Yale “burns” Harvard in a pre-Game video challenge

Perhaps the highlight of college sporting events, the annual Harvard/Yale football game takes place this Saturday at Harvard Stadium in Boston. As the front pages of both school papers’ opinion columns announce, tensions are already rising in the form of snappy op-eds. (Have you heard, for instance, that Harvard killed the dinosaurs?)

For the past few years, Harvard comedy group “On Harvard Time” has released burn videos mocking the school’s arch-rival and seeding fear into the hearts of Yalies right before the great game. They’re usually pretty funny. This year, though, Yale has decided to retaliate with a viral challenge of its own, in a video that proves that while Yale students may boast the more adorable mascot, they really needs to work on their snark level – not to mention voiceover skills.

In the newly released “Harvard: Put Up or Shut Up,” an independently directed production, the Yale College Council throws down the gauntlet and shames Harvard students once and for all for their inferiorities, including:

They could not come up with that much.

BROWN: Campus Goose is your Mom away from Mom

Like this, but for forever.

College is celebrated as a place where, for the first time in your life, you don’t need your parents in order to survive on a daily basis. Small freedoms such as feeding yourself, doing your own laundry, and generally taking care of the life tasks required in order to be a human being become valuable stepping stones on the long road to quasi-adulthood. But if you’re at Brown University, you can stay on the warm-up bench of life for an extra couple of years, thanks to Campus Goose.

Campus Goose, the “one-of-a-kind concierge service” started last year and targeted towards Brown students, dedicates itself to services ranging from the “practical” – like rides to doctor’s appointments – to the “whimsical,” like delivering morning muffins, offering wake-up calls, or “discreetly checking in” on one’s wayward student who hasn’t Skyped home in the past 48 hours. (We’re imagining a mom in a bush with binoculars, twigs in her hair and peering into the Beta house on mixer night.) Think of it as your own local helicopter mom, only on really aggressive steroids.

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Guilty of Title IX Violation, Princeton Will Reexamine 11 Sexual Misconduct Cases

The Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights announced on November 5th that Princeton has been found guilty of a Title IX violation, prompting the university to review all of its sexual assault cases from the past three years. The OCR’s verdict stated that Princeton had not “promptly and equitably responded” to complaints of sexual violence, including harassment and assault. Along with the guilty verdict, the OCR announced a resolution for an agreement with Princeton to ensure further compliance with Title IX. Princeton’s policies and procedures in place to respond to cases of sexual assault at the time of the investigation were also not compliant with Title IX’s requirements. Much like Columbia’s Title IX complaint filed in April, OCR’s investigation was a response to complaints filed on behalf of students.

Princeton was prepared for the verdict.

The Dartmouth upholds standards of journalism: confuses bananas for dildos

Since 1799, The Dartmouth has prided itself on a long and illustrious history of professional student journalism and a commitment to ethical, objective reporting. In keeping with these standards, the newspaper published a correction to its October 17th front-page article that called for an end to the Greek system at the college. While it’s reassuring to know that the paper is upfront about its editorial errors, it’s less reassuring to hear that someone mixed up a potassium-rich fruit with a pretty high-tech sex toy:

Our only question: ejaculating dildo?

(h/t @romenesko)


UPDATE: We Found Another Anonymous Message About Jonathan Dach

After yesterday‘s post on the most damning piece of verse this decade, Christina (last name withheld for privacy), the former Rumpus editor Jonathan Dach was originally in contact with, forwarded me an anonymous message from April of last year:


———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Veritas <redacted>
Date: Monday, April 22, 2013
Subject: From Website Contact Form: Jonny dach book and snake
To: editors@yalerumpus.com

From: Veritas <redacted>
Subject: Jonny dach book and snake

Message Body:
Read carefully…jonny dach was the White House staffer who had a prostitute in his room during the “secret service ” scandal last year.  He told me this himself…my friend even called the Hilton in Cartagena and confirmed he was checked in there.   His daddy Leslie dach, google him, has massive influence and had WH cover it up in return for favors.   Jonny bragged about this to me!

This mail is sent via contact form on Rumpus http://www.yalerumpus.com


She never forwarded it to me last year and considering most of the messages that come in through that contact form are Russian spam or marketing bots, I didn‘t see or notice it during the transition period at the end of that spring semester. Christina herself had forgotten about it until she went searching for her original email exchange with Dach and found this instead. 

Leslie Dach, Jonny Dach’s father, does indeed have massive influence“–he is the former Executive Vice President of Corporate Affairs & Government Relations for Wal-Mart (oy), prominent Democratic donor, and a current senior counselor for the Department of Health and Human Services. 

