• Columbia: Columnist defends your right to piracy [Spec]
• Cornell: Triumph of the nerds! [Sun]
• Harvard: Bill Clinton will address students at Class Day, but even his spokesman won't talk to the Crimson [Crimson]
• Penn: Neighborhood "overwhelmingly in favor" of proposed liquor store. Except for the mosque across the street [DP]
• Yale: Applicants now have .7% greater chance of eternal bliss [YDN]

March 30, 2007 11:37 AM by RagTime | Link | Comment | Read more: Columbia , Cornell , Harvard , Penn , RagTime , Yale

The thing about student council elections is-- Wait! Don't stop reading!

Sorry, we should never start an item with "student council elections." It's one of those phrases that, like "tax reform" and "In 1647...", induces instant brain shutdown. Which is why Michael Morgenstern's 50-minute documentary on Brown's 2006 student council race is nothing short of a miracle.

To answer your first question: Yes, we watched the whole thing. To answer your second: Yes, you should, too.

The movie follows the three candidates for UCS president. Along the way, you see all the hallmarks of back-stabby political drama: students talking shit about other students ...  Well, that's actually it, but it's pretty fun to watch. Perhaps it could have used a major campaign sabotage, or a sex scandal, or an assassination. But given the subject matter, the movie does an incredible job of making you care about a race that most Brown kids were probably too busy watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force to even follow.

The characters make it work. There's "dumb" "jock" John (scare quotes because you have to keep in mind, it's Brown), the lacrosse-playing superhottie who means well, but looks about as adept on the debate floor as Stephen Hawking on a basketball court. Then there's Zac, the silver-tongued Karl Rove lookalike who, in his first interview, remarks ever so subtly that he got into Harvard. Zac knows everyone and everyone knows him -- as an asshole. (He freely admits this in the film.) Lastly, there's Arthur: idealistic, outgoing, doomed. The filmmaker, himself a Brown junior, manages to weave a cohesive narrative around these three players, tracking them to meetings, interviewing them behind the scenes, and milking other students for quotes so gem-like they sparkle.

It's not like this film is going to solve the problem of student apathy -- which, come to think of it, never seems like much of a problem when the issues at hand are greater than swipe access and dining hall hours. But it definitely helps de-douchify the sort of people who four years of college teaches you to despise. We don't find ourselves saying this much, but big ups to everyone involved in this project. (For a more cinematic experience, you can see the hi-res version here.)

P.S. -- What's with that unicorn dance? Probably just what happens when you let students design their own curriculum.

March 29, 2007 10:11 AM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (11) | Read more: Brown , YouTube , student government

• Brown: Citing "rowdyism," temperance zealots strike again [Herald]
• Columbia: Sports columnist bizarrely furious at own paper's sports story [Spec]
• Columbia: Minuteman stage-rushers censured; bitchslap from Jon Stewart still hurts more [Spec]
• Cornell: Better than Vicodin? Pshaw [Sun]
• Dartmouth: One fish, two fish, red fish, cramming Adderall up your nose in the library bathroom fish [The D]
• Harvard: Law school gets shitload of New York Magazine subscriptions [Crimson]
• Princeton: RIAA hatin' 'gin [Prince]
  

March 28, 2007 7:26 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (5) | Read more: Brown , Columbia , Cornell , Dartmouth , Harvard , Princeton , RagTime

How do you know when a viral video is done, done done? When a Yale student group spoofs it. First their Senior Class Gift fund brought us "Senior Gift in a Box." Now their women's crew team has applied the winning formula to comedian Liam Sullivan's ubiquitous "Shoes" video.

The original "Shoes" (2006) tells the story of Kelly, a blonde ingenue who, stifled by the tedium of family life, sets out to "get what I want." Namely, shoes. She embarks on a journey that takes her from store to store, where she offers pointed, often devastating, critiques of various types of shoes. It eventually devolves into a decadent Boschian fantasy with flaming hula hoops and big stuffed purple dragons. If you haven't seen it, you're either dead or you're J.D. Salinger. (Don't play, Jerry, you know you read us.) In either case, watch it here.

The YWC's homage borrows the original's structure and spirit, but adds a thematic twist. Rather than combing the town for shoes, the crew team roams Yale's campus in search of food. The result, while unappealing in most every way, is impressive as a shot-for-shot remake a la Gus Van Sant. We'll leave the criticism at that, seeing as any one of those mustachioed women could absolutely manhandle us. If you find yourself getting the point, fast forward to the end: you'll see one girl bench-pressing another.

March 28, 2007 11:04 AM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (27) | Read more: Yale , YouTube , food

From: Yale College Council
Date: March 27, 2007 12:33:36 AM EDT
To: undisclosed-recipients: ;
Subject: Your Spring Fling 2007 Performers: Coming Tuesday, May 1st!

Two hours and 11 minutes, actually.

