Welcome to the semifinals, dearest IvyGate readers! All of the groups have been introduced, and half of them have been destroyed forever. In the final two first round matches yesterday, the #7 Princeton Roaring 20 upset the #2 Brown Jabberwocks, 64% to 36%. It was a shocking rebuke to what we thought was an algebraically infallible seeding system -- we put a whole four minutes into picking the bracket Monday afternoon, you people! *Tears.* Anyway, in yesterday's other match and the closest to date, #3 Absolute A Cappella (Cornell) edged off #6 Living Water (Yale), 58% to 42%. It appears from the comments that Living Water presented a quandary for voters -- they were competent, but they also kept singing about the blood of Christ. And as we all know, Jesus gets no love on Halloween.

Semis, after the jump. 

Continue reading "Worst Ivy League A Cappella Tournament, Day Three: The Semifinals" »

October 31, 2007 7:35 PM by Jim Newell | Link | Comments (15) | Read more: a cappella , semifinals , tournaments , worst a cappella group in the ivy league

You'll have to excuse newbie RagTimer Juli for mistaking the Cornell Daily Sun's joke issue for reality. The unprecedented candor of this "joke" editorial totally threw us:

[W]e are committed to providing the Cornell community with the most biased and slanted news coverage we possibly can. We uphold our commitment to bringing you news stories that fail to localize national events, op-ed pieces that "opine" on issues too lofty for a collegiate audience (i.e. funny Halloween costumes and casual sex) and sports coverage that fails to straddle the delicate line between fact and fiction. If we could print on toilet paper, we probably would.

Actually, since "biased and slanted" presupposes original thought (not the Sun's strongest suit, nor that of any other publication run by college students, this one included), we'll give them a free pass there. Nonetheless, there was some thoroughly titillating stuff on the cornellsun.com domain today. We found it by following the "Click here for real articles" link.

Continue reading "Sun Joke Issue More Realistic Than Normal Ones" »

October 31, 2007 6:38 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (5) | Read more: Cornell , Cornell Daily Sun

(Note: we have literally nothing. Please send us something.)

I would consider this Dartmouth Halloween video a success in the sense that I am now frightened to go to Hanover.

October 31, 2007 3:45 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (11) | Read more: Dartmouth

• Brown: Rigorous challenging of political ideals occurs as Al Franken addresses Brown students at Blue State Coffee
  
• Cornell: "With over 400 students packed into the tiny bar, Dino's became an instant sleaze fest when 50 year old cameraman and registered sex offender Rick Stanley '79 called action on the set."
• Columbia: Is Goldman Sachs intern's best insult really "You think you're so good, don't you British boy"? 
• Dartmouth: Luckily for Programming Board, Dartmouth Cords' schedule is presumably wide open
• Harvard: "The Macintosh computer is the emasculated plaything of the effete, limp-wristed parlor liberals who have too much money and too little sense."
• Penn: Democratic presidential candidates participate in Philadelphia debate. Meanwhile, Mike Gravel watches from home.
• Yale: "Now that it is seasonably cold outside, where is your precious Al Gore now?"

 --Compiled by Juli Weiner

Don't forget to vote in the second bout of our Worst A Capella of the Ivy League smackdown, pitting Brown vs. Princeton and Cornell vs. Yale. Polls close at 5PM EST for Quarterfinal Round 2; QF Round 3 starts 6-ish.

October 31, 2007 9:59 AM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (9) | Read more: RagTime

Continue reading "Yale Dean For Drinking Before He Was Against It" »

October 30, 2007 10:20 PM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (10) | Read more:

Welcome to Day Two! Day One featured two landslides, with #1, Penn's Chord on Blues, trouncing #8, Harvard's Fallen Angels by like 70 percent. Dartmouth's Cords (#4) also steamrolled the competition and beat Columbia's Nonsequitur (#5) by like 70 percent too. Thanks for playing, Harvard and Columbia!

But let us celebrate not! We must trudge forth with today's matches, however aurally painful that becomes. One of today's contestants will introduce two thus-far overlooked a cappella tropes: white rapping and beatboxing. LOTS of both.

Continue reading "Worst Ivy League A Capella Tournament, Day Two: Enter Brown" »

October 30, 2007 4:25 PM by Jim Newell | Link | Comments (31) | Read more: a cappella , singing , worst a cappella group in the ivy league

So members of the Brown Republican Club stage a "Honk to Bomb Iran" protest. A local progressive filmmaker accosts them. Hilarity ensues as you might expect, but ultimately everyone in this video loses. From the young Republican character douched-out in argyle and oxford-cloth who shrilly protests, "Sir, sir, sir, I'm telling you if could not flash that in my face," to the low-rent Michael Moore character who has taken it upon himself to bravely document the affair ("My dad was in da big one. India-China-Burma. He really fought, not like you gois."

