Madonna Constantine is having a pretty bad semester. First someone hangs a noose on her doorknob, then she gets in trouble for plagiarism, then she suspects the whole thing is part of some university-wide institutionally racist conspiracy. And now a grand jury has authorized investigation into whether Constantine hung the noose herself or maybe with a li’l help from her friends. This is because symbolic nooses are basically Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards, the “quack quack seat back” of intellectual crime. I’m surprised James Frey hasn’t tried it, yet! The New York Post reports:

The revelation that Constantine had been under university review provides a possible motive for a sympathetic friend to consider placing a noose on her door - thinking it could whip up support for her, sources said.

“Sympathetic friend”? Hmm… does Anthony Kelley have an alibi?

Remember Columbia / Teachers Colllege Professor Madonna Constantine, she of the noose-hanging fame and plagiarism charges? Well, did she really do it? As for the noose, we’re not so sure. But what about the plagiarism? Yes, yes, yes she did! According to an outside report, Constantine stole work from no less than three different people in the past five years and did so in “numerous instances.”

Not so fast, says a truly insane column in today’s Spectator. According to a certain Anthony Kelley we can never really be sure:

No one aside from Teachers College Professor Madonna Constantine will ever know whether or not she actually committed plagiarism.The ultimate truth of a situation cannot be attained through investigations, especially when they are clouded with accusations of bias and prejudice.”

But can we ever even know that your name is Anthony Kelley, Anthony Kelley? What is truth, after all? 

Kelley is “drawn to” the view that “these allegations of plagiarism… are continuations of the historical devaluation of black womanhood and should be recognized as such.”

Still, we’ve got to give Kelley some credit here. He is so academically open-minded that he’s willing to play devil’s advocate:

Let us assume for a moment that Professor Constantine plagiarized the work of others. Instead of punishing (or “sanctioning”) her, we should be making special efforts to extend compassion to her and those who feel wounded as a result of her actions. We should be having community dialogues to emphasize the importance of academic honesty.”

In this perfect world Kelley imagines, you can steal your friends’ academic work so long as you’re willing to sit around a campfire and “talk” about it at some later point.

After the jump: more insanity.

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Plagiarist professor and symbolic-noose victim Madonna Constantine released a statement yesterday calling Columbia’s discplinary action against her “premature, vindictive, and mean-spirited,” the product of “institutional racism,” “a conspiracy and witch-hunt.” She writes,

I am left to wonder whether a White faculty member would have been treated in such a publicly disrespectful and disparaging manner.

It is my opinion that this investigation, along with other incidents that have happened to me at Teachers College in recent months, point to a conspiracy and witch-hunt by certain current and former members of the Teachers College community. I believe that nothing that has happened to me this year is coincidental, particularly when I reflect upon the hate crime I experienced last semester involving a noose on my office door. As one of only two tenured Black women full professors at Teachers College, it pains me to conclude that I have been specifically and systematically targeted.

Now, we love damning the man as much as the next 20-something pipsqueak, but when Columbia takes a fine-toothed comb to your oeuvre and finds five years’ worth of academic dishonesty? Might be time to cut your losses, maybe update your resume and check out the listings on monster.com.

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How many scandals have to unfold before college publications realize their Borat-aspiring ditties on yellow fever and Indian givers are seldom well received?

Meet the newest inductee to that infamous coterie of College Publications With Dubious Taste: The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl, whose “Diversity Issue” features a theme so broad as to offend not just one or two minorities, but all maligned groups. Word is that the Asian Pacific Student Coalition called a meeting to discuss the Bowl’s heavy hand with Asian jokes, including a photo spread depicting “Where Asians Don’t Belong.” Locations of non-belonging include “at a frat party,” “participating in a drinking game,” and specific buildings and classes at Penn. Highlights include a “Great Moments in Diversity History” timeline:

And advice on “Diversifying Your Friend Portfolio”:

Ah, the fine line between making jokes about stereotypes and, uh, listing them one by one for 14 pages straight? Punch Bowl’s website offers the magazine for PDF download, but since you probably don’t want smut like that on your hard drive, we’ve got it after the jump. Looks like the Bowl didn’t appreciate our attempt to improve their internet availability. So we’ve reduced after-the-jump to just a few excerpts (only some of your shit, Punch!) and one of the stranger cease-and-desists we’ve received, featuring ruminations on “this modern life” and metaphors about fire and light and stuff.

