Despite the fact that we spend hours and hours obsessively scanning obscure publications like Inside Higher Education and painfully low-quality dailies like The Daily Princetonian for any mention of the Ivy League which could supply us with a post, no matter how tenuous or irrelevant (thanks, Chris and Nick — you guys are the best), somehow we missed this incredible article which ran in the WSJ about a month ago.

The WSJ dispatched their spirits critic (yes, the WSJ has a spirits critic) to write a column on drinks named after schools from the Ivy League. The result is a cool, complex mix of colorful reportage and incisive comment that goes down easy yet leaves one shaken. The author begins with a story surely familiar in one form or another to many denizens of the LES:

The bartender knew the times were changing when some Ivy League toffs wandered in: “You’ll think I’m kidding,” the saloon-keeper told Delaplane, “but I got an order couple nights for a Yale Cocktail!”

Yale wasn’t the only Ivy with a cocktail to its name. Depending on the Bartender’s Guide the saloon-keeper bought, he likely would also have found cocktail recipes immortalizing Harvard, Princeton, Cornell, Columbia and Brown (Dartmouth and the University of Pennsylvania seem to have missed out when the collegiate cocktails were being named). Sadly, these drinks have been all but forgotten, and in the rare instance where one persists — the Yale — the cocktail has become a parody of its former self.”

Imagine that: Yale a parody of itself. The problem with the Yale Cocktail, opines the author in vaguely racist undertones, is that its once signature constituent, Crème Yvette, an exotic, expensive European liqueur “flavored with violet petals, vanilla, and spices,” has been replaced by blue curacao. The Yale Cocktail has lost its “subtle taste and elegant dignity (a status impossible for any drink that relies on blue curaçao).” Yeah, we know what you really mean.

The author writes of the Harvard Cocktail, “It is as delicious as it is aristocratic,” and he calls the Princeton Cocktail,”one of the most appalling concoctions ever devised.” Cornell gets mentioned a couple times in parentheses.

After the jump — the full article.

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ANTM episode 2 opens with Yale ‘09 Victoria Marshman. Tyra Banks voices over: “This season we have a Yale student with brains and beauty.” Hunchback computer-programmer Heather has been branded as “stunning beauty struggling with a disability,” assuaging my premiere-episode fear that she would be a threat to Tory’s status as Token Smart Girl. Since molestation victim Marvita was eliminated in prelims, six-year foster care veteran Lisa takes over the hard-knock role: “I’ve seen every kind of hurt.” Plus, she’s an exotic dancer with a heart of gold, which is so Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Instant underdog status!

The girls arrive in LA and Mr. J announces the season’s theme: environmentalism. Yawn. The girls board a biodiesel bus pimped out with grass and other weird outdoor shit. “Weird outdoor shit” must be the design-world companion to “environmentalism” because the mansion is decorated that way, too, with shrubbery and strange plants creeping from every corner. Of course, the real theme of every ANTM cycle is “Tyra Banks,” and blown-up images of the Amazonian host’s airbrushed, pore-free face plaster virtually every flat surface. We move to the bedroom and discover that the girls will be sleeping in ONE BIG ROOM this year.  Budget issues?  Or a dastardly plot to induce lights-out melodrama and scantily-clad pillow fights?

After the jump — take a wild fucking guess. 

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Hal, Jacob and I have written about Brown twice in the four weeks we’ve been editors, and since the one I did was bullshit, it’s really like 1.3. It’s nothing against Brown per se; more that our curriculum-less brethren run a quiet academy free from the whorish distractions of, say, Columbia. Surely this appealed to Reade Seligmann.

But if schools aren’t going to make news, we do offer a subchannel of coverage for which they might qualify once they’ve proven that news never will happen. Consider it IvyGate’s Medicaid, or like when NFL teams are so bad that they throw their last regular season game to get the first draft pick.

We’re writing about Brown today because a skunk is dominating its campus. Not Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, not the Democratic presidential candidates, but a skunk. No sarcasm, it’s article of the week. More after the jump.

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We’ve stumbled across a Hillel staffer’s guide to Princeton’s eating clubs. It’s touching in its banality; it’s the view of an outsider pretending she’s in, though it’s pretty clear just how out she is (full disclosure: I was in Ivy; Hal’s in Terrace).

Despite its blatant over-generalizations and reliance on hearsay and stereotypes, the guide is a testament to just how far Jews - and Princeton - have come. I can only imagine what this guide would have looked like 50 years ago: “Don’t even bother.”

Here’s the guide’s un-charming, extraordinarily exaggerated, David Brooks-inspired intro:

“Princeton is a work hard/play hard school. Thursday and Saturday nights are party nights at Princeton on the Street. Friday nights are quieter. A typical weekend works like this: Finish class on Thursday and study until it’s time to go out to the street (11pm or so), stay out all night, sleep and go to class on Friday. Work all day Friday and Friday night, and all day Saturday. Do the Street thing again on Saturday night and work all day Sunday. Only at Princeton do you have structured playtime. It’s as if students can’t have fun at other times and must be out drinking on those nights.”

After the jump: the descriptions of the clubs in full.

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Last Monday, we posted an invitation to “The Masquerade,” a formal Yale party which sought the company of an elite group of freshmen. Directives to meet at “NINE THIRTY POST MERIDIEM” and to “TELL NO ONE AND DO NOT BE LATE” usually signify a hoax, but this was at Yale, one of the one places in the world that such pretentious secrecy can be taken in earnest.

As our commenters noted, however, “The Masquerade” was a prank — an annual one to boot. Certain freshmen Casper-aspirants — as determined by Facebook pretentiousness – would show only to find an upperclassmen society called the Pundits getting nakey-like. But this year, according to a source, very few went due to an anonymous e-mail dispersed to freshmen warning them of the Pundits’ penisy intentions.

