Chances of ending up in someone’s tell-all memoirs a few years down the road are too high.
  • You assholes keep telling us millennials aren’t serious enough so we’re focusing on serious things like class and shit instead of dates.
  • Still waiting on line at a final club.
  • That emo phase in middle school really drained us.
  • Storing up on care-free sex while the school still pays for birth control.
  • Only understand “romantic” in literary terms.
  • The Cambridge Panera is always too crowded for dates.
  • Can’t figure out if “having it all” means having a husband or having lots of casual sex.
  • Rebelling against helicopter moms.
  • The Winklevoss twins do not look like Armie Hammer in real life.

But the real reason Harvard kids aren’t going on dates? They’re too used to thinking once you get in you don’t have to expend any more effort.

Cornell: “Wasn’t Me”

Depending on your opinion, people have either been (a) getting their panties in a twist or (b) expressing some legitimate concerns over Facebook’s sinister-sounding “emotional contagion” research project, news of which hit the Internet in full force yesterday.

The week-long study, conducted in January 2012, selectively altered the news feeds of about 70,000 Facebook users by skewing the news, photos, and statuses they saw to either an overly positive or overly negative angle. And as various media outlets have frantically reported, turns out we are influenced by other people’s moods and the type of information we receive. Crazy.

While Facebook itself collected the data, the results of the study were analyzed by scientists at Cornell – and before the world could even point an accusing finger towards Ithaca, a well-timed press release from Cornell’s Media Relations Office was quick to shout, “don’t look at us, bro.”

tl;dr of the release: Cornell’s Professor Hancock only had access to the research results, so you don’t need to worry about the school keeping your alcohol-fueled depressive statuses in a database somewhere, waiting to be revealed Snowden-style. The decision was also made to not consult the Human Research Protection Program because Hancock “was not directly engaged in human research”; or, we’re all just meaningless numbers in the end.

Cornell: even when they try to reassure you, they somehow make you feel worse.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done to get into college?

The New York Post and the New York Times have recently regaled us with delightful anecdotes about what Ivy League rejects and non-rejects did to gain admission into the school(s) of their dreams. College consultants are nothing new but the industry has reached such a level of absurdity that it seems like satire.

See Jill Tipograph, who runs “Everything Summer,” a combination travel agency/college consulting firm that helps parents figure out which Third World Country should host their offspring for a few weeks a personalized summer itinerary for pre-college teens who need application essay material–for $300/hour. We wonder what Tipograph would have to say about the Yale applicant mentioned in the Times article, who forewent exotic travels in favor of a more… domestic experience:

“[Her essay] mentioned a French teacher she greatly admired. She described their one-on-one conversation at the end of a school day. And then, this detail: During their talk, when an urge to go to the bathroom could no longer be denied, she decided not to interrupt the teacher or exit the room. She simply urinated on herself.”

Would Everything Summer encourage this sort of behavior? What if you urinate on yourself and, AT THE SAME TIME, you’re climbing the Great Wall of China? God, we miss the days when you could just donate a blank check and be done with it (but, you know, the One Percent just isn’t what it used to be).

Essay ideas after the jump

Yale & Harvard Will Always Have DC

This week, New York Magazine did a feature on the delicious DC summer interns, one of our favorite subsets of students. Of the 10 interns profiled, half of them (from our sleuthing) are Ivy Leaguers, hailing exclusively from Yale and Harvard — though this post in the very earnest “Yale in Washington Summer 2014” group may have had something to do with that slant:

Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s all transfer to Harvard now

According to the New York Times, ousted executive editor Jill Abramson will be returning to her alma mater (and tattoo inspiration), teaching narrative nonfiction this fall at Harvard. Nonfiction writing majors across the Ivy League collectively shrieked in jealousy. We’ve reached out to admins at Harvard and will update if we get more information.

If you make it into her class next semester, put your narrative nonfiction skills to good use and tell us all about it–and let us know if she follows that great Harvard tradition: grade inflation. Hit us up tips@ivygateblog.com

Update 1:50PM Harvard made the announcement as well, confirming Abramson will be teaching undergraduates in the fall and spring. Undergrad Program Administrator Lauren Bimmler told IvyGate that the classes “are open by application to undergraduates and graduate students” and, of course, “[w]e’re very excited to have her!”

