Believe Me, It Gets Much Colder Than This
While there are downsides to letting anyone upload anything to YouTube, the pure magic of videos like last week’s Dartmouth Mating Ritual more than makes up for it. It combines the anthropology of Jane Goodall footage with the freeze-frame surgery of Blind Date, and it’s all set to the music of the gods. You could write a thesis on the binge/hookup-culture moment that it captures. (The video was removed from YouTube, but we’ll be re-hosting it here later.)
To this scholarly genre we now add Believe Me, It Gets Much Colder Than This, a video that’s been bouncing around Columbia for the better part of three years. Like lucky footage of a sasquatch, there just happened to be a camera present to record for History the most awkward flirting of all time. It features the freshest of freshmen: a young woman of considerable beauty, and a young man of considerable obliviousness. We actually know the guy, who’s really nice, just wincingly unaware of boundaries, and while we feel kinda bad about airing the clip, it’s like Sauron’s ring — it just calls out to be found. My precious:
UPDATE 8:57 p.m.:A transcript:
Guy: … check her mailbox for a birthday card, and we might like go and get some coffee or drinks or whatever.
Girl: Oh, cool. But, it’s so cold, I cannot go outside.
Girl 2: You’re not going to the meeting? Guy: [inaudible]?
Girl: Oh that’s okay, I [inaudible]
Guy: I know, if you lived outside San Diego, believe me, it gets much colder than this. Not in October, but December and January–
Girl: No, I–
Guy: –it can be 20 degrees, it can be 10 degrees here.
Girl: [disbelief]
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April 24th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
What is he saying?
April 24th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
that dude is teh sweetness
April 24th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
A transcript is necessary, because I can barely understand what they’re saying.
April 24th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
i don’t think he’s actually flirting. i’m a guy, and this is prettty much the way this guy normally acts. he also sounds like jeffery sachs which is cool because i think they are both originally from michigan.
April 24th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Hey satan america how are you f-ing murderous losers doing ? How are the pathetic pukes in the ivy leagues. Rumor has it you only like sucking on satans dick after it’s been buried up your ass and the feces have had a chance to age for 28 days like texas beef. I heard the boldest of you swallows peanuts whole so there is a little crunch to impress satan with your devotion. I know how your daddies like to impress their friends. Your daddies paid people I know of two thousand deutchmarks to eat shit off a plate and freak out your ivy league alumni. Rumor has it the next equipment issue for you prissy little ivy leaguers is not a carry permit for a handgun but a breast pocket scalpel kit so you can stab your enemies infant children in the back, slit their throats and chop of their limbs and sodomize their parents with the body parts. We know how you americans have a predeliction for ramming inanimate objects up people’s ass’s ( poor Albert Louima ). adolf hitler was your blue chip boy, paid for by your daddies to gas and torch six million Jews while your americans blue chips profits increased by a multiple of ten times. Paranoid america must be the only country on the planet whose government and blue chip daddies actually have a template of attack and kill the potential Christ, murder the potential Messiah plans. God must be one sadistic murderous tortuous old piece of crap to have allowed for you idiotic americans to conquer the world and call yourselves Christian or even moral or just. GOD must really be one sick f_ck to have allowed 3 or 4 of you lying murderous americans to live and prosper. Oh well after a close analysis of you sick f_cking americans that say you’re Christian, God must really be one sick f_ck. Congratulations, you sick satan worshipping americans have destroyed my belief in a kind GOD. Now I’m waiting for GOD to annihilate your evil ass’s all at once and save the planet. I’m sure afterwards the thousand or so that are left living will come to the same conclusion as I have. In the meantime you can be sure I’ll be cheering on the asteroid that puts america out of it’s misery and saves the planet. I don’t personally need to get violent on your evil butt’s. By the way how’s buffet doing with your education interruption insurance ? How are the ivy gate cia workers doing today ? Are you helping to compile nasty dossiers on all the contributors or just Jews, Muslims, Roman Catholics, Quakers and anyone else that doesn’t worship your cia televangelists? Dear GOD please take jerry falwell first on a significant day with lots of sixes in the date to point him out as satan’s little helper. The united nations laughed when america was refered to as satan and the few of you who don’t like my commentary are out numbered by almost six billion people or so who are also cheering on americans overnight demise. We love you too america but the only possible way to save the little that’s left of the planet is for america to vanish in the rapture scenario you’re all hoping for as well. Oh well talking at you evil fools is nothing but passing time until either you vanish or I do. Your government is so bad at completing the task of killing me but I did have a visit from two secret service agents a couple of days ago pretending to be officers of another country, hilarious attempts at intimidation. Come on send me to gitmo for some fun in the sun and three square meals a day while I get to play 24/7 head games with your interrogators. I like water boarding, maybe when they hook up my balls to some electrodes I’ll get the feeling back in the left side of my dick thats been missing since I split myself in half in 1986. Hilarious that I’ve got old surgeries older than most of you losers. Ah love is a many splendid wonderous thing.
