IvyGate's feelings toward Lena "I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily" Chen have been well-documented. Which is to say, she's our best enemy, or maybe our worst frenemy, it's hard to keep track. But there is one feeling we have toward Lena that is unequivocal: we don't want to see her naked. But yesterday, we did. We also saw her getting railed by a guy with gnarly pubes and pasty thighs.

A "tipster" calling himself FUCKLENA posted thrice at 7:43PM on December 21:

SEX AND THE IVY'S LENA CHEN SEX GALLERY!!!!!!!
[url redacted]

The 12-photo gallery featured four of Ms. Chen in the buff, one of which was taken from the angle of a blond-pubed man penetrating the "Bleeding Heart Nympho" vaginally. Another featured a pouting Chen pulling at the edge of her panties to reveal a tattoo we at first identified as a "flying penguin unfurling its penguin wings" (thanks, Hal), but upon further inspection recognized as a Claddagh ring, a traditional Irish wedding ring now popularized as a "promise ring" for the young and chaste.

We may be childish rumor-mongers here at IvyGate, but pornographers we are not. I instantly instant messaged Lena to get the scoop, and she reported that the blond pubes in question belong to "Sam," a 35-year-old Penn grad student who is clearly more than a little messed up if he spends his free time trying to ruin a young co-ed's reputation. Lena tells us she has been trying to ditch Sam for the last nine months (despite a November blog entry about him entitled "The Man I Could've Loved") and is not at all surprised by the emergence of these pics. "This is actually a good thing," she explains, "because now I can get a restraining order or something. ... On the bright side, I think this qualifies as an excuse for me to get an extension on my term paper."

After the jump, Lena's surprisingly calm chat on the Ivy League lovers' spat, and two carefully chosen and non-pornographic pics from the gallery.

UPDATE: IvyGate will return to a normal posting schedule on Jan 14. Enjoy the holidays/exams.

Continue reading "Lena Chen and the Case of the Naughty Nudie Pics" »

December 22, 2007 1:43 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (114) | Read more: sex and the ivy

There won't be any posts on this site for a while. Using nothing but a calendar, a magnifying glass, and the title of this post, see if you can figure out why.

Bored already? Don't be! You can read Francisco Nava's dizzyingly retarded op/ed, "Princeton's Latex Lies." Or you can check out this hilarious article from McSweeney's which should (sadly) hit home for many Ivy League alumni. Lastly, there comes a troubling tale of igloos and athletes courtesy of the Crimson.

But let's not forget what Christmas is really about -- a celebration of the birth of Christ.

Have a magnificent Christmas season,

-Hal, Jacob, & Maureen 

December 21, 2007 7:02 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (18) | Read more:

Yesterday marked the end of Brown sophomore Grant Gilles' finals period self-imprisonment in the Brown Science Library. Though Gilles' original goal was to use his footage in the Residential Life Committee's annual "Why I deserve the best housing on campus" video contest (the prize being first pick in the housing lottery), he writes,

3 days into the imprisonment, after waking from a nap in the apartment's cot, I was informed that they were not holding a video contest. ... While they have not officially told the campus, I guess they are having a talent show, which everyone thinks is pretty whack. I mean I am not too phased though because I having been working with our legal division and their telling me that living in library for a week fits the definition of "talent." 

More from Grant on the perils of acclimating to the outside world and, per request of those debating the relative cuteness of Brown's Sire of Stircrazy, another picture.

Continue reading "Sweet Freedom for Brown Student Imprisoned in Library" »

December 20, 2007 7:12 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (32) | Read more: Brown

Apparently GoCrossCampus, that super complicated internet Ivy League war-game thingee, still exists and is thriving or something. We'd update you on how everyone is doing, but that'd require understanding how it works. Luckily, Kurt Hugo Schneider (the Yalie behind the genius known as "Watch YTV"), has an explanation, and it's in his usual catchy music video form, featuring songstress sweetheart Meg Martinez and yet another pidgin-speaking emasculated Asian male for cheap laughs.

v

I'd question the logic behind the Asian-bash-for-giggles thing (Anger regarding academic competitiveness? Redirected sexual anxieties from overeager college kids?), but that'd be even more complicated than the rules to GoCrossCampus, so, meh. If only GoCrossCampus actually had the power to inspire choreographed fight scenes with musically talented dweeb-chic boys in scenic locations all over campus -- then I'd take the time to figure it out. In the meantime, I'll just watch the movie.