The above image (click to embiggen) landed in every Yale undergrad's inbox shortly after midnight, announcing this year's Spring Fling performers as Smashmouth and Ricky Martin. Last year's headliners were Ludacris and Ben Folds, so that would have been quite a letdown. As college pranks go, this was somewhere way below Drinkin' Time and way above the reinstatement of Larry Summers. But, all things considered, we give the parties responsible -- we're told it's three gents folks by the name of Amun Storres Arun Storrs, Zijun Chen and Jayson Tischler* -- a B for finely calibrated plausibility and Photoshop skillz.

Alas! New Haven yawned, not a soul convinced, more concerned with reacclimating after spring break and furiously de-tagging incriminating photos on Facebook. And at 2:47 a.m., the not-fazed-whatsoever Yale College Council responded in kind. If video killed the radio star, Internet killed the campus prankstar.

From: "Yale College Council" <ycc@yalestation.org>
Date: March 27, 2007 2:47:55 AM EDT
To: [Redacted]
Subject: Your Spring Fling 2007 Performers: Coming Tuesday, May 1st!

(No, it's not Smashmouth and Ricky Martin either.

Find out through the YDN in a couple of weeks.)

*UPDATE March 28: Given that we a) misspelled the first person's name, b) had the wrong gender on the second, and c) are now told by the third ("Error!!!") that he had nothing to do with the original email, we think it's pretty fair to say our tipster was misinformed about who was involved. Disregard!

March 27, 2007 4:04 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (10) | Read more: Yale , pranks

Beware MBAs bearing gifts.

Nate Pierce, a JD/MBA student at NYU, contacted a few top schools back in January to tell them about his cool new idea: a service that would compile the resumes of other JD/MBAs and put them in touch with each other and potential employers. Apparently many schools don't keep up-to-date lists of JD/MBAs -- the god-kings of grad school society -- and therefore there's no central database of these uber-qualified job candidates. It's simple, really: You give him your resume, he makes sure an employer sees it. For free.

At this point, anyone with even the slightest shade of street wisdom would be wondering, what's in it for him? Nate's waaay ahead of ya. He reassured students in his initial pitch:

"Please note that I am not doing this for my own agenda -- I have already secured employment following graduation.  I am doing this project because I think it will benefit many JD/MBAs, and because I myself would like to be a part of a national network of JD/MBAs."

Shame on you for thinking he would try and make money off his fellow students!

Here's the problem: he sorta is. Just last week, a dean at NYU's career services office sent out a mass e-mail to administrators at Yale, Harvard, Michigan, Stanford, and other places where Pierce had been hawking his wares:

From: Irene Dorzback
Sent: Friday, March 23, 2007 4:05 PM
To: [Redacted]
Subject: Re: TIME SENSITIVE JD/MBA Resume Book

Colleagues:

I just learned from a law firm that our student, Nate Pierce, has sent a promotional letter to the law firms offering the "top schools" JD/MBA resume book to them for a $500 fee. There are 52 resumes in the book (which I have not seen). No where in his communication to you did he indicate that he would be charging a fee and I don't believe your students believed he would be profitting "off their backs."

[snip]

Best,

Irene

We hear some of the students who signed up for the database were none too pleased. (Although Pierce told us that no one has opted out so far.) So Pierce sent out a notice to students explaining why he was now collecting from employers: 

I have incurred significant costs, in both time and out-of-pocket expenses, putting everything together (approximately $9,000 in time and effort and $3,000 in actual expenses for jointdegree.com, jdmba.com, and a software tool to enable employers to search the resume book based on key criteria).

He adds that he was planning to offer a complimentary copy to businesses that don't want to pay.

We got in touch with Pierce to hear his side. Somewhere in his 1,816-word reply, he acknowledges his mistake in not disclosing the fee and explains what he meant to say in his original e-mail:

I was trying to assure JD/MBAs, administrators, and employers that I was not piloting the project for my own exposure, which is entirely true.  I have already accepted an offer upon graduation, and my resume is not included in the employer edition. So no exposure for me (until now).

Machiavellian manipulation or honest mistake? The call is yours: we've included all the e-mails after the jump (minus the seven-screen monstrosity he sent us). Either way, he's now bound to get more exposure than if he'd done it right. So it goes.

Continue reading "NYU Law Kid Wants to Help You Help Him" »

March 27, 2007 11:06 AM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (33) | Read more: NYU , business school , law school

Ever since Gutenberg brought the pain to monks, scribes, and the dudes who pimped out their drop caps, the written word has been the way society operates. And certain things follow from that: we know how to spell, we know letters usually need salutations, we know about semicolons and chapters and the inverted pyramid and whether it's possible to read 200 pages in an afternoon. We are, in other words, literate.

Now, we're not nearly saying that viral video is on par with the printing press. But being able to create a short movie is inarguably becoming a crucial skill, in a time when one dude can create this -- 2.7 million views and counting.