I emailed the Gmail account attached to Veritas but received a domain error (again, if you are the author of this message, please email tips@ivygateblog.com). The date of this message is about two weeks before the other comments timestamp–perhaps Dach got a little too drunk during an end-of-the-year Yale Law School celebration and bragged” about it to our now-famous poet?

Somebody Tipped Me Off About Jonathan Dach a Year Ago With this Weird-Ass Poem

The Washington Post has just published a lengthy report regarding allegations that the White House covered up a volunteer’s role in the 2010 Colombia prostitution scandal. The Post has identified that volunteer as Jonathan Dach, a recent graduate of Yale Law School and Yale College. Dach allegedly brought a prostitute back to his room in Cartagena, and though the White House denied that any of their team members were involved in the scandal two years ago, hotel records examined by the Post reveal that Dach did sign in a female overnight guest (prostitution is legal in certain parts of Colombia‪; the hotel requires ID to make sure they are not underage).

This came as no surprise to me because this entire story had been told in an anonymous comment on a Yale Rumpus article over a year ago. Full disclosure: I have been on the Rumpus staff since my freshman year and served as its Editor-in-Chief during the 2013-2014 school year. During the transitionary period at the end of the Spring 2013 semester, I was fucking around on the website’s WordPress account, looking through old posts and comments, and discovered the following.

Posted by “Sarah“ from a Hushmail account on May 5th, 2013 on the 2012 Secret Society Issue, the annual roster release of Yale’s secret societies:


Found 100 copies of this poem at a printnow…Who/what is this?



Little Jonny Dach
With his little Jonny cock
Has a secret he wants no one to know…


He once took a trip
Attached to Obama’s hip
Off to Colombia he did go…


The plane barely touched down
when out on the town
Little Jonny decided to play…
A young Colombian girlie
Had his tongue wagging thoroughly
He dug into his pocket and paid…


Off to the room
With no sign of doom
Little Jonny, well, he lasted seconds…
With a giggle she left,
And he, feeling bereft,
Washed his crotch since his day it still beckoned..


Then a media bomb
And it didn’t take long
for the White House to turn out a tale…
“An error!” they claimed
“A number glitch!” they did blame
There is no one but agents to assail!


Once again Daddy’s power
Saved little Jonny in a dark hour
But the Service will soon grab your ear…


You see, Skull and Bones, Book and ‘Snakes’,
You children play at the game of intell.
There is a lesson you will learn
When true heroes are burned
Their enemies are marched into hell…


So listen up Yale and Harvard and such
Your shit it doth stinketh the same
When the day is long over
And Daddy Leslie is covered in clover
They will wish they never played this game.


I promptly googled Dach and, at the time, the only other relevant mention of him online was this New Yorker article about volunteer drivers for the presidential motorcade. I thought about placing a call to the Hilton Cartagena Hotel, realized that I didn’t know how to place an international call that wouldn’t result in massive overcharge on my phone bill, and promptly forgot about it in the rush of finals.

I hadn’t thought about it until January of this year, when Dach reached out to Rumpus to ask that the comment be removed. He had been forwarded to me by the prior Editor-in-Chief (Christina, in this thread). An excerpt of the email exchange is below:


Subject: Rumpus post
Andrea Villena <andrea.villena@yale.edu> Fri, Jan 17, 2014 at 4:02 PM
To: Jonathan Dach <redacted>

Christina forwarded your message to me. I haven’t received any emails from you in my inbox or spam folder (did you spell my name correctly?) but I’ve gone ahead and blocked the comment from the site. I don’t enjoy removing things from the Rumpus website and I’m not sure why Master Laurans contacted you so recently considering that comment has been up for probably months. I’m rather busy at the moment so I’ve just gone ahead and resolved your complaint.



Jonathan Dach <redacted> Fri, Jan 17, 2014 at 5:13 PM
To: Andrea Villena <andrea.villena@yale.edu>

Andrea, thanks very much for removing the two identical comments–and sorry to have had to ask. I was editor of The New Journal and would have been similarly unenthusiastic about taking something off out [sic] website. I hope it was okay in this instance since it was a user’s comment and unrelated to any Rumpus content. And I really do appreciate it.

Not sure how the two e-mails went awry but also grateful you deleted the posts so quickly once Christina put us in touch.

Hope the semester is off to a good start!



It should be noted that in his original message to the prior EIC, he never denounces the poem as false—he calls it “strange and vituperative,“ but not false. I did feel bad for him, as the comment showed up as the second search result on “Jonny Dach.“ But I didn’t delete entirely‪; I hid it from view and the comment remained on the back end of the website, as part of the WordPress comment tracker.

