It’s Been Fun, But I’ve Gotta Run

CowboyWhen I took over this blog almost exactly one year ago, I crossed my twisted little fingers that I’d have all kinds of Internet adventures at the helm of this little lawsuit machine. Dreams do come true!

Within a year’s time, I became the subject of many colorful reader comments, cannon fodder for conservative pundits, and the heartthrob of many a lady first years’ dreams. (I made that last one up. Tell me otherwise in the comments pls!) But it’s been a blast. I love this little blog deep down in the depths of my dark little heart and will miss jeering unabashedly at this ridiculous League we like to call home.

So meet Dan and Alex. You all know them already, and some of you have diverted your heartthrob-envy that way. Dan recently competed on College Jeopardy. (Set those TiVo’s for February 4!) Alex was born in England, has no accent, but is an excellent singer. (I’ve never heard him sing, but he has that sort Damn-I’m-Good-At-Stuff attitude so he can probably croon.)

Over a recent night of ruckus emeritus with the IvyGate clan, I tipped my hat to their recent work and dubbed these two co-editors. So here goes nothing.

If you miss me, I’ll still be blogging bits of obscurity here. And less obscurely here.

IvyGate Died? No, the Prox Lied.

ZombieThe Daily Princetonian’s overdesigned* blog started a nasty rumor a few days ago prompting panic in the cobblestone streets from Providence to Ithaca, Cambridge to New Haven. IvyGate is dead. The loving eulogy begins:

IvyGate, the blog that in the past has chronicled the foibles and follies of the young and over-educated (read: Ivy League students and recent graduates), has been noticeably dormant in the past month.

And like a warm tear running slowly down a baby’s cheek at Michael Jackson’s funeral:

Tales of the Ivy League that rose to fame on IvyGate include the saga of Yale abortion artist Aliza Shvarts, Yale self-promoter Alexsy Vayner and sex-crazed Colombia grad student Angela Rasmussen.

The rumor is false, faithful readers.

Yes, IvyGate has indeed written some badass sagas about many-a sex-crazed narcissist, and we will write about many more. At IvyGate’s worldwide headquarters in Williamsburg, New York City, tiny elven zombies have been working round the clock to train our supple new talent. Look forward to some more great things by Bobby Fineman, Brice Reynolds, and Daniel D’Addario.

In the meantime, we’re still hiring.

* – Assertions of demise and/or underworded obituaries definitely warrant a jab or two at your blog, Prox. Email us directly for pointers on why one should never try to make a website look like a stack of papers.

You Wanna Write for IvyGate? You Wanna Write for IvyGate.

Clark_KentIt should come as no surprise to our faithful (and always charming) readers that we’ve been a bit scarce lately. Turns out that IvyGate is a great way to get a great job that takes a great amount of time and effort to do. That’s where a few of us have been lately.

So here’s an open call to anyone and their most attractive friends. Want to write? Let us know. Want to edit? Give us a shout. Want to design some cheeky imagery? Talk to me.

Experience is arbitrary. But we will demand that you understand teh internet, possess a cutting sense of humor, and write with a proto-David Foster Wallace voice. Seriously, otherwise, just email us if you’re up for cranking out content.

IvyGate pays in beer and glory. And trust me, it flows freely.

- ACE (adam@ivygateblog.com)

Body Found in Basement of Yale Medical School

14yale_650Late this afternoon a woman’s body was found in the basement of 10 Amistad Street at Yale Medical School. Based on the wording of Yale President Richard Levin’s email to the community, the body is presumably Annie Le, the graduate student and bride-to-be who went missing last Wednesday. Today was to have been her wedding day.

Our hearts go out to Annie Le’s family, fiancé and friends, who must suffer the additional ordeal of waiting for the body to be identified.  I have met again with her family and conveyed to them the deeply felt support of the Yale community.

The body—which was hidden inside of the walls of the same building where Le was last seen—has yet to be officially identified by the Connecticut Office of the Chief Medical Examiner.

Yesterday, investigators discovered a set of bloody clothes hidden in the ceiling of the Amistad building. Though the clothes did not match the outfit Le had been wearing when entering the building Wednesday morning, police began searching local landfills and an abandoned industrial area in Hartford for evidence.

Le’s wedding has been canceled and her fiancé, a student at Columbia, is not a suspect.

Read President Levin’s email in full after the jump.

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Cornell Junior Dies of Swine Flu, Administration Blames Beer Pong

cornell_law_nightA student at the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences has been the first to die of complications of swine flu in the recent outbreak on Cornell’s campus. Warren Schor ’11 of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity passed away at the Cayuga Medical Center. He was 20 years old.

Although approximately 450 students have presented flu-like symptoms, a representative of the Cornell Flu Line stated in a phone interview yesterday that so far only two students had been conclusively diagnosed with H1N1. Vice President of Communications Tommy Bruce now reports that number at 520. Neighboring Ithaca College has reported at least 18 students are symptomatic.

