We did a mini-post yesterday on the NYT article "Students of Virginity" featuring Harvard's True Love Revolution, Lena Chen stuffing her face with ginger cake, and our own esteemed IvyGate commenters. Today we considered writing a lengthier post deconstructing the article blow-by-(not that kind of)-blow, but then we thought, why rush this? If we've learned one thing from TLR it's the value of "taking it slow." So instead we will deal with this in painstakingly small increments, gradually, pleasurably, one baby-sized scrap of hilarity at a time. Now presenting hilarious scrap #1: TLR co-president Leo Keliher ('09) in one of the more glorious photo/caption combos of our time:
 

Is that even a dorm room, or did he import a 12C monastery to sleep in? Leo's 15 minutes of rather embarassing fame after the jump.

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Madonna Constantine is having a pretty bad semester. First someone hangs a noose on her doorknob, then she gets in trouble for plagiarism, then she suspects the whole thing is part of some university-wide institutionally racist conspiracy. And now a grand jury has authorized investigation into whether Constantine hung the noose herself or maybe with a li'l help from her friends. This is because symbolic nooses are basically Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards, the "quack quack seat back" of intellectual crime. I'm surprised James Frey hasn't tried it, yet! The New York Post reports:

The revelation that Constantine had been under university review provides a possible motive for a sympathetic friend to consider placing a noose on her door - thinking it could whip up support for her, sources said.

"Sympathetic friend"? Hmm... does Anthony Kelley have an alibi?

From the New York Times Sunday Magazine article about Ivy League abstienence societies:

Chen's perspective on society, and Fredell's, was borne out in the aftermath, as people wrote in to Ivygate, calling Lena Chen a "slut," a "whore," a "total whore," a "whore whore slut." And then someone by the screen name of Sex v. Marriage wrote in to say that "most guys out there would rather end up with a girl like Janie."

My favorite? "Whore whore slut." We love you guys. Even if you are real bastards sometimes.

More BREAKING NEWS on the New York Times' far too generous approach to True Love Revolution to come.

Among the more bizarre institutions of daily newspapers is the idiosyncratic world of op-art, where people and objects frequently wear labels and the metaphors are thick. The Ivy dailies are, of course, no exception, their readerships gathering 'round the lunch table to marvel at the incomprehensible images produced daily in their pages. To mitigate the task of tracking down the week's worst in cartoons, IvyGate introduces a new weekly feature in which we handpick and deliver this week's ripest.

Princeton correspondent Donny Dietz ('09) breaks it down, after the jump.

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• 
• Cornell: Tibetans... in Ithaca!
• Cornell: These bear stories bear me to tears.
• Dartmouth: In a characteristically un-Dartmouth move, The D editorial board gives a thumbs down to lowering the drinking age in Vermont.
• Princeton: Old Nassau ought to admit more athletes to counterbalance the Quidditch-playing nerds.
• Princeton: March Madness? Who needs it. We're shooting for the frozen four! --- Compiled by James Yu

So, the probably-psychotic Penn guy who tried to break into a classmate's room while sputtering jibberish on the nature of "reality"? Rodin House residents are now saying the ordeal was even scarier and stranger than the DP reported. A Rodin resident with ties both to victims and attacker writes in,

He injured 3 police officers, smashed the glass of a fire extinguisher case and tried to fight them off with the shards. He [put up a] fight until the end, and they had to strap him to a guerney and carry him out because he wouldn't leave. He punched 2 officers in the face, had one in a headlock and busted that one's knee.

The student in question has since made bail, though nobody seems to know where he is or what he is doing. His parents were witnessed moving their son's personal effects from his dorm yesterday. At press time, the conditions of the attacker's bail (psychiatric care? restraining order?) and university status (leave of absence? expulsion?) are unknown.

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• Columbia: Anthony Kelley, you are an idiot.
• Columbia: Can you be an Obama supporter and a fan of "The Wire"?
• Penn: Thief trades Twizzlers for laptop
• Princeton: Bulgarian horrified by lewd dancefloor activity in Land of the Free
• Princeton: Boy horrified by girlfriend who sucker-punches during sex
• Yale: Chinese government infiltrates YDN
• Yale: Most obvious headline statement of the day
• Yale: GXC founder weighs in on JuicyCampus: "Meh."

From The Dartmouth's annual "Hey, spring break just happened, think we can squeeze 500 words out of it?" newsstory, "Spring Breaks Run the Gamut":

For some students life at Dartmouth is raucous enough and already resembles the revelry that students at other schools seek during their spring breaks.

"It's like a perpetual spring break at Dartmouth," Scott McKnight '11 said.

We always suspected Dartmouth was the odd Ivy out. A proposal: Instead of those latently classist "State Night" parties Ivy Leaguers like to throw (you know, party like a state school kid, drink beer through funnels, pretend you care about sports?) let's switch to "Dartmouth Night." It'll be less classist but way more elitist, if the rank-counting hairsplitters on our comment boards have anything to say about it.

More on the Beer Bong of the Ivy League, after the jump.

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The Daily Prince reports in "Quidditch sweeps into Princeton":

Monday afternoon, the Middlebury Quidditch team stopped at Princeton University as part of its annual spring break Quidditch tour in an attempt to promote its ground-bound version of the sport at other American universities. So far this year, Middlebury has visited Bard and Penn and has games scheduled against Columbia and Vassar.

The role of the snitch is filled, not by an enchanted, plum-sized, golden-feathered ball, but by a hyperactive college student dressed in yellow with a penchant for running and wrestling. To capture the snitch, one of the seekers must grab a black sock hanging from the snitch's shorts.

No word on Dean Dolores Umbridge's (Nancy Malkiel) take on the game.

I like cursing in print - or in blog form -  as much as the next guy. But as for the shitass Ivy League Dailies who look to the Grey Lady for guidance and inspiration, why on Earth do they like cursing so much? And more importantly, to what effect?

To no effect, friends. A brief search-and-survey of the dailies reveals language that your parents might find, well, a bit uncomfortable. The dailies print "fuck" and "shit" for no good or extenuating reason, sometimes in the form of short pornographic stories. Most of the time they use these words without even the saving grace of direct quotation. Read these brief excerpts and you'll be soon asking yourself what the fuck has happened to our storied dailies.

Our friend Anthony Kelley at The Spec:
     "Some folks were ready to fuck him up."

From The Cornell Daily Sun:
    "I've evolved to fuck, shit, and eat, but it's odd that
     while I'm doing these basic things I have the ability
     to think."

The Daily Pennsylvanian (taking the cursing cake!):
    You want to fuck the shit out of a group of high     
    schoolers touring the campus.

From The Yale Daily News:
    "Why won't straight black guys leave me the fuck alone?"

After the jump: More newspapers, more cursing. Fuck yeah!

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