Philip de Vellis, the "Vote Different" guy, is clearly the new kind of literate. And at Harvard, the people who make "Love|Hate" just as clearly are not. In January we wrote about their execrable pilot; only one commenter made it past the 2:34 mark. Here's their second effort, and while it's better -- on account of being 12 minutes shorter -- it still just fundamentally makes our life hurt, to borrow a commenter's phrase. We're not even talking about production values necessarily, although the echoes do bring to mind the San Fernando Valley's finest. It's that "Love|Hate" is not compelling, original or necessary in any way, and we say that as people who would absolutely buy Ball In A Cup if that commercial ever actually aired.

March 26, 2007 4:02 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (8) | Read more: Harvard , YouTube , hrtv

Must suck to live in a soap opera. Every episode it's a new ordeal: Your old boyfriend dies of AIDS, your new boyfriend is in with the mob, your father fakes his death and vanishes for 15 years, your mother miscarries after an elevator crash, and to top it off you get taken hostage and shot in the stomach. But none of these tragedies come close to the horror of ... gosh, it's hard to even say it ... the unparallelled heartbreak of getting into Yale.

We stumbled across this 1995 clip from General Hospital, in which Robin Scorpio -- who later loses her virginity, tests positive for HIV, and experiences all the terrible things listed above -- gets a "big fat envelope from Yale." Her reaction: utter dismay. See, she doesn't want to be far from her boyfriend, Stone, not for all the Whiffenpoofs in the world. Most girls with similar situations in the real world deal with this by trying to keep up a long-distance thing (racking up $140 Cingular bills and listening to a lot of Lifehouse, before the inevitable "love you too much to do this" breakup and ensuing hookup spree). The GH screenwriters solve the dilemma just by, uh, killing him off.

March 26, 2007 10:12 AM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (7) | Read more: Admissions , Yale , YouTube

• Brown: Massive trade deficits [Herald]
  
• Columbia: The RIAA [Spec]
• Cornell: March Madness [Sun]
• Harvard: Terrorists, rules [Crimson]
  
• Penn: Racists with handcuffs [DP]

March 23, 2007 2:54 PM by RagTime | Link | Comments (2) | Read more: Brown , Columbia , Cornell , Harvard , Penn , RagTime

You may have noticed that our recent pictorial on the lives of the saints (standard fare really -- St. Valentine in sunglasses, St. Brandon in a wheat field, St. Francis with anal rosary beads) -- drew some outside attention. One Catholic who was offended conveniently makes his cyberdwelling at ivycatholic.blogspot.com. And, God love him, his blog -- For God, For Country and For Yale -- like St. Sebastian, will be punctured by the arrows of our BMOC critic's scrutiny. Or something. (That critic, btw, is Kathy Gilsinan.)

NonCatholics, I think, will find this blog just as offensive as Catholics find the photography. More offensive still, I think, because personally hurt will be liberal Catholics like myself. I fall into the school of so-called "cafeteria Catholics"; I admit that I choose what I like about the religion -- teachings that I don't find offensive or outdated or in place solely to perpetuate a benighted patriarchy -- then I pray the rosary and basically feel good about myself. And my relationship with conservative Catholics such as this blogger runs thus: I find it offensive to exclude gays from the community of believers, he finds it offensive to make saint-porn. Tomato, tomahto.

I'm not saying our altar boy should apologize for his beliefs. Perhaps, having had the misfortune to read IvyGate, he feels persecuted for the sake of righteousness. As a defensive end on the football team, he is certainly persecuted for the sake of Yale. (But check out his championship ring!!) And he is wounded, he reflects, by the "disasters modern society has wrought." What might these be? AIDS, modern warfare, rapacious capitalism? Not so much. He's more concerned with the evils of contraception and absolute gender equality. (Though the extent to which the latter has actually been "wrought" is debatable, anyone who feels particularly oppressed by progress in this direction can take refuge at the local parish.)

Another big deal, apparently, is naked artwork. He gets huffy in his posts on the "Theology of the Body", wherein he lauds chastity and contemplates the lies of feminism.

My problem with this blog is similar to my problem with much of the catechism: It asserts what's right, sometimes counterintuitively, and leaves off the work of persuasion. Or maybe it's just that I don't find him persuasive. Maybe it should be enough for me that he quotes Aquinas as saying that the reason women shouldn't be priests is because they are "in a state of subjection." Maybe I should nod submissively when he tells me that God asks "we do not do anything to artificially hinder or block ... sexual activity from reaching its natural end (no contraception)." Stephen confidently asserts that, well, "Jesus is the Truth," and I guess that's fine. But what does that even mean? And does some football player at Yale think he can tell me on blogspot?

There's no winning or even having an argument with faith like this. What kind of scholar refuses to ask why?

But then again, what kind of Catholic insists on it?

March 23, 2007 11:15 AM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (16) | Read more: Blog Man on Campus , Yale

When we asked our friend Andrew to write ivyTunes for us, he agreed on one condition: that after picking the best (those were Filligar, Vampire Weekend and The Main Drag, sort of), he'd get to do one final hatepost. It takes a lot of guts to submit your heartfelt music for public evaluation; naturally, we need to betray those hopes and dreams without further delay.

