We wrote off this video of the Harvard Quidditch Team running around clutching wood between their legs as a (kind of sad) joke, at first. Then we did some research. THIS SHIT IS REAL!!!

By the looks of both national and local news coverage of Ivy League quidditch, the sport is spreading faster than chlamydia amongst teenagers in the plot of a LifeTime movie. According to NECN, over 200 colleges are riding shafts and juggling balls in the Harry Potter tradition. Even Alana Biden, team co-founder and niece of Vice President Joe Biden, is straddling for the new Cantab club sport.

According to the Crimson:

Rush and team co-founder Alana J. Biden ’11 received a $600 club sports grant to fund their equipment, which, according to Rush, is the typical sum allotted to a club team. The team used the money to purchase two Quaffles (volleyballs in Muggle parlance), two Bludgers (kickballs), three hoops for use as goals, and 14 broomsticks.

These brooms, which were the priciest item on the team’s shopping list, were purchased to comply with Intercollegiate Quidditch Association (IQA) regulations. The team bought 14 Scarlet Hawk brooms—for a total of $583.10—from Alivan’s, a Florida-based company that markets Harry Potter-themed products.

Are you kids out of your minds?! That’s nearly $42 per broom!!! For a sport made up by a foxy blonde who smiled when her publicist cupped her Bludgers at the British Book Awards, couldn’t you make this game a little bit more interesting? Count the innuendos in this post and get back to us.

After the jump, videos from On Harvard Time, our favorite quotes about quidditch, and the picture of Rowling getting groped.

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The Harvard Crimson shot a video record of Harvard’s first ever Primal Scream held in December last Saturday. The Christmas Hats are a nice touch. The black bars are not. Except for at the end when they had to black out half the screen. That was just lazy.

Another highlight, it appears that a porn company may or may not have been attempting to recruit. Here’s an excerpt from a flier handed out at the event:

I hereby agree to participate in and in connection with College Pussy, a series of internet videos being produced by DIGITAL PLAYGROUND.

One student was not happy:

Somebody find the producer and punch him!

No no no. Somebody find the producer and shake his hand. That shit is hilarious.

Here’s a (kind of boring) look inside of Skull & Bones. Layered with a Requiem-for-a-Dream-like dramatic soundtrack, this video tracks some iPhone-toting legionnaire venturing into the basement and courtyard of Yale’s oldest secret society. Unfortunately, the hypersecretive society doesn’t have too many skeletons in their closet. They do have a couple of barbecue grills, some windy stone stairs, lots of dust, and a coffin. That part is actually kind of cool. Any chance Gdub once slept there?

For the record, this may or may not be the Tomb. It looks like Yale with all those pointed arches and stuff. But we were really hoping to see Geronimo’s skull.

Do you think the assholes that strung these lights up to make fun of Jonathan Edwards College realized that they almost wrote “Jesus Swalloz”?

That’s not in the Christmas spirit, Elis.

Just kidding. But this is funny. Like, so funny I wanna go buy a cable knit sweater funny. (And I do not like cable knit sweaters.)

Associate professor Lionel McIntyre of Columbia’s Graduate School of Architecture, Planning, and Preservation gave a female colleague a black eye at a bar on Sunday. According to the New York Post:

The professor, who is black, had been engaged in a fiery discussion about “white privilege” with Davis, who is white, and another male regular, who is also white, Friday night at 10:30 when fists started flying, patrons said…

“The punch was so loud, the kitchen workers in the back heard it over all the noise,” bar back Richie Velez, 28, told The Post. “I was on my way over when he punched Camille and she fell on top of me.”

Just when Morningside Heights was starting to look moderately safe, the Columbia faculty is gonna start race wars?

(ASIDE: Smarties who clicked through the link above now know that there were shots fired in Morningside Heights in July. But it’s fine. Our Ivy undergrads weren’t present to catch the bullets. That’s for international summer school students.)

Details of McIntyre’s regrets and the victim’s black eye after the jump.

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Princeton freshman Diane Metcalf-Leggette is suing the university for not allowing her extra time on exams. Citing a learning disability, Metcalf-Leggette claimed that without the special concessions she might not do well on her midterms.

It’s called freshman year, Diane.  Most people don’t do well on their first midterms.

But really, there’s a bigger issue at stake. The place for learning disabilities on campus is generally drowning in a vat of amphetamine-soaked distrust. Diagnoses are diagnoses, right? Metcalf-Leggette has a whole bunch of them. According to The Prince:

Metcalf-Leggette’s complaint asserted that she has four learning disabilities, which were diagnosed in 2003: attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), mixed-receptive-expressive language disorder, disorder of written expression and developmental coordination disorder. The conditions, according to the complaint, hinder her ability to focus, process information and communicate in writing.

