Honestly, we would love to ridicule this Stanford Business School effort at comedy, but we just can't. A sublime Wedding Crashers parody, it's genuinely funny. Chuckle at the topical yet universally accessible Palo Alto references. Nod as HBS and Wharton ("Hava Nagila...") are lampooned. Thrill to the production values (there's a helicopter!)! Take comfort that a known Ivyer (Vanessa Stanley-Miller, Columbia '00) plays the vixen in the sequel, after the jump. Marvel at the -- alright, whatever, just watch:

Continue reading ""You Know How They Say We Only Use 10 Percent of Our Brains? I Say We Only Use 10 Percent of Excel Functionality"" »

July 31, 2006 11:11 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Read more: Columbia , Harvard , Penn , Stanford , YouTube , business school

Oh, wow. While anxiously and one-handedly Googling stuff like "ivy league blog," hoping to see our yearling site turn up in the results, we came across IvyLeagueBlog.com. Title: "Poverty Sucks"; subtitle: "A blog for the unashamed." Here's the charming first post:

You are fortunate enough to have stumbled across IvyLeagueBlog.com, a blog like no other. 

It is for those who can sympathize with or are interested in people like myself who lead a better quality of life.  It is not an apologist blog, and maybe not for those who cannot understand the need (and can afford) to buy a $4,000 Italian suit for OCI's (On campus interviews for those not in the know).

This site it what it is ladies and gentlemen.  If you despise this way of life...well...poverty sucks, doesn't it?

Followup items include "Heading to the Hamps" (doesn't this guy know the cool kids call it H-town now?) and a recap of an impromptu trip to the Oscars. Mercifully, the blog then died, as so many do, but not before one "Marc" added this comment:

Any Yale grads besides me? Ivy League is everything - before I went Ivy I was a financial analyst with J&J. Know what that gets you? $40,000 and a Taurus.

An Ivy education not only pays well, but its the ultimate aphrodisiac - I can go into any club, drop the Y-bomb, and go home with whatever gorgeous kitten I desire. Whats not to like?

Shout out to my brother Sig Delts!

Blogging about the Ivies sure puts us in some gooood company, don't it? From now on, every reader gets issued a handgun, so we can be sure we'll be shot and killed if we ever inch close to that kind of repellence.

July 31, 2006 10:36 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Read more:

The Ivy League: Eight of the most prestigious universities on the planet. Corridor of truth, juggernaut of research. Where the best young minds are forged. Tradition. Privilege. Veritas.

Et cetera, et cetera. So why, then, is this [NSFW] the first result when you do a Google Image search on Ivy League? 

July 31, 2006 9:30 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (1) | Read more:

You know why everyone hates Harvard kids? Because they buy entire newspapers at 25 with trust fund money, the sick, too-handsome, pluto-chieving pricks!

Sorry, that's not being entirely fair to Jared Kushner, Harvard '03, new majority owner of the New York Observer. According to the Times,

"Mr. Kushner said that the money he was investing was his own, earned while he was an undergraduate at Harvard. In between cramming for finals, he bought and sold nine residential buildings in Cambridge, Mass., with backing from a number of investors, including family members."

Emphasis ours, clearly. During finals? Holy shit, the best thing we ever did during exam week was beat Super Mario World on a sweet emulator for the Mac. Getting really good on Text Twist is probably runner-up. [Ed.: Actually, half of us got a BJ in the stacks the night after finally turning in the last term paper of the semester, which was totally aweso--FUCK! We don't own a Manhattan newspaper!]

Sorry, back to our seething Kushner jealousy. We wish you the best, pal. The Observer is a terrific rag, and you seem to know what you don't know. Keep an eye out for our resume come hiring time, you precocious publishing-magnate-in-diapers handjob, you.

July 31, 2006 9:10 AM by Nick Summers | Link | Read more: media , real estate

It gets tiring to hear people talk about the declining beauty standards at your school as "[name of school] goggles." Because of course the first thing you do is to log onto Facebook and compare the Jason Browns and Samantha Millers from your school to the Jason Browns and Samantha Millers of the entire United States. And unless you go to Vanderbilt, with its affirmative action for Latvian models, chances are your school comes out looking pretty homely.