Hello. Did you miss me? No? The feeling is mutual.

In days of yore, ivyTunes was a fixture 'round these parts. "Bands" and "artists" from all across the Ivy League would eagerly send me their best music, and I would avoid listening to it for as long as humanly possible.

Yesterday, however, I received an email informing me that my "mailbox [was] over its size limit." Guess what was taking up all my server space, other than receipts for penis enlargement? That's right! Your MP3s. I decided to give them all one last listen before scrapping them forever. What follows is a list of the bands that most made me regret this decision.

Armageddon Monks: Cornell's Armageddon Monks believe in one thing above all else: how much they rock. Their MySpace page lists "Rock" as their primary genre, and describes Aamir Bashir's vocals as "modern rock." It goes on to claim that the band is "all about rock n roll" and that they "put on hard-rocking shows" for "fans of rock music, pure and simple." All in all, it says, Armageddon Monks manage to produce "enough rock to beat scissors AND paper." I'm not sure I agree. Sure, they shred on axes shaped like big V's and rely on agitated fonts that look as if each letter has weathered a post-apocalyptic maelstrom. And Bashir sings like someone who has become constipated after eating too many steroid quesadillas. But the laws of ro sham bo are inviolable, sirs, and if they were to change, it wouldn't be for the likes of you.

• Armageddon Monks [MySpace] 

Prospect 11: My theory about middle-of-the-road "modern rock" acts who choose to combine a meaningless word and a meaningless number when naming themselves is that, most of the time, the number tells you how good they are compared to other bands with similarly formatted names. Now, I know that Prospect 11 named themselves after a drinking game in which participants aim to chug a beer in each of Princeton's 11 stately eating clubs -- so the meaningless thing might be, like, a little harsh -- but I think my theory holds true for them as well. If my calculations are correct, Prospect 11 is 171 worse than Blink-182, 30 worse than Sum-41 and nine worse than Matchbox 20. Oh wait, nevermind. They're also worse than Stroke 9 and Eve 6. Sorry. English major. [Ed.: Bonus! Prospect 11 is the band these guys are in.]

• Prospect 11 - Jackie Ryan [MP3]
  
• Prospect 11 - July 1st [MP3]
• Prospect 11 - Please [MP3]

Travis Nelson: I'm sure that Travis Nelson is a nice person. I'm sure that his dog is very fond of him. Which is why I feel like criticizing "Label," a plaintive lament about a relationship gone wrong, is a bit unfair. On the other hand, Travis saw fit to submit his song to ivyTunes in the hope that I would share his heartbreak with the world, and criminals like him must be stopped. So if you're a dude with an acoustic guitar and a dream, please take note: arhythmically singing  "When I went to bed / I thought of your smile / And all of those times I spent with you / And I began to realize that the only time I'd see you now / Is if I look through my mind's eye" in a wheezy, tone-deaf voice over middle-school strumming makes the rest of us wish that your ex had broken something a little less metaphorical than your heart.

• Travis Nelson - Label [MP3]

Anton Glamb: People allegedly enjoy Anton Glamb's "music." How can you spot them? They're the folks who also enjoy growing mustaches and dressing up like aerobics instructors.

• Anton Glamb - Subway [MP3]
• Anton Glamb - Take It Slow [MP3]
• Anton Glamb - Take It Slow [YouTube]
  

Thus concludes my rampage. I will say, for the record, that I'm not really an evil person. I just play one on the blogs. And I suppose that after ripping on all of you, it's only fair to offer up my band, Normandy, for you to rip apart as you see fit. Feel free to listen to our EP at www.myspace.com/normandy and rake us over the coals in the comments; or, if your hatred is particularly unbridled, come to our show and berate us in person this Saturday at Union Docs in -- how typical -- Williamsburg.

• Normandy - Time I've Wasted [MP3]
• Normandy - Sweatshop [MP3]
• Normandy - Her Eyes Don't Water [MP3]
• Normandy - Kentucky Isolation [MP3]

Sincerely,

Andrew

March 22, 2007 3:11 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (8) | Read more: ivyTunes

What, exactly, is there left to say?

We didn't learn until yesterday about the Cornell student who, earlier this month, tortured a dog -- beat her, burned her with cigarettes, poured laundry detergent and bleach into her wounds. So we didn't know that all Ithaca was talking about Princess (pictured above) and Alexander Atkind, who is due to appear in court tomorrow. The Ithacan's College Ave. blog is on it, solidly, here; the local Journal's newsier take is here; a Cornell spokesperson calls the crime "abhorrent" here; and you might want to save yourself a step and just get your SPCA checkbook out before watching the video here. Elliott Back is basically delighted he gets to be a vigilante here. Bloggers in Boston, where Atkind is from, are up in arms and there's a lovely thread titled "Would You Pour Bleach Over Alex Atkind's Eyes?" here. You get the point.

