It's common knowledge that Dartmouth students drink beer like water. (Exhibit A, exhibit B.) What we didn't know is that they drink water like beer.

Check out this e-mail sent out by Dartmouth community director and fun cop Kristin "What Is Her" Deal, excerpted below:

Hey Everyone!

It has come to my attention through damage and clean-up reports that some of you are playing water pong [emphasis added] in the basement lounges/Choates Common areas. I thought it would be a good idea to answer some of the frequently asked questions about the residence halls and water pong, before any clean-up charges were assessed to you.

*Am I allowed to play water pong in the residence halls?

The answer to this is no. I know that finding a table in one of the fraternity basements is difficult and with it being so cold outside, it is easier to stay in and emulate beer pong by playing water pong in the basements. However, there are reasons that this policy exists (to be discussed as answers to the next questions). ...

*What is the harm? We are not underage drinking?:

I know that this seems like a good balance between the Dartmouth drinking culture and just trying to have fun. However, water pong can be just as dangerous if not more so. When playing beer pong you begin to feel the effects of the alcohol on your body, where as you might not be able to assess the effects of water intoxication the same way. Water intoxication is a reality and can cause damage to your body including death. A woman in California died about two weeks ago from water intox. You can read about her story here:  http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/01/13/water.intox.ap/index.html ...

Thanks and Good Luck in this time of Midterms!

Kristin

While Deal's concern about water binging is legit (we don't know why we know this, but it's called hyponatremia and it's real), it seems pretty unlikely students will H2O.D. during beer pong practice. Let's all say that together now: beer pong practice. One freshman explained it to us this way:

Kids who are very good at pong here generally are more socially accepted, get more girls, etc. Pong tables are not easy to come by in a frat basement because of the high demand, and the winner will always stay on, so there is a high incentive to win.  Since Dartmouth social life is largely based around playing pong, if you suck your night will just be spent watching people play pong, which is boring and lame.

[K]ids actually want to play real pong, since it is so ingrained in our social life, but because we are freshmen it is hard to land a table (unless you're a hot chick) so they want to play here in our dorm. But, since all freshmen dorms are technically sub-free and one can get in serious trouble for actually possessing alcohol, water pong is the best available substitute.

And that's how we know we're in the presence of masters: even when they're not drinking, they're practicing so as to maximize any future drinking experience. We would expect nothing less from the Abner Doubledays of the sport.