Yale’s famed coffee shop, The Yankee Doodle, unexpectedly shut its doors on Monday, leaving nostalgic Yalies confused, angry, and ready to write thousands of words to one another about how much they loved this restaurant that they don’t actually seem to frequent anymore. The “Doodle” - which actually sounds like a pretty neat place, a 280 square foot hole-in-the-wall with twelve stools and some skillets - shut its doors because the Beckwith family, which has owned it for over fifty-seven years (I can totally imagine Franny or Seymour hanging out there!) could no longer pay the rent.

But the Yale community isn’t letting this piece of history go gently into the night. Not since, well, not since last week when Zeta Psi did some very stupid things have we seen such an outcry in the pages of the Yale Daily News.

The over-the-top coverage has been nothing short of extraordinary: there have been columns, eulogies, and yes, even a poem (and it’s not “Yankee Doodle Went To Town”).

A sample:

[That era] went riding out of town yesterday with Yankee Doodle. And all that may be left are the reflections.”

Annette Walton, the Flower Lady, who spends her days on the intersection at which Yankee Doodle made its mark for 58 years, took the news particularly hard… “Oh my god, oh my god. I would have given them some flowers or something if I knew. I would have given them some flowers.”

An excerpt from the poem by YDN “Guest Poet” Mark J. Schenker:

I just can’t get it through my noodle:/ Someone up and yanked The Doodle! / I write as one who found it dandy:/ The food was good, and fast, and handy.”

According to the YDN, owner Richard Beckwith has received “thousands of e-mails and phone calls in support of the Doodle” (thousands, YDN? Really?).

But not so fast! The Doodle might not be going anywhere, not just yet… After the jump: the Doodle’s planned resurrection.

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Looking to fill the void in your voyeuristic reading routine now that Sex and the Ivy is gone? The Cornell Sun would like you to meet “Jenna B.,” their anonymous biweekly sex columnist:

Twentyish dudes ago … my first sexual endeavor concluded with a condom floating around lost inside my body for two days.

Thinking back to the glorious moment when the rubbery, slimy souvenir surfaced from the murky depths of my vag a couple of mornings after the incident (putting a stop to the nightmares in which I gave birth to a baby who had this condom growing out of its face in place of a nose), I wish I’d had the presence of mind to throw the thing in a jar and save it. … On second thought, I’m glad I didn’t save it; it was kind of stinky.

Is that even possible? Superhuman physical feats aside, Jenna B. has hopped on the latest of Ivy daily trends: Uncomfortably vivid and rhapsodically grotesque descriptions of vaginas. You could make a whole college tour out of various campuses’ vagina metaphors of choice! Yale likes its pie served with papayas, while Dartmouth dines on sugarbush, and Cornell… well…

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• Penn: Is AlliedBarton even screening these people? Maureen Rush says yes, but the results say no.
• Yale: Christianarchisti, this one goes out to you.
• Brown: Award for Best Headline Pun of the Day
• Columbia: Many platitudes for new Barnard prez. Yawn.
• Cornell: Midwestern girl confused by slang, marvels at “advent of Facebook.” What is this, a panel of Family Circus?
• Harvard: Does this Harvard hoodie make me look like a douche? Yeah? Dammit.

• 
• Brown: Well fuck you too, MPAA.
• Columbia: “Columbia by all rights ought to be a great, world-renowned institution, yet it continually settles for mere excellence.”
• Cornell: Some financial-aid envy.
• Dartmouth: “Any new chapter of the fraternity must participate in a “Men of Principle” program and sign a pledge that the chapter’s physical plant will be alcohol-free.” John Belushi is spinning in his grave.
• Penn: “It was really high energy, everyone was really excited to welcome the new class,” said College junior and president of Delta Delta Delta Rebecca Feldman. “Each girl had a sister waiting with a poster with her name on it.” OMG YAY!
• Yale: The U.S. Senate wants to fuck Yale up.

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IvyGate has learned that Penn’s 2008 Commencement speaker will be none other than American presidential candidate Barack Obama. Yay Barack Obama! What a perfect choice.

Haha just kidding. Rumor has it that it’s actually teevee’s Emeril Lagasse, the raging boozehound chef who has like eight shows on the Food Network. Surely the Penn kids won’t whine over this one, just like they didn’t when famous actress Jodie Foster spoke in 2006. Way to flex those muscles, Penn!

Oof. Sucks to be you, Penn seniors, if this is the case. Bear in mind, however, that he’s still better than the 2007 speaker, James Baker, who was a Republican.