Some highlights:

Filmmaker: "You guys really go to school here, huh?"

...

Girl: "What kind of message are you going to like send to other people."

Brown Republican: [holding a "honk to bomb Iran" sign] "The message is pretty clear. It says honk to bomb Iran."

...

Girl: "Do you understand what democracy is?

Brown Republican: "No, can you explain it to me?"

..

Brown Republican: "I'm not a Republican, I'm a libertarian."

Filmmaker: "Oh that's a big difference."

.. 

Filmmaker: "Do you believe that freedom is free?"

Brown Republican: "I don't believe in quoting Toby Keith."

Filmmaker: "Who is Toby Keith?"

October 30, 2007 3:58 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (22) | Read more: Brown , republicans

Never one to beat around the sugarbush, The D continues its campaign of subliminal messaging via editorial error in today's web edition, where Claire Murray's column "A Conception of Contraception" contains the text of Zachary Gottlieb's "Rushing Girls," chronicling Mr. Woolfe's self-described "humiliating" love life.

This is extra-funny because Mr. Gottlieb is a bit notorious for less-than-PC humor when it comes to the womens. Today's column explains the parallels between getting chicks and rushing frats:

For a fraternity, men must charm brothers hoping to get a bid so that they can be physically and mentally abused for two months. Sound familiar, Jennifer? Kidding, kidding. But seriously, give me back my hair dryer.

Either The D made a boo-boo, or Ms. Murray has a wicked (arguably sick) sense of humor.

October 30, 2007 8:29 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (1) | Read more: Dartmouth , the dartmouth

• Cornell: White boy defends Watson on intelligence
  
• Penn: Philadelphia continues to be scary
• Brown: Quit putting my nation up your nose, Colombian ambassador tells Plan Colombia protesters who might also enjoy drugs
  
• Harvard: Scientists discover redheaded Neanderthal; analysis of prehistoric firecrotch forthcoming
• Columbia: Best way to waste your $160,000 education

Don't forget to vote in the first bout of our Worst A Capella of the Ivy League smackdown, pitting Penn vs. Harvard and Columbia vs. Dartmouth. Polls close at 5PM EST for Quarterfinal Round 1; QF Round 2 starts 6-ish.

October 30, 2007 4:40 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (1) | Read more: RagTime

It's on! After the jump, the first two matches of IvyGate's Worst A Cappella Group in the Ivy League Tournament 2k7!

Watch. Vomit. Vote. They all look and sound funny!  

Continue reading "Let The A Cappella Tournament Begin!" »

October 29, 2007 4:45 PM by Jim Newell | Link | Comments (36) | Read more: quarterfinals , worst a cappella group in the ivy league

The D is like the little Ivy Daily that could. First, there was their peerless police blotter, then the whole cunnilingus affair, and now comes this thrilling narrative of crime and redemption sans redemption.

Technically, we already linked to Alex Howe's (D '08) article in Ragtime last week, but it was so good we decided it deserved a post of its own. Here's a representative excerpt from what I am calling a tour de force of drunken travelogue:

"On my way out, I saw two things I liked and took them with me: two bottles of $9.95 red wine and the Sunday New York Times. After I found the back door and fumblingly unlocked it, I stumbled into the New Hampshire night with wine in each hand and the Times in my armpit, bleeding onto my nicest clothes."

After the jump -- the article in full.

Continue reading ""Everyone else was too drunk to know that I was too drunk to know where I was."" »

October 29, 2007 2:27 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (6) | Read more: Dartmouth , alex got in trouble , crime , the dartmouth

• 
• Brown: The only campus in the universe that's "abuzz" rather than "silent" on Parents' Weekend.
• Columbia: When will David Horowitz finally go away?
  
• Dartmouth: “Now is the time for every person of conscience to call what oppression and injustice are —- oppression and injustice,” Spencer said. “That’s why we need Islamo-fascism Awareness Week.”
• Cornell: Boring article makes Colbert apperance seem boring, unfunny.
  
• Penn: "Members of OZ, an underground fraternity, 'caused chaos at the [ZBT] party' by forming a human pyramid while a smoke alarm was going off."
• Harvard: Nerd dance-party brawl!
  
• Yale: “By offering delicious dishes, such as black bean burgers, curried sweet potatoes and Indonesian noodles, students can enjoy all of the delicious food they love, without having to support companies that torture and slaughter animals for food."