December 19, 2007 2:34 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (50) | Read more: Yale , YouTube , gocrosscampus

Sherif Girgis (P '08) is the former President of the Anscombe Society, a Rhodes Scholar, and a notorious Mensch to boot. He has provided us with a statement on behalf of the Anscombe Society regarding the events of the past few days. Here we were hoping for a streetfight, and Girgis gives us this eloquent, civil stuff.

Girgis absolves the University completely of all charges that they acted improperly in the handling of the affair. With respect to Nava's shenanigans, he breaks out the ultimate Anscombe diss, calling them, "distinctly unchaste." He also details the scrupulous and responsible manner in which the officers of the Anscombe Society investigated the possibility that this could be a hoax.

Some representative excerpts:

Some outside the University criticized the administration for what they perceived to be an anemic response or politically motivated indifference, but this is grossly unfair. From the time of the e-mailed death threats onward, Princeton’s administrators and Public Safety officers have acted with impeccable competence and prudence.

From its inception, the Anscombe Society has prided itself on valuing reason over rhetoric, dialectic over polemic, and civility over belligerence. Needless to say, the twisted utilitarian calculus by which supposedly noble ends would justify deception, self-mutilation (Francisco confirmed that he acted alone at every step) and other manifestly evil means could not be more at odds with the principles that underlie our moral convictions or the unswerving commitment to truth that guides our approach.

I should end with a word about Francisco, whom I saw, perhaps for the last time, last night. I cannot, of course, speak for the entire campus community that he dragged through an unholy triduum of sorrow, then fear, and then confused anger. Nor is this the place to wonder idly about motives, or what punishment Francisco will incur. For my part and on behalf of the Society, I wish only to express our hope that he will find healing and forgiveness.

If there's a lesson to be learned from the whole ordeal, let it be that the word "triduum" -- which I had to look up -- means, "a period of three days of prayer usually preceding a Roman Catholic feast." And folks, that's no hoax.

After the jump -- Sherif Girgis's statement in full:

Continue reading "The Anscombe Affair, Part V: After Sherif, The Deluge" »

December 18, 2007 5:26 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (17) | Read more: anscombe affair

And now, a break from our exhaustive coverage of The Talented Mr. Nava for a dispatch from Brown, where sophomore Grant Gilles is on his sixth day of self-imposed imprisonment in the Brown Science Library. SciLi is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week during finals, prompting Gilles to move in and document his plight on film. In a series of emails Gilles explained his living situation and librarian-enforced exile from the group study room he commandeered as his "apartment" (and decorated with a 5-foot wall of empty coffee cups). He explains his living conditions:

- i have set up a series of shelving space for clothing in desks on the upper floors.
- i brush my teeth, deodorize, and make-shift shower in the bathrooms.
- i have been exercising by running up and down the 14 floors and around in circles, many, many circles.
- people keep calling me to take my order for cafeteria takeout. i feel bad turning people down so i got 3 lunches yesterday.

Gilles' letters from the 24-hour trenches of SciLi, and more pictures, after the jump.

Continue reading "Brown Student Moves into 24-hour Library" »

December 18, 2007 2:14 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (33) | Read more: Brown

Poor Princeton conservatives! Looks like the leaders of the Anscombe Society, Princeton's abstinence group, have a bit of apologizing to do to their liberal peers (as do some jerks in the national media). Let's stroll down memory lane and see if we can recall some of their finer moments as they defended the Talented Mr. Nava:

Professor Robert George on receiving an email threat: "If I were betting, I'd bet next month's salary that ... this is someone who stupidly thinks that no one is entitled to disagree with him, and if they do, that they'll be intimidated into silence by threatening."