How does Atkind feel about it? The remorse isn't exactly gushing, according to the Ithaca Journal:  

The officer noted in his report that Atkind acted “cocky and arrogant” and “made numerous comments that this incident meant nothing to him, that he would do it again, and that he knows how the criminal justice system works, and guaranteed me the prosecution of this case would result in an ACD in City Court.” The reference is to an “adjournment in contemplation of dismissal,” in which a judge typically tells a defendant to stay out of trouble for a period of time and the case will be dismissed.

Guess that rules out law school. All joking aside, this sort of puts into perspective the stuff we normally bust on students for doing. "Douchebag" has never felt so inadequate.

Continue reading "Cornell Student Charged With Torturing Dog" »

March 22, 2007 11:00 AM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (28) | Read more: Cornell , crime

In the future, everyone will be famous 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Fucking kill us.

If that's the future, Justin Kan is its questionable prophet. The recent Yale graduate, unchastened by the bust of his latest venture, Kiko.com, has come rarin' back with a DIY online reality show, Justin.tv. Theoretically, the idea is this: Kan straps a camera to his head, does cool stuff with his ragtag crew, you watch, he makes money. The idea is still fresh, despite earlier forays like the long-running JenniCam and the less successful DotComGuy, and the technology is ripe. They already sell t-shirts. There's even a futures market on how long the show will run. Whether Justin is going for cash, attention, or geek cred, we're guessing all three are within reach.

Of course, that has no bearing on whether the show is fun to watch. The main problem: it redefines meta -- a word that is increasingly becoming a synonym for "insufferable." A lot of the time, all Justin and his friends talk about is the show itself. Their first night was spent posting promotional stickers around San Fran. For Christ's sake, you watch Justin fielding phone calls from viewers who are simultaneously writing in the comments field. Watching it feels like the infinity effect you get when you train a live camera on its own TV.

Sure, it's fun to think about if you're Jean Baudrillard. Media, space, simulacra, identity -- think of the seminars! If Justin.tv isn't "hyperreality," what is? (And btw, we sincerely hope this means Prof. Charles Nesson gets his own TV show.) But after five minutes of actual viewing, you find yourself begging for mercy, care of Final Cut Pro's splice tool, or a gunshot to your monitor.

In his introductory interview, Justin talks about where he sees Justin.tv going: "Hundreds of employees, thousands of cameras, tens of thousands of shows, all run from our two-bedroom apartment in North Beach." God help us.

(h/t CrankCast)

March 21, 2007 2:44 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (6) | Read more: Yale

Who's the happiest team in college basketball right now? UNLV, thrilled to be the lowest seed still alive in March Madness? Ohio State, still giddy from their improbable last-second comeback against Xavier?

Not a chance. It is good to be a Princeton Tiger tonight, as coach Joe Scott will announce at 5 p.m. tomorrow that he's leaving the flaming wreckage of his program to take the top spot at Denver. What'd he accomplish while in town? As the Princetonian explained last week in a piece about widespread demands for his head on a pike:

Against Monmouth on Dec. 14, 2006 the Tigers scored just 21 points -- tying the Division I record low for a game since the inception of the three-point shot. Just two weeks later, Princeton fell to Carnegie Mellon, the first defeat at the hands of a Division III program in school history. And this season, Princeton did the unthinkable, falling to last in the Ivy League for the first time ever.

You may remember Scott from our January post about the teensy li'l issue of his players hating him so much they left the team -- eight of them over three years. (And you may have noticed we don't have any Princeton ads up in this piece anymore, butthat'sallwe'regonnasayaboutthat.) We have to admit, part of us is sad to see Scott go; we were hoping to dine out on him and Harvard's Tim Murphy as a kind of batshit coaching duet for years to come. Alas, alack, we'll have to find another clipboard-wielder to hate on. Goodnight, Joe Scott. You were too beautiful for this world.

(Princeton's on spring break right now, but we'll update with reactions when we get 'em.)

March 20, 2007 8:57 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (4) | Read more: Princeton , Sports , basketball

The last time we heard from Brown's Queer Alliance, they were promoting their fall SexPowerGod event with fliers slightly less titillating than an ear infection -- a far cry from their steamy work of yore. We're happy to report that the gang has regained its footing (Wow, we're reviewing pornography now. This site is in goooood shape) with the promo materials for last weekend's "Starf*ck" dance, which we lovingly supply for you, NSFWishly, after the jump. (Above: official logo, doctored to include central casting's Creepy Guy No. 0001.)

Sorry, don't go to Brown? SexPowerGod and Starf*ck, for the un-immunized, are the QA's thermonuclear orgy blowouts so powerfully debaucherous they rip space-time and inhibitions to pieces. Except when they don't. Starf*ck was cancelled last year when 24 students were Medevac'ed for booze ODs at SPG '05; this weekend, a paltry one required medical attention. Even the Herald is calling the party "tame."

