IvyGate paid close attention to the Columbia Class of 2011 this summer. Some claimed to party hard, others waxed robotic and one was *allegedly* a Kazakhstani target of a consultant’s mindfucking. None, we assume, had actually met each other until the last week. As the Columbia Spectator’s Josh Hirschland reports from in the field, our high expectations for this bunch were unwarranted. The Columbia Class of 2011 is neither chic, nerdy or nerdy-chic. They’re just freshmen.

Hirschland oversaw a group of freshmen during Columbia’s New Student Orientation Program (NSOP). He dreaded that they’d live up to their Facebook rep–”as annoyingly too-cool as past years’ classes, but their collective haughtiness would be better organized.” IvyGate salivated at the the possibility.

The “annoying” manifested itself all too quickly:

On Tuesday, students neglected to forfeit their seats on a crosstown bus to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to elderly New Yorkers who were trying to get home. And yes, they walked five abreast on the sidewalk, blocking anybody on their path.

Take that, you old fucks. But after solidifying the Ivy League freshman’s reputation as the worst thing to happen to a community, the ’11s suckified and spent the week eating ice cream:

At the big party on Ellis Island, people not only showed up but kept grousing to a minimum despite long lines and being stranded in New York Harbor. Even at CU: Take One-neé The BlaZe and formerly CUnity-orientation leaders had to restrain their groups-afterwards, my group ate ice cream on Low Steps. …More people attended a free ice cream event put on by Hillel than the biggest party of the week held in a first-year residence hall.

Harumph. What about sex? Did anyone have sex? People must have hooked up after the first-year mixer:

At the last formal event of the week, students dressed to the nines in suits, dresses, and fedoras–

“Fedoras” means a) no one reached second base all week b) it’s time we never read another word about the Columbia ’11s. What a disappointing batch of potential fuckwiths. Could someone please destroy Facebook groups now?

If ranking season doesn’t slow down, Cornell is going to have an identity crisis.  Named “Best Motto” by Motto Magazine and “Worst Motto” by IvyGate readers, Big Red is not only the “Hottest Ivy,” but the “Worst Ivy,” too.

Noting that “identifying America’s best colleges is about as exciting and useful as naming your favorite luxury sedan (Audi),” Radar breaks out their Back-to-School “Worst Colleges in America” list.  Naturally, the only Ivy to meet Radar’s rigorous low standards is “America’s Best Safety School,” Cornell, where “low academic satisfaction, an oppressive Greek system, and a boring host town have inspired dozens of depressed students to hurl themselves over campus gorges.”  Distinguished alumni Ann Coulter and Bill Maher earn negative points for their alma mater, as do “the ugliest girls in the Ivy League” (in Cornell’s defense, that is why Ithaca College exists). And then:

“I haven’t overheard a single intellectual conversation in three years, unless it was between Indian or Asian students,” writes an architecture major on Students Review.

Come on, Radar — you’re not supposed to ask architecture students about the social life; they only leave their Rand Hall cells to stock up with a visit to the local fraternity coke dealer!  Try the cool-looking dude in the cowboy hat from the Orientation 2007 guide.  He’s totally macking the hot goth chick in the front.  And you know he and the Asian guy talk Sartre all the time.

More “worsts,” after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

We grew perplexed reading this about Dartmouth’s outdoor orientation programs for freshmen:

“Our Trips are just plain sweet. We offer everything from canoeing to climbing and everything in between. Check out all of our different types of Trips and what your outdoor-lovin’ five days will look like. And if your New York City behind is not in tip-top shape, no need to fear! We’ve got all sorts of difficulties to suit your outdoor style.”

These trips are pretty common; they might even be universal across the Ivy League. But these kids are about to spend four years at Dartmouth. Aren’t they going to spend enough time isolated from society, a la Alive, as it is? Maybe the tiniest Ivy should offer its students a truly unique opportunity, like a trip to the mall or a nearby urban center, like White River Junction or Concord.

Also, what do they mean by “New York City behind”? Is that like a “New York City sense of humor”? Like a JEWISH behind, perhaps? Anti-semites. Seriously, have they BEEN to Columbia lately, seen how skinny they all are? All part of a balanced diet of cigarettes and nose candy.

Robbie Corey-Boulet
Editor-in-Chief
The Brown Daily Herald, Inc.
P.O. Box 2538
Providence, RI 02906 

Dear Mr. Corey-Boulet:

Please. We’re begging you. Update browndailyherald.com. We don’t live in Providence. Brown Orientation starts today, and we don’t have a stoner’s clue what’s happening up there. This, while funny and admirably ahead of schedule, was not enough. Brown’s new web site scares us. All we have to go on is these deans’ boring letter to new students, and while we haven’t actually read the whole thing (something about “developing Advising Partnerships” and “how to live and learn as individuals while respecting others”) we’re pretty sure it doesn’t include the word “shitfaced” at any point, so it can’t be too relevant.

All those thousands of Brown-nosers pouring into Providence … us, sitting here in the dark … Have a heart, Mr. Corey-Boulet. Update your goddamn newspaper from July 17th.

Beseechingly,
IvyGate