As if we needed any further confirmation, The Hill newspaper has just published the 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill. How many of these 50 knockouts attended an Ivy? We'll give you a hint: it's the only outcome more pathetic than zero. That's right, one. Meet the only guy in D.C. with the looks to match the diploma:

Sam Arora, press aide, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's (D-N.Y.) reelection campaign

Sam Arora, who bears an uncanny resemblance to actor Ben Stiller, was born in New York City and raised in the Maryland suburbs of Washington.

He graduated cum laude from Columbia University with a bachelor's degree in political science. He had intended to major in theater but changed plans after studying politics for a year at Oxford University.

Arora's career in politics began on Capitol Hill as an intern and later as a staff assistant for Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) in 1999. While he was in college, he interned for Hillary2000 and worked in the New York senator's D.C. office in 2001 and 2002. He worked in the Democratic National Committee's political department in from 2003 to 2004 and has been back in Clinton's campaign office since 2005.

Just wait for Capitol Hill's 50 Best Personalities. Until then, Sam's all we got.

July 29, 2006 11:13 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (1) | Read more: Hotness , Washington, D.C.

One of the worst things a non-tenured professor can do is start a blog. At best, he will earn the bemused pity of his students. At worst, it will ruin his career.

Seriously, though--Lessig is currently "off the grid," but his blog archives are well worth checking out. His post categories include "good law" (free speech, free music, "Free Culture"), "bad law" (Internet regulations, piracy crackdowns, antiquated patent systems), and, bless his heart, "just plain silly." If you want a primer on the issues that will shape the media in the coming decades, but law school isn't your bag, then read this blog. 

The guy clearly loves the exchange of ideas, and the potential of blogs to facilitate discourse gets his blood pumping. He even created an Anti-Lessig Wiki for people who disagree with him (notice it's empty). But the rise of blogs and amateur journalists is not 100% good news, he writes. The problem "is not bloggers tempted by ad revenues. It is instead the emergence of the equivalent of tabloids in blog-space: commercial entities whose sole purpose is to generate ad revenue, who do that by being as ridiculous and extreme as possible." Larry, please. We do this because we love it.

July 28, 2006 9:28 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Read more: blogs

Assuming this kid really did get rejected from Cornell, it's a shame. The people of Ithaca have nothing but humor to keep them warm, and Jamal (his name, according to the comments) clearly drops some at the 62-second mark.

Maybe if he'd written his essay on slow motion barbecue fight dancing?

THE CORNELL REJECT [YouTube]

July 28, 2006 7:39 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Read more:

A favorite Washington Post columnist of ours once noted in an online chat that there exists a certain alternate spelling of the word "come"; that it often appears in erotic fiction; and that there appears to be absolutely no limit to how many M's can be used in its construction.

Seriously, try it: Google "I'm cummmming!", then "I'm cummmmming!", etc, adding one more M each time. You simply will get search results. Even when you think you've hit the upper limit, fear not--add a few more, and we guarantee, you'll find someone narrating his or her orgasm.

At this point you're probably A) aroused, B) unnerved, and C) wondering what the fuck this has to do with the Ivy League. Here it is: the same principle applies to the phrase "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" at CollegeConfidential.com's infamously neurotic message boards, where fingernail-gnawing high schoolers fret in public about every single detail of the admissions process. We got up to 39 A's (no kidding) before getting bored. Let us know in the comments if you can beat the high score.

College Admissions [CollegeConfidential]

July 28, 2006 3:18 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (1) | Read more:

After slumming it up with flipping through a back issue of UVA's alumni mag recently, we noted that it carried a few letters unlikely to appear in the Yale Alumni Magazine, an assertion we pulled halfway out of our ass. It got us thinking--what kind of letters do run in the nation's oldest alumni publication? Are they really that different?

I am upset to read about the fate of "Geronimo's" skull in Notebook (May/June). Whether or not it belongs to Geronimo, its continued presence demonstrates arrogance and insensitivity on the part of Skull and Bones toward other human beings, especially Native Americans.

By keeping this skull and other bones in their possession, Skull and Bones continues to venerate the original act of desecration by Prescott Bush and his friends. In 1983, I was given a short tour of the society. At that time, the skull was locked in a safe along with some other longish bones. There were also two or three smaller skulls on tables in the library, perhaps the plunder of other graves. How would Bonesmen feel today if a fraternity plundered Prescott Bush's grave and kept his skull as a trophy for the next 90 years?

