Sighted: Beauty & the Geek star Joshua Green at Princeton University’s D-Bar (”Debasement Bar,” in de basement of de graduate college here, remember? B&G brought their camera crew there to recruit last year). The 5′5″ Joshua wore yellow shirt unbuttoned at the neck, damp black chest hair mussed across his pallid chest. His dance-move of choice is a lateral jumping movement paired with upraised arms and pumping fists.

I cornered Joshua and demanded an impromptu photo shoot (more pictures after jump). Sadly, the CW keeps its reality slaves on a strict gag order; I failed to get any details juicier than those his stock-quote-chocked Daily Princetonian profile. Penn ‘06 Will Frank got some press, too, in the Daily Pennsylvanian. Where is he these days, anyway? Anybody have sightings?

But enough rumormill foreplay. Let’s get down and dirty with this week’s episode, after the jump.

Episode 2 opens with the bios of Sam and Nicole, male-beauty and female-geek, this season’s “surprise”  duo that has the female-beauties and male-geeks quaking in their stiletto heels and straight-laces, respectively. Nicole is a musicologist who favors thick-rimmed eyeglasses and mid-calf skirts. Sam is spray-tanned “club promoter,” aka date rapist: “I do girls a favor by hooking up with them.  It boosts their confidence.” His teeth glow white. He is as charming as a toxic oil slick.

Pool party! Sam flexes his abs and talks about how amazing he is. LARPer (Live-Action Role-Player) Dave looks on, towel clutched modestly to his ample pink chest.  Sam says he wants to party with hot chicks and drink lots of beer.  The girls are unimpressed; “meathead,” sneers one of buxom blondes, whom I have not yet learned to tell apart.

The next morning, Amanda helps Tony, Hiro Nakamura’s bowtie-wearing alter-ego, get dressed.  She borrows a vest and bowtie and makes herself into a tapdancing, hotpants-clad Tony-bunny.  “I want to show him he can be hot in his own clothes,” she says.  Underneath her name is the title “Aspiring Playboy Model,” which suggests  (a) she only cares for Tony’s clothed hotness insofar as it will facilitate her non-clothed hotness, fame and fortune thereof  (b) we can expect a totally un-sanctioned amateur sex video to pop up any day now.

Host Mike Richards introduces the next challenge: Learning a new language.  “Thank god I’m fluent in Klingon!” the geeks sigh to themselves.  But no, the “languages” in question are only metaphoric; beauties will learn politics and geeks will learn to rap.  RAP?! I scream at my television, likely disturbing the peace in the free-loving appliance-hordeing co-op down the hall. Nicole is a musicologist! She has ten years of vocal training! The music challenge is a SET-UP! I fling my remote control across the room, in disgust.

Back in B&G world, the contestants are freaking out. “I! Don’t! Know! Anything! About! Anything!” sings multiethnic cheerleader Jasmine through a set of whitened teeth. “Worst. Challenge. Ever.” says partner LARPer Dave. Has Jasmine’s over-punctuated speaking style infected his inflection?

Our boy Will pedals on a stationary bicycle alongside partner Rebecca, facilitating a gratuitous shot of Rebecca’s dangling cleavage, jiggling in time to the duo’s cardio. Will wears headphones and sings to himself, but I can’t make out any words.

Meanwhile, LARPer Dave has come across a fool-proof strategy for his rap. “I’ll do it as a LARP (Live-Action Role-Play). I will become this new character-I will become the rapper!” Cut to him standing outdoors, a primal growl issuing from his Live-Action lips: “YABADABADOOOO!” Oh. My. God.

Tony is too shy to rehearse in front of Amanda. Amanda worries, and returns to memorizing difficult facts like the number of stripes in the American flag and why the heck we call them “united” if Hawaii isn’t even attached.

Our stars arrive at a hip-hop club for their rap battle. Three 6 Mafia will be the judges, which must be a disappointment for them, given that their Academy Award was only one year ago, and they’re already on the D-list reality-tv guest-judging circuit. Nicole is afraid not because she is a dweeby chubby girl who is about to rap in front of a nation of schadenfreude-craving masses, but because she is “sheltered.” This is code for “afraid of black people.” She performs first.