October 29, 2007 10:47 AM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (7) | Read more:

The "reply all" contagion that has long plagued the lovesick and food-poisoned students at Princeton spreads now to Dartmouth, where midterms come with a lesson on the danger of online rants:

Subject: Kiss my Fanny
Date: Sun, 28 Oct 2007 12:28:14 -0400 (EDT)
From: [redacted] @Dartmouth.EDU
To: "ENGL.041.01-FA07"

WHAT the HELL were we supposed to get out of Fanny Fern??? Just the sentamentalist ideology?  She's really like the weakest link out of the bunch and not just becuase that reading seemed out of place but also because it's one that I know the LEAST about.  God bless him for trying to throw a woman in the mix but curse him for throwing that curve ball. Taking the 19th century woman from the kitchen to the classroom is FUCKING me all up.  So again, WHAT the HELL were we supposed to get out of Fanny Fern???  Thank you for your consideration and goodluck with the studies.

More amazing than the fact that the writer expected peer "consideration" of a triple-question-marked, profanity-laced query is the fact that he apparently forgot that the professor's e-mail address tends to be included in online class lists. Professor Michael Chaney's "reflective" and metaphor-heavy response (Michael Jackon's "We are the World" comes to mind), after the jump.

Continue reading "Kiss Dartmouth's Fern-Hating Fanny" »

October 29, 2007 9:54 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (7) | Read more: Dartmouth , email

You know it'll be a good e-mail when it starts like this:

YALE DAILY NEWS: PLEASE RESPOND ASAP - DEADLINE TONIGHT

It's like the reporter thinks it's our fault he's on a short schedule, his hastily-pressed caps lock key indicating the vital urgency of the following questions about Yale's attempt to sabotage Harvard's H-bomb-vs.-Y-bomb football smackdown t-shirts:

3.) Would you qualify this as a prank, and how so?
4.) I'm just curious what you mean by the obnoxious sixth grader comment.
5.) Do you expect this issue to intensify to anything else? A prank war perhaps?
6.) How effective was this Yale stunt at achieving what it is doing? And what do
you think it is trying to achieve?

Continue reading "Yale Coverage of Yale Emails about Harvard Shirts -- World Turns Upside-Down, Inside-Out!" »

October 26, 2007 2:41 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (24) | Read more: Yale , Yale Daily News , football

Yesterday, Harvard’s Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily" Chen (our Favorite Person Ever) debated the merits of pre-marital sex with Janie Fredell, the co-president of True Love Revolution (which, believe it or not, is not a 60’s band you’ve never heard of, but a campus abstinence group). We sent correspondent Alterrell Mills to get the scoop.

The highly-anticipated “debate” between Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily" Chen and the co-President of the True Love Revolution, Janie Fredell, was truly not worth the wait. Before the event, I met with an overeager Janie who emphasized that it was “a discussion, not a debate about sex and dating.” And here I was, thinking we had a regular Lincoln and Douglass on our hands! Discussion, indeed.

Janie arrived early, while Lena came right on time. Both ladies held true to form in terms of appearance; Lena wore a mini-skirt that left little to the imagination, while Janie was more modestly dressed in jeans.

The ladies started off by defining their sexuality. Janie stated that she was abstinent, and that the kind of guy she was interested in was “chivalrous, strong yet gentle” and ultimately worth the wait. Janie wants a man who respects her ambitions, and values more than just sex in their relationship. She also added that she could get sexual gratification from “a battery-operated plastic object.” Lena replied, “I derive great joy from battery-operated objects.”

Ewww.

After the jump: let’s talk about sex, baby.

Continue reading "Harvard Pro-Sex and Anti-Sex Crusaders Make Us Want to Ignore Them, Have Sex" »

October 26, 2007 11:18 AM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (121) | Read more: Harvard , Sex , lena chen

• 
• Dartmouth: Student robs store while blacked out drunk, lives to tell tale!
• Cornell: Jewish kid enjoys Catholic song, totally going to Jewish Hell for it
• Cornell: "I used to be fluent in Tolkien's Quenya"
• Brown: Islamo-fascism speaker fist-pumps
• Harvard: Watson retires after racist interview boo-boo
• Yale: Twin female athletes fuel dirty thoughts in Eli men
  

October 26, 2007 8:01 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (1) | Read more: RagTime

Since our declaration of war on Sex and the Ivy a cappella Tuesday, we've received enough delicious YouTube submissions to feed a third-world country. But we want to feed AMERICA, so send more! These videos are obnoxiously easy to find; just search anything in Google Video, like "hey" or "bum bum" or something, and at least the first 37 videos will be of Ivy League a cappella troupes being stupid.

Missed the original post? Too lazy to click the link? Understandable. Quick catch-up: IvyGate is holding an 8-team "Worst A Capella Group in the Ivy League" tournament all next week. Competitors will be chosen based on one embarrassing/poorly edited YouTube submission of a performance, and we're not ashamed to use these single clips as qualifiers for a group's universal shittiness. So please send all YouTube video links to ivygate@gmail.com by TOMORROW EVENING.

Here's a sample from one of the submissions we received. Showing it now has no bearing on whether it will make the tournament or not, it's just... well hopefully you'll understand why we're holding the tournament after watching. This one gets REALLY good around 1:12:

Wait till you see another group's "Ducktales" video!