So should the University trust the doctors and give this girl some help? Oh wait, they already do.

The University currently accommodates Metcalf-Leggette’s disabilities by offering her a “reduced distraction testing environment,” a limit of one exam per day and a 10-minute break each hour, the law journal reported.

Get to know the Americans with Disabilities Act and fury of testing the Tiger after the jump.

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A couple of days ago, a drunk Harvard Law grad Brian Schroeder burned down a chapel containing the remains of and memorials to unidentified 9/11 victims. Schroeder turned himself into police soon thereafter and posted the $3,000 bail Sunday night.

The remains managed to make it out unscathed thanks to some badass, apparently fireproof chambers made to protect the DNA that might one day identify the victims. The wooden benches, cards, photos, flowers, and other painfully sweet memorials, however, did not have badass, fireproof containers. They were destroyed.

Of course, Schroeder’s friends and family think he’s a real stand-up guy and that the incident was somewhat out of character. According to his mother:

[Brian] doesn’t really have any explanation or memory of what took place. Now, he’s just trying to minimize the damage to his career and make amends. You know, take responsibility and move on.

Do go on, Mrs. Schroeder…

I’m appalled and my heart goes out to [the families who had built memorials to loved ones lost in the 9/11 attacks at the E. 30 St. chapel]. Because I know it’s basically like a cemetery and a memorial that’s so very important. I just cannot imagine, nor can he, why he would have done that.

Bingo. Why would you do that? Seriously, dude, burning down a cemetery/memorial is not a funny prank. This is a somewhat funny, Ivy League prank. But let’s go on the record and just say stop trying, Ivy League-rs. Or you will lose your job and your six-figure salary. Like Brian did.

Oh, and it might help if you stopped wearing those Ed Hardy t-shirts. That shit is made of the devil’s old underwear or something.

Susan Finkelstein, a 43-old University of Pennsylvania grad student, posted an ad on Craigslist offering sex for money. Well, not exactly money. World Series tickets. They’re as good as money.

According to FoxSports, the ad read:

DESPERATE BLONDE NEEDS WS TIX (Philadelphia) Diehard Phillies fan–gorgeous tall buxom blonde– in desperate need of two World Series Tickets. Price negotiable— I’m the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!

Well, the ad is certainly suggestive. (Who doesn’t have a “gorgeous tall buxom blonde” friend, of “the creative type,” “help” them out every once in a while?) But an undercover officer who replied to the ad claims that after meeting Finkelstein at a bar and having a few beers, she offered to perform explicit sexual acts. He slapped the cuffs on her, threw her in his car, and, err, took her to the big house for some punishment.

So is this an innocent he-said-”Will you…”-she-said-”If you…” situation? The Daily Pennsylvanian can explain the defense with two quotes:

“She was willing to — if she could afford it — pay money or work some type of deal to get tickets, but we completely dispute and deny that there was an offer a trade of sex for tickets,” [Finkelstein's lawyer] told KYW.

“I didn’t do anything wrong, so I’m not embarrassed about my actions,” Finkelstein told the Associated Press.

After the jump, the full on explanation (in photos) of why this lady is awesome either way.

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Last week, Georgetown sophomore Charley Cooper made national news with a job listing for a personal assistant. He’s 20-years old and apparently the whole college affair all too much for him to handle on his own.

According to Vox Populi, the Georgetown Voice’s blog, the original as went something like this:

As my PA you will receive an email once a day by 9:00 am with a task list for that day and a time estimate for each task. Important tasks will be bolded on the list and must be done that day (even though everything on the list should theoretically be finished on a daily basis) …

PA example tasks -Organize closet -make bed -Drop off / pick up dry cleaning -Drop me off / pick me up from work -Do laundry -Fill up gas tank -bring car for servicing -schedule appointment for haircut -Pay parking tickets -manage electronic accounts -shopping and running errands -other random tasks.

Needless to say, Georgetown is not in the Ivy League. (And neither is Mr. Cooper.) But when a student does something so god-awful douchey that the Washington Post reports on it, something must be done.

Everyone’s favorite Yale student, Aleksey “So Sexy” Veyner, might’ve done something like this. And Mike Kopko definitely started DormAid, a service that offered maid services to Harvard dorm rooms and pissed off pretty much the entire school. But Georgetown should know better, right?

After the jump, a couple of reasons why not.

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