Okay, Robbie. Will you be making that check out to NARAL or Emily's List?

Anscombe VP Jonathan Hwang:

This is the worst form of trying to silence opposing views: intimidation and fear.  If they were to stop issuing threats and actually come to the table with rational arguments or any intent for civil discourse, we'll be ready and waiting."

Who are "they," Jonathan?  Liberals who simply can't argue things rationally and beat the crap out of people instead? I mean, has that ever actually happened?

After the jump: more outrageous outrage!

Continue reading "The Anscombe Affair, Part IV: Conservatives Eat Crow" »

December 18, 2007 1:01 PM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (11) | Read more: Princeton , anscombe affair , anscombe society

Some reasons L'Affaire Anscombe seemed fishy from the start:

• Nava claimed to have received a threat that read: "ONE MORE ARTICLE AND YOU WON'T LIVE TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY." Has anyone ever gotten something like this? It's straight out of a D movie, and the sort of thing only an op/ed writer would dream up. Because really, nobody but you, your roommate, and your mom are reading those Prince columns.
  

• This quote: "For several days I lived in fear of saying, writing or even thinking anything controversial in class or informally among my friends." Here Nava implies that some violent gay mafia is in cahoots with the thought police. Hello, psychosis.

• The email threats came from a computer in Firestone library, where Nava was placed at the time. Furthermore, there were two threats: the second one followed after the first one was relegated to the recipients' spam folder. How would a mythical violent "sexual liberationist" know that the first email had been rejected unless he had sent it to himself?
  

• No self-respecting thug would use an Orangina bottle in a streetfight. Broken bottles are for barfights, and even then, it's gotta be 6% alcohol at least.

Continue reading "The Anscombe Affair, Part III: How We Knew He Was Faking" »

December 17, 2007 8:58 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (41) | Read more: Princeton , anscombe affair , anscombe society

The jig is up. Francisco Nava (P' 08), the student who allegedly received a series of emailed threats before becoming the victim of a violent assault, has come clean -- he faked it, the bizarrely  personal threats ("YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE WRONG CAUSE"), the prefab narrative of conservative martyrdom, the perfectly-timed assault, everthing.

Let me be honest, EVERYONE SAW THIS COMING. Although it would be pointless now to post a list of problems with Nava's account, it was a long list and it was a pretty good list. Stuff like: why did the threats begin merely after Nava spoke up in class and precept? Was he being stalked by a classmate? When the first round of threatening emails was intercepted by the Princeton spam filter, how did the stalker figure this out, as he must have in order to send a second round?

Why is the low-level officer who wrote a witless op/ed on condoms the target and not, you know, the outspoken Rhodes Scholar and former President of the Anscombe Society? How would the assailant have a car immediately ready to follow Nava to any destination? But the most damning piece of evidence was this: as a student at Groton, Nava wrote "Die Faggots!" on a wall and cried wolf. I mean, c'mon...

From the Prince:

     Francisco Nava '09 has admitted to fabricating an alleged assault on him that he said occurred Friday evening and also to sending threatening emails to himself, other members of the Anscombe Society and prominent conservative politics professor Robert George, Princeton Township Police said today.

    "He fabricated the story," Det. Sgt. Ernie Silagyi said.

Go crazy right now.

Here is an embarassment of links from the Prince, the New York Sun, the Tory blog, and the First Things blog.

(FOR TOMORROW: Did Nava inflict his wounds himself or pay someone to inflict them? Are there other conspirators?) 

December 17, 2007 2:48 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (55) | Read more: anscombe affair

An interesting coincidence: The same weekend that George H. W. Bush (Y'48, S&B'4life) dropped by New Haven to receive a Yale alumni award, witnesses saw a truck from the nearby Hamden Rental Center unloading an impressive quantity of tables and chairs at the Skull & Bones tomb. Famously absent from Boner bashes in recent years (last appearance we can confirm was in 1998), all signs point to the 83-year-old Bush Sr. as guest of honor at the Bones' latest homoerotic leather-daddy Satan-worship, or ritualized flag-burning, or whatever strange and magical things they do in those windowless buildings on High Street.