April 24th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Hey maybe if you gave us a preview function before publishing I’d feel guilty about the length of the rant I slide your way on occasion. It sure looks long once it’s up there. The 147 page book is much better but apparently your government thinks it’s to much for you youngsters to handle just like so many of my comments you’ve erased. You really like to leave the rude stuff I write up here so I’ve expanded my style just to be rude for you. Don’t forget to pick up your cheque from the cia for your efforts.
April 24th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Google “christianarchisti” and see just what a schizo this guy is.
April 24th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Why would I bother?
April 24th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
If everyone ignores him, he WILL eventually go away. Just try it and see.
April 24th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
I agree, I know said guy, names would be rude, and he’s just like that always. To his defense, he is actually very smart and a genuinely nice guy. I wish I knew the girl though, she’s a cutie.
April 24th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
Here’s the facts ladies — it gets a lot colder than this. He’s just sayin.
April 24th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
@ christianarchisti:
Awww, it’s like every conspiracy-nut stereotype imaginable was typed up by a 2nd-grader on meth. Congratulations on doing the unthinkable: making George Bush look good in comparision.
April 24th, 2007 at 11:35 pm
I forgot about that video. Still awesome.
April 25th, 2007 at 12:32 am
I love that this christianarchisti guy is such a raging lunatic and then posts a really coherent and whiny internet follow up about not having a preview function, only to devolve back into ranting incoherently.
Also, who is this guy? amazing that what he’s writing can’t stay on topic for more than two seconds without devolving into wildly offensive, homophobic, religophobic or vaguely racist/race-baiting idiocy. Awesome. What a champion.
April 25th, 2007 at 12:45 am
I know the guy from the video, too. He’s a nice guy, but he’s completely clueless. As for the girl, she’s smokin’. Rumor has it that she’s been a model for Cosmo, and that she’s a damn fine athlete (Ivy League POY-worthy, in fact).
April 25th, 2007 at 12:45 am
I know the guy from the video, too. He’s a nice guy, but he’s completely clueless. As for the girl, she’s smokin’. Rumor has it that she’s been a model for Cosmo, and that she’s a damn fine athlete (Ivy League POY-worthy, in fact).
April 25th, 2007 at 12:52 am
Jesus H., man. That’s the most painfully awkward yet captivating video I’ve ever seen. I genuinely feel for the guy despite the fact that four viewings in, the video still elicits a quite satisfying sense of schadenfreude. Someone should give him his own reality TV show.
April 25th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
OMG OMG OMG, that was amazing. I know that dude, he’s amazingly awkward, even now 3 years later. Here’s an amazing example of how oblivious he is:
He was bragging for 4 weeks about dating this one girl, who he habitually referred to as his girlfriend. Then on their 3rd date in 4 weeks, he tries to kiss her goodnight, and she flips a shit. Turns out this whole time she’s just been going to dinner as a friend of his, and has actually been dating someone else for months.
April 25th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
wow I remember that video. I was standing in the background laughing hysterically.
April 25th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
She’s a hurley model and a soccer player. Now you know.
November 5th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
…he’s definitely hitting on her. But I don’t think he’s as awkward as some have suggested. Here’s my analysis:
1. Some people are getting drinks and he invites her along.
2. She says “no, it’s too cold”
3. He says, “you can can wear my coat if you want.”
4. Her friend/wingman offers an escape, “are you still going to that meeting?” as if one is taking place at the exact moment drinks are being had, but, alas, she decides to just flat out reject him despite the the tentative meeting.
5. Realizing this, he changes the subject to weather so as to not dwell on the non-propagation of his genes.
The whole thing is tragic.