October 25, 2007 6:45 PM by Jim Newell | Link | Comments (16) | Read more: a cappella , hurting feelings , tournaments , worst a cappella group in the ivy league

All is not calm under the Princeton Snowglobe. It seems the unruly skateboard punks in Palmer Square, pissed at the world because their dad works at a hedge fund, have some competition in the petty nuisance department.

The Prince is reporting on the arrest of three gang members believed to be responsible for the recent epidemic of -- gasp! -- laptop thefts. And by epidemic I mean exactly six laptops have been stolen from unlocked rooms over a period of a month. Three of which were pranks. Down these mean streets.

According to the Prince, the three are believed to belong to the gang Mara Salvatrucha. Here's some background info on that gang, courtesy of the Prince:

Newsweek called MS-13 the "most dangerous gang in America," and the FBI described the gang as an "extremely violent, fast-spreading street gang that has tentacles in more than 40 U.S. states and 10 different nations across two continents."

I'm going to jump to the conclusion that Princeton is home to the lamest MS-13 tentacle across 40 U.S. states, 10 different nations, and two continents. Way to break into the unlocked dorm room racket, guys. There's a candy store on Nassau Street, are you going to rob that too?

After the jump -- the full article.

Continue reading "Princeton Degenerates Into Gangland Nightmare" »

October 25, 2007 9:37 AM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (5) | Read more: Princeton , crime , princeton snowglobe

A 750-word memo hit Pennypacker's listserv today, announcing that the scabies infestation that forced the Harvard dorm's entire student population to bathe in medicated creams, call-of-shame all sex partners, and fumigate all clothing and sheets is most definitely gone... because it probably wasn't scabies, at all! The University Health Services-authored email explains,

It's difficult to say definitively whether the original three students ultimately had scabies or not. Our best diagnosis at the time was that they did, and, given this diagnosis, it would have been risky not to treat the entire dormitory. Four days later, Dr. Michael Alpert, an entomologist from the Harvard School of Public Health came to Pennypacker and talked to three symptomatic individuals and concluded that scabies was unlikely, given the rapid clearing. He speculated that the causative bug could have been mosquitoes.

It took four days for UHS to realize this, and twelve to make the information publicly available? Because it only took us two. And they say we don't care about the Crimsons!

Harvard officials' rambling explanation after the jump. 

Continue reading "Psyche! Harvard "Scabies" Probably Just Mosquitoes" »

October 24, 2007 3:51 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (4) | Read more: Dorm life , Harvard

We’ve recently been accused of harboring certain anti-Harvard tendencies. But if there’s anything worse than Harvard students designing some truly terrible t-shirts for the Yale game – and yes, there are many things that are worse, i.e. Islamofascism Awareness Week – it’s Yalies trying to subvert Harvard students’ democratic right to choose the worst t-shirt they can imagine.

Yalies have been emailing each other like whoah trying to hijack the Harvard t-shirt vote with all the smugness and subtlety of an obnoxious sixth grader. It seems not to have occurred to anyone that at some point the Harvard webmaster might catch on.

From email #1: so harvard decided to have online voting for their game shirts. and we decided to choose their shirt for them.”

From email #2: The word on the street is that Yale is backing choice no. 3 cause it too lame for words. Vote # 3 and sabotage Harvard."

From email #3: They made their t-shirt contest public. Naturally, we should all vote for the lamest shirt. I'm thinking either shirt 2 (to get them wearing out color, and becuase it doesn't make sense) or shirt 3, which is just idiotic. Either way, lets vote in a large block (There are about 1100 of you i'm emailing)…

Ummm, intense.

After the jump: the emails in full.

Continue reading "Yale Emails Lamer Than Harvard T-Shirts" »

October 24, 2007 10:30 AM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (27) | Read more: Harvard , Yale

• 
• Brown: "I wasn't expecting standing room only," says organizer of poorly-timed, ill-advertised and completely empty Department of Public Safety open forum
• Columbia: Performance in "Legends of the Hidden Temple" posited for admissions criteria; "Global Guts" for international students
• Cornell: Unfortunately for Sun's snack columnist and self-professed creator of "Crack Snacks tm", writing "tm" does not give you legal ownership of dried fruits and nuts.
• Cornell: "I pretended to be appalled by this hilarious attempt at online-prostitution. And to some extent, I was appalled. But I was even more impressed."
• Dartmouth: "It was after Replogle began raising a family, though, that he moved from alcoholic beverages to skin care"
• Harvard: Opinions regarding Nobel Prize-winning homophobic racist somewhat contentious
• Princeton: Students with chocolate happier than students without chocolate, necessary study concludes.
• Yale: Despite aggressive pamphlet distribution at Heath Care Access Week, medicinally-inclined Yalies yet to be granted "health studies" major. Health Care Access: Denied!