Fake Princeton till you make it

David Brat, who shockingly beat Eric Cantor in yesterday’s primaries, notes in his campaign site that he “tested his rural values against the intellectual elite while at Princeton.” But as The Washington Post figured out, like a Barnard student who says she goes to Columbia on Facebook, Brat didn’t actually go to Princeton.

WaPo reached out to Princeton, who told them they do not have Brat on record as a student. Sure, Brat studied in the town of Princeton — at the Princeton Theological Seminary for his Master of Divinity. PTS was founded in 1812 and is a separate school from the Princeton we know and love. Per their site:

“The [Princeton] University still stands at the center of the community, but several other academic institutions known for excellence in their fields have joined it — the Westminster Choir College, the Institute for Advanced Study, the Center for Theological Inquiry, and, of course, the Seminary.”

Keep challenging those sinning intellectual elites, Brat.

[Screenshot from DaveBratForCongress]

Now Casting: Recent College Graduates Who Are Well-Educated and Underemployed

A casting associate at Leftfield Entertainment (bringing you Pawn Stars, RHONJ, etc.) reached out to us as they’re looking for highly educated, snarky, and entitled young people, and apparently we’re a good space to find them.

“If you recently graduated from a top-tier university and are working a job that’s SO beneath you, we want to hear from YOU!”

So are you a recent grad doing data entry or working retail, constantly repeating to yourself “I got an Ivy League degree for this?” ? Then you might be perfect for a new reality show in development for “a major cable network,” which is sure to boost your visibility and not get you fired from your current job.

If you’re bored doing nothing (or as we tell our parents, “freelancing”) in suburbia, send a quick description of yourself, your current job and education, and a recent picture to collegegradcasting@gmail.com. Joining the illustrious ranks of Ivy League reality stars will definitely improve your employability for the rest of your life, and we can’t wait to see the results.

[Image via Flickr]

Bloomberg doesn’t want to go to your stupid graduation

Michael R BloombergIt seems Columbia engineers have a new graduation tradition: getting rejected by former mayor Michael Bloomberg. A letter from the school’s dean, obtained by (IG contributor Skelding at) Capital extended an invitation to the former mayor to speak at graduation, which he declined. The letter details that he was asked last year, too, but couldn’t make it due to a scheduling conflict.

The day of last year’s graduation, he “hosted a Jewish heritage reception at Gracie Mansion and subsequently accepted a lifetime achievement award at the New York League of Conservation Voters’ Spring Gala,” per Capital, which is the same excuse we give when we don’t want to sit through a long ass boring ceremony wearing a polyester robe outside on a humid May afternoon.

So Bloomberg didn’t make it up to Morningside Heights, but at least he didn’t offer to speak at Barnard graduation.

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

Harvard 2014 by the numbers

As Harvard’s Class of 2014 steps out to make their way in the world, they leave behind some priceless facts culled from the annual senior survey. In the spirit of celebration and congratulations, The Crimson faithfully reported on the senior class’ politics, porn habits, and virginity status. The email survey sent out among the graduates received over 700 responses, providing an idiosyncratic and color coded picture of the Harvard lifestyle — “extracurriculars” and all. Some of our favorite highlights below:

  • We’ll start with a real shocker: of the seniors immediately entering employment post-graduation (70% of the class), 31% will work for finance and consulting companies.
  • In another unexpected twist, nearly all employment fields showed an unequal starting salary among men and women: women going into technology or engineering report a salary of $50,000 and $69,999, while the men entering the same fields report between $90,000 and $109,999.

Sextracurriculars and more after the jump

Princeton Reunions 2014, visualized

Princeton Reunions, a carnival of bacchanalia replete with old white men singing a capella and drinking from handles, hit central Jersey this weekend. IvyGate correspondents on the ground sent in updates and photos, featured here. Highlights included a surprise concert by Flo Rida, thrown by the class of 1989 on their 25th reunion — and open to all classes. A 101-year-old alum came by for the festivities, and fireworks shot out around campus. The Class of 2014 successfully stormed the field after the P-rade and sang Old Nassau, and non-Princetonians are still terribly confused by all of this. Congratulations to all of Princeton for upholding your single greatest tradition and we urge you to get some eggs and ginger ale and sober up.

Gallery after the jump