Obviously, the Bonesmen declined to comment on this story. Also obviously, there are no photos of Bush strolling into the tomb. So instead, at right, Bush frolicking in the streets of New Haven. He appears to be packing a snowball, but actually he is signing a baseball. Because that's what you do when you're old, famous, and powerful: sign sports paraphernalia that has absolutely nothing to do with the reason you are famous.

As for that blatant O-face beneath the words "Toad's Funk," I think we just got a new sexual euphemism.

December 17, 2007 12:42 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (164) | Read more: Secret Societies , Yale , bush , skull and bones

Last Friday Francisco Nava (P'09), a prominent member of anti-modernity-club the Anscombe Society, was taken into an alley and beaten senseless, the culmination of a series of threatening letters which began in mid-October. Only a day before Brandon McGinley (P' 10) had this to say about the letters in a Prince op/ed:

These tactics are part of a pattern designed to silence members of our community who speak out against the hookup culture and sexual liberationist ideology.

Take that, self-righteous hunger-strikers. Strangely, the menacing letters started not after Nava's infamous condom-condemnation, "Princeton's Latex Lies," but instead, according to McGinley, after he "spoke up in class and precept" on Anscombe-y topics. The first message ominously informed Nava via his Frist mailbox, "YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE WRONG CAUSE."

Soon they came to do more than inform, however. Two days ago we learned that Nava, en route to a house in Princeton Township of a local student he tutors, was dragged into an alley and attacked by two assailants.

Continue reading "The Anscombe Affair, Part I" »

December 16, 2007 4:43 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (32) | Read more: Princeton , anscombe affair , hate crime

We get it: Dorm bathrooms are kinda gross, and not terrible attractive places to spend time. But is it really so hard to tinkle and flush in the appropriate receptacle? Yes, answered Dartmouth last week, in a group e-mail searching for tips on the identity of the mysterious person soiling the laundry room by night.

This week, the story of the phantom pisser moves to Cornell, where a group e-mail to residents of Founder Hall details the "big health concern" posed by those who pee in bottles and leave them in public spaces. But isn't urine supposed to be sterile or something? In which case this is not a "big health concern," so much as a massive gross-out.

Pee-plexing e-mail after the jump. 

Continue reading "Phantom Pisser Moves to Cornell and Switches to Bottles" »

December 13, 2007 2:36 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (21) | Read more: Cornell , Dorm life

Yalies are really into their Christmas penises. We're not so sure why.  Another tipster writes in:

Well, in response to your story of today about Yale's lights, the freshman in JE amended the message on the side of Farnam to be more accurate, rearranging a few lights here and there. ES is the acronym for Ezra Stiles college, the one that....erected the original display. ES and JE apparently agree on something - ES sucks cock!"

December 13, 2007 10:23 AM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (26) | Read more: Yale , christmas , penis

'Tis the season for many things, including giant electric penises. 

A tipster writes in: 

Last night, between 10pm and 3am, the freshmen of the Ezra Stiles college at Yale constructed a massive christmas light penis on the front of Lawrance as a response to the traditional christmas light "JE SUX" written across the front of Farnum, the adjacent dorm. The penis was estimated to be about 100 feet long, and even sported multi-colored, blinking ejaculate. The penis will ostensibly remain on Lawrance through the end of finals (next week)."

Argh! All this Yale geography is confusing me! I think the point is that ever since Father Time first came around, Yale students have been writing "JE SUX" on one of their buildings to the chagrin of other Yale students. Thankfully the war has apparently escalated into an epic battle of electric penises, which is far more satisfying for the rest of us.

After the jump: the electric penis ejaculates all over Harvard. More pictures.