--Compiled by Juli Weiner

Think you can do a better job at this? Email us.

October 24, 2007 10:06 AM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (4) | Read more: RagTime

Apparently Penn had some kind of big football game against Yale last weekend, (something about coming home?) but my understanding of sports is so rudimentary that I am unable to decipher how it went. But I do know that the University of Pennsylvania Marching Band totally schooled the Harvard University Marching Band when it comes to Guinness World Record baton-measuring contests. Video, pictures, and baton creation story after the jump.

Continue reading "Penn Home to Longest Band-Related Phallus in World" »

October 24, 2007 2:56 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (23) | Read more: Band , Harvard , Penn

You know you've truly arrived in this world when people start accusing you of being The Man. And according to the Harvard Independent's blog, Maureen, Hal and I -- three of the most disorganized fuck-ups to have matriculated at Princeton in some time -- are just that!  As it turns out, we're actually right-wing, semi-closeted/semi-bigoted Yalies with a malicious anti-Harvard agenda. We even got a punny public-enemy-moniker a la Man Coulter or Lindsay Blowhan. Well, sort of:

I've never been a big fan of IvyGate (from hereon referred to as "IvyHate"), ... they strike me as a gang of self-serving (what the Crimson would call "masturbatory") Yalies out to drown their own social inhibitions in bitter stabs at their rival college.

IvyHate [is] promoting the subsequent downfall of our institution's [Harvard's] reputation... Nice try, IvyGate. We know what you're up to.

Sir: Whatever our myriad crimes against Harvard may be, we are certainly not worth 750 words of your time. That's like twelve porn downloads worth!

The entire hilarious blog post -- including the words "heteronormative" and "Rivers Cuomo" -- after the jump.

Continue reading "Welcome to IvyHate" »

October 24, 2007 12:08 AM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (19) | Read more: Harvard Independent

Hal, Jacob and Maureen are making me post something to keep my cushy "Contributing Editor" title, so (a) fuck them and (b) let's have a tournament requiring MANY posts!

[RANT ALERT: Skip the next paragraph to get to tournament details, if you so please].

We have voiced our (my) dislike for a cappella groups on this site before, but allow us to explain further. If you go to an Ivy League university, you're more than aware of these mostly talentless schmucks, because you probably have lived with at last one -- I know I did. Each school has like 75 billion of them, and they all have wretchedly unpunny names like "The Penny Loafers" (Penn) or, of course, "The Bear Necessities" (Brown). About once a semester, your friends in a cappella groups force you to see their pathetic little concerts during time that you could spend better by doing, I don't know, anything else. Some bizarre video -- usually made on iMovie by a chimpanzee -- always introduces each troupe. Then comes the opening song, which almost always is by Journey, Bon Jovi or Queen (for lady groups, Sarah McLachlan or Alanis Morisette). The "best" groups have two people that can sing, the other members just go "BUM BUM BUM BUM" in the background. 'Cause, you know, "BUM BUM BUM BUM" is definitely an improvement on an original song's use of instruments. Then they have an after party where they continue to sing, to sing, to sing...

Only mockery in tournament form can properly destroy them. So by this Friday, submit nominations (YouTube videos) to ivygate@gmail.com. We will wade through the submitted videos over the weekend and select (probably) the eight worst, so there will (probably) be one for each school. Then all of next week we will hold head-to-head matches to determine the winner based on your votes. SUBMIT NOMINATIONS NOW YOU LOVELY PEOPLE!

Let's make them stop singing -- together. 

October 23, 2007 6:27 PM by Jim Newell | Link | Comments (12) | Read more: a cappella , tournaments , worst a cappella group in the ivy league

Since Thursday, custodians found five incidents of vomit outside of toilets, as well as a broken urinal and a damaged bathroom mirror, in the Paresky Center. The weekend before, custodians found excrement smeared across the interior of a stall in the second men’s bathroom in the Log. This incident brings the number of excrement-related bio-cleanups to six for the semester”

October 23, 2007 11:00 AM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (33) | Read more:

• Brown: Religion and Brown? That's interesting, I always thought those two were mutually exclusive.
• Columbia: "Eat one piece of cake, if you eat a whole thing, of course you are going to feel like shit."
• Dartmouth: Dumbledore is gay; professor thrilled his queer ideas have merit.
• Harvard: Dear lord, it's only a t-shirt. On that train of thought Harvardians ought to wear "Yale Rules" shirts to "The Game" so as not to offend Elis.
• Penn: Gutmann blatantly ignores Newell in her op/ed... on the plus side, at least it reads better than her speeches!
• Princeton: "When people meet me... it's easier for them to remember my name," says Princeton Kwong, '11

October 23, 2007 9:37 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (4) | Read more: RagTime

After posting Harvard '09 Peter Shields' -- excuse me, Petros' -- boy band jam "Body Glow," we received tips on Yale Television's latest self-promotional clip, a jazzy little ditty entitled "Watch YTV" where we learn that Asian males continue to be the easiest punchline in entertainment, and someone named Andy Wexler has a micropenis. Also, fat kids like eating brownies and have surprisingly angelic falsetto voices.