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Always eager to jump on trends started at cooler city schools, but a few months later and kinda watered down, Princeton hops on the racist graffiti bandwagon this week (if pink chalk on a slate sidewalk counts as grafitti). Incensed Prince columnists discovered the chalky expression of hate on a sunny Monday afternoon and got all English-major-y about it:

The pink chalk graffiti disregards this right [to define one's own sexuality] by stating categorically that white girls are promiscuous. Not only that, but the term “put out” implies sexual gratification for the sole benefit of the male partner, taking away any power and respect for the woman. The word “girl” also implies subjugation that, especially in this instance, is out of place on a college campus.

If only the chalk-wielding hooligan had chosen more PC terms! “Do self-actualized Caucasian womyn engage in mutually pleasurable intercourse?” or, “I wonder if making a pretty-pink naughty in front of my dorm will make me famous… YES!” To the columnists’ credit, their school has a history of chalk-fueled hate. Doodling children and hopscotch squares: Princeton’s baddest thugs.

When we heard about the latest racial incident at Columbia, we were flummoxed, flabbergasted, and hornswoggled of our very wits. We decided to consult our man in Morningside, J.D. Porter, who is an expert in hate-crimes. Maybe he could explain the upsurge and make sense of these troubled times. Here is what he wrote instead:

You may remember Columbia racism from such recent displays as noose-hanging and racist bathroom graffiti, but it wasn’t until someone spray-painted a swastika on the door of Teacher’s College professor Elizabeth Midlarsky that the New York City Council decided to take notice. The Council has declared November 29th an official “Day Out Against Racism”.

Much more than an awkwardly worded empty gesture scheduled a month after it would be relevant, the Day Out will include both an “interfaith prayer breakfast” and “discussions involving senior citizen centers”.

Reaction at Columbia has been relatively muted so far, possibly because a “been there, done that” mentality is starting to take hold. Another factor in muting the fury is that both Midlarsky and professor Madonna Constantine, victim of the noose incident, work for Teacher’s College. That’s the Columbia graduate school for education, and most students are only vaguely aware that it exists, like the fencing team, but with widespread racism.

Even the crazed far-right zealots who comment on the Spec’s website (who told these people about the Spectator? Why?) have quieted down, with fewer than 20 people claiming that Midlarsky faked the event, compared with the 80-plus who made the same claim about Constantine.

Of course, the usual pointless anti-racism rhetoric, which failed to prevent a follow-up to the noose incident even within the month of October, made an appearance. Student activists held a teach-in and came up with a list of demands ranging from unrealistic (”Columbia withdraw its 197-C proposal to rezone Manhattanville immediately”) to confusing (”research the steps necessary for the creation of… Native American Studies”). Can racism stand up to Political History of the Cherokee and interfaith prayer breakfasts? Check back in a month.

–J.D. Porter 

A busy week for racists at Columbia: Amid the modicum of offensive bathroom-stall doodles inherent to public restrooms in New York, someone hung a noose on black Teacher College professor Madonna Constantine’s door. And, you know how when you learn a new word, all of a sudden you start hearing it everywhere? Nooses are now materializing on lampposts and in lockerrooms city-wide (and in at least one burb). Expect ironic nooses at MisShapes any day now.

As much as we Ivy League hacks enjoy naming Columbia the source of all trends (good, bad, ugly, and  St. A’s-related), Newsday suggests the more likely source is recent media attention on the Jena 6.

Oddly, CU TC officials resisted NYPD requests for security tapes of Constantine’s building. Officials cited “policy” and “student privacy” (you know, the expectation of privacy one has when scaring the shit out of strangers in a public building). Those inclined to conspiracy theory suspect a nefarious Bollinger plot to turn hate-speech into free-speech (NYCLU is already salivating, say various rumormills). Cat-fight enthusiasts point to Constantine’s ongoing book-credit battle with fellow TC Prof. Suniya Luthar. Is Columbia’s derelection of crime-fighting duty a sign of taking sides? Could Luthar’s desire for bylines have driven her to the proliferation of treacherous ropes? *

And, haven’t we already seen this on Law & Order?

In the meantime, the Spec’s cup runneth over with bias crime meta-talk: PrezBo interview, five op-ed headlines, and a handy-dandy Hate Crimes at Columbia timeline.

* No, says New York magazine, and stop spreading so many rumors. But seriously, what’s the fun in that?