Continue reading "The Yale Christmas Penis Brings Holiday Cheer to All Who Cross Its Path" »

December 12, 2007 10:55 AM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (31) | Read more: Yale , christmas , penis

We were willing to overlook the Prince's decision to publish an exegetical piece on copraphagic viral video phenom "2 Girls 1 Cup," but then yesterday's article on violations of "no pet" dorm policies contained this:

Emily said her kittens have also created odor-related woes, especially when they had digestive infections that caused them to defecate often....

"A little known fact about young kittens [is that] until [they are] about three to four weeks [old], they are incapable of stimulating their own waste-passing," she said. "In order for them to urinate or have a bowel movement, the mother usually licks their rear ends. When they are orphaned, a human has to rub their tushies to get them to go to the bathroom, or they will literally explode because of their own waste."

Congratulations to newly-anointed editors Jonathan Zebrowski and Yao Wang. You just ruined kittens for an entire generation of Princetonians.

December 11, 2007 2:11 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (2) | Read more: Dorm life , daily princetonian

• Brown: Is Brown the new Penn?
  
• Columbia: Barnard's weird Orthodox Jewess thing.
• Cornell: "Ashcroft was kind enough to have a question and answer session following his speech." Was he kind enough to do a little guest-lecturer-on-student waterboarding, Mr. Party Hack?
• Harvard: Sorta rich people can go to school for cheap too!
  
• Penn: Fundraising is going just fine. But who are they going to name the campus jail after? There are just too many choices!
• Princeton: It's weird when critics of critics are the ones being criticized.
  
• Yale: If only we can bask for a second in Harvard's refracted glory.
  

December 11, 2007 12:31 PM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (2) | Read more:

The incredibly dubious claim: The biggest player in NYC is a Harvard grad. According to the Today Show, America's "modern Casanova" is 32-year-old SAT tutor Paul Janka, who wrote some kind of book report called How To Get Laid in New York. In one of the most public cockblocks of our time, Meredith Viera's nationally syndicated segment features dramatic music straight from To Catch a Predator and tut-tutting from a frumpy female psychoanalyst. View it here. (The Today Show also blocks video embeds. Prudes!)

Among Mr. Janka's sage advice, from his Big Apple ass-tapping manual:

Pussy is really the second-most-abundant commodity on earth, after water.

December 10, 2007 5:17 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (37) | Read more: Harvard

"What's squash?" someone once asked over brunch at my eating club. "It's like tennis, but richer and whiter," someone else replied. Yeah, that's pretty much it. But I would add the detail, "people named Khan."

An article in the New York Times, part of its obsessive catering to the anxiety-wracked parents of the almost college-aged, reveals squash to be not the abstract pursuit of extracurricular excellence we all thought it was, but rather something more worldly. The Times explains:

Squash, an indoor racket sport long associated with private clubs and old-boy networks, is so esoteric that it barely qualifies as a back door. In terms of the number of actual spots on college rosters, it might be more of a pet door.

Squash tends to be played by people who live in places like Greenwich, Conn., and not -- to use an exquisitely Times-y euphemism -- "young people from the inner city." In other words, the cultivation of a relatively esoteric sport like squash becomes a way the affluent can leverage their affluence into improving their child's shot at getting into an Ivy.

This is because squash, while a definite "pro" on an admissions app, requires things only available to a certain minority -- leisure time, equipment and access to courts, club membership or boarding school attendance, or even a certain degree of cultural capital.

As one parent puts it:

Parents, Mr. Sher said, like the idea “that not everybody can play it, not everyone can afford it — it’s almost like it’s a more upscale product.”

So what is squash? Is it a quasi-nefarious way for "rich, white people" to circumvent the otherwise meritocratic standards of modern college admissions, or just an esteemed niche sport caught up in the craziness and ruthless market pressures of same modern college admissions?

Sam Jackson, didn't you go to Exeter? Weigh in on this.

After the jump -- the article in full, nothing actually, because the Times has informed us that posting the article was a violation of copyright.

