Providence Police Try To Yank Brown’s Point-Blank Wanker

Brown students are all about sexual freedom, but sometimes it goes too far. Like when it’s happening outside their windows.

A “jerking Tom” has been capering around, wanking in yards among houses around Brown’s campus — prompting outrage, concern, and a few laughs. More than a few laughs. A lot of laughs. Heartwarmingly, there has also been sympathy. One junior who spoke to the Brown Daily Herald said she at first felt sorry that “he has no outlet for this sort of desire” — though it wasn’t too late before that sentiment turned to anger.

Indeed most people seem to be taking it a bit hard, which is a reasonable reaction. We at IvyGate are loathe to take things too seriously, but this is right at the line between harmless and actually serious. And the fact that he has gotten “within a foot and a half” of peoples’ windows is pretty unsettling.

Reason for relief: The ProPo are on the case, and searching for leads. At the same time, however, they face a fearsome foe of a fapper. Lt. John Ryan told the Daily Herald that the man “has been arrested about 22 times, which could be the reason he is now so good at evading capture.” If there’s anything scarier than a naked man running around masturbating, it’s a naked man running around masturbating well.

Brown Student Radio Gets Lawyered Off the Airwaves By Private School

Point: Brown is a thriving hippie commune, where cool is uncool (and vice versa) and alty-proggy musical mish-mosh takes the day.

Counterpoint: Absolutely not! Who peddles these stereotypes? (Certainly not us here at IvyGate.) The student body can be astonishingly, even disappointingly normal. Just look at all those Brown students diligently studying economics with the intention of going into banking or consulting (albeit with some shame).

As it turns out, both sides seem kind of hopeless, as evinced by a recent debacle in which Brunonians were outmaneuvered by the managers of a day school — thus damaging the stature of an independent, student-run radio station (a hipster’s platonic ideal) and making Brown kids look like bungling negotiators in the process.

Here’s the story: Brown Student Radio was leasing its radio signal from The Wheeler School, a private academy (N-12) that practically sits on Brown’s campus. A menagerie of modern glass and steelwork attached to old fashioned red-brick buildings, the school would blend perfectly into Brown’s campus if it weren’t so well maintained.

As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough that Brown students had to rent their signal from a secondary school, consider the fact that the administrators from said institution effectively lawyered the hell out of BSR just the other week. Wheeler administrators apparently “‘slipped in a clause’ that allowed them to terminate [the] lease only 15 days in advance” according to the Brown Daily Herald. They slipped it in, and then they used it. BSR concluded 14 years of analog broadcasting on August 1st, when Wheeler abruptly terminated the lease. Read the rest of this entry »

Cornell Student Attacked; Racial Motive Suspected/Pretty Bloody Obvious

UPDATE (June 15th): In what is now old news, the perpetrator has been captured. His name is Viktor P. Nikulin, which is exactly the kind of name we expected him to have. He sounds like one of those “militiamen” who sits on a lawn chair at the border with a walkie-talkie and a gun, shouting racial epithets at anyone passing through the desert on the other side.

For more information, check out the Cornell Sun’s article here.

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We Ivy Leaguers like to have a go at each other occasionally. Alright, a lot. But 90 percent of the time, we’re actually friends … half the time. And when one part of the body is hurting, mama grizzlies attack, or however the saying goes.

Basically, when you mess with one of us, you’re really messing with all of us.

On the 5th of June, while most of us were lounging around pretending like we “chose” to not do internships this summer so that we could “work” on that “novel”, a Cornell University student (whose name has not been released) was getting hated on. Literally. The student, of Asian descent, was attacked after having ethnic slurs shouted at him. So the conclusion seems obvious: he was racially assaulted.

Details, courtesy of the Ithaca Journal:

An Asian male reported that he was riding his bicycle along College Avenue near the intersection with Campus Road when four individuals in a silver or white sedan yelled racial epithets at him, according to the university’s police. The sedan then followed the man, still on his bicycle, onto West Avenue where he dismounted from the bike. The vehicle stopped and two white men approached the cyclist, and one assaulted him.

The men got back into the sedan, fleeing northbound on West Avenue. Both witnesses and the complainant described the assailant as a shirtless white male who wore yellow basketball shorts. The driver of the sedan was described as a white female in a black dress and sunglasses. The fourth passenger was described only as a white male.