UPDATE: It has come to our attention that the above video might not be an actual YTV production, in which case the above singing tele-ddicts are straight-up nutjobs, and YTV should probably hire them, stat. Our attempt to visit YTV's website revealed a massive relaunch project. Maybe this is all a guerrilla marketing scheme to create buzz while we anxiously await the YTV relaunch -- and IvyGate has fallen right into YTV's greedy, ratings-grubbing, anonymous-YouTube-launching hands!! I feel so used. But at least I have a catchy tune to hum.

October 22, 2007 11:28 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (40) | Read more: YTV , Yale , YouTube

Having recently left his cushy post with us for the greener swamplands of DC, Jim Newell is already rolling in the perks. Today he wrote an op/ed for the Daily Pennsylvanian on that whole Stetson affair thing.

Seizing on the telling detail ("Lasers! Amy Gutmann in strapless red!") and making use of everyday analogies ("It's like a babysitter refusing to feed an infant its Gerber, and then at the end of the day asking that infant for $3.5 billion."), Newell makes a compelling case that Lee Stetson should not be forced to give money to Penn even though he had sex with a 19-year old, or something like that.

After the jump -- words, sweet words.

Continue reading "Why Jim Newell Won't Donate To Penn" »

October 22, 2007 4:39 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (12) | Read more: Jim Newell , Penn , daily pennsylvanian , lee stetson

We bring you the “Body Glow” video from international music sensation “Petros,” a.k.a. Peter Shields, Harvard ’09.  Well, he’s not really an international sensation, though we’ve gotten several emails telling us this video is all the rage in Cambridge these days.

The song is quite un-good and the video has this fake-Catholic guilt thing going on (come on, Petros, America is so over that) as Petros and his cohort rub glittery sweat all over each other and the girl has some kind of bloodied seizure and then goes to a church and then – hey! – there’s Petros like half taking off his shirt at the beach and all this interspliced with gratuitous Catholic imagery and medium-okay looking Harvard girls trying as hard as they can to dance and – wait! – at minute 1:30 the girl touches the back of her head only to find Petros’ jizzum!

With the production values of a third-string mid-90’s R&B music video as choreographed by a third-string college dance company, the whole thing is pretty strange. The problem with shooting a music video at Harvard is that you have to use Harvard girls, who even at their prettiest aren’t exactly booty-shaking material.

“Petros” is obviously self-obsessed (his Facebook profile includes many, many links to his successes; according to himself, his main job right now is “marketing this hot chick named Brandi Carlile” but he seems more into marketing and linking to himself than to Ms. Carlile) but I still sort of wish him luck. You’ve got to hand it to “Petros”: “Body Glow” took effort, ambition, and a total lack of shame.  And it’s only bad in the way that most cultural output is bad. It’s not specifically Harvard bad. Carry on, Peter. Carry on.

October 22, 2007 3:17 PM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (31) | Read more: Harvard , YouTube , petros

• 
• Brown: Weird. The new GOP governor of Lousiana went to Brown. At least he believes in intelligent design!
  
• Columbia: Islamofascism was so last week, Horowitz.
  
• Cornell: What an idiot I am! I thought they were talking about Native Americans!
  
• Dartmouth: The D speaks truth to power - "Dartmouth needs more sororities... the alcohol component is crucial."
• Harvard: "Scabies has lent Harvard students a small bit of sexual legitimacy."
• Princeton: The editorial board definitely pulled this one out of someone's ass.
• Yale: Sad times for oral contraception.
  

Think you can do a better job at this? Email us.

October 22, 2007 10:38 AM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (3) | Read more: RagTime

Enough talk, enough lists, enough comparison of real-world accomplishments. It's time to settle once and for all whether Cornell or Brown is the greatest school in America. There's only one logical way such a thing could be done: a massive internet strategy war-game thing.

What are the rules, you ask? Well, we have no clue and refuse to spend even a minute learning them. Apparently it's like Risk or something. Here's some random text from their website I copied and pasted without reading.

GXC is a locally social online game.
Every residential college, dorm, or group makes up a team, and anyone in one of those groups can be a player.

You control a piece, your suitemate controls a piece, that girl down the hall controls a piece.
Your pieces, or armies, can take over territory: your quad, your bench, your dining hall - but you, as a team, have to agree on a plan and gather enough forces for a successful attack. If you can't organize yourselves, how will you ever conquer...your entire campus?

Register for battle right now. Hie thee thither.

Some predictions: Yale does really well in the beginning, but Harvard wins in the end. Princeton, Brown, and Dartmouth get crushed early on. Cornell does better than anyone would have thought.