Given that the sex parties appear to be dying (if we see one more quote about "liberated space" or "problematizing boundaries," we're getting a Winchester and shooting a brown bear), we're more fascinated than we want to be by these pics. It's not like they dug up the one or two kids on campus willing to get all vivid on camera; some 40 students showed up to an open casting call, according to the Herald -- although they also said the money shots would include "costumes and accessories," a prediction you can judge for yourself after the jump (NSFW!), so maybe we shouldn't trust every line of the story.

Continue reading "The Final Throes (And Not Even the Good Kind) of the Brown Queer Alliance" »

March 20, 2007 4:46 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (6) | Read more: Brown , Sex , nudity , sex power god

In case you hadn't noticed, Harvard is a fat target. People have been mocking that venerable institution as long as they've been attending it -- a sort of parallel tradition as storied as the school itself. And for the most part, they've done a fine job. (Notable exception: Stealing Harvard. Notable inclusion: How High?) But some contributions to the canon stand out. The best to cross our 'vard-dar in a while is this little ditty (from back when that was a word) by songwriter and satirist (from back when that was a vocation) Tom Lehrer '47.

If you didn't know it was a joke, you might call it the foppiest Harvard song of all time. Actually, we're not sure its being a joke makes any difference. The fact that Harvard people still have things called "teas" and "comps" and "final clubs" and "sherry hours" make his dandy affect as spot-on as ever. Anyway, without further ado:

Tom Lehrer - Fight Fiercely, Harvard [MP3] 

March 20, 2007 10:09 AM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (8) | Read more: Harvard

• 
• Brown: Measured in medical emergencies, Starf*ck was a lot less fun this year. [Herald]
  
• Columbia: Matt Sanchez wants to see Columbia producing more rear admirals. [Spec]
• Columbia: Columnist does not want to see deez nuts. [Spec]
• Cornell: Dragon Day: Easily the coolest thing that happens at Cornell. [Sun]
  
• Harvard: Indeed, sensationalism surrounding an event called the Dyke Ball must be the media's fault. [Crimson]
  
• Harvard: Campus split on whether it's for or against Mexicans. [Crimson]
• Penn: Dershowitz v. Finkelstein, Round 348,423,211 [DP]
  
• Princeton: Class day speaker and actor Bradley Whitford would probably rather be introduced as "of The West Wing" than "of Studio 60." [Prince]
• Princeton: Basketball coach Joe Scott has no friends. [Prince]
  
• Yale: There is “a group of renegade police officers run amok in New Haven.” Run for your lives. [YDN]

March 19, 2007 9:59 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Comment | Read more: Brown , Columbia , Cornell , Harvard , Penn , Princeton , RagTime , Yale

"Hey, what are you doing the weekend of May 5? Finals, huh? Well listen, a bunch of my buddies and I were gonna take that weekend to kick back, de-stress, you know, just hang out. Like, in nature. Where is it? Oh, it's just this resort I know. It's on a lake. Fishing, tennis, ping-pong, that sort of thing. Oh, and you can totally pack light..."

If you find yourself in a conversation like this in the next few weeks, take our advice and run.

It just so happens that Saturday, May 5 is New England Intercollegiate Nudist Day (NSFW). Imagine everything you'd do at summer camp -- swimming, tennis, ping-pong, air-hockey, boating, volleyball -- then add bare humanity, and you have a pretty good idea of what to expect. They've apparently invited "college nudists" from 23 schools, including Yale (natch), Brown (natcher), and Harvard (not natch at all). The price is right, too: only $10 for a full day at their 400-acre Woodstock, Conn., compound. (The fact that they normally give out 50% discounts to anyone under 40 is a pretty good indication of their regular clientele, not to mention mister's wrinkled ass above.)

Hosting the event is the Solair Recreation League (NSFW either), a misleadingly named group whose members, judging from a cautious glance at the photos on its web site, spend most of their time marinating in hot tubs, standing beneath waterfalls, or playing racquet sports in nothing but their Tevas.

So is the nudist retreat heir to the naked party? Doubtful. For one thing, there's no alcohol allowed. Call us skeptical, but we're pretty sure the only reason naked parties work is the abundance of booze. Without that social lubricant, you'd have kids getting evac'ed for hyperventilation. Then there's the fact that, as Seinfeld said, there's good naked and there's bad naked. Instead of the low mood lighting of a college dorm, you've got the harsh, unforgiving rays of day. Add the volleyball factor and you're likely to witness things you can't unsee. (That said, we'll gladly print any dispatches the brave few are willing to share.)

March 19, 2007 1:21 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (13) | Read more: naked parties , nudity

When we got wind of this item, we knew right away that like Young Simba, we weren't up to the task. So we called in an expert: bona fide girl Anna Lindow, Columbia '08.