December 10, 2007 2:48 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (12) | Read more: Ivy League , new york times , squash

• Brown: Trash for cash
• Columbia: "'The second I got to Barnard I was like, 'This is not going to be okay because it's just so girly'"
• Penn:"Girl Scouts represent more than just campfire songs and brownie uniforms."
• Yale: "I'm not supposed to be a principal speaker. So if I confine myself to 10 minutes or less, you can all say you were present at a historical occasion."
• Harvard: "Life at Harvard is pretty dreary. Between the cold, the slow Internet, and the demise of our underage booze kitty, I'm hard pressed to do more these days than lie in bed and imagine I'm surfing the web, drunk."

December 7, 2007 9:21 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (17) | Read more: RagTime

• Despite being a member of the Harvard College Republicans, Frances unanimously lost their endorsement.
• Her batshit crazy dad’s blog reads like that of a right-wing Christiananarchisti.
• She wants to “destroy” The Crimson.
• She wants HBO in every dorm so that everyone can watch boxing.
• She writes for Ringtalk, some sort of boxing site.
• This excerpt from an email sent to Chris Lacaria, the current head of the Harvard Republicans and apparently Frances’ sworn enemy.
  

The only thing I'm "reeling in disappointment" about is that humanity has to deal with your existence, and that because you go to this school there's a chance your tripe will be propagated to the masses. Oh, and I've never "casually lobbed" an insult at you that didn't come from the bottom of my heart, Mr. Lacaria.”

• And then of course there’s the whole fascist thing.

Continue reading "IvyGate Flip-Flops: We Endorse Frances Martel For Harvard UC President!!!" »

December 6, 2007 2:37 PM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (43) | Read more: Harvard , frances martel , student government

• 
• Brown: Whiny protestors protest, be-whine lack of news of whiny protests.
  
• Columbia: From gay escort to straight-up ideological whore.
  
• Columbia: The first four paragraphs are brilliant.
  
• Columbia: Bedbugs, cockroaches, oh my.
  
• Harvard: Can fisticuffs be far behind?
• Penn: Bonnie and Clyde take a bow.
  
• Princeton: Gather round children, hear the story of the Sexpert and the Can't-Ejaculate Kid.

December 6, 2007 12:43 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (2) | Read more: RagTime

At Brown eggs aren't the only thing you might find sizzling in a dorm kitchen. And at Yale sometimes the showers aren't so clean. At Dartmouth, however, they just piss in the laundry-room.

So we learn from an email sent out to, "residents of Ripley Woodward Smith,"  containing news of a "serious health risk." Apparently someone has urinated in a wastebacket in the laundry room. "More than once."

Proietti writes, "it is difficult to believe the person doing this is one of those living in this community." Is  it? Maybe it's that quiet kid? Some kind of fraternity deal? Or could it just be drunken coincidence?

After the jump -- the email that started it all! 

Continue reading "Dartmouth Terrorized by Phantom Pisser" »

December 5, 2007 8:22 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (30) | Read more: Dartmouth , laundry room

Frances Martel, our favorite Ivy League Republican sorta anti-Semite who is not Ann Coulter, is running for Harvard UC President. On Harvard Time interviewed her, and it turns out that she’s endearingly weird in person.

But what’s not so endearing is her fascistic, single-issue platform. If elected, the first thing Frances promises to do is “abolish parliamentary procedures.” This way she can rule Harvard by fiat and make the Jews accept her Lord.

No, really. Some choice excerpts from the interview: “People in power are quivering”; “we’ll blacklist them”; "I think I have the average perspective on the Jewish faith, which is 'It's nice.' I don't consider myself Jewish...I think it's wrong that they're doing what they're doing, and when you write persuasive pieces -- when you write opinion editorials -- you use all the weapons in your arsenal you can to convince people that you're right.”

Believe it or not, Martel’s running mate – who has not made a single campaign appearance – is Jewish.

Watch the video. Watch Frances’ awkward campaign manager nod and pretend to answer questions as Leo Zimmerman. Watch Frances in her pantsuit answer an entire question in Spanish.