The poem isn’t particularly impressive in its rhyme scheme but it does get eerie around the seventh stanza (I checked the Rumpus archives, and the 2008 society issue lists Dach as a member of Book and Snake). It’s a weird call to arms against privileged assholes, perhaps written by a surly Secret Service agent who’s mad this kid got away with it (if you are the author or know who it is, please email tips@ivygateblog.com). It’s unclear whom those 100 copies were meant for or where they ended up but perhaps this post will give that author the recognition they were so desperately craving. Ultimately, I believe the blame lies with the White House for covering it up, not Dach—go ahead and hire a prostitute if it’s legal. It’s dumb but, as a non-essential team member, not the biggest threat to national security.

Dach now works as a full-time policy adviser in the Office on Global Women’s Issues for the U.S. State Department.

Cornell Names Its First Female President

courtesy of the University of Southern California

Elizabeth Garrett, currently the provost for the University of Southern California, has been approved by the Board of Trustees to become the next president of Cornell University, following a six-month search by the Presidential Search Committee. Current President David J. Skorton is leaving the post to become the next secretary of the Smithsonian Institution.


“I am honored to have been selected as the next leader of this remarkable institution,” Garrett said in a statement released by the University. “Cornell is one of the world’s truly great universities, with a stellar commitment to excellence in teaching, research, scholarship and creative activity, linked with a deep commitment to public engagement. I am excited to join the Cornell community and to work with the faculty, staff, students and alumni to chart the next chapter in its illustrious history.”


Garretts appointment comes at a turning point in the Cornells history as the university nears its 150th anniversary and the planned construction of the very futuristic-looking 2.1 million tech campus on Roosevelt Island, set to open in 2017.


Garretts term will officially begin July 1, 2015.

Cornell Students Getting Hit in Paintball Drive-By Shootings

Police in Ithaca are stumped as town residents are being shot by paintballs from a moving vehicle.

According to two press releases issued by the Cornell police, several students were hit in paintball attacks between September 4 and 12. “Over the past week Cornell Police have received several reports of students being targeted with a paintball gun discharged from a moving vehicle. In all cases, students reported seeing a black or dark-colored sedan drive by them as they were struck by a paintball.” None have sustained any serious injuries.

To make this situation sound even more like the plot of a B movie, no one knows what the shooter looks like. According to Cornell police, “[t]here is no further description of the vehicle or any of its occupants.”

Police have yet to announce if the ongoing investigation has yielded any results. In the meantime, Cornell students should take precaution in case of a paintball attack by wearing thick clothing and carrying large umbrellas.

Judging from the lack of coverage and online discussion, Cornell seems oddly okay with this turn of events. A Cornell Sun article about the drive-by shootings barely goes into more detail than the initial police alerts, and tweets from students poke fun at the incidents.

The fact that a serial paintball shooter appears to be the most wanted man in Ithaca says something about the level of crime in the region. So even if other Ivies might make fun of Cornell for its rustic sensibilities, at least Ithaca has crime statistics that would make Yale jealous.

Trouble in Squirrel Paradise: Bwog’s Internal Discord and Messy Journalism

(Full disclosure: Alexandra Avvocato is Bwog’s former managing editor.)

Yesterday evening, Bwog’s Features Editor Alexander Pines, Columbia ’16, announced his resignation from the board of Columbia’s primary news blog. His decision immediately followed Bwog’s coverage of a protest held on campus by Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP). In the 24-hour period after the publication of this post, the actions taken by Bwog’s board in response to a student’s safety concerns prompted Pines to immediately step down from the organization.

In an interview with IvyGate, Pines, formerly one of the four head editors on Bwog, narrated the events that led to his resignation on Friday morning. Regardless of which party is most at fault here, the internal problems of Bwog’s board have, at least on one occasion, affected its day-to-day operations and editorial consistency. (Although, to be fair, this is a blog that never took itself too seriously.)

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James Franco Returns to Yale


Proving that graduate school has more value as performance art than career advancement, part-time actor James Franco is back at Yale to continue his Ph.D studies in English Literature. According to his favorite publication, the Rhodes Scholar has been dropping by various sections of Major English Poets, a lovingly hated, required undergraduate course for English majors. A nine-time Oscar nominee, Franco has been known to draw on the works of Chaucer and Spenser as inspiration for such engrossing roles as James Franco in This Is the End and James Franco in Creepy Instagram Nudes.


We are breathlessly awaiting to see the Presenting: the Democratic Nominee for Presidential Candidate 2016, James Franco! ’s live-action sci-fi adaptation of The Faerie Queene.


(Ed. Note: If you have blurry pictures of Marina-Abramovic’s stunt double, James Franco, walking around New Haven, send them to tips@ivygateblog.com)