As if the triumphant return of Hansonbop wasn't enough, more '90s tween idols lurk in the darkness of the Ivy League. Specifically: after a recent stint at Harvard, a wizened incarnation of Jonathan Taylor Thomas has been found roaming Barnard's campus at Columbia. The former hottie/star of such classics as "Man of The House" (the one featuring Chevy Chase/inappropriate Native American references) and "The Lion King," JTT is now a rheumatic 26 years old, and he seems to have dropped his stage name. Passing by Barnard Hall on a Monday or Wednesday afternoon, you may catch a glimpse of "Jonathan Taylor Weiss," or, as we like to call him, The Ghost of Home Improvements Past.

If, like me, you thought Randy Taylor's mushroom cut was the pinnacle of prepubescent eroticism (sigh), used back issues of Tiger Beat as locker wallpaper (you're not alone), and are still waiting for him to write back to your nine-page mash notes -- there's still hope! Apparently everyone's favorite flannel-shirt-wearing troublemaker never learned the wonders of the internet and has failed to remove himself from Columbia's public directory. Or maybe he simply didn't do the math -- us Tiger Beat diehards are now just about the age to be in college. At Columbia. Stalking Tom Sawyer -- I mean, Jonathan Taylor Weiss. Send e-fanmail to jtw2112@columbia.edu.

March 19, 2007 10:06 AM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (15) | Read more: Columbia , celebrities , gawker

Gosh, these exams sure are hard! Feels like time for a break, no? We'll be back to the usual next week, but for now it's time to recharge batteries, do laundry, bathe, all that good stuff.

But first, a plea: What happens on spring break absolutely must not stay on spring break. We want stories, photos, video, anything. You can find us at the usual. If it means we turn into College Humor for a week, so be it.

Off with you now! May your back tan evenly, may your carefully-compiled reading list go neglected, may your funnel never run dry.

March 11, 2007 11:02 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (18) | Read more: IvyGate , spring break

Admit it: You spent all of sixth grade crouched next to the boom box with "MMMBop" on repeat, getting up only for meals and the occasional bathroom break, during which you transferred the CD to your Taylor Hanson sticker-covered Discman. ...

Anyone? Just us? OK then.

When we heard Hanson had made a pit stop in New Haven for a Master's Tea last week, we pictured three little squirts rollerblading around in plaid shirts and jeans. But then we saw photos of the event, and couldn't believe it: Who are these people and what did they do with Hanson?

Yale security must have had the same question, but, instead of asking for a lock of flaxen hair for DNA testing, demanded that they sing "MMMBop" to prove their identities. The evidence, below:

March 9, 2007 6:56 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (6) | Read more: Yale , gawker , music

• 
• Brown: Prof. totally screwed if he goes back to Iran. [Herald]
  
• Columbia: Jack Kerouac outed as conservative; entire English department walks into Hudson river, stones in pockets. [Spec]
  
• Cornell: Embarrassing Cornellians, Part I: Ann Coulter, '84 [Sun]
• Cornell: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs. Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: Discuss. [Sun]
  
• Harvard: Student shoved out of first-floor window, KGB-style. [Crimson]
• Princeton: Eating club seeks tax exemption. Something tells us they can afford it. [Prince]
  
• Yale: You say well-meaning admissions blog, we say shameless propaganda. [YDN]
  

March 9, 2007 5:43 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Comment | Read more: Brown , Columbia , Cornell , Harvard , Princeton , RagTime , Yale

(Photo by Daily Princetonian) 

New Princeton correspondent Maureen O'Connor '08 o'checks in with news of a Bizarro World inversion of abortion debate tactics:

Sensationally terrifying abortion-related imagery usually falls in the territory of the religious right, leaving lefty pro-choicers nothing but a few boring words from that total snooze of an 18th-century document, the Bill of Rights. But this week, Princeton's Pro-Choice Vox is doing its best to reverse the insane-vs.-boring binary of the reproductive rights debate, with a shot of S&M straight to the heart of Old Nassau. To protest the "Global Gag Rule" (that total snooze of a recently reinstated foreign policy), Vox chained a bound, gagged, lingerie-wearing blow-up doll to a metal chair and planted her in front of the Frist Campus Center. No word as to whether the doll has yet been violated (I'm crossing my fingers for one of the strangely turgid stuffed tiger tails sold at the gift shop), but the display's proximity to the Street suggests a dangerous level of sexually explicit prank potential for the weekend.

A neon pink sign explains Vox's angle: "You think this is dirty? Learn about the Global Gag Rule," followed by an invitation to visit the organization's information table in the campus center. There, Vox distributes baggies loaded with strawberry-flavored condoms, candy, and assorted Gag Rule info.

But sexually liberated baby-killing Princetonians beware! Best Student at Princeton™ Lester Mackey '07 (seriously -- he just won the Pyne Honor Prize, "the highest general distinction conferred on an undergraduate") is not amused, and has taken his battle to ... the Facebook.  "Students Taking On Public Pornography at Princeton (STOPPP)" has raised an army of 30 highly decent, plastic-orifice-hating students to protest the "sadomasochistic display." From the discussion board, regarding the prospect of nabbing Vox on an obscenity law violation:

[T]he photo on the front page of The Daily Princetonian shows the display to be "acceptably" clothed, though I and a number of people that I've talked to found the display topless. I suppose it would be difficult to prove which is the intended pose and level of dress of the display.