After the jump: some other candidates field questions from On Harvard Time. They’re more normal, though, and therefore more boring.

Continue reading "Frances Martel Planning Fascist Overthrow of Harvard UC" »

December 5, 2007 12:41 PM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (25) | Read more: Harvard , frances martel , student government

Victims of Penn dorm-thief Jason Myers (Wharton '08) -- who stole high-end electronic playthings from unlocked rooms in Harnwell over break -- can take comfort in the fact that the ass who stole their iPhones has an ass that looks like this:

Actually, that's not comforting at all. But at least he looks good in orange? 

Dubbed "Mr. Pennitentiary" by DP blog The Spin, Myers is not just the latest example of Penn kids behaving badly, but is the reigning Mr. Penn, champ of the Ivy League's one and only bodybuilding contest! Expect his roid rage defense in court any day now. Though Myers was '07 at the time of his Mr. Penn coronation, he is now '08, and will probably be '09 or '10 pretty soon, because people who burglarize entire dormitories don't usually get to graduate on time. If at all.

Since the greased-up super-muscled Myers dancing to showtunes in front of an American flag is probably the closest thing the Penn has ever had to a superhero, we're not sure who can save this university from criminal implosion, now. It might be time for the Gutbomb to declare martial law.

December 5, 2007 11:37 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (12) | Read more: Penn

• 
• Brown: "She later recalled recently being reminded that she had been the best marksman in her class with the AK-47 - a fact that her husband said has changed his view of their relationship"
• Columbia: Specc's Way
• Harvard: Larry Summers on Chanukah: "I think this season of the year is special for every student, but especially for Jewish students."
• Princeton: "Weinstein received more than five times as many votes as his opponent, Sarah Langberg '09, garnering 2098 votes compared to Langberg's 419."
  
• Penn: Casinos: the logical solution to a crime problem!
• Yale: Toad's to cease, desist.

December 5, 2007 10:29 AM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (7) | Read more: RagTime

It looks like all those Ethics classes at Wharton haven’t exactly been rubbing off. In what will likely turn into an Ivy League Bonnie and Clyde courtroom drama/saga, Edward Anderton (Penn ’05) and Jocelyn Kirsch (Drexel ’06) stand accused of massive identity theft. After burglarizing their neighbors’ apartments, Anderton and Kirsch established credit cards in their neighbors’ names. They then spent a whole lot of money that wasn’t theirs and basically wreaked havoc until Friday, when they were arrested and charged with about a zillion crimes.

According to the Philadelphia Daily News, “Kirsch's walk-in closet was bursting with so many designer clothes, shoes and handbags that cops couldn't step inside.”

The couple weren’t exactly Robin Hoods, either. When one of their stolen checks bounced, well, they turned up the heat.

Someone at the salon tried to contact Kirsch by phone, then with a text message, to which Kirsch allegedly replied: "Hello. You don't know my name, but I know yours. I also know your nice place on . . . Street and how you get home at night. You're the one who should be worried.”

After searching their Rittenhouse Square apartment, police found $17,500 in cash, dozens of credit cards and fake drivers' licenses, and keys to unlock many of their neighbors’ apartments and mailboxes.”

After the jump: the cops speak out, and the detective work begins.

Continue reading "Even More Crime at Penn!!!" »

December 4, 2007 3:31 PM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (23) | Read more: Penn , crime

In case you've been living under a rock (say, Princeton NJ or Hanover NH) Penn's had some crime problems lately.

The latest installment in Penn's naughty-student soap opera is a worldwide computer hacking scheme, allegedly anchored in the Engineering School's server and orchestrated by bioengineer Ryan Goldstein '09. The FBI indicted Goldstein for computer fraud conspiracy based on a hack that organized 50,000 computers to attack other computers, or maybe to kill people and robots and tiny baby kitties, for all I know. It's all Matrix to me. Goldstein, who goes by "Digerati" when consorting with his cyber-criminal friends, reached out to the famed hacker AKILL. AKILL leads a "small but elite" ring of hackers known for perpetrating some 1.3 million security breaches worldwide and wreaking digital damages valued at tens of millions of dollars. In real life, AKILL is an eighteen-year-old boy in New Zealand. Not even kidding.

