According to an article in Sunday’s New York Times, schools once institutionalized as safeties for Ivy aspirants are becoming first choices themselves due to higher application rates. It’s a pretty no-fucking-shit argument, but the Times goes further and offers the kids this juicy morsel:

If you want an intellectually rigorous, urban campus, the University of Chicago may be a fallback for the University of Pennsylvania. If you fell in love with Columbia for its international studies program, consider Georgetown as a safety.”

Whosawhatsitnow? I thought Chicago and Georgetown were like, hard to get into and stuff. Didn’t U.S. News & World Report rank Chicago and Columbia as a tie for ninth in 2007? Isn’t Georgetown ranked sixteenth for selectivity, six spots above Cornell? Sounds like this “world report” should read the Times‘ naughty little secret: any Ivy League wannabe can get into Georgetown and Chicago. How ignorant we all were before this tell-all!

Read the Times, you bright-eyed 16-year-old Ivy gropers. The old standby safeties may be competitive now, but you’ll always have stinky Georgetown and Chicago to land on. Lying liars like U.S. News might rank them as top-tier, but, um, do you see an “Ivy” in the names of their leagues? If you can’t get into those “schools,” then stop masquerading as a student and go to voky.

And don’t say the Times might be wrong. When has the Times ever been wrong about serious issues in recent years?

If you hadn’t caught onto the sarcasm, hopefully that last sentence cleared it up. It’s not that I hate the Times. I enjoy Frank Rich’s columns instantly confirming my predetermined views as much as the next guy. But describing Chicago and G’town as safety schools for anyone is like saying that I have job prospects. I know only one person who ever got into Georgetown but 3.5 who got into Princeton. Does the Times want no one to go to college, like heartbroken Colin Hanks in Orange County? Find some real safety schools. We can’t all be like that girl who refused to read Romeo & Juliet:

–JIM NEWELL

From the elevation-challenged lands of Topeka, Kansas comes this morning’s jolt of intolerance, thanks to the Westboro Baptist Church (homepage: godhatesfags.com). Seems the anti-everything bretheren are up in arms over the “perverts,” “fags” and “dykes” emerging from far-flung Cornell, and they’ve decided to head toward Ithaca to forgive transgressions, er, I mean spread the joyous Word in honor (persecution?) of Cornell’s LGBT Resource Center and general allowance of gay pride.

According to the release, the anti-religious group will be out in full force this Thursday at the ungodly (ha!) hour of 8:30 a.m. in an undisclosed location, all thanks to the First Amendment. The text, in all of it’s Samuel L. Jackson-as-Jules Winnfield-esque glory:

This is a seat of higher learning in America, an Ivy League no less, which is filled with perverts running things, and they are trying to make fags and dykes out of all of their students. They, like the rest of America, have taught and CONTINUE to teach full-blown rebellion, to teach their sons and daughters to be snakes just like they themselves are and their father the Devil. Matthew 23:33- Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? John 8:44- Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. Jesus Christ called them poisonous snakes! He is not a wimp, and He is going to continue to bereave you of your children until he finally executes the Judgment upon you as he did the Sodomites (Genesis 19) and countless other nations (the Canaanites, the Benjamites, the Philistines, Pompeii, Egypt). America is doomed! She shall be laid desolate! The siege is coming!

Confused yet? Yeah, I am too, and I actually tried to stay awake in Sunday School. To add fuel to the fire, the date on this tour of love comes after the previous day’s stop at a New York high school to picket the memorial of five deceased cheerleaders, or “raised-for-the-Devil, American whores.” All because the school was “promoting sodomy among students” through a diversity club. Talk about not catching a break.

With a history of making waves on Scarborough Country and Hannity & Colmes and protesting at services for killed Iraq vets and Virginia Tech students — oh, and reportedly saying the Holocaust was “miniscule” — it’s sure to be a tailgatin’ good time. Hell, when FOX News calls you “radical,” it’s gotta count for something. Word has it that a counter-protest among the Big Red ranks is in the works, so to any Cornellians with a nice view from the ivory tower, be sure to send along the visual goods at ivygate.guest@gmail.com.

Oh, and Aleksey Vayner has nothing to do with this. We just need to get our irrelevant potshots in early. – ANDREW NUSCA

Working at an independent student newspaper like the Daily Pennsylvanian, as I did for three or four years, entails a lot of grown-up stress. The school endorses you as a worthwhile educational opportunity but laughs at the thought of giving you even a farthing’s worth of money.

That’s right you 19-year-old editors, earn your own bread. Sell advertising or cease to exist. And if worrying about a corporation’s fiscal standing isn’t enough, sweat it over about Jane from Psych 1. She’ll never go to the frat semi-formal with you, because she likes Tad, a Wharton man, even though he likes Ashley, but she’s a ho and everyone knows it. I mean did you see her at Alpha Chi Ho-mega last week?