UPDATE: The Daily Pennsylvanian, after IvyGate initially posted the rumor of Emeril Lagasse shortly before 1 a.m. Monday morning (Sunday night? Meh), followed our lead and today reported that the rumor was, in fact, a hoax. Whoever was behind this hoax does not have a great sense of humor, since Emeril Lagasse carries about the same level of celebrity and renown for which Penn will ultimately shell out in its upcoming selection.

Several hours after IvyGate posted the rumor — as characterized by use of the word “rumor” — the DP posted the rumor on its website, at the same time rightly indicating that their staunch ethics code puts them above the publishing of these kinds of “rumors“: “However, even though IvyGate reported it, you won’t see a story with that news in today’s DP. When we hear about important events, we make sure the news is credible and seek confirmation before rushing to print.” For those that haven’t worked at a newspaper, this is, indeed, how our beloved institution of investigative print journalism functions, and oftentimes thrives.

After slogging through the muck for truth today, the DP confirmed with the school that Emeril Lagasse has not been selected as Commencement speaker. The DP was sweet enough to mention that dear old IvyGate reported the rumor first, and bless their kindly young souls for the shoutout. They did, however, err in noting that IvyGate had reported the story “as fact,” which, again, contradicts IvyGate’s use of the word “rumor.”

Nice teamwork, DP! We report, You… go and do newspapery things with it.

Adam Solomon (Y ‘10), “Co-President of the Committe for Freedom,” passes on to us photographic evidence of the work of a gang of debonair vigilantes. Here’s the backstory.

After the jump — more pictures!

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• Cornell: Cornell’s mascot: “Big Red Bear” who enjoys wearing a “myriad of outfits.” Yeah.
• Dartmouth: Ours is a lost generation.
• Harvard: A picture of Charlize Theron is worth a thousand words about some lame Harvard tradtion.
• Penn: Isn’t this like the plot of How High?
• Yale: Yale is fat. Is not, charges letter-writer.

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It looks like massive crime waves aren’t all that Penn has going for it. Touché! Somehow, someway, Penn is sending two of its own to compete in this Saturday’s Ms. Ameirica pageant (to be shown, bizarrely, on TLC): Rachel Brooks, a Masters candidate at Penn’s School of Government, and Lindsay Casmaer, ‘05.

Because I’m sure you’re dying to know, here’s the scoop: Rachel Brooks earned a Bachelor of Science degree from West Chester University and won Ms. Pennsylvania under the platform Autism Awareness: Unlocking the Mystery. She’s been busy making appearances around the state, etc. etc. But enough from me; here’s some Rachel on Rachel:

In addition to working with Susan on my talent I have been working out with my trainer AJ to get ready for swimsuit. I’ve never been pushed so hard in my life. He’s tough but good. Not only have I seen terrific changes in my body but I also feel stronger than ever. It honestly believe that I am in better shape now at almost 25, then when I was in dance company as a teenager. Thanks AJ! Working out is really helping me keep up my stamina, especially for all of the shopping trips I have take with Marlene.

After the jump: MORE PICTURES, and some Lindsay on Lindsay.

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WE LOVE YALE SLUTS-gate rumbles on. The Zeta Psi pledge photographed holding the sign, Giovanni Christodoulou ‘11, chooses a unique defense:

“I never even read the sign,” Christodoulou, a wide receiver and defensive back for the Yale football team, said in the interview. “They gave me the sign, and I held it up.”

Of all excuses, this has to be the one we least saw coming. Rumor has it the football star is also in trouble for wearing his team jacket during the misadventure, though we find it hard to believe anything on his body is more problematic than that bandana. Then again, it would suck to have bad hair in the one picture that gets you on the cover of the school newspaper and blasted across a zillion blogs, so we understand the dilemma.

A brief discontinuity in the IvyGate continuum: Around 2PM yesterday our post on papayagina abortion went dead, following Yale Daily News’ removal of an online article about a pro-choice event where, among other things, students simulated abortions on papayas. YDN’s explanation:

Out of concern for Rasha Khoury, whose quoted comments were being dangerously misinterpreted throughout the blogosphere, we removed the story yesterday afternoon from YaleDailyNews.com

Leave it to pro-lifers to get all dangerous with misinterpretation. (Does Francisco Nava have a blog?) Of course, YDN’s removal of the story is slightly futile, since copies of the original are already circulating right-wing blogs. We also have a feeling the Eric Rudolphs of the world aren’t the type to check facts. Khoury (Med ‘08) writes in today’s YDN that the papayabortions were “to practice and demystify, not trivialize, the procedure.”

Oddly, the trivializing forces of L’Affair Papaya are mostly on the other side. Dawn Eden, author of Thrill of the Chaste, hosted a contest to rewrite Yale’s anthem “for all those liberal arts students … about to learn how to suction a live baby out of the womb,” a clear homage to conservative Clinton Taylor’s “Taliban Boolah Boolah” fight song.

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