And he just don’t stop.

We knew Cornell Super-Prez David Skorton could play mad jazz sax straight Clinton-style. What we didn’t know is he rocks the jazz flute just as hard, in the proud tradition of one Ron Burgundy. (Sorry for the videophone quality.)

This begs the question, could Skorton nail Veronica Corningstone?

(Big ups to Dan Dryden for the footage. Just for the hell of it, we’ve included the original clip from Anchorman after the jump.)

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Whatever you may think of him, new Cornell President David J. Skorton has one hell of a PR team. Aww, he’s living in a freshman dorm! Gee, he sure can wail on the sax! Golly, he’s even got his own ice cream flavor! We were just getting ready to consummate our Skorton-love, with the Right Reverend Zuckerberg presiding (i.e., friend him), when we saw this:  

Now this is just weird. We know students are supposed to welcome the new boss. But to friend him beyond the Facebook-decreed limits for friendship? What happened to rebellion?

Cornell hasn’t just drunk Skorton’s Kool-Aid; it’s been doing keg-stands. Read Skorton’s inaugural speech. He squeezed the Cornell experience into some awkward dancing metaphor, concluding, “One alone, a dyad, more, many, a society of dancers are we.” Any self-respecting Cornellian, after hearing this, would have run home and filled out a transfer request. The absence of backlash, though, tells us that it may be too late. Golden Boy Skorton has officially brainwashed Cornell, one friend request at a time. IvyGate is now officially skeptical.

It’s the update we’ve been waiting for all day! A Cornell tipster fresh from David Skorton’s inauguration day festivities — which includes the new university president’s own flavor of ice cream — breathlessly emails:

To: IvyGate@gmail.com
From: xxxxx@cornell.edu
Date: Sept. 7, 2006 5:56 p.m.
Subject: banana-berry skorton ice cream

Ahh, Skorton Berry ice cream. It’s filled with chocolate chunks and fruity syrup. The taste of Iowa, secular humanism and Banana. It got the official seal of approval from Skorton’s wife, and it is pretty tasty.

Cornell Cornell President David J. Skorton has, if nothing else, huge balls. First he sleeps among the unwashed fresh-masses, now he ventures off into the drug-doing, brow-piercing, Morcheeba-listening, God-hating, cross-dressed (but otherwise naked) den of iniquity that is Risley Hall.

Our undercover Cornellespondents tell us that Skorton and his wife, Robin L. Davisson, dined chez Risley last night. When they entered the dining hall, one student reportedly sprung up from his table and gushed over Ms. Davisson: “You’re beautiful! You make Jackie Onassis look like a crack whore!” (Kind words, but you be the judge.)

They then proceeded to eat dinner as ironically as possible.

God damn it. Why does Cornell always have to ruin the party? We announce the Year of the College Blog, then they go and introduce this … this … Student Blogging Project.

Basically, the school pays students to write two entries a week about life at Cornell in exchange for $50 a month in gift certificates. Plenty of kids do this for free already (please click on our Google ads dear God just once please) for a readership of one. Getting published on Cornell’s website + ca$h money = good deal, right?

Read the fine print:

- “[B]ecause these blogs are highly visible, you will be expected to be intelligent about both the approach to and the crafting of your posts with regard to subject matter, language, and tone.” And if you’re short on ideas, just copy and paste student testimonials from the Cornell brochure. Blogging is good, clean fun!

- “[Y]our blogs will likely be visited by members of the Senior Administration at the university; all of whom are people not known for being shy when expressing their opinions. Rest assured that you will be spoken to if you stray across the line.” So, who’s gonna be the sacrificial blogger to cross the line and reveal its location for everyone else? Oh fine, we’ll do it: We Eiffel Towered President Skorton’s mom! In the gorge! You know where to find us, Skorton!

- Among the Project’s goals: “Share the Cornell story with the world.” Wait, you mean this Cornell story? Or the one about Eiffel Towering President Skorton’s mom in the gorge?

So the Project will be like a campus tour in blog form. Look forward to entries on chem problem sets, soda pong tournaments, and the occasional dessert wine. How authentic! For the future: if we ever sign up to be “student voices” for our authorized school blog, you, reader, have our permission to kill us.