Harrison Zolnierczyk, a Brown freshman from Canada and member of the Bears' glorious hockey team, is having some legal troubles back in the old country. While most students were busy watching Hillary Clinton jazz it up at a Providence rally Sunday, Zolnierczyk was "facing charges of voyeurism and production, possession and distribution of child pornography" from something called the "Port Alberni Provincial Court in British Columbia," also in Canada. Will Harrison Zolnierczyk survive this terrible smear campaign against his hockey career? Or is he really a voyeur who produced, possessed and distributed tapes of horrible child sex? Well, the Mounties are on the case now, so it's only a matter of seconds before the they figure out this would-be perp's deal.

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Uh... uh... that sucks! Somehow!

Indeed, Penn appears to have chosen NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg to speak at its 2008 Commencement Exercises For Young Princes, according to a release from University Secretary Leslie Laird Kruhly. Maybe he'll take the occasion to finally announce his bid for the presidency as an independent. Because a foreign policy hawk who cares about trans fats is just what America needs for Unity! Hillel must be so excited.

Full statement, including honorary degree recipients -- that FAUST from Harvard is one! -- after the jump.

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IvyGate has learned that Penn's 2008 Commencement speaker will be none other than American presidential candidate Barack Obama. Yay Barack Obama! What a perfect choice.

Haha just kidding. Rumor has it that it's actually teevee's Emeril Lagasse, the raging boozehound chef who has like eight shows on the Food Network. Surely the Penn kids won't whine over this one, just like they didn't when famous actress Jodie Foster spoke in 2006. Way to flex those muscles, Penn!

Oof. Sucks to be you, Penn seniors, if this is the case. Bear in mind, however, that he's still better than the 2007 speaker, James Baker, who was a Republican.

UPDATE: The Daily Pennsylvanian, after IvyGate initially posted the rumor of Emeril Lagasse shortly before 1 a.m. Monday morning (Sunday night? Meh), followed our lead and today reported that the rumor was, in fact, a hoax. Whoever was behind this hoax does not have a great sense of humor, since Emeril Lagasse carries about the same level of celebrity and renown for which Penn will ultimately shell out in its upcoming selection.

Several hours after IvyGate posted the rumor -- as characterized by use of the word "rumor" -- the DP posted the rumor on its website, at the same time rightly indicating that their staunch ethics code puts them above the publishing of these kinds of "rumors": "However, even though IvyGate reported it, you won't see a story with that news in today's DP. When we hear about important events, we make sure the news is credible and seek confirmation before rushing to print." For those that haven't worked at a newspaper, this is, indeed, how our beloved institution of investigative print journalism functions, and oftentimes thrives.

After slogging through the muck for truth today, the DP confirmed with the school that Emeril Lagasse has not been selected as Commencement speaker. The DP was sweet enough to mention that dear old IvyGate reported the rumor first, and bless their kindly young souls for the shoutout. They did, however, err in noting that IvyGate had reported the story "as fact," which, again, contradicts IvyGate's use of the word "rumor."

Nice teamwork, DP! We report, You... go and do newspapery things with it.

After celebrating the 22 days of Christmas like any God-fearing Christian should do, IvyGate will return to a "normal posting schedule" today, presumably until eternity. This will include regular installments of that popular roundup feature, RagTime, parts VII-MMCCLLXVI of the Anscombe Affair, some fun about self-important Dartmouth fraternities and Mark Zuckerberg showing that devilish face of his on the teevees. Oh and YES, EVERYONE AT DARTMOUTH, we know that Larry goddamn David was at your college. You can stop e-mailing about it now. But keep e-mailing other tips because those are fun too!

Happy 2008 from the riveters at IvyGate. 

Penn is a some kinda hotbed for crime. Did you know that?! Yes, we're sure your moms told you if you ever considered applying to Penn. What these caring mothers do not know, however, is that Penn employs an elite squad of ex-Navy SEALS random hobos through the private security firm Allied. These guards protect Penn from the evils of drunk boys, and my, do they reign with iron fists! And all these poor souls ask for in return? Oh, a pat on the back, a reminiscing of times past, a 2-out-of-3 Rock, Paper, Scissors session. Not much. Maybe some pussy:

Hey all,

About an hour ago my roommate had a little incident that I thought you should all be aware of, since Public Safety sucks.

