We've stumbled across a Hillel staffer's guide to Princeton's eating clubs. It's touching in its banality; it's the view of an outsider pretending she's in, though it's pretty clear just how out she is (full disclosure: I was in Ivy; Hal's in Terrace).

Despite its blatant over-generalizations and reliance on hearsay and stereotypes, the guide is a testament to just how far Jews - and Princeton - have come. I can only imagine what this guide would have looked like 50 years ago: "Don't even bother."

Here's the guide's un-charming, extraordinarily exaggerated, David Brooks-inspired intro:

"Princeton is a work hard/play hard school. Thursday and Saturday nights are party nights at Princeton on the Street. Friday nights are quieter. A typical weekend works like this: Finish class on Thursday and study until it's time to go out to the street (11pm or so), stay out all night, sleep and go to class on Friday. Work all day Friday and Friday night, and all day Saturday. Do the Street thing again on Saturday night and work all day Sunday. Only at Princeton do you have structured playtime. It's as if students can't have fun at other times and must be out drinking on those nights."

After the jump: the descriptions of the clubs in full.

"Each club has it's own flavor and it's important to realize how they function.

CAP AND GOWN: Cap is one of the 4 genuine bicker clubs. It has a lot of athletes and the people there are pretty nice. [Name redacted] '08 and [name redacted] '08 (and maybe [name redacted] '07) are in Cap.   

CHARTER: Every club has it's fifteen minutes of glory. Charter's has passed. But that's not to say it won't be cool again. Club popularity ebbs and flows.  Give it time. [Name redacted] '08 is investing a lot into the club to revitilize its status.
 
CLOISTER:  Floater and Boaters. Cloister is home to the Swimming and Crew teams. It's a sign in club and the people are really nice. A lot of frosh hang out here because they can get in. [Name redacted] '07 (swimmer), and [name redacted]'07 (crew) were expected to join here.  

COLONIAL:  A sign in on the upswing, Colonial has a lot of Jews, you just wouldn't know it. It actually is home to a lot of gradating seniors. I believe that [name redacted] '07 is in Colonial.

COTTAGE:  Southern old money might be a way to describe Cottage. It's full of legacies, lacrosse and soccer players. It's bicker. I've got nothing in terms of connections to this club.

IVY:  New England old money. Stereotypical Princeton. Men in colored or plaid shorts with polo shirts. Ivy is Princeton in many regards. It's got a lot of actors and it does a lot of drugs. Very closely connected to Cottage (not surprising) and to Terrace (a bit more surprising). There are a considerable number of Jews in Ivy. All people I knew in Ivy have graduated.

QUAD:  Currently Quad is not the hottest sign in on the street. Wasn't always that way. Again, those members that I knew have graduated.

TERRACE:  Hippie, alternative, pot smoking, chill are all good descriptors of Terrace.  [Name redacted] '07 is in Terrace (as are a lot of other Jews).

TIGER INN:  Ah, TI. TI has quite a reputation as a bicker club. Let's just say that the men are fast and the women are easy and their bicker process often includes "third floor," which I am happy to explain to you, but not in writing. They have crappy food because they spend ALL of their money on beer. But they do have good parties. [Name redacted] '08 is in TI.

TOWER: Tower has been super popular this year. They have good food and are known for their signature cider (in addition to beer). I have fond the club quite hospitable. [Name redacted] '05 is now on an officer, but she's pretty in with Chabad. [Name redacted] '07, [name redacted] '07, [name redacted] '07, [name redacted] '07 (officer in the club), [name redacted] '08, [name redacted] '08,  [name redacted] '08, and [name redacted] '08 to get you in to meet members.  . THIS IS THE NEW JEWISH EATING CLUB.  MOST CJL JEWS END UP HERE. VERY POPULAR RIGHT NOW.

The single thing that I've learned from these rambling advices: at Tower, you check your foreskin at the door.