Last seen seeking his cyber-fortune by objectifying college girls with Hot-or-Not clone Miss Facebok, Harvard’s Daniel Wallace ‘08 is back… and revealing the inner machinery of the beast itself, Harvard admissions! With the prose of Viagra-peddling spam and the typograpical design of a ten-year-old’s AIM profile,Wallace’s GetIntoHarvard.net sells a 56-page, $27 pamphlet that will “triple your chances of getting into Harvard.” The guide comes with endorsements from “Bryan Kang, Harvard senior,” and “Ganesh Raj Kumaraguru, England,” because Brits have those smart-sounding accents, so just being from England is a credential in and of itself.

But where, you ask, does Wallace’s expertise come from? Well, first he got into Harvard.

Since then, I have read over tons of books, over 1,000 blog posts, too many forum entries to count, and continued learning from my own hands-on admissions experience, all to keep Get Into Harvard cutting-edge with the latest information. [boldface and italicization from original]

“To think!” writes Legion, “That’s over ten paragraphs a day… for four whole months!” We got a hold of Get Into Harvard (which is actually just a PDF file you pay to download), are providing a brief review and choice excerpts after the jump.

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It’s not only Ivy League students who love plagiarizing. Sometimes even the White House gets involved. But White House aides don’t plagiarize from just anyone! Nope, they get their source material from our right-wing buddies at the Dartmouth Review!

Timothy S. Goeglein, President Bush’s chief liaison to religious groups, has admitted to plagiarizing a column he wrote for the Fort Wayne (Ind.) News-Sentinel. 

“It is true,” Tim Goeglein wrote to The Journal Gazette in an e-mail. “I am entirely at fault. It was wrong of me. There are no excuses.” I guess Zac Townsend and his Brown cohort can sleep easier now.

According to the Washington Post, Goeglein “previously worked closely with Karl Rove and during the 2004 election was Bush’s chief emissary to conservative political groups.” Oh, how I tremble with glee! William F. Buckley would be shamed. Shamed!

Goeglein’s column:

A notable professor of philosophy at Dartmouth College in the last century, Eugene Rosenstock-Hussey, expressed the matter succinctly. His wisdom is not only profound but also worth pondering in this new century. He said, “The goal of education is to form the Citizen. And the Citizen is a person who, if need be, can re-found his civilization.”

He meant that, I think, in quite a large sense. He did not mean that you had to master all the specialties you can think of,

Jeffrey Hart in The Dartmouth Review:

A notable Professor of Philosophy at Dartmouth, Eugene Rosenstock-Hussey often expressed the matter succinctly, “The goal of education,” he would say, “is to form the Citizen. And the Citizen is a person who, if need be, can re-found his civilization.”

He meant that in quite large a sense. He did not mean that you had to master all the specialties you can think of.

After the jump: more similarities.

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As “Yes We Can!” parodies become a genre unto themelves, we jump on the bandwagon a little late with this charming little ditty from the Brown housing lottery contest, which awards the talented set of room-draw-ees first pick every year. It features a speech from Dean Katherine Bergeron about “loving school” and hating Wesleyan:

Naturally, Wesleyanites are thoroughly offended, but have decided to rise above the thoroughly low blow in the most mature way possible: Calling Brown “the school whose very name is the color of shit” on Wesleyaning.

And, if we’re going to post this video, we should probably post the one that actually won, a dramatic romp with four members of the Brown swim team. Yes, they wear speedos. Yes, there are Monty Python references. And yes, in spite of our best attempts to maintain a hardened, bitter ‘tude (Team Gilles forever!) we must admit, it’s pretty damn cute. After the jump.

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• Harvard: Harvard bans chalk, sets sights on Yahtzee, Play-dough.
• Princeton: Michelle Obama’s classified thesis leaked.
• Dartmouth: “Keep your wits about you, carry pepper spray, and above all don’t make eye contact, and you, too, can make it through the fraternity dance party in one piece.“
• Yale: Yale woos prospective students with lies.
• Brown: “I don’t like the system because it does not favor my team,” says jock.
• Columbia: A harrowing journey through New York City’s shadowy underworld.

— Compiled by Ben O’Donnell
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It’s official: the administrators in charge of Princeton’s spanking-new Whitman College are on crack. Following up on the Great Mug Emergency of 2008, these fine folks have decided to transform Princeton’s first four-year residential college into a fraternity. For serious.