October 22, 2007 3:23 AM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (25) | Read more: gocrosscampus

It wasn't supposed to be like this. In preparation for the "The Game" vs. Yale on 11/17, Harvard students were to design a bunch of killer t-shirts and then choose the best one. Orderly hordes of students in rad threads watching Crimson pull out a win. Yeah!

Too bad these shirts are some of the most awful things we've ever seen. They're funny, but funny in a bad way. Part of it is their amateurish production, and part of it is their reliance on tried-and-true sources of humor like multiple-choice questions, dipole moments, and transfer applications.

After the jump -- the worst of the submissions.

UPDATED: Apparently voting is open to the public. Go vote for what you think Harvard students should be wearing.

Continue reading "Harvard Sadder Than Ever" »

October 20, 2007 5:15 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (38) | Read more: Harvard , Yale

• 
• Columbia: "When Marcel Duchamp exhibited his urinal as artwork, he may have been asking a question about the role of shit, as well as the meaning of art."
• Cornell: Nothing happened in Ithaca today.
  
• Dartmouth: Best/worst lede ever: "Circled by a self-flagellating cult of persistently counterclockwise freshman, the Goddess Bonfeu revels in the warm fetal glory of her worship. Ecce Homecoming."
• Harvard: Oh no he didn't...
  
• Princeton: Read M. Friedman's incredible letter-to-the-editor.
• Yale: Nerds rejoice at library opening.
  

October 19, 2007 3:13 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (7) | Read more: RagTime

Either Princeton kids are really prude, or the Daily Princetonian "Ask a Sexpert" column is a little out of touch.  This week, Sexpert—penned by the safe-sex stalwarts over at the University Health Center’s peer education program—moves beyond the standard condoms-and-consent partyline and enters the parallel universe where horny co-eds stash "finger cots" and "surgical gloves" in their bedside tables:

When engaging in anal-oral stimulation or oral sex with a woman, a dental dam is a great tool to protect against STIs. ... You can also cut a square out of a latex glove or use a piece of non-microwaveable Saran Wrap. The microwaveable kind has pores that allow STIs to be transmitted.

If you're engaging in manual stimulation with a partner and you have a cut on your finger or just want some extra protection, finger cots are like little condoms for your fingers. These can also be made from surgical gloves.

It would be easy to slam the Sexpert for its latex-coated irrelevance (does UHS provide surgical gloves, or do I just ask my doctor for an extra pair?). Instead, let us trace Sexpert's topos shift from bedroom to kitchen, a creative reimagining of sexual spaces, and a sadly unused pun on the word "eat." Which reminds us of this Sexpert gem, from last spring:

As with any sex toy, glass and silicone [anal] beads are best because they can be cleaned easily by boiling them or popping them in the dishwasher. 

Forget the free condoms at UHS and the LGBT center. Sexually-active Princetonians ask, Where are the sextoy-friendly dishwashers on campus? And the shared kitchen cooperative enough to let its users keep their anal beads in the silverware drawer?

Answer: Dartmouth.

October 19, 2007 11:41 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (3) | Read more: Princeton , daily princetonian

Does anyone remember Alexander Atkind, the Cornell student (’06) who last March kicked the shit out of his roommate’s dog and then poured bleach on the poor thing? Well, he’s finally doing time. On Tuesday, Atkind pleaded guilty to animal cruelty and was sentenced  to 6 months in the Big House.

I know what you’re thinking: beating the crap out of a dog named Princess is mad fucked up, but to throw an Ivy League student in jail?  Couldn’t they just give him like a zillion years of probation and have his parents pay a fine like they usually do?  You’re almost thinking, poor kid.

And then you’re like, no.

After the jump: why they should throw away the key.

Continue reading "From the Big Red to the Big House: One Dog-Torturer's Journey" »

October 18, 2007 5:54 PM by Jacob Savage | Link | Comments (20) | Read more: Cornell , crime

Last week saw the sad demise of Victoria Marshman, Yale '09, from America's Next Top Model. Eliminated for her "prickly" disposition while posing as a cactus, Tory left the show and returned to life as a History major. In an exclusive phone interview, everyone's favorite failed model gave IvyGate juicy details from her life as television star.

After the jump, Yale's Hottest Skinny Chick dishes on castmates, crazed fans, the quality of Tyra Banks' boobs... and re-tells a scene Lady Banks didn't want viewers to see (hint: it involves Tyra siccing her bodyguards on a tiny, defenseless Tory)

Continue reading "Tory Tells All in Exclusive Interview!
I'm not sexy, and Tyra feared me." »

October 18, 2007 2:30 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (83) | Read more: Yale , america's next top model , reality tv

• 
• Brown: Exactly like Toucan Sam. But a professor of psychiatry. Ok, so not at all like Toucan Sam.
  