Straightforward–or it least it should be. The CoPo have asked the Tompkins County District Attorney’s Office if this act can be considered a hate crime. Our legal team here at IvyGate deliberated over this one for a while, coming up with the following conclusion: No shit, of course it is. Read the rest of this entry »

Yale Professor: “Messiah, Thy Name is Winfrey”

Everybody knows that Oprah commands an army of undersexed, middle-class housewives who inscribe her every word in stone and believe her book-club selections to be divine revelation. It’s more obvious than Emma Watson must have been when she tried to pass for a “normal student.” But it’s still not as if the lady is God, right? WRONG.

Turning obvious, milquetoast observations (“People like Oprah”) into absurd, bald-faced, hyperbolic dissertations is something of an academic tradition. So, just leave it to an Ivy League professor to write an entire book proving that Oprah is the Truth (with a capital T) in all the ways “A Million Little Pieces” was not.

The book in question, “Oprah: The Gospel of an Icon,” is the first from Kathryn Lofton, assistant professor of American Studies and Religious Studies at Yale. (Ah, Yalies’ tuition money at work.) Lofton calls Oprah’s message the “Gospel of You,” and says that she “utilizes the same rhythmic speech patterns used by southern preachers and employs a sermon-like structure for each show”. Which really makes a person wonder about Oprah–Is she trying to start a religion? These guys certainly think so. And so does Wikipedia. (We take research seriously here at IvyGate).

In fact, Lofton herself seems to be under Oprah’s spiritual sway:

Lofton claims to have studied the transcripts for nearly every episode of Winfrey’s show for the last 12 years — over 1,560 of them — as well as 105 issues of O magazine, 17 issues of O at Home, 68 books from Oprah’s Book Club and 52 Spirit Newsletters.

That’s some meticulous exegesis that could only have been undertaken by a very devoted follower. Assuming that going through that much Winfrey hasn’t made the lady crazy, Lofton is already at work on her next book, about sexuality in 20th century fundamentalist Protestantism — a topic far more likely to reward you with intimations of fiery damnation than with shiny new cars.

Princeton Student Government Enforces Imaginary Rule With Iron Fist

Political controversy erupted at Princeton when someone forgot to turn in a form on time.

Incumbent Class of 2012 Social Chair Aparajita Das (pictured right) was disqualified from running this year because she submitted her candidate statement after the 5pm deadline. In addition, she failed to attend “candidate open houses” and “scheduled election manager office hours”.

The USG could deal with the missed meetings, but the late submission of a form offended their sense of bureaucratic integrity. While a late candidate statement used to just get one slapped with a 5-point penalty, it is now, under the regime of USG President Michael Yaroshevsky ’12, completely, totally, VERBOTEN.

We understand—rules are rules. And despite the multitude of cries to let Das run, they have to be adhered to. Reasonable—except for the fact that the new penalty came into effect last week and was not explicitly communicated to the candidates at all.

[Class of 2012 president Lindy] Li and several other class officers explained that they were disappointed in the conduct of the USG throughout the candidacy process.

“Not only were we not fully informed of this substantial election policy change, class government also had no say in the legislation process, since we are not voting members of the Senate,” Li said. “Indeed, [USG president Michael Yaroshefsky ’12] has always highlighted the sharp distinction between our two bodies. Technically speaking, class government and the USG are two separate entities. Why should we then have no say when it comes to shaping policies that affect us?”

One still has to wonder why Das turned the form in late in the first place (didn’t she have her old ones saved on her computer anyways?). The 5pm deadline was not new. Did she just not care about the rules?

A cursory glance at the comments on the Daily Princetonian article on the controversy makes it abundantly clear that few Princetonians do care — about this technicality, or about Yaroshevsky. In summation: The guy tells everyone to stop hurting his feelings and to take a chill pill, just as the mob rips him to pieces with well-constructed arguments and cheerleading for PJ Das.

Since there has been some friction between USG and the class governments in the past, to many this seems like just another move by Yaroshevsky to keep the class governments in control, before he tells the clones to attack the Jedi and establishes himself Emperor. At least Darth Tulio Alvarez Burgos ’12, now running uncontested for social chair, is on his side. Anyone setting a reality television show at Princeton might as well just focus on student government.

USG offered Das the chance to appeal if she obtained 3 signatures from USG Senators. She did, and the appeal will take place tonight. Said Yaroshevsky: “I am happy we will be hearing the appeal…It demonstrates that our elections process is working.” Buddy, I am pretty sure if you have a candidate disqualified due to communication problems and people widely making a fuss over it, something is not working.