Taking a cue from the university’s existing frats, Whitman College is asking impressionable freshman to volunteer to become thesis slaves for graduating seniors. It’s like being a pledge but with none of the benefits! The seniors get to force the freshmen to do laundry and fetch them snacks and drop off library books! What do the freshmen get in return? Why, the pleasure of the seniors’ company!

Each participating Whitman senior will be assigned 2 underclassmen who will be “on call” during the final thesis push.  If you are working away in your room and feel like you need a midnight snack all you have to do is contact your thesis buddy and he/she will bring you a hot dog and a red bull or whatever else you need to burn the midnight oil.

Obviously, the idea isn’t to take advantage of your buddy, but to have him or her help out in a pinch.  Other examples of acceptable duties include:  taking care of a load of laundry, picking up/dropping off some library books, or proofreading a chapter for typos.

After the jump: the email in full.
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Give Yalies Christmas lights or snow any vaguely ephemeral construction material and they go crazy! It’s like, so artistic of them! They make penises out of Christmas lights, penises out of snow, swastikas out of snow…

Swastikas? Yep. Following last week’s snowstorm, a gigantic snow penis as well as a snowstika appeared on campus. The culprits? No one knows. Are they somehow connected? Probably not. But could some gay neo-Nazis be behind the whole thing? Regardless, the Yale Administration didn’t mind the penis so much; the snowstika, however,is another story.

But maybe, just maybe, there’s a political point: maybe they’re comparing swastikas to penises. Or maybe they’re just insensitive, anti-Semitic jerks. By the time these master snow craftsmen graduate, they’ll be creating ice sculptures of Hitler with Himmler’s penis in his mouth! It’s so phallic!

After the jump: the Yale Hillel isn’t so amused. And a picture of the gigantic snow penis.

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Today marks day 5 of Columbia Engineer Student Council’s 184-person game of assassins, and, as expected from a large group of mathematically-minded folk fluent in JAVA and the Tolkien, wielding waterguns and “death” lists, it’s been a frag-tastic celebration of nerditude. Bwog directs us to ESC’s Kill Reports, which log successful assassinations with the deceased’s photo, alias, and a description of his or her demise.

With 184 “agents” and 113 dead at press time, the Kill Reports are extensive and thoroughly entertaining. A selection of the more poetic/hilarious/creepily violent of the Kill Reports after the jump.

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• Brown: White people going where no white people have gone before.
• Columbia: When are you finally going to beef up your financial aid, Columbia? You’re lagging behind in the Ivy League arms race!
• Cornell: “A generation of I-Bankers are we.” A generation of I-Bankers that inverts regular sentence structure, indeed!
• Dartmouth: No news today.
• Harvard: U.S. Senate still getting up in our grill!
• Penn: “I have a stalking problem.”
• Princeton: Princeton Borough is extra-proud of itself for the latest measures in the War on Fun.

• Columbia: I wanted to make fun of this article, but I was won over while reading it.
• Cornell: The debased Marxism of the Ivy League.
• Dartmouth: “Hey, I’m not interested in you in a romantic way, but I also don’t want to treat you purely as a sexual object at my beck and call.”
  
• Princeton: Great letter, LBJ, but why are you still reading the Prince?
• Yale: Snowstikas!

Breaking! Penn’s Social Planning and Events Committee sent us an email announcing their Spring Fling band today and it’s… Limp Bizkit! This must be the apotheosis of Ivy League spring concerts, so intensely “irony-hungry” that I was totally speechless until our Thursday Ragtime guy and resident Pennian, James Yu, pointed out that SPEC’s email address was in Gmail, so maybe it’s a prank? If so, it is an idea so perfect in concept, so elegant in detail and design (press embargo! exclamation points!) that we’ll have to bow down to whoever came up with it. We had James write a Bizkit bio:

Last seen toying with the angst-ridden hearts of suburban high schoolers eight or so years ago, Limp Bizkit is headlining Penn’s Spring Fling this April. Fred Durst, Limp’s limp 37-year old frontman, has been best known in recent years for sexing batshit crazy Britney Spears before she was crazy and for allegedly leaking a sex tape online in 2005 to gain publicity.

See SPEC’s embargoed email and multi-exclamation-pointed flyer after the jump.

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