The Cornell Sun reports that, at the behest of Gannett Health Services, the Inter-Fraternity Council had instated a weeklong moratorium on social events to help prevent the spread of the disease. But, due to a flood of flu-related visits, Gannett also has stopped scheduling routine appointments, so they may just be canceling frat parties to avoid the standard Sunday morning rush for Plan B.

After the jump, the administration’s response: a lesson in hygiene.

UPDATE: Some have questioned whether it’s appropriate to have jokes in the same post that acknowledges a death. No element of this post mocks the deceased or those grieving—in fact, any humor is directed at the administration and their lack of response that precluded the student’s death. However, since we wrote most the post before the death, then updated it afterwards, the tone may now be off. It’s our policy never to take down posts, but as a concession we’ve added a more somber picture and adjusted some language.

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Harvard Professor Brings Cow to Graze in Harvard Yard

Faith the CowHarvey Cox, Hollis Professor Emeritus of Divinity, exercised his 300 year-old right to graze his cow in Harvard Yard yesterday.

The Hollis chair, first held by Edward Wigglesworth in 1722, is the oldest endowed professorship in the country, and the perks match the needs of 18th century Harvard professors. (Might these also include the right to own house slaves and the liberty to beat women with thumb-sized sticks?)

Cox equates his cow grazing with saving the Earth, although the event itself seems a bit more niche. In front of a crowd of students, faculty and onlookers the cow, a Jersey named Faith, ate grass while a band of tubas played in celebration of Cox’s retirement. There was even a pretentiously titled Latin oration: Ager Secularis: Movere ad Deum et Ruminare.

This cow idea could spawn some budget solutions. And it could potentially revitalize the Cambridge meatpacking industry. Think Bartley’s best burger but MUCH fresher. And, in this case, blessed.

After the jump, more photos and a real live (think anticlimactic) video of Faith eating grass.

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Yale Grad Student Goes Missing

Annie LeAnnie Le, a graduate student at the Yale School of Medicine, has been missing since Tuesday. Surveillance cameras last spotted Le entering the Amistad Street facility at the medical school where she was a research assistant for associate professor Anton Bennett. Le is supposed to be married on Sunday.

The Yale Daily News describes the 24 year-old student as such:

Le, a 4-foot-11-inch Asian female who has shoulder-length brown hair and brown eyes, was last seen wearing a knee-length brown skirt, a bright green short-sleeved T-shirt, brown shoes and a brown necklace.

Curiously, Le had left her purse, cell phone, and other belongings in her lab before leaving. She’s carrying only her Yale ID card and does not have access to a car.

Anyone with information about Le’s whereabouts should contact the Yale Police Department at (203) 432-4400. We will make any necessary jokes upon her safe return.

Harvard Crimson Publishes Holocaust Denial Ad

HITLERToday’s Crimson featured a neat little open letter from Bradley Smith, founder of the Committee for the Open Debate on the Holocaust. Yep, it is exactly what it sounds like. A group that questions the existence of the Holocaust.

Bradley Smith, the founder of the organization that placed the ad, is a known Holocaust denier who has been identified for his hiding behind the veil of free speech in America. Here’s his coolest quote:

I don’t want to spend time with adults anymore. I want to go to students. They are superficial. They are empty vessels to be filled.

Really, economic times are hard—Harvard knows that—but the Crimson business board is really opening the flood gates with this one. Not only is the Harvard Hillel pretty serious about not ignoring Jewish history, but to be frank, their student body is pretty aware of the sensitivity of certain issues.

Seriously, the First Amendment is awesome, but would the Crimson might as well run a full page for the Imperial Klans of America on that campus. (Yeah, that’s the real link. I’m on some sort of list now I think. Fuck you, Harvard Crimson Business Board for making me reckon with freedom of speech!)

After the jump, pictures of kittens. Because IvyGate was not built to deal with bigot-speak. But you can see the ad in context, too.

UPDATE: Max Child, President of the Harvard Crimson, published an apology. Evidently it was some sort of crazy accident. They even gave the ad money back to Mr. Hates-the-Jews. Nice cover-up, dude.

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Emma Watson Starts at Brown, Stalkers on Standby

article-0-064F001B000005DC-359_468x334Emma Watson has arrived in Providence with the paparazzi in tow. A few hours ago, the UK’s Daily Mail newspaper published the first photos of a very un-Hermione-looking girl lounging in the grass at Brown and performing what appears to be a variation on the tolasana yoga pose.

According to a statement from Brown’s director of communications, Watson will receive the same rights and protections as any other student on campus. (Seriously, we want this confirmed in party photos.) Emma is following suit, explaining that she’s just a regular limey:

But I do hope that it will be only a short time before I am known as “Emma Watson, the student from the UK” rather than “Emma Watson who starred in those Harry Potter films”.

Good luck in college, Emma.  And remember: No Glove, No Love.

More photos after the jump.

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So Harvard Thinks They Can Dance: (Mostly) Naked Men Spotted Grooving on the Science Center Lawn

Upgrade Flash to watch video

About a minute after a small man does an ariel while wearing a loin cloth and some sparkly body paint, the camera man says: “Swim right through that sexiness.”

The video is pretty much downhill from that point on.