We at IvyGate are more than a little miffed as we type up all of these student election stories. Can Ivy League students not hold elections smoothly? Cannot they not run their governments without creating petty squabbles? These people are future Congressmen and Senators, for God’s sake….

Oh…it all makes sense now.

Update: Das lost her appeal last night, and will be ineligible to run, according to the Daily Prince.

High School Senior Promises Not to Publicly Urinate on Harvard Landmarks if Admitted

Although you don’t have to know ancient Greek to get into Harvard these days, some people have trouble making the cut. But what happens when those individuals think demonstrating their cult-like zeal and devotion to the place is the super-shiny golden ticket to acceptance? Bad news, that’s what. First, there was “Harvard, Please.” And now, waitlisted Harvard applicant Grace Oberhofer is unwisely taking lessons from a page out of Aleksey Vayner’s book.

Not a completely bad song (despite the whole shrieking thing), but she probably should have brushed-up on IvyGate in order to come up with some more entertaining Harvard references. (You know she was running out of them when she had to affirm she’d never pee on John Harvard’s statue.) And maybe she shouldn’t have made it public. For one thing, even if she does get in, she will now FOREVER be known as that pre-frosh who made a slightly creepy and overly impassioned plea to be admitted to Harvard, exemplifying how a competitive admissions process turns people into raving, singing lunatics.

Quick question, Grace: How do the colleges that actually admitted you feel about the fact that you think a desperate video plea was a better alternative to attending their institutions? And how is Harvard going to feel, PR-wise, about admitting someone who calls it a “school that intimidates the average fool?”

Perhaps, though, the joke here is that she’s a legacy who got waitlisted. Maybe Ivies don’t just admit legacies with impunity. Maybe just the really wealthy ones?

Now Harvard Students Can Discover How Much Their Profs Actually Hate Them

As if applications for jobs, internships, and grad schools weren’t already enough to spike the incidence alcoholism in the Ivy League, Harvard students rested even more uneasily a couple months ago when a mistake made their recommendation letters viewable not only to themselves, but to everybody and their mother with an account with Harvard’s Office of Career Services.

Obviously the first image that comes to mind is that of rabid prospective i-bankers frothing at the mouth while comparing their recommendations to those of others from the same professor. Seems like Harvard professors thought the same thing as they drafted a memo, reported by the Crimson:

[This loophole] introduces awkwardness into the relationship, particularly if the recommendation was not in line with student expectations.

In other words, they’re worried about being bludgeoned to death by angry Goldman Sachs rejects wielding finance textbooks. In order to save themselves from this fate, the professors asked that the names of students who accessed other recommendations should be disclosed. That way they can, at all costs, avoid them like the plague.

Still,  one question that doesn’t seem adequately addressed: Why wasn’t this problem reported earlier, since apparently it dates back to autumn?

Since last fall, notification emails were sent to faculty members—with students copied on the message—when they uploaded recommendation letters. Those emails included a link at the bottom of the email that allowed students to view their letters of recommendation.

Harvard’s brilliant solution to this problem — when they found out about it in MID-JANUARY — was to stop sending the emails. Which didn’t solve the problem at all; the previous emails were still in students’ inboxes and they could still click on the links therein. Issues like this wouldn’t occur if Harvard returned to its old standard recommendation system — students’ dads recommending their kids to their friends.

INTERVIEW EXCLUSIVE: Forget SNL’s “Dick in a Box,” Brown has “Knife Me in the Dick”

The Ivies are filled with talented people – one might be a former CIA child-spy, maybe a Hollywood star pretending to be a student, and then there are the shitty authors. Some just have impenetrable penetrators.

Like Zach Bornstein and Nikolos Gonzales, both Brown ’12. While in Prague this semester, they devoted some time to sampling the local beverages and making this video:

The two sat down with IvyGate (via Skype) for a brief (and exclusive!!!) interview about their new hit single. The pair thought of the idea for the song after a friend of theirs went missing.

He was gone for a while and nobody knew where he was, and we were worried he had gotten knifed in the dick.

Coincidentally, the knifing of dicks is also the subject of a Czech fairy tale. And a family tradition for Bornstein. Readers will be glad to know that Bornstein’s member is recovering. “We’re making amends,” he told IG. They will also be glad to know that there will be a sequel, a full-length feature film.

Gonzales and Bronstein have a couple of tips for any guy out there looking to increase their penis power. Surprisingly Gonzalez advised,

“Don’t knife it!”