If the group's whopping two wall posts are any indication, STOPPP is unlikely to stop anything before Vox packs up the doll and moves on to a less titillating project next week.

March 9, 2007 11:15 AM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (2) | Read more: Princeton

Pop quiz: Which of the following Yalies actually exist?

1. Michael Laudor, schizophrenic wife-stabbing lawyer

2. Dr. Susan Block, perv queen who lures virginal a cappella singers into her sex castle and later sells the DVD

3. Aleksey Vayner, massage therapist

4. George Something, alcoholic warmonger, kind of let New Orleans go to shit

Answer: all of them, obviously. The alumni of Yale University may be one of the most utterly absurd groups of human beings in existence. We know of Yalies who have (really) survived warzones, charged Iraqi checkpoints, screwed celebrities ... this is not a dull group of people.

Which makes you wonder why Yale even needs fictional alumni. This month's Yale Alumni Magazine has compiled an exhaustive quiz to test your knowledge of the characters who attended Yale in books, movies, or on TV. The West Wing, The Simpsons, American Psycho, Doonesbury -- all have contributed fodder to the Yale public image machine. The fact that the quiz can even exist is kind of disturbing; it shows that even if you ignore the Eli-infested fields of politics and journalism altogether, you still can't avoid people who went to school "in New Haven." But perhaps more disturbing than the quiz itself is the number of questions we -- and, if we had to guess, most YAM readers -- got right. 

March 8, 2007 4:40 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (17) | Read more: Yale

Shocking news out of Hanover yesterday, as the "Phrygian" secret society is outed on the front page of The Dartmouth. Names! Photos! Internal memoranda! In a reporter's wet dream of a news story ("according to documents obtained" ... "shell corporation" ... "sources close to the society" ... "declined to confirm or deny" ... "vowed that he would work to ensure that The Dartmouth, its editor-in-chief and this reporter are punished"), William Schpero '10 tells all, and it's every bit as juicy as you dare to dream: an all-male group of politically conservative seniors meeting clandestinely to pursue calligraphy, the "Lone Pine Revolution" and support Stephen Smith '88 in the upcoming trustee election. Extra, extra!

Naturally, our first, startled reaction was: Dartmouth has secret societies?

Our Hanover bureau chief IMed the basics. Dartmouth has two major, all-male secret societies -- Dragon and Sphinx -- plus a third, Gryphon, that's co-ed. Then there are "a whole slew that are uber-lame," below which, presumably, Phrygian ranks. "Newer=lamer," we are told. Looking into this further seems laborious, and y'all can Wikipedia as well as we can.

All we care about is fallout on campus -- or the lack thereof. Secret societies (usually, that is, their memberships) are actually outed all the time, and it's only the people currently inside them who freak out. Not group alumni, not incoming taps, not the student body at large beyond the second day. And as satisfying as it must be for an outsider to puncture the secrety types' sanctum, you have to realize you're playing right into their hands. Publicly, they're outraged; privately, they are intensely, quiveringly thrilled that the world is paying attention to their little club. So, props, Schpero, enjoy your scoop. And don't worry about it hurting your chances of getting tapped in two years -- nobody will remember.

(Also: We found this great piece of satire on a Counter-Secret-Society Society while googling. Enjoy.) 

March 8, 2007 9:47 AM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (14) | Read more: Dartmouth , Secret Societies

Arrests on charges of felony assault have finally been made in the New Year's Eve beatdown of a Yale a cappella group, but as per usual with this case, it only means there are more things that completely effing baffle us.

• First: it's been more than two months since the one-sided brawl. Given the many witness accounts and photo evidence of gruesome (though arousing) injuries, and the eye-rolling attention given the incident by FOX News -- they wanted to believe the kids were targeted for singing the national anthem -- that seems like an awful long time to fill out a warrant.
• Second: only local fortunate son Richard Aicardi (pictured, w/ bouffant; he's the one who apparently called in backup, announcing to his prey "This is the 415" and "I'm 20 deep, my boys are coming") and a second kid, one Brian Dwyer, have been charged, despite this being a group assault.
• Third: the charges only relate to injuries suffered by freshman Yalies William Bailey and Evan Gogel -- and not Sharyar Aziz, whose jaw was straight demolished.
• Fourth: Dick Aicardi is claiming he was acting in self defense.
• Fifth: the morass of fuckups listed in this San Francisco Chronicle column, including inexplicable confessions and botched witness identifications
  

Etc, etc. A cappella kids getting beat up: thank God there is the natural logic of that to fall back on.

March 7, 2007 6:30 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (4) | Read more: Yale ,