Pro Princeton Prof Lawn Vigilante


ORFE Professor John Mulvey, who has been at Princeton since 1978, got a little too involved in the local community. You know those lawn signs proprietors put outside your house after doing work there? Mulvey’s allegedly been stealing them — 21 of them, valued at $471 total.

Say what?!

We are…not Penn State


A recent Harper Poll showed what we’ve always known to be true: no one respects UPenn.

When Pennsylvanians were asked which of the major in-state universities they respect most, 24% picked Penn State, versus UPenn at 17% (tied with Carnegie Mellon for second-most respected).

Meanwhile, the DP attempted to get readers to send in pictures of their Independence Days using hashtag “#DPIndependenceDay”. It seems to be going well.

[Image via Harper Polling]

#tbt And Yale Laughed

Today we’d like to throwback to 2010, when some benevolent Yalies traveled to South Africa for spring break to participate in Jamie Lachman’s, Y’98, “Clowns Without Borders South Africa.”

We remove our [clown] noses, only to transfer them to the plush animal-shaped neck pillows we bought on impulse while waiting for our flight.

… We eleven Yalies could have built that teacher a new school and more with the combined cost of our plane tickets to South Africa. We hoped our trip amounted to more than simple self-indulgence, but sometimes we had trouble remembering why.”

 

[Notably, in the three days since this was tipped to us, the page was taken down, but archives preserved this pixel-y image. If you have pictures to share in future #tbts, email us at tips@ivygateblog.com]

The real reasons Harvard kids don’t date

This week at #AspenIdeas, former Harvard hall co-master (and current Yale Child Study Center lecturer) Erika Christakis talked about how Harvard students aren’t dating. A bunch of non-college students on the panel then set about debating why college students aren’t conforming to their standards and telling us how, once again, us dumb millennials are doing something wrong.

Tired of letting old people speak for us, IvyGate came up with a list of the real reasons Harvard students aren’t dating in the “traditional” sense:

  • There’s no grade inflation in first impressions.
  • Chances of ending up in someone’s tell-all memoirs a few years down the road are too high.
  • You assholes keep telling us millennials aren’t serious enough so we’re focusing on serious things like class and shit instead of dates.
  • Still waiting on line at a final club.
  • That emo phase in middle school really drained us.
  • Storing up on care-free sex while the school still pays for birth control.
  • Only understand “romantic” in literary terms.
  • The Cambridge Panera is always too crowded for dates.
  • Can’t figure out if “having it all” means having a husband or having lots of casual sex.
  • Rebelling against helicopter moms.
  • The Winklevoss twins do not look like Armie Hammer in real life.

But the real reason Harvard kids aren’t going on dates? They’re too used to thinking once you get in you don’t have to expend any more effort.

Cornell: “Wasn’t Me”

Depending on your opinion, people have either been (a) getting their panties in a twist or (b) expressing some legitimate concerns over Facebook’s sinister-sounding “emotional contagion” research project, news of which hit the Internet in full force yesterday.

The week-long study, conducted in January 2012, selectively altered the news feeds of about 70,000 Facebook users by skewing the news, photos, and statuses they saw to either an overly positive or overly negative angle. And as various media outlets have frantically reported, turns out we are influenced by other people’s moods and the type of information we receive. Crazy.

While Facebook itself collected the data, the results of the study were analyzed by scientists at Cornell – and before the world could even point an accusing finger towards Ithaca, a well-timed press release from Cornell’s Media Relations Office was quick to shout, “don’t look at us, bro.”

tl;dr of the release: Cornell’s Professor Hancock only had access to the research results, so you don’t need to worry about the school keeping your alcohol-fueled depressive statuses in a database somewhere, waiting to be revealed Snowden-style. The decision was also made to not consult the Human Research Protection Program because Hancock “was not directly engaged in human research”; or, we’re all just meaningless numbers in the end.

Cornell: even when they try to reassure you, they somehow make you feel worse.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done to get into college?

The New York Post and the New York Times have recently regaled us with delightful anecdotes about what Ivy League rejects and non-rejects did to gain admission into the school(s) of their dreams. College consultants are nothing new but the industry has reached such a level of absurdity that it seems like satire.