Oh right, newspapers. Turns out the DP kids are alright after all, because they’re now inappropriately rich, at least by Dr. Evil’s standards. According to a New York Daily News report, the recently deceased gossip columnist, TV personality and Hamptons flaneur Claudia Cohen (Penn ‘72) left some special happiness for her old fish wrapper:

‘In a will filed in Manhattan Surrogate’s Court, Cohen gave $10 million to the Spence School on the upper East Side, $5 million to the Alzheimer’s Association and $1 million to the University of Pennsylvania’s the Daily Pennsylvanian, “which meant so much to me and my career.”‘

My first reaction after reading this was a simple “Good Lord.” Every thought since has been “Good Lord.” I mean, that money could have gone to a socially responsible cause, like anywhere else.

This Cohen is rarely mentioned among famous DP alums. (Actually the only famous DP alum anyone ever mentions is the single worst college newspaper alum imaginable: Hayden Christensen. I mean Stephen Glass. Life as a House?) Yet here she drops the ad man’s wet dream’s worth of skrilla. But can the DP use that money to buy better voiceovers?

–JIM NEWELL

IvyGate has gone 27 seconds without new guest editors, but the children’s parade will now march on. It’s like a whole new Internet. Everyone loves the Internet.

I’m Jim Newell, Penn ‘07, s/w/m, survivor of 9-year-old muggers. In my sporting youth I was editor-in-chief of the Daily Pennsylvanian’s weekly magazine, 34th Street (what what). Those familiar with Street consider it either an arts, entertainment and culture alt-weekly or a 20-24 page penis joke. Always the compromiser, I see Street as an artful, entertaining, culturally astute penis joke. Did I mention I’m unemployed? Wokka wokka.

My greatest pleasure while editing Street was to check a set of blogs the morning of each issue to see whether we’d been made fun of. Problem was, people had other things to do, like I don’t know, breathe. Even IvyGate overlooked us, although they had their plate full of minor lifestyle plagiarism scandals to face first, and we all enjoy those. But now that I half-run this interlink haberdashery, I’m excited to get criticized ruthlessly, and with all luck personally, in the comments. Bring the pain, as it were. For all you trusty myrmidons out there, however, send yer raciest tips and a-list Evites to ivygate.guest@gmail.com. I’ll only crash your party if you crash mine.

And I’m Andrew Nusca, Columbia ‘08 and the fiercest defender of the losingest city in sports, which just so happens to be the location of Newell’s alma mater. You might recognize my handle from some of journalism’s more, um, esteemed outlets (what, IvyGate’s not esteemed? There’s a spilled cup of brew in the logo. C’mon.), including the Huffington Post, Men’s Vogue, Popular Mechanics and the New York Daily News. For all you news hounds out there, I write the media criticism blog The Editorialiste, too. I live in Brooklyn and as a result get no sleep until I’m there, so it’s a very real possibility that my late-night drivel will greet you with your saccharine cup of Fivebucks the next morning. Cheerio, fuckers!

So fear not, dear readers, for there is plenty of room for a real journalistic integrity ’round these interwebs. Consider IvyGate under my watch to be the Vanity Fair of the collegiate blogging world: Always classy, always trashy. It wouldn’t be any other way. As Newell said above, send the good tips to ivygate.guest@gmail.com . Mmm, tasty.

This is Sam Jackson and I just wanted to say it has been a real pleasure to work with Beth writing IvyGate these past two weeks. Readers: your kind and thoughtful comments inspired us to new creative heights as we brought you the quality IvyGate coverage you know and love.

Although we didn’t meet the usual scandal quota (yet!) we cleared IvyGate’s good name and reported on the illegal gun collections of Yalies, the roaming child gangs of Penn, the fact that Harry Potter is apparently popular, Columbia student groups and their threat to national security, and of course, sex and its associated expenses.

We also trashed on the Kennedys, explained away Princeton’s fundraising bonanza, met the new kid on the blog block, learned not to look for jobs on Craigslist or friends in business, and explored the seedy underworlds of frat boys with guns and summer campers with wandering hands. Finally, we hated the possible next next next generation of IvyGate guest editors.

And this is Beth. What he said.

Enjoy your summers, and send in those tips!

XOXOXO,

Sam and Beth

Everyone agrees there is nothing more obnoxious than a baby in a “Future Harvard Grad” onesie. Whether the kid has alumni parents or came from the Ivy League sperm bank on the corner, she’s not going to grow up normal.

Which is why this new trend of dragging siblings along to college orientations has us concerned. According to a recent Boston Globe article, at most schools the rugrats don’t even have to sit through lectures on Pell grants, academic advising, and “the role of the university in today’s world.” Instead, it’s all sorts of arts and crafts, science lab, birthday cake, moonbounce, pony ride fun.

That’s healthy. Hey, Jane! Not only have we expected you to go to Harvard since before you were conceived and your sister got in, but you also have delightful childhood memories of it being the funnest place in the world.

Now go work on your admissions essay.

–BETH MILTON

Unlike Penn or Yale, Princeton Public Safety is having a monumentally slow summer crime-wise. That’s really the only explanation for the ultimate read-between-the-lines security bulletin they issued yesterday:

    The Department of Public Safety is alerting community members of an incident that took place in the Blair Hall courtyard on Tuesday, July 24, 2007, at approximately 10:30 p.m.

