We’re about a month away from the official move-in date for the Yale College Class of 2018 and many of them are sitting at home pondering deep questions like “how big will my room be?” and “will I make friends?” Entering college is apparently the most terrifying experiencing one can go through—and Yale’s official guide for incoming students is no longer enough. Yale18 has all the answers you never needed and should not be looking for under any circumstances. Created by two members of the Class of 2017 and one from 2018 (what are you doing you haven’t even arrived on campus yet), Yale18 is basically a compilation of past “guides to freshman year,” an absurd Google Doc template to figure out where each one of your roommates is traveling from, and some links to free shit.
The New York Post and the New York Times have recently regaled us with delightful anecdotes about what Ivy League rejects and non-rejects did to gain admission into the school(s) of their dreams. College consultants are nothing new but the industry has reached such a level of absurdity that it seems like satire.
See Jill Tipograph, who runs “Everything Summer,” a combination travel agency/college consulting firm that helps parents figure out
which Third World Country should host their offspring for a few weeks a personalized summer itinerary for pre-college teens who need application essay material–for $300/hour. We wonder what Tipograph would have to say about the Yale applicant mentioned in the Times article, who forewent exotic travels in favor of a more… domestic experience:
“[Her essay] mentioned a French teacher she greatly admired. She described their one-on-one conversation at the end of a school day. And then, this detail: During their talk, when an urge to go to the bathroom could no longer be denied, she decided not to interrupt the teacher or exit the room. She simply urinated on herself.”
Would Everything Summer encourage this sort of behavior? What if you urinate on yourself and, AT THE SAME TIME, you’re climbing the Great Wall of China? God, we miss the days when you could just donate a blank check and be done with it (but, you know, the One Percent just isn’t what it used to be).
Dartmouth has always been the problem child of the Ivy League, but President Hanlon’s summit last week on the “extreme behavior” plaguing the university is an unexpectedly candid admittance of the many toxic and harmful practices that characterize parts of student life on the Dartmouth campus. The school is notorious for its Greek life antics and threats of sexual violence on campus—the acquittal of Parker Gilbert, formerly D’16, now a former Dartmouth student, accused of raping a fellow classmate, has been the subject of nationwide media attention.
Another Ivy League secret society came under fire for holding a high-risk party–this time over at Princeton, where all but two officers of the eating club Tiger Inn resigned after fallout for hosting a 21 Club party last Sunday. The 21 Club is a semi-secret society (what does that even mean anymore?) whose membership is made up of some of the biggest drunkards on campus. According to the Daily Princetonian, “During initiations, members reportedly have to drink 21 beers in 42 minutes, and the goal is to be the last one to throw up.”
Pictured: A Yalie in an unfamiliar environment.
College students are known for being lazy and dirty but SCIENCE now says that Yale students are the laziest and dirtiest of all.
Back in 2012, John Bargh and Idit Shalev, both Yale psychologists, released a study on the “substitutability of physical and social warmth in daily life.” You can go read the abstract for yourself but basically, they came to the conclusion that the lonelier a person, the more likely they were to take longer and more frequent showers. Not because of repeated attempts to drown themselves but out of a need to use physical warmth as a replacement for social warmth.
Though having been available for the last three semesters, Yale Bluebook+, an application-based website similar to Yale’s current course selection site, was blocked from Yale University servers on the first day of shopping period (the two week, somewhat stressful process when students pick their classes). Designed by seniors Peter Xu and Harry Yu, Yale Bluebook+ emphasizes course rankings, assigning a numerical evaluation to each class based on an arithmetic mean, derived from the current scale of “Poor” to “Excellent.”
For all its problems regarding campus climate and rape, Yale continues to place on national rankings of “sexiness”. This year, The Daily Beast ranked Yale University seventh on their “20 SeXXXiest Schools” list. (Remember when Newsweek was a thing? We miss it too, guys.) The only other Ivy that made the list was Brown University, coming in at #19. Hot!
Does the transitive property still apply if you’re appropriating something that appropriates something else? Or, in this case, do two negatives make a positive…?
University of Pennsylvania freshman and high school tennis star Darren Tomasso has made his own version of Miley Cyrus’ now-classic “We Can’t Stop”, as part of his campaign for freshman class president. It’s unclear why Tomasso thought that imitating a widely derided performance would get him more votes, but maybe he’s smarter than all of us and this is actually a powerful statement on the current meshing of politics and pop culture in America.
In his video, Tomasso uses computer text where it’s not needed, advocates for the destruction of Earth’s rainforests by promoting “free printing Monday nights”, sponsors disaster tourism in New Jersey’s struggling coastline, and twerks on Philadelphia’s LOVE statue in a clear misrepresentation of what love’s all about .
Today, in Things You Probably Don’t Care About But We Should Publish Anyway:
We’re a little late on this one, mostly because we’re in the midst of a Grand Editorial Shakeup. Never fear, though: We’ll always be wherever there’s injustice, wherever we’re not welcome (i.e., everywhere), and wherever an Ivy Leaguer Fucks Up Royally. Our working mission statement: Oderint dum metuant: Let them hate, so long as they fear. —Eds.
From the trade school and Ann Coulter alma mater known as Cornell University comes “CornellFetch”, a website where users can rank the attractiveness of various Cornell female undergrads, à la Mark Zuckerberg’s infamous Facebook precursor, “Facemash.” Read the rest of this entry »
NEW HAVEN — In a unanimous decision by the Yale Corporation, Provost Peter Salovey has been selected as the next President of Yale University.
The announcement came in a rather secretive, almost-closed-to-everyone-but-the-YDN press conference (reporters from lesser publications could be seen loitering outside the McDougal Center of the Hall of Graduate Arts and Sciences, where the event was held). Salovey, who is known for his (no longer) mustache first and professional accomplishments second, will assume the post beginning June 30th.
According to the most carelessly done Google search in history, Salovey has previously served as Dean of Yale College and the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, owns a Havanese dog, and is married to Marta Moret, president of Urban Policy Strategies, LLC and ’84 Graduate of the School of Public Health.
In his acceptance speech, Salovey posed the question “What kind of Yale do you imagine?” which really encapsulated his vision for “a more unified Yale, a more innovative Yale, a more accessible Yale, and a more excellent Yale.” After the announcement, what we assumed to be various Corporation fellows and Yale society luminaries (including Yale’s Favorite Son, Brandon Levin) lined up to shake Salovey’s hand and congratulate him. The general feeling from the crowd was one of excitement, relief, and speculation as to whether or not the mustache would make a comeback.