IvyGate’s feelings toward Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen have been well-documented. Which is to say, she’s our best enemy, or maybe our worst frenemy, it’s hard to keep track. But there is one feeling we have toward Lena that is unequivocal: we don’t want to see her naked. But yesterday, we did. We also saw her getting railed by a guy with gnarly pubes and pasty thighs.

A “tipster” calling himself FUCKLENA posted thrice at 7:43PM on December 21:

SEX AND THE IVY’S LENA CHEN SEX GALLERY!!!!!!!
[url redacted]

The 12-photo gallery featured four of Ms. Chen in the buff, one of which was taken from the angle of a blond-pubed man penetrating the “Bleeding Heart Nympho” vaginally. Another featured a pouting Chen pulling at the edge of her panties to reveal a tattoo we at first identified as a “flying penguin unfurling its penguin wings” (thanks, Hal), but upon further inspection recognized as a Claddagh ring, a traditional Irish wedding ring now popularized as a “promise ring” for the young and chaste.

We may be childish rumor-mongers here at IvyGate, but pornographers we are not. I instantly instant messaged Lena to get the scoop, and she reported that the blond pubes in question belong to “Sam,” a 35-year-old Penn grad student who is clearly more than a little messed up if he spends his free time trying to ruin a young co-ed’s reputation. Lena tells us she has been trying to ditch Sam for the last nine months (despite a November blog entry about him entitled “The Man I Could’ve Loved“) and is not at all surprised by the emergence of these pics. “This is actually a good thing,” she explains, “because now I can get a restraining order or something. … On the bright side, I think this qualifies as an excuse for me to get an extension on my term paper.”

After the jump, Lena’s surprisingly calm chat on the Ivy League lovers’ spat, and two carefully chosen and non-pornographic pics from the gallery.

UPDATE: IvyGate will return to a normal posting schedule on Jan 14. Enjoy the holidays/exams.

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There won’t be any posts on this site for a while. Using nothing but a calendar, a magnifying glass, and the title of this post, see if you can figure out why.

Bored already? Don’t be! You can read Francisco Nava’s dizzyingly retarded op/ed, “Princeton’s Latex Lies.” Or you can check out this hilarious article from McSweeney’s which should (sadly) hit home for many Ivy League alumni. Lastly, there comes a troubling tale of igloos and athletes courtesy of the Crimson.

But let’s not forget what Christmas is really about — a celebration of the birth of Christ.

Have a magnificent Christmas season,

-Hal, Jacob, & Maureen 

Yesterday marked the end of Brown sophomore Grant Gilles’ finals period self-imprisonment in the Brown Science Library. Though Gilles’ original goal was to use his footage in the Residential Life Committee’s annual “Why I deserve the best housing on campus” video contest (the prize being first pick in the housing lottery), he writes,

3 days into the imprisonment, after waking from a nap in the apartment’s cot, I was informed that they were not holding a video contest. … While they have not officially told the campus, I guess they are having a talent show, which everyone thinks is pretty whack. I mean I am not too phased though because I having been working with our legal division and their telling me that living in library for a week fits the definition of “talent.” 

More from Grant on the perils of acclimating to the outside world and, per request of those debating the relative cuteness of Brown’s Sire of Stircrazy, another picture.

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Apparently GoCrossCampus, that super complicated internet Ivy League war-game thingee, still exists and is thriving or something. We’d update you on how everyone is doing, but that’d require understanding how it works. Luckily, Kurt Hugo Schneider (the Yalie behind the genius known as “Watch YTV“), has an explanation, and it’s in his usual catchy music video form, featuring songstress sweetheart Meg Martinez and yet another pidgin-speaking emasculated Asian male for cheap laughs.

v

I’d question the logic behind the Asian-bash-for-giggles thing (Anger regarding academic competitiveness? Redirected sexual anxieties from overeager college kids?), but that’d be even more complicated than the rules to GoCrossCampus, so, meh. If only GoCrossCampus actually had the power to inspire choreographed fight scenes with musically talented dweeb-chic boys in scenic locations all over campus — then I’d take the time to figure it out. In the meantime, I’ll just watch the movie.

Sherif Girgis (P ‘08) is the former President of the Anscombe Society, a Rhodes Scholar, and a notorious Mensch to boot. He has provided us with a statement on behalf of the Anscombe Society regarding the events of the past few days. Here we were hoping for a streetfight, and Girgis gives us this eloquent, civil stuff.

Girgis absolves the University completely of all charges that they acted improperly in the handling of the affair. With respect to Nava’s shenanigans, he breaks out the ultimate Anscombe diss, calling them, “distinctly unchaste.” He also details the scrupulous and responsible manner in which the officers of the Anscombe Society investigated the possibility that this could be a hoax.

Some representative excerpts:

Some outside the University criticized the administration for what they perceived to be an anemic response or politically motivated indifference, but this is grossly unfair. From the time of the e-mailed death threats onward, Princeton’s administrators and Public Safety officers have acted with impeccable competence and prudence.

From its inception, the Anscombe Society has prided itself on valuing reason over rhetoric, dialectic over polemic, and civility over belligerence. Needless to say, the twisted utilitarian calculus by which supposedly noble ends would justify deception, self-mutilation (Francisco confirmed that he acted alone at every step) and other manifestly evil means could not be more at odds with the principles that underlie our moral convictions or the unswerving commitment to truth that guides our approach.

I should end with a word about Francisco, whom I saw, perhaps for the last time, last night. I cannot, of course, speak for the entire campus community that he dragged through an unholy triduum of sorrow, then fear, and then confused anger. Nor is this the place to wonder idly about motives, or what punishment Francisco will incur. For my part and on behalf of the Society, I wish only to express our hope that he will find healing and forgiveness.