• Columbia: The Spec outdoes itself.
• Cornell:“This album is a crowning moment in my musical career,” says white rapper at Cornell.
• Dartmouth: "In order to stay afloat and enjoy the Greek social scene, the Dartmouth woman has to know how to party like a Dartmouth man."
• Penn: My theory why Stetson resigned: he did it just to piss off the Daily Penn.
  
• Princeton: All freshmen repeat this three times: "If you don't want to get the person who gave you alcohol in trouble, don't tell who it was."
• Princeton: Like the tenth consecutive "Sexpert" on dental dams.
• Yale: '[J.D.] McClatchy said [Jonathan Safran] Foer will be much more than a mere “hole-filler.”'
• Yale: "Amidst hisses and applause, political activist Richard Stallman — standing barefoot behind a podium, sporting a wild beard and playing with his long, shaggy hair — discussed what he terms the “conspiracy” of companies against the consumer Wednesday night."

October 18, 2007 11:34 AM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (3) | Read more: RagTime

Yesterday our inbox was at capacity with rumors that Harvard's Kirkland House had caught the creepy-crawlies from scabies-infested Pennypacker. Unable to confirm the icky allegation, we resisted rumor-mongering. But then the rumor took a turn so good, it was worth publishing unconfirmed!

After the alleged incident of scabies in Kirkland, University Health Services (UHS) realized it had made a misdiagnosis. So there was neither scabies in Kirkland nor in Pennypacker. This will appear in the Crimson this morning I believe. So the whole commotion with creams, cleaning crews, local news stations and much much more was for nothing.

For the first time in our lives, we're watching the Gimpy Crimp with excited anticipation. 

October 18, 2007 5:28 AM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (5) | Read more: Dorm life , Harvard

Remember the Princeton kid who asked his professor out on a date via an e-mail to the entire ECO100 list? Apparently no lessons on the danger of "reply all" were learned, because this week everyone in Princeton's CHE341 received the following e-mail:

Hello. I am e-mailing regarding the fact that I am unable to turn in the homework on time today, due to the fact that I had been plagued with illness since Sunday. I do not know exactly the cause, but the symptoms were extreme diarrhea and headache. If I attach a note from McCosh, will it be possible for me to turn in the homework by class this Friday? I am so sorry for this problem.

Yours,

[redacted]

Apparently the ability to take upper-level Chemical Engineering courses on fluid dynamics is in no way related to the ability to send discreet e-mails.

October 17, 2007 4:12 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (22) | Read more: Princeton

• 
• Princetonian:  Endowment so large, school resorts to $20K Gatsby-themed party to throw away cash.
• Yale: Korean wannabe forges Yale degree. Strongest form of flattery or delusional crime?
• Penn: Professors on Facebook: Exciting new possibilities for sexual harassment!
• Brown: Researcher uses jocks as lab rats, induces concussion, makes cool hats
  

October 17, 2007 1:42 PM by Maureen O'Connor | Link | Comments (3) | Read more: RagTime

• 
• Brown: "Behind this door there's a secret, crazy world I don't know about."
• Columbia: Islamo-Fascism Week is my favorite pointless theme-week after HPV-Awareness Week.
• Dartmouth: Tom Tancredo comes to Dartmouth, wraps self in giant flag-quilt.
• Harvard: Phyllis Schlafly comes to Harvard, alights from massive eagle.
  
• Princeton: Nobel Prize, nyah, nyah, nyah.
  
• Yale: "Yale to Vail" as great as it sounds?
  

October 16, 2007 2:08 PM by Hal Parker | Link | Comments (10) | Read more: RagTime

Sometimes famous people show up on our campuses. And that, friends, is why cellphone cameras exist.

Sighted at Brown University, 3:30PM yesterday: Jack Nicholson and celebuspawn daughter Lorraine, child actress, Miss Golden Globe 2007, major jailbait. A tipster who calls himself Andzdab (wtf, right? but he has good tips, so bear with us) reports,

I snapped these photographs of what appeared to be Jack Nicholson touring Brown U. with his daughter. I ran into them in the Keeney Quad and took this picture in Wriston Quad as they toured Wayland House. I saw a small crowd of neatly dressed individuals (him, daughter, tour guide, and maybe one or two others) and wondered who's the special admissions-guaranteed prefrosh who was getting the personal tour.

Days before the the Brown sighting, LA-based Lorraine and Jack were in NYC (and wearing the same outfits they wore in Providence). Could this be a pan-East-Coast college tour? If so, then the Nicholsons appear to be headed north, which means Boston colleges should be on red alert for the budding celebutante and her screenstar dad. Andzdab -- sadly unaware of Lorraine's rapidly accelerating fame and/or hotness -- failed to get little Miss Nicholson's headshot, but did manage a close-up of Jack, after the jump.