So how did some pimply teenager down under get mixed up with a Penn engineer, take down an Ivy League university's server, and attract the attention of an FBI sting called "Operation Bot Roast II"? (again, not even kidding) Read on.

Continue reading "Penn Student and "Botmaster" Friend Hack School Server, Take Over World with Robots, etc." »

December 4, 2007 12:57 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (12) | Read more: Penn , crime

• 
• Brown: "2.3 percent [of students] reported that they had used cocaine." What do you think is the real number?
  
• Columbia: Students buy more than drugs from Harlem.
  
• Dartmouth: Truly we are living in a vale of tears...and cheap ski-lift passes!
  
• Harvard: I'm going to go out on a limb here and declare this Professor of Yiddish's attempt to imagine herself in the shoes of a Palestinian pretty unconvincing.
  
• Penn: At this point I think people are just macing Penn students to keep the crime streak going.
  
• Princeton: "We are not Rider students." No, you're not.
• Yale: Writer's strike? Internet video phenomenon? Well, problem solved!
  

December 4, 2007 12:42 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (3) | Read more: RagTime

Yeah the jokes in the beginning sort of fall flat after five years, and the soundtrack is just too much, but the basic concept is gold. The concept, you ask? Get a keg of O'Douls non-alcoholic beer and throw an impromptu "keg party" in the 1903 courtyard. Sobriety ensues.

December 4, 2007 1:59 AM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (11) | Read more: Drinking , Princeton , YouTube

December 3, 2007 1:00 PM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (33) | Read more: Cornell , Sex

This is what happens when you force 18-year-old males to share bedrooms: They move certain portions of their nighttime routines to other places.

Call it Cornell's high-and-dry version to Yale's and Brown's respective shower sex and kitchen sex fiascos from last year. Cornell's letter uncut and in all its jiz-tastic glory, after the jump.

Continue reading "Housing to Cornell Men: Quit Jacking Off in the Shower" »

December 3, 2007 10:17 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (17) | Read more: Cornell

• 
• Brown: "Brown students have as much sex as nationwide peers." In your FACE, Harvard!
• Columbia: Rather perplexing protest slogan: "Muslims make chai not war"
• Dartmouth: Please tell us that's not a Toto reference
• Harvard: Freshman reads Anna Karenina, shocks world with news that original edition is better than abridged
• Penn: Crime levels reach "perfect storm." Only George Clooney with a Gloucester accent can save them, now.
• Princeton: Princeton Princeton! Princeton, Princeton? Princeton!
  

December 3, 2007 6:59 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (2) | Read more: RagTime

From Wikipedia:

Barzun was first in the 1927 class of Columbia College and was a prize-winning president of the Philolexian Society, a Columbia literary and debate club. He obtained his Ph.D. from Columbia in 1932, and taught history there from 1928 to 1955, becoming the Seth Low Professor of History and a founder of the discipline of cultural history. For years, he and literary critic Lionel Trilling ran Columbia's famous Great Books course. From 1955 to 1968, he served as Dean of the Graduate School, Dean of Faculties, and Provost, while also being an Extraordinary Fellow of Churchill College at the University of Cambridge. From 1968 until his 1975 retirement, he was University Professor at Columbia. From 1975 to 1993 he was Literary Adviser to Charles Scribner's Sons. The American Philosophical Society honors Barzun with its Jacques Barzun Prize in Cultural History, awarded annually since 1993 to the author of a recent distinguished work of cultural history. He has also received the Gold Medal for Criticism from the American Academy of Arts and Letters, of which he was twice president. In 2003, he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. On October 18, 2007, he received the 59th Great Teacher Award of the Society of Columbia Graduates in absentia.

Happy Birthday, Jacques. That is all.

December 1, 2007 2:22 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (19) | Read more: Columbia , jacques barzun