    A group of male juveniles were talking to several female Princeton University summer camper [sic.] attendees in the Blair Hall courtyard. During the conversation one of the male juveniles grabbed a body part of one of the female campers.

    The male juvenile was described as a white male, approximately 16 years of age, 5′ 5″, medium build, with short, blonde spiked hair. The male juvenile told the female camper that his name was “Adam.”

Sure, there’s a chance that something really nasty went down. But more likely, the police are actually investigating that sacred camp tradition: after-hours groping.

Remember, Princeton residents, if you see any 16-year-old boys eyeing your chest… oh, nevermind.

–BETHANY MILTON

In a tragic turn of events for college students nationwide, birth control costs on campuses are going through the roof. Last year’s Deficit Reduction Act has recently been fingered as the culprit in the rising costs.

The $39 billion in cuts were leveled at things like subsidized student loans, Medicaid, candy, children’s toys, etc; Gawker alerted us this morning to a Wall Street Journal article which dished the full details of its implications for subsidized contraceptives.

Anne Marie Chaker writes that “through an arcane set of circumstances” the act has disincentivized drug companies from subsidizing their product for school markets.

The contraceptive prices offered to schools are now included in a complex calculation that determines certain Medicaid-related rebates that drug makers must pay to states. In this calculation, deep discount prices would have the effect of increasing drug makers’ payments.

Colleges and universities say the change is having a significant impact on their health centers and the students they serve. Prices have begun skyrocketing for many popular brands of birth control. Health centers are having to reconfigure their offerings and write new prescriptions. And college students are making some tough choices, such as switching to cheaper generic brands or forgoing their privacy in order to claim their pills on their parents’ insurance.

The higher prices took effect earlier this year but savvy college health providers stocked up before the changes, forestalling the impending contraceptive cost crisis. Don’t just feel bad for the “very fertile” college women who will now have to suffer higher prices or a lack of privacy to get their birth control, though. The schools that received those subsidized products were making a tidy profit, too, which has now evaporated as they turn to subsidize contraceptives for their students.

Free market solutions, anyone? I hope you’re happy, Republicans.

–SAM JACKSON

Oh, Yale. You think your assault rifle-toting frat boys make you so special. But don’t you realize 5.2% of all Greeks carry guns? (The binge-drinking kind of Greeks, not the baklava-making kind.)

So reports Jennifer Epstein in an Inside Higher Ed article, which is chock-full of all sorts of troubling anecdotes. For instance, at Alpha Gamma Rho members at Oregon State University “told police they were frustrated that transients entered the house without permission and at least two told police they had shot at transients with BB guns.” Maybe if they left less porn and pizza and booze lying around, the transients would be less likely to stop by?

The weirdest story, though, is from Dartmouth and dates all the way back to the pre-IvyGate Stone Age of 2005. Apparently a Michael Volodarsky, Class of ‘08, decided one Super Bowl Sunday to explore the roof of the Zeta Phi house on a “smoke break.” Up there he found a loaded BB gun, and with nothing much better to do, decided to take a pot shot at an Epsilon Kappa Theta… er, at a garbage dumpster. The Kappa Theta sister just got in the way. Michael is still at Dartmouth–and a proud member of the Bones Gates Bones Gate, a.k.a. Delta Tau Delta.

IvyGate’s advice: Stay away from Bone Gate parties–you never can know if cries of “Shotgun!” precede free-flowing beer or falling plaster.

–BETH MILTON

The long-named Columbia University Chinese Student and Scholars Association: United for China’s Peaceful Rising (CUCSSA) has taken the stance, as of a few weeks ago, that “Anyone who offends China will be executed no matter how far away they are!” and said so on their website for all to see. That’s what ‘peaceful rising’ means in Mandarin, right? Someone translate for me.

Luckily for most of us, the Epoch Times tells us that ‘anyone’ just means Falun Gong practitioners. The Columbia University Falun Dafa Club is understandably upset. This was only the latest escalation in CUCSSA’s extremist rhetoric in the months since the Falun Dafa Club hosted a panel discussion in April about China’s spotty human rights record.

The April panel, titled “China’s New Genocide-Organ Harvesting from Live Falun Gong Practitioners,” caused an indignant CUCSSA to try to take disruptive action. They were not yet at the death-threat stage, instead:

The CUCSSA responded by sending out an email to its members the night before that referred to using “flags dyed red in blood to beat” the “high spirits” of Falun Gong. The email also repeated slanders of Falun Gong typically used in the Chinese regime’s propaganda.

The Falun Dafa Club received a copy of the inflammatory e-mail and Columbia University police were on hand the next day when 20 to 30 CUCSSA members showed up carrying large red flags, which they were forced to leave outside the lecture hall.

During the panel discussion CUCSSA students held up small placards attacking Falun Gong using terms borrowed from the Chinese regime’s anti-Falun Gong propaganda, flew paper airplanes in the direction of the speakers, and in other ways acted in a disruptive manner. Two students from the CUCSSA group were prevented from reentering the lecture hall because of their inappropriate behavior.

First question: Were the red flags actually dyed in blood? All of your questions answered after the break. Read the rest of this entry »