Oh, God, this is almost too awesome to bear:

"If you havin' Church problems then don't blame God, son...
I got ninety-five theses but the Pope ain't one."

It's not a new joke, taking Jay-Z's "99 Problems" and using it to reference Martin Luther, but Writer-Director Alexander Dominitz, Yale '09, creates such a flawless music video from the concept that I don't effing care.  For real, Yale's student run Bulldog Productions has rolled out one of the most hilarious YouTube videos that I've seen in a long time.  Except for the opening sequence, "95 Theses" was shot on Yale's campus, mostly in Saybrook, Branford and Davenport Colleges.  The costumes were courtesy of the Yale Theater Department.  And yes, those old guys are professors.

Oh, and just in case the talent and vision it took to pull off this amazing little video aren't already making you sick with jealousy, Yale actually paid for the production, which received the Peter Schtack Fund for Filmmaking (granted by the Master and Dean of Saybrook College).  So next time you're using school funding to conduct research that involves way too many hours of Excel spreadsheets and SPSS, remember that the cool kids at Yale are getting funding to make badass historically-accurate rap videos.  Damn you, cool kids, damn you.

You can also check out their website for cast bios and more information: 95ThesesRap.com.

After Bwog helpfully suggested that Columbia students without more awesome weekend plans check out Zombiecon, I figured that my weekend plans certainly weren't more awesome than dressing up as a zombie and terrorizing the streets of Manhattan with my fellow undead.  This year's theme was Wall Street, and we at IvyGate spotted a number of Columbia grads in their mournful, bloody business wear partying amongst the other zombies who traipsed through Macy's, staggered down Wall Street, and drunk-danced at Continental.  If there were any recently-unemployed Whartonites hiding behind the sheepish Columbia B-Schoolers, they weren't owning up.  More braaaains (and people dressed as barely-undead douchebag bankers and undead Sarah Palin) after the jump:

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I sort of have a crush on Bwog right now because they've created a game that warms my neurotic, sarcastic little heart: Butler (Library) Bingo.  Per Bwog, "the game board is filled with 25 of Butler's most common annoyances and quirks around exam season."  Readers comment in, Gossip Girl-Like, to let Bwog know which offense they've spotted in the library.  And they're only one square away from getting bingo.  This is awesome in so many ways, and not just because us epic library nerds can print our own copies of the game board and challenge each other to death matches in the 6th floor "Red Zone" reading rooms.

We at IvyGate encorage you to make like Facebook founder Zuckerberg "create" your own game boards for the libraries at your respective schools.  And let us know in the comments which grievous library offences you're planning to put on yours.

• Brown: Corporation to meet this weekend, and you students are so not invited, so don't even think of crashing.
• Columbia:  Third party candidates coming to campus this weekend, hopefully they won't be assaulted on Broadway.
• Princeton:  Freshman appointed class treasurer despite appeal from another kid whose overspending on his campaign disqualified him from the election.  Oh, the irony.
• Princeton: James Frey spoke to a class, tried to do damage-control on his old-news crappy image.
• Yale:  Is it just us, or is Yale subtly mocking Hofstra students for being politically apathetic?

There's an email making the rounds at Penn that Sacha Baron Cohen, he of Borat fame, is planning to make fools of you all shoot some footage at Penn in the very near future.  Of course this is all unconfirmed, but Under The Button has picked up on the story, too.

From the email:

If you are familiar with his work, including his newest project called Bruno the Movie, you know that it’s unlikely the production crew will contact the University for permission to shoot.  In fact, it is his trademark to pose as fictitious characters and dupe people into being filmed in compromising positions.

Anyhow, Under The Button is pleading that no one embarrass Penn more than the "Daily Pennsylanian" already has.  We're pleading that, if you see anything, send us a tip.  SachaStalk2008.  It's on, Cohen.  It's on.

IvyGate is camped out in the Barnard quad, watching (and liveblogging) Gossip Girl along with a bevy of enthralled Barnard girls.  And yes, this is the episode where Gossip Girl decided to film at Columbia and call it Yale.

8:01:  It’s starting!  Everyone is cheering.  This is going to be a long hour.

8:02  Apparently all of the characters are going to visit Yale.  Time to pile into their town cars and tell their maids to pack some argyle sweaters in their monogram luggage.

8:03: Oh, snap.  Serena just claimed that “Yale is for overachieving bookworms and preppies.”  Um…just Yale?

8:05:  “I heard Marc Jacobs named a purse after her” –Dorota, the housekeeper, on Serena.  Because we can’t all be BryanBoy.

8:08:  Chuck Bass wants to bone a bunch of women’s studies majors. A girl in the lounge whoops and yells “Barnard!”

8:09:  Apparently Chuck has a very different idea about the "freshman fifteen" than most of us.

Read more, after the jump:
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Oh, Madonna Constantine.  When will you learn?  Columbia does not want you.  They do not like you.  And most of all, they want you to go away.  For reals.  And, like, not appeal shit and sue them and stuff.

That's right, Columbia University Teacher's College Professor Madonna Constantine, she of the noose-beribboned door and plagiarism scandals, she of the appeals to reverse Columbia's firing her sorry ass (and revoking her tenure) has decided that, since she's done everything else, she might as well sue the school.

According to the Associated Press, Ms. Constantine filed papers today with the state Supreme Court.  She contends that her dismissal from the faculty of Teachers College was "arbitrary, irrational and unauthorized."  Columbia University spokespeople have so far declined to comment.

Our only comment is to roll our eyes, snigger, and wonder why she's still trying.  But, you know, maybe she felt she had nothing left to lose?

Before Princeton decimated Columbia's tiny, optimistic dream of actually celebrating after their homecoming game, IvyGate ventured forth to the tailgate with a camera in tow to capture the hope on everyone's faces and the light beers (two ID's required to drink!) in some people's hands.  As to actual homecoming coverage, eh, we'll leave that to the Bwog.  (In case you care, 27-24 Princeton.)

More photos, including Princetonians in doofy boater hats and hot girls in track bottoms, after the jump:

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This is how the world used to be for us ladies:  If you went to Health Services, no matter your complaint, you were invariably given a pregnancy test.  Of course, what with the recent update at Brown’s Health Services, a friendly visit might go a little more like this: Here is a pregnancy test, we hope that sex was worth it.  Now, would you like us to help you achieve orgasm next time?

That’s right, according to an article in the Brown Daily Herald, it seems that Brown’s Health Services have undertaken a new cause: Ladies Must Finally Achieve Orgasm (LMFAO) --and no, it's not really called this.  We're just messin' with you.  You can thank all the girls who actually went to health services because they couldn’t come for this.

More to moan about, after the jump:

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Apparently a diamond really is forever, because we all tried our hardest (or at least I did) to forget about Matt DiPasquale (Harvard ’09), his flaccid dong, and most of all his porno mag "Diamond," but it just isn’t going away.  The Harvard Voice recently published a series of candid interviews with DiPasquale and his never-actually-topless-vixen Fiona.

It turns out that DiPasquale had originally gazed toward the future of Harvard porn and imagined his baby to be bigger, grander, and…featuring a nekkid Teaching Fellow.

Choice quotes from the interviews, after the jump.

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