Bornstein explained,

The blood is what makes it tough.

However, some of it is just natural anyways. The power “has been in my family for generations,” Bornstein said. It has been in Gonzales’s for only one however.

One final piece of advice from Bornstein:

If I could say one thing to all the fans out there: just don’t be cynical. Be a nice person and good things will happen to you.

In other words, you won’t get knifed in the dick.

Brown Students Offended by Ad, Still Happier Than You, Though

We all know Brown is a bastion of political correctness and hippie happiness, a school that has love-ins and guitar circles instead of discussion sections. But the Brown Daily Herald threatened the peace last week by publishing an advertisement from the “David Horrowitz Freedom Center” that featured a list of “Palestinian Lies” along with a background picture of two shadowy figures in the background holding guns and Qurans (pretty sure the image is shopped though).

Horowitz, for those of you fortunate enough to not know, is a conservative “scholar” who equates wearing hipster Arab scarves to support of terrorism and believes Muslim Student Associations across the country are Saudi financed arms of the Muslim Brotherhood. Yes, he writes the jokes for us.

Showing their belligerent sides, Brown students took to the streets, over-turning cars and setting tires aflame – partly because they found the ad offensive, but largely because being violent hipsters is ironic.

Letters to the Herald called the advertisement “slanderous” and “full force-hatred,” among other things. To which, the BDH responded, in true troll fashion: “Free speechProblem?” (Well, there is a tiny problem; the free speech argument doesn’t hold up when you accept money from the people whose views you don’t endorse.)

 The BDH wasn’t the only Ivy newspaper solicited by Horowitz in the name of “peace.” Cornell and Columbia are both featured on the “Wall of Censors” because the Sun and Spectator found the ad too offensive to publish. Although Spec EIC Sam Roth told IG that they do not comment on individual ads, Dan Smullyan, Spec’s Ad Manager, told IvyGate,

It is the Columbia Daily Spectator’s policy not to publish expressly political advertisements – ones whose sole purpose to promote a particular point of view. We apply that policy across the board, without bias, and do not favor any side in the forum of ideas. If a group is advertising an event, we will publish their ad. But ads that are, in effect, paid editorials, will be judged inappropriate for publication.

The Sun was not available to give a comment to IvyGate, but correspondence posted by Horowitz’s group on their website includes an e-mail from the Sun that states that:

 The Sun reserves the right not to run any advertisement that might be deemed controversial.

In its response, the BDH contended that the Wall of Lies wasn’t hate speech.

Who do you agree with? Tell us in the comments.

UPDATE: A source says that this ad ran in the Yale Daily News today.

Brown’s Dancing with the Professors

In its latest orgy of liberal hedonism and debauchery, Brown has held its third fourth annual “Dancing with the Profs” event, an event that can only be properly explained by this video.

Look at those Brunonians, trying to sound arrogant and condescending. They almost seem like real Ivy Leaguers! Apparently, dance competitions are the i-banking internships of Brown. They’re still behind the curve in the trash-talking department though, as they know only two taunts, one of which is “they’d better bring their A game.” Real original. By the way, your mom is fat. Besides, it’s Brown, isn’t everything pass/fail? Guess you can’t expect Brown students to be too good at douchbaggery.

You know that last pair shown in that video, Eric Ho and Professor Tannenwald, they ended up winning!

Said Ho of their performance:

I think best dance ever for me and the professor is definitely an option.  Things didn’t get awkward probably thanks to Ivana [the event organizer] being there most of the rehearsals. Professor Tannenwald was actually really great and always open to trying different things.

We jest of course (please don’t fail me, Tannenwald), but the competition clearly takes Brown’s focus on professor-student relationships too far. As far as we can tell, it seems to be an attempt on the part of Brown’s professors to paw desperately at the raunch and lawlessness of SexPowerGod and StarFuck. When you think about it, the whole thing is thinly veiled sexual innuendo, from the premise itself, which could easily be the plot of a porno, to Mr. Bangle’s porn star moustache, to the clearly erotic dances the groups try to perform.  Come on, you guys see it? Right… right?

We’ll admit it, we wish DWTP was edgier (could we at least have gotten a wardrobe malfunction or something?). Judging by the fact that even the provincial BDH didn’t deem it news-worthy, we’re guessing that most Brown students feel the same.  Here’s crossing our fingers and hoping that next year we’re writing about SexProfessorGod.