“Smell my money!” Nicole shouts, tossing fake bills across the stage. Sam gyrates beside her and gazes loving at his waxed chest. Three 6 Mafia shout commands, but “sheltered” Nicole doesn’t understand their black-people grill-speak. “They wanna see your booty!” the audience screams. Nicole relents and everyone cheers. It’s actually kind of cute.

Next up: Joshua! My favorite pale, curled fetus is back with a vengeance. He wears sunglasses and a bandana. Partner Shalandra forcibly yanks at his pants to make them sag. “She’s got a booty / A caramel-colored cutie!” Three 6 Mafia wrinkle their noses and sniff indignantly.

Our boy Will is cool and collected; his high-speed lyrics gets laughs and Three 6 Mafia even smile. “Here I am on Beauty & the Geek / With a girl so fine it makes me freak.” Will doesn’t forget any words. Will is the front-runner!

Backstage, Tony is hyperventilating. He ascends the stage and breaks into sing-song: “My name is Tony! I like to smile! I don’t know what to say next!”

John-whose tagline is “5.0 at MIT,” which doesn’t even make sense-uses lots of dirty words, grabbing at his crotch and shaking it with surprising gusto. He whips his balls out and juggles. No, seriously-he has a background in circus performance and is literally tossing five balls around his head. The crowd goes wild. But are circus tricks enough to beat Will’s phat rhymes?

Three 6 Mafia names John and Will the top two. Will wins! He shakes hands with John and we catch a glimpse of Will’s bald spot.

Now for the beauties’ challenge! Sam and the girls stand on a stage between two podiums. Michael Richards announces that the beauties will “debate… [dramatic pause] …EACH OTHER!” Um, duh. Someone call Ashton Kutcher and tell his reality show sucks. Stop fucking Demi and start producing better scripts.

“I like debates,” says Hooters spokesgirl Natalie. “I’m really good at argumenting.”

As is totally obvious from the get-go, the beauties’ poli-debates are totally boring, so I’ll just skip to the end. Sam wins! After arguing that “clubs would be really, really cool if eighteen-year-olds could drink,” he stuns the audience with a surprisingly coherent rebuttal about, uh, I sort of forget. Maybe he just hypnotized us with his neon-white smile.

Back at the mansion, winners Sam & Nicole and Will & Rebecca get to choose two teams for the elimination round.  Jasmine and Natalie want to eavesdrop on the winners’ deliberations. Jesse warns that, if they get caught, it could hurt their chances. “It’s! Fun! Though!” Jasmine whispers conspiratorially. Obviously, they do it. Obviously, Will catches them and scolds. Natalie responds by saying something-or-other, but at this point her raging hotness makes my tv screen explode in a hot, fiery mess of melted glass and live wires. I superglue it back together so I can finish the show.

Runner-up John and his partner Natalie get thrown to elimination because they are a “threat.” Will deems Tony “overly passive,” so he and Amanda must also fight to the death in to elimination. Tony bursts into tears and apologizes a thousand times to Amanda. “Everything I do, I do for Amanda,” he says with such sincerity that he is either  (a) a really sweet guy  (b) stalker-in-the-making.  I’m torn because the two teams under the knife have the highest physical-attractiveness-averages, ergo I don’t want either one to leave. John has a bit of acne scarring, but Natalie’s tv-exploding hotness more than makes up for it.

In the elimination round, the beauties and geeks answer questions on this week’s “languages.” Yawn. Amanda snuggles a teddy bear for comfort or moral support or maybe because she’s wants her Playboy spread to include a Lolita theme. Host Michael Richards asks her what OPEC stands for. What the fuck, even I don’t know that. I congratulate myself for being so ignorant; it must means I’m pretty, because Amanda can’t answer the question, either, and she and Tony lose. Natalie beams with joy and my tv screen cracks a little at the edges.

In their post-elimination interview, Tony mists up again. He says he learned a lot, and will always remember Amanda. She hopes he gets over his shyness, because what world needs a li’l more Tony. He’s a special little gift for the whole wide world! Put him in a box and tie it with a bowtie. I’d totally buy it.

This is the third post in my Beauty & the Geek series, which will last as long as Will and Joshua stay on the show.