[She] was on her way home from rehearsal and an Allied guard on 38th and Chestnut offered to walk her home.  She figured she might has well have someone walk her since there have been a lot of robberies and such and our neighborhood lately.  When she got to the door of our house she thanked him for walking her and went to get her keys.  He said, "Miss..." and she turned around and he was holding his penis out at her.

Indeed, such was the tale of a Penn undergraduate female. Such a tease! Fortunately, when she filed the complaint, justice was served, served more, and then served yet again: The security office told her "some of their uniforms are 'missing,' so it might not actually be a security guard. Lovely." Yeah, the girl should've recognized that he wasn't legit given his neon blue pajamas with sparkles spelling "iz not security, iz hornee."

Silly Penn isn't just pretending this never happened, and Penn's Vice President for Public Safety, Maureen Rush, has sent out a public safety alert to the entire Penn community. Check it out after the jump, and remember: It's about penises. 

Correction: The VP for Public Safety's memo to the Penn community after the jump is in response to something far more grave, which we absolutely don't think is funny.

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Let's be honest: There's no way Penn's Chord on Blues can lose this tournament. Including them was necessary, but it also spoiled the curve, as it were. We want to make these finals interesting, however, so we're going to... hmm... "tweak" the rules:

The Worst A Cappella Group in the Ivy League Tournament Finals

Penn's Chord on Blues vs. **THE COMBINED BADNESS** of Cornell's Absolute A Cappella and Dartmouth's Cords

When: Right now through Monday at noon

Where: After the jump

It's the only way. 

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Welcome to the semifinals, dearest IvyGate readers! All of the groups have been introduced, and half of them have been destroyed forever. In the final two first round matches yesterday, the #7 Princeton Roaring 20 upset the #2 Brown Jabberwocks, 64% to 36%. It was a shocking rebuke to what we thought was an algebraically infallible seeding system -- we put a whole four minutes into picking the bracket Monday afternoon, you people! *Tears.* Anyway, in yesterday's other match and the closest to date, #3 Absolute A Cappella (Cornell) edged off #6 Living Water (Yale), 58% to 42%. It appears from the comments that Living Water presented a quandary for voters -- they were competent, but they also kept singing about the blood of Christ. And as we all know, Jesus gets no love on Halloween.

Semis, after the jump. 

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Welcome to Day Two! Day One featured two landslides, with #1, Penn's Chord on Blues, trouncing #8, Harvard's Fallen Angels by like 70 percent. Dartmouth's Cords (#4) also steamrolled the competition and beat Columbia's Nonsequitur (#5) by like 70 percent too. Thanks for playing, Harvard and Columbia!

But let us celebrate not! We must trudge forth with today's matches, however aurally painful that becomes. One of today's contestants will introduce two thus-far overlooked a cappella tropes: white rapping and beatboxing. LOTS of both.

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It's on! After the jump, the first two matches of IvyGate's Worst A Cappella Group in the Ivy League Tournament 2k7!

Watch. Vomit. Vote. They all look and sound funny!  

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Since our declaration of war on Sex and the Ivy a cappella Tuesday, we've received enough delicious YouTube submissions to feed a third-world country. But we want to feed AMERICA, so send more! These videos are obnoxiously easy to find; just search anything in Google Video, like "hey" or "bum bum" or something, and at least the first 37 videos will be of Ivy League a cappella troupes being stupid.

Missed the original post? Too lazy to click the link? Understandable. Quick catch-up: IvyGate is holding an 8-team "Worst A Capella Group in the Ivy League" tournament all next week. Competitors will be chosen based on one embarrassing/poorly edited YouTube submission of a performance, and we're not ashamed to use these single clips as qualifiers for a group's universal shittiness. So please send all YouTube video links to ivygate@gmail.com by TOMORROW EVENING.

Here's a sample from one of the submissions we received. Showing it now has no bearing on whether it will make the tournament or not, it's just... well hopefully you'll understand why we're holding the tournament after watching. This one gets REALLY good around 1:12:

Wait till you see another group's "Ducktales" video!