See Jill Tipograph, who runs “Everything Summer,” a combination travel agency/college consulting firm that helps parents figure out which Third World Country should host their offspring for a few weeks a personalized summer itinerary for pre-college teens who need application essay material–for $300/hour. We wonder what Tipograph would have to say about the Yale applicant mentioned in the Times article, who forewent exotic travels in favor of a more… domestic experience:

“[Her essay] mentioned a French teacher she greatly admired. She described their one-on-one conversation at the end of a school day. And then, this detail: During their talk, when an urge to go to the bathroom could no longer be denied, she decided not to interrupt the teacher or exit the room. She simply urinated on herself.”

Would Everything Summer encourage this sort of behavior? What if you urinate on yourself and, AT THE SAME TIME, you’re climbing the Great Wall of China? God, we miss the days when you could just donate a blank check and be done with it (but, you know, the One Percent just isn’t what it used to be).

Essay ideas after the jump

Yale & Harvard Will Always Have DC

This week, New York Magazine did a feature on the delicious DC summer interns, one of our favorite subsets of students. Of the 10 interns profiled, half of them (from our sleuthing) are Ivy Leaguers, hailing exclusively from Yale and Harvard — though this post in the very earnest “Yale in Washington Summer 2014” group may have had something to do with that slant:

Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s all transfer to Harvard now

According to the New York Times, ousted executive editor Jill Abramson will be returning to her alma mater (and tattoo inspiration), teaching narrative nonfiction this fall at Harvard. Nonfiction writing majors across the Ivy League collectively shrieked in jealousy. We’ve reached out to admins at Harvard and will update if we get more information.

If you make it into her class next semester, put your narrative nonfiction skills to good use and tell us all about it–and let us know if she follows that great Harvard tradition: grade inflation. Hit us up tips@ivygateblog.com

Update 1:50PM Harvard made the announcement as well, confirming Abramson will be teaching undergraduates in the fall and spring. Undergrad Program Administrator Lauren Bimmler told IvyGate that the classes “are open by application to undergraduates and graduate students” and, of course, “[w]e’re very excited to have her!”

Fake Princeton till you make it

David Brat, who shockingly beat Eric Cantor in yesterday’s primaries, notes in his campaign site that he “tested his rural values against the intellectual elite while at Princeton.” But as The Washington Post figured out, like a Barnard student who says she goes to Columbia on Facebook, Brat didn’t actually go to Princeton.

WaPo reached out to Princeton, who told them they do not have Brat on record as a student. Sure, Brat studied in the town of Princeton — at the Princeton Theological Seminary for his Master of Divinity. PTS was founded in 1812 and is a separate school from the Princeton we know and love. Per their site:

“The [Princeton] University still stands at the center of the community, but several other academic institutions known for excellence in their fields have joined it — the Westminster Choir College, the Institute for Advanced Study, the Center for Theological Inquiry, and, of course, the Seminary.”

Keep challenging those sinning intellectual elites, Brat.

[Screenshot from DaveBratForCongress]

Now Casting: Recent College Graduates Who Are Well-Educated and Underemployed

A casting associate at Leftfield Entertainment (bringing you Pawn Stars, RHONJ, etc.) reached out to us as they’re looking for highly educated, snarky, and entitled young people, and apparently we’re a good space to find them.

“If you recently graduated from a top-tier university and are working a job that’s SO beneath you, we want to hear from YOU!”

So are you a recent grad doing data entry or working retail, constantly repeating to yourself “I got an Ivy League degree for this?” ? Then you might be perfect for a new reality show in development for “a major cable network,” which is sure to boost your visibility and not get you fired from your current job.

If you’re bored doing nothing (or as we tell our parents, “freelancing”) in suburbia, send a quick description of yourself, your current job and education, and a recent picture to collegegradcasting@gmail.com. Joining the illustrious ranks of Ivy League reality stars will definitely improve your employability for the rest of your life, and we can’t wait to see the results.

[Image via Flickr]