If there’s a lesson to be learned from the whole ordeal, let it be that the word “triduum” — which I had to look up — means, “a period of three days of prayer usually preceding a Roman Catholic feast.” And folks, that’s no hoax.

After the jump — Sherif Girgis’s statement in full:

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And now, a break from our exhaustive coverage of The Talented Mr. Nava for a dispatch from Brown, where sophomore Grant Gilles is on his sixth day of self-imposed imprisonment in the Brown Science Library. SciLi is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week during finals, prompting Gilles to move in and document his plight on film. In a series of emails Gilles explained his living situation and librarian-enforced exile from the group study room he commandeered as his “apartment” (and decorated with a 5-foot wall of empty coffee cups). He explains his living conditions:

- i have set up a series of shelving space for clothing in desks on the upper floors.
- i brush my teeth, deodorize, and make-shift shower in the bathrooms.
- i have been exercising by running up and down the 14 floors and around in circles, many, many circles.
- people keep calling me to take my order for cafeteria takeout. i feel bad turning people down so i got 3 lunches yesterday.

Gilles’ letters from the 24-hour trenches of SciLi, and more pictures, after the jump.

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Poor Princeton conservatives! Looks like the leaders of the Anscombe Society, Princeton’s abstinence group, have a bit of apologizing to do to their liberal peers (as do some jerks in the national media). Let’s stroll down memory lane and see if we can recall some of their finer moments as they defended the Talented Mr. Nava:

Professor Robert George on receiving an email threat: “If I were betting, I’d bet next month’s salary that … this is someone who stupidly thinks that no one is entitled to disagree with him, and if they do, that they’ll be intimidated into silence by threatening.”

Okay, Robbie. Will you be making that check out to NARAL or Emily’s List?

Anscombe VP Jonathan Hwang:

This is the worst form of trying to silence opposing views: intimidation and fear.  If they were to stop issuing threats and actually come to the table with rational arguments or any intent for civil discourse, we’ll be ready and waiting.”

Who are “they,” Jonathan?  Liberals who simply can’t argue things rationally and beat the crap out of people instead? I mean, has that ever actually happened?

After the jump: more outrageous outrage!

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Some reasons L’Affaire Anscombe seemed fishy from the start:

• Nava claimed to have received a threat that read: “ONE MORE ARTICLE AND YOU WON’T LIVE TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.” Has anyone ever gotten something like this? It’s straight out of a D movie, and the sort of thing only an op/ed writer would dream up. Because really, nobody but you, your roommate, and your mom are reading those Prince columns.

• This quote: “For several days I lived in fear of saying, writing or even thinking anything controversial in class or informally among my friends.” Here Nava implies that some violent gay mafia is in cahoots with the thought police. Hello, psychosis.

• The email threats came from a computer in Firestone library, where Nava was placed at the time. Furthermore, there were two threats: the second one followed after the first one was relegated to the recipients’ spam folder. How would a mythical violent “sexual liberationist” know that the first email had been rejected unless he had sent it to himself?

• No self-respecting thug would use an Orangina bottle in a streetfight. Broken bottles are for barfights, and even then, it’s gotta be 6% alcohol at least.

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The jig is up. Francisco Nava (P’ 08), the student who allegedly received a series of emailed threats before becoming the victim of a violent assault, has come clean — he faked it, the bizarrely  personal threats (”YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE WRONG CAUSE”), the prefab narrative of conservative martyrdom, the perfectly-timed assault, everthing.

Let me be honest, EVERYONE SAW THIS COMING. Although it would be pointless now to post a list of problems with Nava’s account, it was a long list and it was a pretty good list. Stuff like: why did the threats begin merely after Nava spoke up in class and precept? Was he being stalked by a classmate? When the first round of threatening emails was intercepted by the Princeton spam filter, how did the stalker figure this out, as he must have in order to send a second round?

Why is the low-level officer who wrote a witless op/ed on condoms the target and not, you know, the outspoken Rhodes Scholar and former President of the Anscombe Society? How would the assailant have a car immediately ready to follow Nava to any destination? But the most damning piece of evidence was this: as a student at Groton, Nava wrote “Die Faggots!” on a wall and cried wolf. I mean, c’mon…

From the Prince:

     Francisco Nava ‘09 has admitted to fabricating an alleged assault on him that he said occurred Friday evening and also to sending threatening emails to himself, other members of the Anscombe Society and prominent conservative politics professor Robert George, Princeton Township Police said today.

    “He fabricated the story,” Det. Sgt. Ernie Silagyi said.

Go crazy right now.

Here is an embarassment of links from the Prince, the New York Sun, the Tory blog, and the First Things blog.

(FOR TOMORROW: Did Nava inflict his wounds himself or pay someone to inflict them? Are there other conspirators?) 

An interesting coincidence: The same weekend that George H. W. Bush (Y’48, S&B’4life) dropped by New Haven to receive a Yale alumni award, witnesses saw a truck from the nearby Hamden Rental Center unloading an impressive quantity of tables and chairs at the Skull & Bones tomb. Famously absent from Boner bashes in recent years (last appearance we can confirm was in 1998), all signs point to the 83-year-old Bush Sr. as guest of honor at the Bones’ latest homoerotic leather-daddy Satan-worship, or ritualized flag-burning, or whatever strange and magical things they do in those windowless buildings on High Street.

Obviously, the Bonesmen declined to comment on this story. Also obviously, there are no photos of Bush strolling into the tomb. So instead, at right, Bush frolicking in the streets of New Haven. He appears to be packing a snowball, but actually he is signing a baseball. Because that’s what you do when you’re old, famous, and powerful: sign sports paraphernalia that has absolutely nothing to do with the reason you are famous.

As for that blatant O-face beneath the words “Toad’s Funk,” I think we just got a new sexual euphemism.