I suspect Mr. Bush and Mr. Davison never offered the Apache representative, Ned Anderson, what they believed to be Geronimo's skull. According to the article, he was shown only the skull of a ten-year-old. The skull that was identified to me in 1983 as Geronimo's belonged to an adult. Mr. Anderson, moreover, was never shown any femur bones. It is possible one of the smaller skulls sitting in the library was substituted.

The return of "Geronimo's" skull and the other remains in Skull and Bones to the communities from where they came is long overdue. As the society has the chance to reflect on its past and present actions, I hope it will do so.

Stuart D. Sears '83
Westport, MA

Fuck yeah secret societies!!! That's what I'm talking about in an alumni periodical!

Do The Right Thing [Yale Alumni Magazine]

July 27, 2006 11:12 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Read more: UVA , alumni magazines , outsiders

While the rest of the Ivy summer diaspora shuffles papers on Capitol Hill or blows grant money shooting documentaries (read: freebasing guano) in Laos, our Dartmouth friends are stuck in Hanover, reliving the summer after tenth grade. It’s Camp Dartmouth, when sophomores stay on campus to take classes like “engines 3” and “Exploring the Universe.” 

The Dartmouth has a special section out for the festivities called...“Summer Lovin’.” Presumably the freshman-year seed-scattering rituals are over, and now it’s time to find a spouse while you’re both still carefree and nubile. (Rumor has it that 60 percent of Dartmouth students marry other Dartmouth students. Creepy, agreed.) So what do they give you? A bunch of weak attempts to debunk the claim that Hanover, N.H., is “where romance comes to die.”

It’s pretty clear these columnists are pedaling against the wind. “Let it suffice to say that, while I may not currently be in a relationship at Dartmouth (don't waste your pity, I'm allergic), they do exist,” writes one student. The articles find an easy scapegoat for the love shortage: alcohol. C’mon people. Don’t fault booze for your crappy love life. Only the unskilled carpenter blames his tools.

But the Drinking Alone Award goes to Daniel Belkin, the columnist who claims that not only are Dartmouth campers failing to romance each other, they can’t even make new friends. Is Hanover really such a year-round parade of sorrow? Send us cheery thoughts about Dartmouth – we know it’s hard, just try – and we’ll publish our best responses to cheer the rest of you up. 

July 27, 2006 1:05 AM by Chris Beam | Link | Read more:

Um, is there a Yalie taking a huge rip off a hookah on the front page of yaledailynews.com right now? Granted, it could be shisha in there, but that furtive sidelong glance is telling us otherwise.

July 26, 2006 9:39 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (1) | Read more: Facebook

May 21, Massachusetts Row, 1:08 a.m.
Police responded to a reported fight at Thayer Dining Hall. Upon investigation, the police discovered that two male students had been wrestling over a grilled cheese sandwich. Neither party was intoxicated or arrested.

July 26, 2006 8:41 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (1) | Read more:

While flipping through a discarded UVA alumni magazine at the gym [Ed.: They're letting Wahoos into Park Slope now?], we came across this charming letter to the editor:

It would seem there is a disturbing trend of pro-gay advocacy in Alumni News. In the class notes section, which I always look forward to reading, I was disturbed to read a proud “new parents” announcement of a girl to a pair of men.

Some on your editorial staff may think that this is progressive, politically correct and reflective of changing attitudes toward the family and marriage. To me, it is an insult to the core of society: the family. In the sad wake of the sexual revolution, there is already tons of data by sociologists that children raised in a home with a mother and father with whom they have a biological connection are the most stable, and less likely to fall into adolescent delinquency, substance abuse, teenage sex, etc. If the aim of the University is to serve society, then we need to foster an environment that helps strong citizens to grow and develop, and not just benchmark the steps taken by different persons as if any choice is equivalent.

I ask you if it is reasonable to endorse with normalcy the actions of a fringe of people that affect the foundations of society.

Barbara Ellen Spencer (Col ‘83)
New Delhi, India

Yes, yes, this could just be the regressive ramblings of one cranky alum. Except the previous letter happens to be from someone disputing the Big Bang theory on the grounds that it sounds too crazy. Looking good, UVA. Lookin' good.