The Pundits planned another of their usual pranks for Wednesday night, this one involving a cappella recruits (hate them so much…) and their stupid Tap Night. The invitation read as follows:

“Your musical talent has come to the attention of a very select group of singers. You are poised to join the ranks of the best musicians to pass through Yale’s gates. Congratulations. Please be at the Nathan hale statue on old campus promptly at 10 pm. Be in formal dress. All the singing groups will be notified of your location, to ensure that you will be tapped by the group of your choice. Tonight will be an evening to remember. Ad Harmoniam Perpetuandam, TTS [Top Tap Society]“

The same anonymous informer of “The Masquerade” e-mailed freshmen about the Pundits plans again:

“They will take you to some hard-to-find location and give you food and drink.  Meanwhile, they will play pranks on the singing group(s) that wish to tap you.”

Ooooh! Does this mean they surgically remove each of their larynxes? Where can I sign up??

Hmmph. What should we make of this anonymous informer — is he a hero, a buzzkill or just a Pundits reject? Or better yet, a Pundits mole…

After the jump, the anonymous informer’s latest e-mail to stupid a cappella wannabes.

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• Columbia: Love this guy 
• Cornell: Pulling out the Edward Said card on Bollinger
• Dartmouth: “Frankly, I think all the candidates need, to borrow a phrase from MTV’s The Real World, to ’stop being polite and start getting real.’” Such candor!
• Penn: It might. finally. end.
• Princeton: “Baby, you can drive my car - just not in Saudi Arabia, the only country with a prohibition on women getting behind the wheel.” Thank you, Karen Hughes.
• Yale: Staff editorial: ”Journalists play essential role on campus.” Wow.

Here’s Dartmouth columnist Daniel Belkin’s assessment of the 907th ‘08 Democratic presidential debate held last night in Hanover. IvyGate dedicates this two-part series to keggy.

With the start of classes yesterday here at the College, the newly-minted members of the Class of 2011 were flabbergasted at the bizarre world that lay just outside their dorm room windows. For a fleeting 24 hours, the Big Green was transformed from the tranquil academy depicted in admissions brochures to the wretched hell of presidential politics and media feeding frenzies, replete with activists, politicos and wonks. Not sure which is better.

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So apparently U.S. News & World Report has thrown in the towel when it comes to reporting news items that AREN’T gimmicky lists of colleges generated from statistical trivia. Following the lead of such pioneers of capitalism as Blackula and Black Caesar, U.S. News & World Report is proud to present America with another overhyped, arbitrary list: “America’s Best Black Colleges.”

According to the press release, this list “closely resembles that of of U.S.News & World Report’s annual “America’s Best Colleges” rankings.” No shit — you could almost say it’s the exact same thing, just tailored to a specific minority in order to make more money.

Here are the top five colleges:

1.  Spelman College (Atlanta, GA)

2.  Howard University (Washington, DC)

3.  Hampton University (Hampton, VA)

4.  Morehouse College (Atlanta, GA)

5.  Fisk University (Nashville, TN)

I guess Howard University, 1st in prestige but 2nd in thist list, really is the “black Harvard.” We are eagerly awaiting the list of America’s best Jewish colleges.

After the jump — IvyGate selflessly, courageously violates yet another USN&WR “embargo” (you guys might want to stop sending us these, btw).

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Accidentally sent out to all of Princeton’s ECO 100:

Dearest Prof Reinhardt,

I’m your fan from ECO 100! I heard you’re going on OPRAH some time soon~ if you’re not too busy, perhaps you can inform me of the time it’s gonna be on air so that I can catch the show? Also, can I know if I can invite you for a meal, *like*, a date, in the hope that you would be glad to advise me on major stuffs? Feel free to reject me though.. understand you’re busy prof! Thanks for your time~ and err, I hope you haven’t been offended by the way I’ve written my email. I thought I need to devise a cool way to talk to cool professors.

Regards,

[name redacted]

The Cornell Sun, arbiter of Fine Journalism, subject of famous documentaries, and in the words of one of its former editors, “one of the best newspapers in the Ivy League” (i.e. “better than the Daily Princetonian”), has a bit of a paraphrasing problem: the September 25 issue contained two articles directly cribbed from Inside Higher Education.

On August 31, Inside Higher Education featured an article entitled “Jon Stewart, Oral Exams and More,” about new, “innovative” ways that a certain Professor Ryan Lee Teten has reached his students.

In a September 25 article, “Jon Stewart Book Aids Professors: Students find comedy increases interest in government,” the Sun relates more or less the exact same story about new, “innovative” ways a certain Professor Ryan Lee Teten has reached his students.

IHE: “He also wanted to consider whether the book would provide a good introduction to the key topics an intro course should cover, and whether it would encourage critical thinking.”

SUN: “He felt it offered a solid introduction to American government and encouraged critical thinking.”

IHE: “If you compare the table of contents of America the Book with those of traditional texts, Teten noted that they cover much of the same ground, with chapters on the presidency, Congress, the courts, the media, the world outside the United States, and so forth.”

SUN: “In comparing the content of America to standard introductory political science texts, Teten noticed that much of the same material was covered, such as the presidency, Congress and foreign policy.”

IHE: “First, he said that a review he did of America the Book convinced him that it was 90 percent true, with the rest satire.”

SUN: “Teten said that his research on the book indicated that 90 percent of the content was factual and that the remaining 10 percent was satirical.”

After the jump: more of the Sun’s creepy journalistic practice of paraphrasing and localizing boring stories from Inside Higher Education.

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