July 26, 2006 8:19 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Read more: Non-Ivy , UVA , alumni magazines , gay

One of our goals at IvyGate is to dispel the misconception that the Ivy League is a monolithic group of assholes. In reality there are eight very specific kinds of assholes in our little club, and cataloguing their subtle variations will be our service to you. Just as, in the woods, you run from a Kodiak bear but stand still for a grizzly, knowing these species inside and out is key to surviving any Ivy-wide cocktail party.

Remember, they're as afraid of you as you are of working in the public sector.

Brown
Hippy, or anarchist, depending. The Ivy for slackers; no requirements, no shampoo. Dude, do you guys have any chips? Inexplicably high pop culture rating. Drinks: ethanol Kool-Aid. Darkest secret: Wasn’t sure at first if Brown was an Ivy. Should have gone here: Otto the bus driver.

Columbia
Self-loathing hipster. Too many cigarettes to smoke, too much black to wear to care about anything. Did we mention we’re In The City Of New York? (Also known as Yale’s Waitlist.) Drinks: vodka soda; doesn’t like it. Darkest secret: Hasn’t gone below 108th St. in six weeks. Should have gone here: Courtney Love.

Cornell
Pesky tow-headed cousin character introduced late to the sitcom. Nouveau riche, and desperately wishing he could hide his hick ag-school accent. Drinks: Molson. Darkest secret: Actually obtaining an education. Should have gone here: Marge Gunderson.

Dartmouth
Has gone crazy talking to itself in the wilderness of Hanover. Old, tiny, and furious. White (ahem) hot, even. The Ivy League’s hairy palm. Drinks: Gin. Darkest secret: Wonders what life would be like in sunny Evanston. Should have gone here: Christopher Hitchens.

Harvard
Preternaturally talented, good-looking, or wealthy--but never more than one of the three. Upon meeting you, displays initial status discomfort (will tell you she goes to school "in Boston") but slowly gives way to dependence. Drinks: Brandy, hates self for it. Darkest secret: Next stay at McLean’s is free! Should have gone here: You, if only it wasn't for those 1200 loser nerd fucks.

Penn
Big, dumb and sweet, Penn just wanted to pet the pretty rabbits. Really good at finance, though! You know, like an idiot savant. Drinks: Beast, at Philadelphia's finest BYO restaurants. Darkest secret: Tic Tac testicles. Should have gone here: Gary Busey.

Princeton
Sports tweed jackets. Likes sports. Uses "sport" as every part of speech. Would hunt quail if he had the stamina to carry a gun. Drinks: Whiskey, neat. Darkest secret: Kind of thinks it would be okay to let the Goldbergs join the country club. Should have gone here: Anyone with four names.

Yale
Life is an argument, and Yale will win it. Not as arrogant as Harvard (barely), not as pretentious as Princeton (barely), Elis are like Goldilocks's third bowl of oatmeal: white and bland. Also consider Patrick Bateman's "That whole Yale thing" definition: "A closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine." Drinks: $5 Red Stripes, but the atmosphere at Toad's is totally worth it, don't you think? Darkest secret: Crimson really is a nice shade, isn't it? Should have gone here: Tucker Carlson.

July 26, 2006 7:38 PM by Nick Summers | Link | Comments (10) | Read more:

There's a little game we invented during a long road trip called "Things About." The gist is that you name a person/place/thing/abstract principle/whatever, and then -- hold on, it gets complicated -- go around in a circle saying Things About it. Say you start with "Dumpsters." The first person might note, "Some are green." Another person could volunteer that they make good cushioning for window jumpers. "You capitalize the D, technically" is a superior entry. And so on and so on, until you seriously can't think of a single thing to say about Dumpsters. A solid game lasts a minimum of two hours, easy. Idle, but hypercompetitive; gimlet-eyed, uselessly informed, plus that whole mindless-circle thing -- it reeks of all of us.

IvyGate is kind of like one big game of "Things About ... the Ivy League." But unlike such exhaustible subjects as "pavement" ("It's hard") and "the Atlantic Ocean," we strongly believe that there is an infinite number of things to say about the Ancient Eight. Few institutions are the object of more obsession and derision, mockery and respect, than this little group of schools. For whatever reason (call it entitlement -- plus the siren song of Google AdSense), we think we have something to say about these schools and the people inside them.

For now, that's all we're going to tell you. But if you really care, or just want to tell us how much you don't, email us at ivygate@gmail.com.

July 24, 2006 11:54 PM by Chris Beam | Link | Comments (2) | Read more: